Chapter 22
(few months later)
“I think it’s time I go.” I leaned back in the café chair, staring at the crisp late-autumn morning making the picturesque city hazy with the last morsels of oranges, yellows, and reds, the ground covered in their death. December steamrolled in. People bustled by the window, running for the bus or trying to get their caffeine intake before their jobs started. The charming café was right below Sadie and Nathan’s studio in a cute little neighborhood on the border of Mission and Castro.
I was in this cafe so much some people thought I worked here.
“What?” Sadie sputtered into the coffee at her lips, her eyes wide. “No.”
“Sade.” I tipped my head. “I’ve stayed waaaay past my welcome. Your entire place could fit in the living room we had in San Diego. As sweet as Nathan has been about me and Goat crashing on your sofa this long, I think he’d really like to have it back again. Time with his girlfriend. Alone.”
During the past five months, I had fallen in love with San Francisco, though the people were a bit tech-snotty and very few I found welcoming, but I adored the actual city. It was hard not to, but I couldn’t afford to stay. I took temp jobs to help pay for my share at Sadie’s and for Goat’s food, while picking up a few marketing online classes through the college, but in this city, I was below poverty level.
“Who cares? I want you here.”
I let out a chuckle. “That’s the problem; I think he’s starting to feel like the third wheel.”
“You are barely there. You take off every weekend so Nathan and I have had plenty of time together.” Sadie swished her hand.
To lessen the overstaying thing, Goat and I left every weekend in the van, taking trips to places like Monterey, Mendocino, and Big Sur.
“It’s really time I get my shit together and get out of your hair.” In other words, my moping period was over, time to pull up my big girl pants and start finding my way.
I told my parents I didn’t want to go into finance and had been really loving my marketing/PR online classes. For my last project I did a whole marketing plan for an “imaginary” construction company. I got an A, my instructor raving about it.
“Where are you gonna go? I thought you loved it here?” She set down her cup.
“I was looking at Seattle. I have a phone interview for a company up there. Starts after the new year.” I shrugged. I also had one in Los Angeles, but no way would I go there.
“Find a place around here. Maybe Oakland?” she said. “You can’t go. That guy, Ben, at my workwants me to set you two up.”
Ugh. “No.” My reaction was instant.
“Why not? He’s cute, sweet, and loves all the geeky stuff you do.”
Exhaling, I stared out the window. That was the problem. He was sweet and nice… and he did nothing for me.
Damn, Smith. He ruined me, showed me the stars then ripped it all away, leaving me empty and floating in some black hole.
I went on two dates from a dating app. The first I was so bored I wanted to cry; the second, I felt so turned off by his behavior, I was thrilled when he got up and left in the middle of the date after I said I wouldn’t have sex with him.
Goat was by far a better companion.
“Kins.” Sadie’s tone was full of sympathy and a little aggravation. “You can’t compare every guy to him. That’s not fair. It’s been like what? Six months since you’ve seen him? It’s time…”
I knew that. It just didn’t seem to change how I felt.
“No matter how hot the sex was, he is a criminal and con artist. And a father.”
I cringed, the description not fitting the man in my head, the boy I knew years ago. Everything about it rubbed me wrong, especially the last one. Not that I couldn’t see Smith as a father… just not with Becca.
“I never confronted him. I mean, I just took Becca’s word… and she would say anything to get me out of the picture.”
“She showed you proof. Don’t do this to yourself.” Sadie peered down at her watch. “Oh shit, I got to go.” She gathered her stuff, standing up. “You will still be here tonight at least, right?”
“Yeah.” I nodded.
“We’ll go out for drinks. I’m a good wing-woman. Maybe find a hottie to get under who will at least fade his memory.”
I sighed, the idea sounding like lying on nails, but I nodded. “Sure.”
“Okay. I’ll see you later.” She waved, dashing out of the café and running down the street to the bus stop.
It took me a couple of minutes to get up, my energy low today. I was happy, except for this constant anxious, agitated feeling inside. I had a need to move or do something, but I couldn’t figure out what. It felt like a thorn in my side, which made me feel like I wasn’t home. As much as I loved this place, it wasn’t my landing spot… if I even had one. Living the van life had turned me into a bit of a nomad.
Heading back up to the apartment, I got Goat for his walk, his mood anxious and eager to get out the door. Normally he was excited for his walk, but this was different.
“What’s up, lil’ man?” I scanned him over as we stepped back outside and he tugged on the leash, letting out a strange whimper. He was such a chill dude, so when he got squirrelly or agitated, my mom gut twisted in my chest, worried he wasn’t happy and healthy.
He’d finally eased a little around Nathan since we were in such close proximity but still tended to cower when he tried to pet him.
“Baby…” I reached to pet him, but his attention was locked forward. He let out a long whimper, yanking out of my grasp, his feet scrambling away from me. He never ran from me. Ever. He never liked leaving my side.
“Goat!” I screamed, lurching after him before I came to a stuttering stop.
“Holy fuck.” The words escaped from my mouth as a tsunami slammed into me, stealing all the air from my lungs, my muscles bracing as the impact hit me.
Goat let out a loud, happy whine, leaping on the man standing a yard away from me, Goat wiggling.
This couldn’t be happening. He wasn’t actually there.
I blinked again, but Smith Blackburn still consumed the sidewalk with his hotness.
“Hey, fluff ball.” He reached down, picking Goat up. Goat whimpered with glee, licking Smith’s face, squirming in his hold, trying to get closer to the man. “I’ve missed you too. More than you know.” Smith’s smile was huge as Goat licked and nuzzled him, his electric-blue eyes finding mine.
I couldn’t move or breathe, my brain not digesting the man who had been a constant fixture in my mind and dreams was standing in front of me. Here. Now. In San Francisco.
“Hey.” He kissed Goat’s head, setting him down, his gaze never leaving mine. “It’s good to see you. You are stun—”
“What are you doing here?” My voice was low; my lungs pumped, trying to fill with oxygen.
“To see you,” he rumbled.
I eyed him.
“Your mom. She told me where to find you.”
Traitor.
Smith took a few steps closer, his proximity forcing me to suck in, my shoulders rising. The smile dropped from his face, his eyes searching mine.
“How are you?”
Three words, and it felt like he pulled the pin on a grenade. Boom.
“How am I?” I breathed from my nose. “How. Am. I?” Fury detonated and pitched me forward, my palms slamming into his chest. “Fuck you. You have no right to ask me that.” I shoved him again, the walls I had built round my damaged heart folding like cards, burning a ring of rage around it.
“Kins.” His deep voice raked at my tender flesh, pushing a small cry through my lips.
“Don’t.” I shook my head. “I’m sorry you wasted your time coming here. Go back to your family. Leave me alone.” I turned, tapping my leg for Goat to follow me back inside, but he didn’t move from Smith’s side. “Goat! Come!”
“Kinsley, listen to me.” He snatched my arm. “Please.”
“No!” I bellowed, shaking free. “Why won’t you leave me alone? I was getting over you, moving on.” Lie. “What do you want from me? Do you get off on this? Twisting me all up inside?”
“I enjoyed twisting you all up on the outside.”
My teeth crunched together.
“Yeah, too soon.” He ran a hand through his hair. Damn, he looked good. My fantasy did not do him justice. He looked even more muscular under his clothes now. Rugged and sexy, with his worn work boots, T-shirt, and flannel under his green military-style jacket. His hair was a bit longer, his scruff almost a full beard.
I bit down on my lip, my lids batting back the emotion. “Goodbye, Smith.” I headed for the door.
“Stop!” he yelled, my fingers bumbling to find the keys to open the building entrance. “Kinsley.” He snatched my elbow.
“Let go of me.” I snarled, wiggling out of his grip. “You show up out of the blue after almost six months? Fuck off, Smith!”
“Five minutes,” he pleaded.
“No.” I pulled out the key. “Goat, come on.”
“Dammit.” He grabbed my shoulders, flipping me around. My spine hit the wall, my breath hitching. My traitorous body instantly reacted to the feel of him, the heat, his thighs pressing into mine. “Becca’s in jail.”
“What?”
“I needed to clean up a lot of shit before I came to you,” he growled, pressing in firmer, the months of being deprived of him had my body reacting without my say, my nipples hardening as they brushed his chest. “I’m asking for five fuckin’ minutes.” His eyes blazed into mine. “Give me that, and then I’ll walk away from you forever.”
A stab of terror pinched my ribs, a panicked response of never seeing him again.
“I know I probably don’t deserve a moment of your time, but I’m asking you to listen.” His statement was pleasant enough, but his body and tone were hard. Demanding. Firing desire through my nerves.
“When have you ever asked before?” My voice came out husky.
“This might be a first.” A sexy smirk lit up his face, melting my insides.
I took a few moments, a debate volleying in my head, greedily absorbing the sensation of his weight, his body touching mine again. He was like an addiction I tried to quit, but the temptation of tasting it again, luring me back, was far too powerful to resist.
“You get the walk to the park,” I said evenly, our mouths only inches away.
Another beat and he stepped back, the cold air attacking the empty places he had been, making me shiver.
He picked up Goat’s leash with a nod, letting me lead the way. We walked in silence before he spoke.
“You didn’t make it easy to track you down.”
“I didn’t want you to, but sounds like you have an ally in my family.”
“It took more convincing than you think. Jail was less scary than your mother’s threats.”
I flinched, tucking hair behind my ear.
“You said Becca’s in jail?” I peered at him.
“She was sentenced a few weeks ago. Very minimal sentence. I’m thinking because of the baby.” The blade twisted in my chest looking away. “She’ll probably be released far sooner than she should. Bryan got much longer.”
I stayed silent, my gaze on the pavement.
“Shit, where do I start?” he muttered, pausing to let Goat sniff a bush and pee, Smith’s gaze moving over me. “I know what Becca told you at the wedding… the only truthful part was, yes, I was arrested and put in jail, but I was set up. Little did I know my ol’ buddy Bryan was a swindler. He embezzled money from other companies before, but it was little, not enough for him to get caught. When we started our company and he and Becca started an affair, they came up with a plan to use the business as a front to launder money. Of course, he didn’t plan on getting caught, but greed started to dictate him. He was smart though, made sure all the evidence pointed to me. Both of them testified against me in court, acting like I had totally betrayed them.”
“What?” I blurted. “She accused you, and you still let her come back into your life?” Slept with her? Got her pregnant.
“She performed her part well. She played the unknowing, distraught wife who was shocked and grieved that her husband would commit such a crime. But I still didn’t trust her and felt betrayed she so easily turned on me, but at that time I wasn’t completely sure of her role in it.” He licked his lips. We strolled down the street, Goat’s sniffing keeping us at a slow pace. “It wasn’t until four months ago, when Becca came running to me, everything came out. Bryan had been arrested, caught trying to steal money from another guy. That’s when I discovered they were partners in bed and out. He told the police she was his accomplice.”
My jaw dropped, my hand going to my mouth. “Wow.”
“They had a twisted relationship. I’m still not sure who is telling the truth. According to him, she was the one leading the scams. From her, she was blackmailed and manipulated by him.”
“What do you believe?”
“Neither. Both.” He shrugged. “Doesn’t matter to me anymore. They have been caught, and I can finally move on.”
I shook my head, not able to fully compute his tragic story. His best friend and the wife he loved more than anything, betrayed him so deeply.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Not something I wanted anyone to know. I spent three years in jail coming to terms with it. I just wanted to move on.”
“I know, but I still…” What did I feel? He was obligated to tell me? That I was different and he should have confessed this secret?
“I’m not much of a sharing kind of guy, only to very few do I let it out.” He’d always been like that, even as a teenager. Silently taking his father’s abuse, acting like he was fine. “And you and I? Well, I really didn’t want you to know, not even earlier, that I had been locked up.”
“Why?”
“At first because you were Kyle’s baby sister, and I thought after the trip I’d never see you again. You were just a girl who annoyed me when we were young. But when I saw you and we started to spend time together, it became more because you already had such a bad opinion of me. Hated me, if I recall.” He peered down at me. “I guess I felt it would only confirm what you already thought of me. Not that I could get much worse now.”
“You’re right; you can’t.” I let a smile curve my mouth, our eyes catching.
He smirked, his head dipping. We crossed the street to the park, watching Goat run around.
“I thought about you all the time,” he said hoarsely, watching Goat chase after a squirrel. “My friend was about to drive me up here himself so I’d stop being such a bastard.”
My chest filled with emotion, not able to respond.
“Kinsley.” He touched me.
“No.” My throat and eyes burned. “I can’t do this.” I backed away. “I can’t do this with you… nothing changed.”
“What? Why?”
“Because.” I nipped my lip. “You’re still having a baby with her.
“Kins—”
I thought I could handle that…”
“Kins—”
“The baby should be your priority.”
“Kinsley!” He put a hand over my mouth, a bewildered smirk on his face. “Fuck. Let me get a word in, okay?” He waited until I nodded then dropped his hand. “I thought you understood… Guess I didn’t make it clear. I’m not the father… Bryan is.”
“But—”
“She just wanted you to think I was. We haven’t been together in more than three years.”
“She said…”
“And you believed it,” he replied.
I did. Taking the tiny morsel she showed me, I filled in the rest. So used to being hurt, I instantly accepted the bad, turned Smith into another asshole, when I shouldn’t have taken Becca’s statement as the full truth.
“I don’t want to think or talk about regrets or the past. That’s not why I came here.” He swallowed, peering down at his boots. “I came here because when my lawyer called me late last night with some news, I found myself in the car heading for you, hoping I wasn’t too late.”
My lids fluttered, my head turning to the side.
“Kinsley?”
“What was the news?” I still couldn’t look at him, trying to keep my voice steady. I stared at the famous Painted Ladies, the row of houses well-known from TV and movies.
“My divorce is official.” He cleared his throat. “He was able to push it through faster than normal because of her being sentenced.”
My lids squeezed together, my heart flipping and aching at the same time.
“Kins…” He turned to me. “You were the last thing I thought would happen or I’d even want right then. Besides my life being such a fucked-up mess, and not looking for a relationship after what Becca put me through, you were Baby K… Kyle’s sister,” he rumbled under his breath.
“But fuck, woman, from the moment I saw you, I knew I was in trouble. Everything about you has crawled under my skin and consumed me. Made me fucking nuts. I spent so many nights over these past months thinking about you or wondering about if my bike hadn’t broken down or I hadn’t agreed to Kyle’s foolish idea to drive across country with you. The thought I’d never have known you, your smile, or laugh… the way you taste, cry out my name, or feel when I’m inside you.” His fingers gripped my hips, spinning me to him.
I inhaled sharply through my nose, heat blazing down my torso to my core.
“It made me so insane.” His grip tightened. “That trip was the best time I’ve ever had. I had just come from the worst darkest place in my life. I was bitter and angry, but being with you made it all disappear. I laughed and smiled, no longer hating, but had hope…”
“You just got divorced, barely got over Becca.”
“You don’t get it. Becca never came close to making me feel what you do. In a strange way, I feel all this shit was leading me to you. Deserve it or not, I don’t care. I want you, Kinsley. The thought of losing you made me realize something.”
“What?”
His eyes blazed with hunger as he pushed me into tree, pinning me there with his frame; the feel of his erection pushing against me made me gasp.
“It wasn’t just the idea of wanting to be inside you again.” He breathed against my ear, trailing down my neck to my breasts, flooding my system with desire and need. “It was knowing I never wanted to leave.” His mouth grazed my neck. “I never not want to be inside you… around you. Near you.”
He tipped his head back. “Wherever you are, I want to be.”
“Shhh.”
He blinked at me, his brow furrowing.
A wicked smile curved my mouth. “Too much talking.”
A vibration came from his chest as his mouth crashed down on mine, claiming and demanding.
I had no idea where life would take us or what was ahead. All I knew was I wanted to be with this Smug Bastard.
And a dog named Goat.