Smooth as a Cucumber (Private Security #1)

Chapter 1

Chapter One

Marti

“Oh wow. That was brutal.”

I would have loved to respond to my best friend, but I was too busy not breathing.

I groaned from the floor when I could finally draw air, my eyes still squeezed shut as I tentatively reached for my nose.

Rendi––the beautiful blonde who’d once promised to help me bury all my bodies and castrate any man who even raised his voice at me––was leaning over me where we were stationed behind the counter at Livy’s Diner, her deceptively sweet face entirely too close to mine as she squatted down, practically sitting on my hips.

Her hair was so close that it tickled my face, and I shoved her back while I scratched at my nose.

Oh wait. That was blood.

Ow! I could feel it now, slowly trickling down the side of my face. I gently swiped at it, glad it didn’t seem to be a gusher.

Rendi stood, glancing around and cringing dramatically. “The secondhand embarrassment is really making me uncomfortable.”

“You should try it from down here,” I said dryly, letting my hand flop back to the floor as I let my body go completely limp. “Is everyone looking?”

“Oh yeah.” She nodded down at me, flattening her lips in mock condolence. “That was loud. You actually broke the hinge right off the cabinet.”

Reaching up beside her head, she poked at the corner of the cabinet door in question, demonstrating how it hung at an awkward angle by lifting it and dropping it a few times.

“With your face. And your nose is bleeding pretty badly.”

I sighed, nodding. “Yeah, I can taste it.”

It was all his fault. I was far from the most graceful person in the room on any given day, but I usually refrained from clotheslining myself on cabinet doors, especially ones I had literally just opened. Like, I’m sure it looked like I opened it for the express purpose of walking directly into it.

Hey... I don’t think I like my nose being all straight and stuff. Imma fix that right now.

And it really had been loud. So loud. And I know I’d actually seen my toes on the way down.

Like level with my face. I’d caught air.

What was that pro wrestling move where they clotheslined their opponent, and they literally got parallel with the floor before landing directly on their back? That was the move I’d done on myself.

At least I’d saved my tailbone this time.

It was unlike the day he’d walked in with his shirt slightly undone at the top, showing a little more skin than I was ready for at six in the morning, and I’d stuck my foot through the footrest on the barstool I was trying to move, effectively pulling my own foot out from under me.

Rendi had laughed so hard, she’d nearly wet herself when I told her why and where I needed an ice pack.

She really wasn’t a bad friend. If anyone other than me was doing this to me, she would probably murder them, but since I was my own worst enemy, what could she do?

She released the cabinet and gave me another of those mocking smiles. “You want me to just throw a towel over you until you collect your dignity?”

“If it’s not too much to ask.”

“Hm.” She let her eyes wander over me, curling her lip when she got to my feet. “Probably should use a tablecloth. Those shoes are almost worse than your crooked nose.”

“They’re comfortable.”

“Impossible. They look like they weigh more than Rebecca Dalton.”

“Rendi,” her mother and owner of the diner snapped, poking her head through the window. “Don’t be ugly.”

Rendi rolled her eyes, glancing sideways at her mother. “Becky wasn’t actually fat or anything. She was just heavy when she was hanging around Marti’s ankles like a barnacle.”

I pursed my lips in thought, ignoring how bruised my nose felt. “Do barnacles hang around people’s ankles?”

“Becky the barnacle did.”

“Are you okay?” a deep voice asked, just as a gorgeous head peeked over the counter, a frown between two dark eyebrows.

Him. Sutton Walsh.

Gasping, I jerked upright, my abs working like they’d never worked before, levering me up fast enough to... headbutt my best friend in the crotch.

We both groaned as she stumbled backward, grabbing herself like I’d maimed her manhood, and I cupped my sore face.

“Why were you standing over me like that?” I demanded, glaring.

“I was bracing to help you up. And also, don’t blame the victim.”

“Please. I’m clearly the victim. What do you have in there? A metal cup?”

“Don’t be jealous of my superior pubic region,” she paused suddenly, glancing around, and I snorted, spraying more blood out of my nose, just as the heat of a large presence settled close to my left shoulder.

Napkins appeared in my line of sight, before they were gently pressed to my nose and I closed my eyes in dread and defeat, because I knew exactly who’d just watched me snot-rocket blood out of my nose and onto my clothes.

“Thank you,” I mumbled into the napkins after a long moment eyes still closed as I did my best to ignore the warm hand between my shoulder blades or the way the entire room seemed to go quiet.

Maybe God would have mercy on me and allow me to pass out. Though, knowing me, I’d pee myself or something, so maybe I should stay conscious.

I opened my eyes to green ones watching me intently.

Green? Maybe neon green was more apt.his eyes were caught somewhere between green and yellow, and so bright they almost glowed.

They probably did glow in the sun. He was an angel for not laughing at me, though there might be the slightest bit of humor in his otherwise concerned gaze.

There usually was when I made a spectacle of myself, but he at least pretended to keep it in.

I knew his order by heart. I obviously never took it to him.

That would most definitely turn into a disaster, since anytime I made eye contact with the man, I nearly killed myself.

He was just stunning. Not flawless, but almost more appealing because of the slightly crooked nose, and the scar segmenting his right eyebrow.

His lips were full, but firm. The shadow on his jaw was ever present.

Probably because his hair was so dark.

He was dressed a bit more decently today in a T-shirt that covered him up to his neck, which was probably good for my tailbone, but the skin of his neck really wasn’t any more decent, and the bob of his Adam’s apple as he made me want to poke it.

“Huh?” I asked stupidly when he lowered his chin, clearly trying to get my attention. Had he been talking to me?

Those firmly plush lips pulled tight in a smirk, and my eyes snapped to his. If there hadn’t been a wad of napkins pressed against my face, who knows what my mouth would have been doing. Probably hanging open and proving to the world how cognitively inept I was.

“I asked if you needed help up.”

This man helping me up? Putting his hands on me? Yes, please! But also... “No. I’m okay. Thank you.”

I tried to stand. I really did. But part of the loud noise that had rattled the diner when I attempted my own rhinoplasty was two cups of coffee bouncing off every surface in the kitchen on the way down, somehow not managing to break either cup, but effectively covering the floor in the right amount of wetness to make it completely impossible for my exceptionally comfortable grandma shoes to get any purchase on the linoleum.

I managed to flip over and almost get my feet under me, but that’s when the cartoon running started, and I had a brief thought that if the rubber sole ever did finally grip, I was going to have the fastest take off in track history and probably end up plowing through Livy’s wall like a pitcher full of artificially flavored kids’ drink.

I heard Rendi murmur an oh, Lord, just before someone gripped me around the waist, lifting me off the ground and saving me from falling directly on my already bruised face.

I squeaked as I was propelled into a vertical position and then froze. I could tell it was him who saved me by the way my entire body seemed to sing with some kind of current I’d never felt before.

Was he, like, supernatural or something?

Nothing about this man was common, or even remotely likely to evoke a common response. At least not from me. It didn’t seem like anyone else acted this stupidly around him.

My hand dropped to his wrist, where his fingers dug into the space between my ribs and hipbone, while my other hand smacked the cabinet I’d broken, searching for purchase. My feet settled against the floor and I stilled, blinking down at the corded forearm that banded around me.

I was still trying to process what was happening when I felt the chest against my back move as he took in a deep breath. “Easy.”

His warm breath puffed against the back of my head, and I stopped breathing all together as goosebumps broke out along my arms and legs, my grip tightening on the rough, strong hand I was clutching.

I thankfully had my back to Rendi, but it wasn’t much better when I caught Livy’s shocked and amused gaze. There was absolutely no way I was ever going to live this down. Without a doubt, the Bennetts were going to harass me until I died of embarrassment just to get away from them.

His grip on me eased as I managed to stand on my own two feet and I reluctantly released him as well.

He held his arms out like he was preparing to catch me if my feet somehow went two different directions and I found myself dangerously close to the splits, and honestly that was fair.

He’d seen me do that very thing before with a mop bucket.

It felt like I turned in slow motion. And maybe I did. I really wasn’t sure I wanted to meet his eyes just yet, but I never even made it close. Instead, my gaze got stuck on the front of his light gray shirt... and the obvious mess I’d made of it.

“Oh. I got coffee on your shirt,” I said, gasping, gripping the inside of his elbows with enough force to make him freeze.

“I think that’s coffee.” And then, because I was absolutely the most awkward human ever, I leaned forward, sniffing the brown wetness at the collar of his shirt, realizing a little late that it wasn’t normal to take a whiff of someone like that.

He was still frozen in place as I cringed, pulling back slowly. Rendi’s eyes were huge as she watched me over his shoulder, and she had her lips tucked between her teeth, shaking her head in amused horror.

I had to be looking every bit as traumatized as her as I swallowed, blinking at the new stain I’d left behind. “And now I've got blood on your shirt.”

He looked down distractedly, and then back up, his mouth opening and closing and opening again. The entire diner was quiet enough that I could hear my own breath seeping in and out of my sore nose.

“I’m disease free!” I yelled directly in his face, making him jump a little, and Rendi and Livy gasped, startled.

I groaned, finally easing the death grip I still had on his arms, and he blinked down at them again, probably relieved he wasn’t going to have to wrestle me for them.

My soon to be ex-best friend barked out a laugh that sounded completely involuntary, and I whimpered around the hysterical laughter I could feel building in my chest.

Slowly, he smiled, making a crease pop up in his cheek that told me it was pretty normal for one side of his mouth to smile more than the other, and the idea of kissing the corner of that crooked smile took root in my head.

If I wasn’t careful, I’d act on that completely impulsive and totally inappropriate thought, so I stepped back quickly, only slipping a little in the coffee that was still a hazard on the floor and throwing my hands out to stop him when he once again reached for me.

He gripped his shirt, pulling it away from his body and giving it another cursory glance. “It’s really not that bad.”

Maybe, but what if he had somewhere to be? “If you take it off, I’ll clean it for you.”

“You hussy,” Rendi accused loudly. “This is a family restaurant.”

I tilted my head, blinking around Sutton’s shoulder in confusion at my friend. “What?” She was smiling suggestively, and I blinked, my words smacking me right in the forehead. “Oh! No! Not like that. I’m so sorry.”

There was amusement in Livy’s voice as she gripped my shoulders, pulling me away from the poor, poor man who had only been trying to help and had instead gotten way more than he’d bargained for. “Maybe you should go clean up, honey.”

“Mom!” Rendi said, sounding disgruntled as I nodded stupidly. “She looks good with a blood mustache. It really brings out her eyes.”

I groaned as Livy led me away, shoving me toward the bathroom as we made it to the hall. I did indeed have a blood mustache, and Rendi was right. It really did bring out the humiliation in my eyes.