Chapter Eight
If you can’t will it away, smoke it away.
Rezi
Arrivingat this small Amazonian village, my worries drifted away as the vibrancy of the tribe took focus. Often when researching places surrounding indigenous people, it’s hard to know what information is fact and what is fiction. Therefore, getting to meet the villagers firsthand, curiosity and joy hinted on their marked faces, was truly an experience I wanted to give the honor it deserved.
DeShawn caught up with me in the settlement briefly before being pulled away by Mathias. We’d only be here for a day and there was a lot for him to do. However, having completed my business on the journey here, I was free to absorb the culture unencumbered.
Back in Dallas, and even during my short stay in Vegas, I’d felt glued to my phone, constantly thinking about work. But somewhere during this work trip things changed. At the estate I enjoyed the free feeling from being disconnected even with the business that took place, and now that I was in the rainforest where devices didn’t even work, I felt even more ease. The beauty of the abundant Amazon having no competition for my attention.
The locals didn’t speak English or Spanish, but their own language that the tour guide called Pirah?. Despite not understanding a word, it sounded beautiful to my ears as chants occasionally filled the air. Anna Maria, myself, and a few other women were introduced to the females of the tribe. Hand gestures and demeanor were our only means of communication once the translator left.
Settling in with different members of the community, we were given distinctive plants and herbs, some for smelling, others cooking, and a few for topical application. Observing the various ways the Amazonians worked, nature providing everything they needed, was illuminating, forcing me to reflect on my own life. The conversation from the boat seeped into my thoughts as I caught a glimpse of DeShawn out of the corner of my eye while shuffling around some soil.
He was recording tape of one of the models from back on the estate, along with a few other people. Meeting my gaze, he shot me a half smile before continuing with his work.
My heart twinged at his gesture. The way he found me in a crowd, like always, and never looked at another woman the way he looked at me. For all his faults, making me feel jealous was never among them. He wasn’t that kind of man, which said a lot given he worked with models, artists, and actors, all professions known for their above average looks.
Hearing our conversation and his brief words replay in my head reminded me of how lost I was when we ended things. He’d stated that I left the relationship weeks before he did. That I was unhappy … and he was right. I blamed him for giving up, not asking questions, or saying anything before calling off our engagement and that was true. But that doesn’t discount the fact that what he said was honest as well.
“Alright, Rezi, let’s get you cleaned up,” Anna said, approaching me.
“For what?” I asked, shaking the dirt off my hands.
“Well tonight, they’ve agreed to host us in a bonfire ritual.”
“A bonfire in the rainforest?” I questioned. “That sounds like a terrible idea.”
“Well, these tribes use fire in many different ways,” she replied. “Fire can be used to harvest and control the land, and for hunting purposes. Here it’s an expected way of life necessary for their survival.”
Anna’s voice was soothing as she spoke. Every encounter I had with her had revealed a stock of knowledge, with the subject manner spanning from dresses and shoes to vegetation and culture. She understood each topic, easily managing to captivate a crowd and entertain them as she spoke, even more than her husband. She was boss lady vibes personified and quickly becoming a mentor I admired.
“Hey, you want a hit?” she asked, pulling a blunt out of her purse. “Now I know your experience on the plane with the edibles wasn’t the best, but you can’t come to Colombia and not enjoy everything our wonderful foliage has to offer.”
After lighting one end, she handed me the joint. She then took out a second blunt from her bag and demonstrated how to smoke it.
“Last night you teased your palate with food and entertainment. Now it’s time to indulge your other senses. And after what I overheard on the boat, you deserve the release.”
Damn, she’s good. I thought, before her final words settled in. She’d overheard us on the boat. I suppose a lot of people had. I didn’t usually get embarrassed by such things, but DeShawn and I airing out our dirty laundry in front of clients was never my goal. Especially those I was growing to admire.
Feeling as though I needed a release even more than before from the anxiety building inside, I raised the weed-filled roll to my lips and sucked in. Unable to control the coughing fit that ensued immediately after, I released the smoke in an array of short breaths. Clearly my inexperience was shining through as I took my first hit, followed by my second, and then another, as Anna’s demonstration continued between each puff. I followed her into the hut we’d be staying in, then we cleaned up and prepared for the bonfire as night settled in.
After some trial and error, the breaths grew more relaxed as I smoked. Every inhale was followed by an exhale, a pattern forming in the action. Our conversation jumped from business to relationships and everything in between as we got ready. My stress lessening with each puff and each comforting word Anna Maria said. When the other ladies joined, encouraging us to head toward the festivities, I felt more than ready for whatever the evening might bring. Hopefully.
Heading over to the fire, I could feel my heartbeat quicken. The rhythmic drums in the distance pushed my feet on beat. The blaze was only slightly more impressive than the tones streaming through the air. Everyone seemed so alive and vibrant, the smoke from the flames encasing us in a hazy fog.
Nothing about this light up seemed safe. However, I was quickly learning to trust throughout this trip. Trust in strangers, which was far outside of my comfort zone, but also, to trust in myself again. To believe in my feelings and thoughts for what they were.
I closed my eyes with ease, continuing to breathe in the atmosphere. This high feeling was different than the edibles I’d endured on the plane. I felt calm and uninhibited, dancing around the warming flames.
On cue, Shawn came into focus across the bonfire the moment I raised my eyelids. His relaxed attire fit the mood perfectly. He stood there, hands in his pocket, watching me unapologetically through the crowd. I couldn’t explain why his comfortable, laid-back demeanor always drew me in, and it was probably time I stopped trying. At times, like right now, it just felt like we were having a deep conversation without touching or saying a word. Even with half a dozen people separating us, our connection felt unbreakable.
Turning away from him, I swayed to the beat of the music the tribe made with their different instruments and pulses. I occasionally felt myself choking on the smoke, but like everyone else, I let myself stay in the moment. Thawing into the ambience, wanting to experience this moment with all of my senses.
“Remind you of something?” DeShawn asked, his voice vibrating through me as he whispered in my ear.
“Of course it does.” I turned, his lips mere inches from mine. “Our first night together back in Big Bend National Park. We couldn’t stop laughing while you tended to the fire, and we listened to Solange and Uncle Titan fighting in the distance.”
I snickered, the memories of simpler times pulling my easily swayed attention.
“I’m sorry about earlier,” DeShawn blurted. “I shouldn’t have walked away from you. Not then on the boat and not a year ago when I ended our engagement. When you dove fully into your work, putting in twelve-to-fourteen-hour days, it triggered something in me. But breaking things off was leagues away from what I wanted, and I shouldn’t have acted on what I thought you needed without talking with you first. I assumed I was making you even more unhappy. I was wrong.”
His confession left me speechless, sending shockwaves through my body. How long had I waited to hear these words? It wasn’t like DeShawn to bring up uncomfortable moments without being coaxed. Especially when I’d given him a stress-free out to discuss our happy start instead of our complicated end. Staring at him, I searched for the words, but couldn’t quite find them as my eyes closed, before opening rather slowly. The motion felt nice, causing me to repeat it a couple times.
Eyes open. Eyes closed. Eyes open. Eyes closed.
“Are you okay?”
“Shawn,” I hesitated, opening my eyes, “I think I’m a little high.” I laughed, while my blunt from earlier hit me in full force.
I’d smoked a blunt once or twice before with friends, so there was no denying this feeling. But this one, this shit was good. I felt more relaxed and whimsical.
“Oh crap, not again,” he yelped. “You were drugged again? Is it this smoke?”
He was freaking out, whisking me away from the bonfire, as though an outdoor fire with endless ventilation could actually get you high.
Wait, can that get you high?The question made me want to throw cannabis into the blaze to test out his theory.
“Rezi, are you alright?”
“No, I did it.” My mischievous smile felt foreign on my face. “I was going with the flowww and smokinggg and …”
His stern expression silenced my last words.
“What? Are you mad?” I asked, sounding like a kid about to be reprimanded.
His intense glare was not good for my buzz.
“Anna’s a bad influence?” I caved, the narc inside all of us spewing out of me.
The twinge in my voice made my statement sound more like a question, and I was quickly losing my train of thought.
“Come on, let’s get you some water.” He sounded disappointed, causing my brow to furrow as I looked at him.
He had just made a huge statement, claiming he was wrong to call off our engagement. If this were any other time, I’d want to explore his dictation and see what more he’d say. But whether the bonfire added to my high, or I’d just taken one too many puffs, I was feeling chill and mischievous. Making a serious conversation the last item on my to-do list.
DeShawn
What a shit show.
Peering down from the incredibly tall treehouse, my knees grew weak beneath me. How in the hell had I let her lead me up here?
“Wow,” Rezi stated, just waking up. “This view is amazing.”
“Yeah,” I agreed, sarcasm dripping with every word. “It’s a high, fall to your death, probably even more scenic from the safety of the ground, view. Couldn’t agree more.”
“Bae, if you’re scared of heights, then why’d you follow me up here last night?”
I liked hearing her call me bae. I was sure it was just a slip, but it rolled off her tongue beautifully.
Staring back at the steep drop, I contemplated how we’d get down since the ladder we must have climbed looked like an absolute death trap. Rezi and I both had our fears. However, whereas hers was wildlife, mine was heights. Back when we were together, it bonded us in a way, our vulnerabilities serving as a link for both of us to let our guards down.
“You know exactly why I followed you up here,” I snapped. “You were all, it’s so beautiful. How can I come to the Amazon and not climb the tree. It’s already set-up for us and everything.” Ending my mocking of her voice, I continued. “Meanwhile I’m trying to hold the flashlight, not drop my camera, and ensure your high ass doesn’t actually fall off the perch seeing something that isn’t there.”
“It was not that kind of high.” The ridicule plastered on her face was only intensifying my annoyance.
“Look, I know you’re scared, and I was probably a lot to handle last night,” she stated hitting both nails on the head. “But let’s just get you down to the ground.”
She placed her hand on my shoulder. “Everything will be fine. We’re good and we’ll live.”
Her repeating the mantra I’d told myself since I was kid—I’m fine. It’s good. I’ll live.—touched my ears differently coming from her soothing voice. I rarely, if ever, thought I said those words in front of others. But I guess that was just proof of how well she knew me, and how much she paid attention.
“I’ll go first,” she finished.
Her confidence reminded me of the fearless woman I fell in love with. Honestly, I’d seen a lot of the person I used to know reflected in her these last few days. However, her joy and excitement for life seemed to ignite in the embers of the Colombian wilderness, along with some new qualities I was equally enjoying.
A contentment in her that I hadn’t expected. An unmistakable expression of serenity reflected in her eyes every time she experienced something new.
Taking my first step on the shaky wooden ladder, I could hear Rezi calling up to me. Coaxing me to stay calm and just keep going. I hated heights, though, especially without any security to ensure you couldn’t just free fall to your own death.
“You’re doing great,” she cheered. But besides her voice, the journey down was a terrifying blur.
After returning to the village a short trek later, we said our goodbyes, the end of our Colombian trip seeming to move in fast forward. I couldn’t tell you what occupied our time or conversations as we left the Amazon, flying first to Medellin and then home to Dallas. What I could tell you, though, was that Rezi and I were never alone.
I enjoyed watching her converse with all these new friends and associates. Her energy was as relaxed and carefree as the atmosphere that surrounded us. However, as the plane touched down at home, a couple of Murillo’s business associates accompanying us on the stop, I wondered if this was going to be the end of our journey as well.
“Thank you,” Rezi said softly, her voice barely a whisper in the vastness of the hangar. “For … everything.”
I met her gaze, my eyes searching hers for answers I couldn’t find. “It was nice,” I replied, halting. I wondered if the desperation I felt could be heard in my voice. “To be with you again. To see you.” I paused, before adding, “Honestly, I’ve missed you so much, I didn’t want this trip to end.”
Her eyes widened before narrowing as she worried her bottom lip like she wanted to respond but didn’t know how to.
In the midst of our awkward goodbye, a gentleman who wanted to hire me for my videography skills for one of his projects interrupted. I’d met him a couple days ago at the Murillos’ dinner party. He mainly spoke Spanish, and I reveled in the connection, putting my cultivated language skills to good use. As we concluded our discussion, I exited the private airport, in time to see Rezi hop into a car without a word. She never would have done that in the past. Leave with my statement hanging in the fractured balance of our present.
Even when she used to get angry as hell at me in the past, she still didn’t leave me hanging after I expressed myself. Which I guess in a way wasn’t fair to her because I didn’t always give her the same respect. She was the one to always tell me where she was or where she was headed even when things were strained between us, not wanting me to be worried.
When I first met Rezi, her warm smile and sparkling eyes drew me like a moth to a flame instantly.At first glance, she seemed like the epitome of sweetness. However, beneath her demure exterior lied a feisty spirit that refused to be tamed. I quickly learned that Rezi was not afraid to speak her mind or stand up for what she believed in. Her determination knows no bounds, whether she”s passionately defending a cause she believes in or fearlessly taking on a challenge.
In a lot of ways, she taught me how to approach life with tenacity and zeal, forcing me to take on more of a take charge attitude in my life. She pushed me to embrace my bolder side even if my opinion was the unpopular one in the room. Yet, there were other layers to Rezi too. She had a fiery side that could catch you off guard if you’re not careful. When provoked, she’s not afraid to unleash her inner fire, standing her ground with a fierceness that commanded respect.
Plainly put, she was a force to be reckoned with, her sweetness and feistiness intertwining seamlessly to create a dynamic and irresistible combination. Her heart was as strong as it was soft and she was always willing to go the extra mile to support and uplift those around her.
I wanted her so badly … in my life. In my future.
I’d planned this journey as a way to reconnect with her. Have the conversations we needed to have but ultimately to win her back. After this trip, I felt even more confused as to where we stood. Our half conversations left a strange air of uncertainty in my mind. My body still yearned for her, proven by every minute I spent in her presence, but in this rare instance, I’d say the only thing that mattered was if our hearts could fix what was broken and let us mend together.