35. Henri
Chapter 35
Henri
My phone vibrates on the dresser, and I tap on the screen, revealing the nearly dozen messages from Nathan since I got in the shower.
I skim down the list. Some of them are longer than others. They’re all cutesy reminders of the things we used to do together, how much he loved spending time with me, and how we’d go out and have fun when we first started dating.
Responding will only encourage him to text me back. It’ll start a cycle I don’t want to engage in.
He cheated on me. He threw out my pills. He killed his last girlfriend...
I still haven’t been able to reconcile that last one.
The thought of my slowly dwindling pills makes me nervous.
Ignoring my phone, I go back to drying off. But the movements aren’t very soothing. I have another headache this morning, and it’s making me crabby, but beyond that, the reminders of what he did heighten the anxiety of my new reality .
I’m going to go into heat.
I can’t even ask for more pills because they don’t allow for replacement prescriptions. You sign a disclosure every time you pick them up, and there are strict rules about suppressants. Never double dose. Keep tabs on your symptoms. If at any time you have symptoms of estrus contact the lab. If you miss a dose, take it as soon as possible, and if over twelve hours late, contact the lab. Never take less than a full dose, unless directed by the lab.
If those aren’t enough to warn us away, there are warnings about the possibility of becoming sterile with long-term use and that it sometimes takes a full heat or more for your body to be able to conceive again.
They’ve always seemed worth it. But maybe going through heat won’t be so bad this time.
Maybe it won’t be like the last time .
I proceed to my bedroom and ruffle through my boxes of clothes, still not unpacked, looking for the proper undergarments for today. Digging through the boxes does me no favors. The act of searching only elevates my uncertainty. I’m not even unpacked here. It’s not a home that someone would want to go into heat in.
But if I clean up my space and settle in, it could be homey and safe. Plus, I’m older and more experienced with sex. There are plenty of cute sentries I could —
Absolutely not. My wolf stops that thought dead. No. No way. Deacon and no one else.
She refuses to believe or consider that he’s not a possibility. He’s not even in the country, and no one knows when he’s coming home. If he even comes home, there isn’t a guarantee he’ll be home in time for my heat. And more than that, there’s no way to know for sure that he’d even want to do that with me. It’s a big ask .
My wolf pushes forward the kiss. New Year’s Eve and how hot it was. The way his hands burned against my skin and the gasoline he poured on my desire.
But that could have been from being caught up in the moment. He doesn’t necessarily still feel that way.
You’re being stubborn. My wolf then brings up the soft, tender kiss at the Wisconsin house. You’re just brushing him off because you’re scared. She huffs. If you messaged him right now, he’d come home for us.
Her certainty, even without a way of knowing we’re mates, is so firm that I feel it branding my heart. But I’ve twenty-four pills left.
I should tell Cade sooner rather than later that I’m going to need this time off. That way he can approve my arrangements for it. My face heats at the thought. Telling him something so shameful and violating feels heavy.
How did I ever let it get this far?
In the silence of my cabin, the feeling of being alone kicks in.
After dressing quickly, I grab my tea cup and work bag and head across the way to Ms. Gertie’s. I’d planned to work from home today, but the familiarity and hustle and bustle of the main house will be better.
“You’re early this morning!” Ms. Gertie is all smiles.
Ushered through the doors, I’m treated to the fragrant smells of hot coffee and baked goods.
“I hope not too early.” There’s something so comforting about Ms. Gertie that I spill. “I just feel so lonely.”
“Mmmm. Child.” Ms. Gertie gestures for me to sit at my normal seat at the table. “Sometimes being alone isn’t so bad. Not so bad at all. Especially if you’ve got people who love you nearby.”
She pours hot water into my cup and opens her tea box. I flip through and grab an orange blossom one.
“What do you do when you get lonely?” I place the tea bag in the water and let it steep.
Ms. Gertie’s chuckle isn’t condescending, but it does seem like she’s about to impart some massive life lesson on me. “I don’t have time to be lonely. I’ve got bridge, church, the Aldens. I’ve also got the pack ladies and book club. Then I babysit some of the youngins when their parents are busy. Deacon meant it when he said he’d bring me to a place that I’d have a family to love all over again.”
Deacon. My wolf swoons thinking about him. Could we go to Romania to be with him?
No. I don’t argue beyond that.
Absolutely no way can I track Deacon down like that, even if I want to.
“So, just work and have a social life?” Why is that such a foreign concept?
Ms. Gertie puts a slice of her fresh zucchini bread in front of me. It’s warm and steaming, with melting butter on top of it.
“Well, it’s either that or doing something completely outrageous like Deacon would do. Maybe you could start running an illegal poker game or something like that.” Ms. Gertie laughs and winks at me. “Though, I hear there may already be one among some of the college kids in the pack if you wanted an invite.”
“Ms. Gertie, are you being a little bit devious?” I cut off some of the bread with my fork.
“Well, idle hands and all. If I don’t do something on Friday nights, I might just get myself in bigger trouble than takin’ those rascals to the cleaners,” she muses, finally sitting across from me with a slice of bread and a cup of black coffee.
As I finish my bread, Ms. Gertie beguiles me with some of the pack gossip and a story of her and her husband getting into a big batch of trouble when they accidentally ran into moonshine makers. Then how they started selling moonshine themselves and how they ended up being the only ones not caught by the police because she was in labor.
The craziness Ms. Gertie got herself into and out of truly shows how she never let herself sit still and embraced a full life. It feels familiar in that sense. It’s easier to be constantly moving rather than enjoy the stillness of solitude.