Chapter 4
The Artist Takes His Lumps
RAFE
Idon’t know what to do after what happened.
Between what he said, I said, and she said, I don’t want to open my mouth for fear of what’s going to come out.
Guilt, anger, depression, resentment, fear, love, angst, frustration, self-loathing—the host of bloody emotions coursing through me is enough to put someone in the loony bin.
Not to mention what my primary told me when the bird snooped in our thoughts.
It puts everything into another layer of perspective that I can’t fathom.
My wife turns her head to look at me. “I want to start by saying that I love you. I’m not sure I realized how much until I was afraid you were going to disappear forever.”
Chewing on my lower lip, I shrug, giving away nothing until I know what I’m supposed to feel or say.
I’ve been in this place before, and I have to get a feel for what she wants.
I can do whatever it is. It might hurt for a bit, but I’ll get there.
I did last time, and I will this time. I sound more confident than I am, but I must be.
I need her to tell me what to do or say to keep from losing everything all at once.
“I’m sorry, love.”
“You thought you were losing me not that long ago. We seem to keep hurting each other.”
I nod, still avoiding looking at her. “I don’t think it’s intentional, pet. Things are murky in the beginning. It happened to them at first, too.”
“True. I keep forgetting that because it seems so long ago now. You and he—” She shakes her head then stops, leaving me to wonder where she’s going.
“It’s fine. I won’t do anything that hurts you.
” That’s all I’ve got. I’m not giving someone else the power I gave that prancing prose writing git who destroyed things the last time.
I won’t admit it all and let it be a fun game to use my pain against me.
I’ll do what needs to get done, but I will not share my terms.
“They had a good long while to get comfortable with each other, to build trust, before either of us even popped into the picture. That’s a lot of alone time.”
Her brow furrows as if she’s processed my words. “Why? You mean that you’ll end it with him. Why would you do that?”
“If it hurts you, I will do it.” I shrug, not wanting to expound much more. “I love you, and you’re that important to me.”
Her expression darkens, and she growls. “He’s your mate.
You love him, Rafe; I know you do because I feel it.
If you stop with him because it would hurt me, then what happens with the other mates?
Where do I draw the line? Where do you? When is it okay to say you can’t have what you want or who you love because it hurts me? You more than love him; you crave him.”
I can’t look at her.
Her voice cracks, but her words are a familiar song.
This will never be okay, and it will never work with the four of us.
As much as she may want the cat, she cannot deal with me and her mate.
It’s always going to be painful and ugly.
I feel it. She’s comparing it to the others, and she knows I’m tied to them by bonding only.
I haven’t been with any of them since her.
“I was going to give you to him. Bow out. Give you the ring back and let you have him. Go away.”
I lift my head and give her a serious look. “It’s not like you. Without you, I would have left, regardless of anyone else. I would do it because you are my other half; you make me whole. There’s no reason to be without you. I don’t want to be given to anyone; I’m not a bloody toy!”
“I thought you were like Wilde, accepting me to get to him.”
I snort, shaking my head.
Oh no, she does not know. The Wilde she knows is not the real one.
She does not know what being Wilde means.
She does not understand how awful that comparison feels or how much his death spared her.
She’s never seen how terrifying that love of his can be.
He didn’t want her or the bird; he wanted to control and merge power.
He craved power over the most powerful, unreachable people in his universe. He almost wormed his way in.
We are all the luckier that he did not.
“I never expected, planned, or even considered what happened with your mate would happen.”
“Expected? No, I don’t think you did. Wanted?
Hoped?” She turns her face away, and I can’t bring myself to fight the distance.
“Wilde didn’t love me. Whatever path he took—accidental or purposeful—is moot now.
He’s gone from both of our lives for the time being, but I can’t say for sure that he won’t come back to yours. ”
Again, problems with the bloody writer. Christ, I hate him more than I ever loved him at this point.
“I won’t deny I was attracted to Taurus, love. I could be attracted to anyone: him, birds on the telly, gits in the park. I expected nothing to come of it. As for Wilde, he was a sodding wanker, and if he weren’t dead, I’d beat him there at this point.”
I wonder for a moment why the coyote or the in-laws haven’t gotten mentioned in this whole tirade.
Her point would be better illustrated with Alistair.
Losing him to get rid of Rhea tore me apart.
If he came back—without her—and tried to make amends, it would be far more dangerous than whatever the corpse whisperer brings back.
Not only that, but her attraction, seduction, and declared love for my primary isn’t being mentioned.
Talia hasn’t said a word about how she lusts after someone else and wants to be with her.
There’s been no consideration of what this will do to that very fragile part of the self-professed panther in question when she dumps her, so I have to let go of the bird.
That thin little eggshell inside of my primary will never heal again, that I guarantee.
They’ll be lucky if they can be in the same room once she guts her insides.
I can’t say anything about it because I know what’s going on inside the cat.
I don’t want to step into a colossal mess that is not mine to mediate.
Christ, we’re so royally fucked here.
“What you don’t understand is that it’s not about Taurus. It’s about you and me.”
Is it? I can’t imagine how it could be as I do every sodding thing you want, give you everything you want, and worship you. I’ve offered to decimate myself and my primary to make her happy, but this is about something I’m not giving her.
“I understand that’s how you feel.”
“I think if I trusted your love for me, then I wouldn’t feel so set aside when you and Taurus are together. I know it hurts you because I’m more trusting of Deli.”
Damn right, it does.
She’s been with you negative two seconds and she’s trustworthy—never mind that she still has several people she has loyalties to, plus another mate or two. She has to keep all of them happy and out of her pants, but me? I’m a sneaky ass liar.
“I don’t know how to explain to you how much I love you so it will sink in. I don’t know how to make you trust me, and I wonder if it’s because of Wilde. I wonder if you doubt things I tell you or do for you because he hurt you. That’s something I cannot control or fix.”
“It may be. Maybe it’s hard for me to trust because we happened so fast. We’ve had to deal with so many things, including Wilde’s death and lingering in-law issues. Your insecurity and my doubts have made it a hell of a ride without the respite that Taurus and Deli had.”
Respite? Is she kidding?
Those two have had people pounding at them since day one.
She has no idea how much flak the cat takes or how many people she fends off because that’s her problem, not theirs.
She keeps the masses at bay, the community happy, and takes everyone’s woes on herself.
It’s her choice, but respite? She hasn’t had that in a long time.
Taurus is the safest place she knows. That’s where she’s going to hide, even as we speak.
“I almost died for you. You’ve been my whole bloody world. I take care of you when you’re hurt. I have barely seen anyone but you outside of the funeral and a few unannounced visits. The cat’s been handling all the crowds herself.”
“I know.”
I close my eyes, trying not to lose my temper. I almost never lose my temper, but I might today. She knows all these things, but she still did this? She’s still planning on ripping my mate apart?
What the actual fuck is wrong with her?
“Do you want him more than me?”
“That’s ranking loved ones. I promise you I no longer rank or prioritize the people I love in that way.” There are shades of mates past there, and I will not let her force me into that box. I pull her hand to my lips. “You’re my wife—that means something sacred.”
She yanks her hand back and snarls, “No, it’s not like ranking mates, because if you would rather be with Taurus all the time then you fucking will be.”
“I didn’t say that, and I don’t.”
“If you want him—oh.” She murmurs, “You know, that’s the first time you’ve called me your wife.”
She opens her mouth and then closes it. “You’re right. I held that back from you out of my fear. That was wrong of me.”
“We’ve been missing a lot of things out of fear.
For you, it’s because of Wilde. For me, it’s because of the lot of them: Rhea, Alistair, Wilde, and Sari.
They all took an enormous chunk out of me.
I don’t think I’ve been holding back because I thought I was showing you what you meant to me.
If you felt like I wasn’t, maybe I was holding things back without realizing it. ”
Her gaze shifts out into space, and she tilts her head. “When Damien made me the rings, it was with the intention to be your wife. I never told you, and I don’t know why. I know Wilde damaged me more than I thought he could, I think.”
“I could say the same about my other mates. Wilde did more than anyone, but you know how he works.”