Chapter 57 The Cat And The Blade Find An Understanding
The Cat And The Blade Find An Understanding
DELILAH
Ilook up at my newest mate pleadingly. She’s determined to make this problem continue on and on, and I want it to stop.
I’m exhausted—physically and emotionally—so I don’t have the wherewithal to fight her all night like we do at times.
Talia has to let me steer this conversation to a place where we can talk it through without making herself the victim so I don’t get to say my piece.
It has to happen once, right? The odds are in my favor, aren’t they?
“Stop that,” I say softly. “Stop… please.” I suck in deep breaths as all of my muscles shriek for relief, and give in to moving down to the floor so I have enough room to sprawl out. At least I won’t have to hold myself up while we struggle through this.
“Why?” Talia asks, looking as if she’s going to flee now that I’m pressing her. “Why shouldn’t I blame myself? I’m the reason everything bad happens.”
I groan internally, wanting to cry. She hurt me badly, even if she didn’t mean to, and what happened after has done nothing but focus on her.
Taurus went flying to save her when I didn’t let him talk me down, and Rafe fucked off because Talia and Taurus upset him.
As for me? I’m trying to patch her up despite the shit bleeding into my clothes.
She hasn’t noticed or if she has, she’s ignoring it in favor of her self-pity.
Talia gives me a tired expression, still looking ready to bolt.
If she does, I don’t know if I can stop her without magickal assistance.
Her eyes are red with tears as she blinks at me, and I have to press my lips together so I don’t frown angrily back at her.
Being this worn out is making my usual ability to push down my emotions and take care of someone else short circuit.
It’s been a shit week full of assholes who won’t stop poking at open wounds and she knows it.
I’m the one who has this giant lake of black goo inside me. Why is she the one who gets consoled?
“I’m so sorry,” Talia finally whispers. “I ruined everything.”
I turn my head to look away as I give in and lie flat on my back. I have to stay still until I feel like I’ve rested my weary frame enough to do anything. Whether Talia sees it or not, I definitely made a tactical error in pushing that hard in the gym. “It’s not your fault; I know that.”
A little true and mostly not, but this bullshit has to end tonight; we have too many other enemies for me to keep this up.
“It is. Your magnanimous forgiveness won’t make me feel less guilty.”
I cringe; the bite in her words makes my heart ache. “Okay, but I don’t want you to torture yourself, even if it is your fault.”
“You were. Why shouldn’t I?”
Growling, I shake my head in frustration. “Taurus said I was hurting him by doing that; I wouldn’t ask him to leave just because I have an emotional problem.I told him I just needed to be where I wasn’t hurting him. I needed to be where I could—”
“God forbid you share your problem with one of us.”
How can she say that when the problem started with her?!
I blanch in shock, swallowing hard to get past the lump in my throat. “I can’t—I couldn’t. I couldn’t get comfort. I didn’t want it.”
“How is that different from me?” She frowns and sits up to look down at me. “How is it okay for you to hurt and not let us help you heal, but it’s not okay for me to do the same thing?”
I can’t tell her that my hurts surfaced because they can’t accept who I am.
Who that is now may not be exactly the same as who I was, but that’s because I am making different choices, not because I’m a different person.
My past makes it hard for them to reconcile our future.
It’s the same problem that I had with Sari and Wilde in reverse.
They couldn’t accept who I became without thinking it changed who I was.
It would be nice if the people who love me allowed me to grow and heal as a person without judging me.
This stupid situation makes me think I’m doomed to love people who will never understand me. There is a core person inside me that does not change simply because I develop a mutation that gives me claws or decides not to do things I did before.
I’m still Deli; I’m always Deli.
The ‘Deli’ I am now is the girl who chose to tomcat around and have scads of lovers like Mata Hari.
She’s also the one who only wants her family right now, and could be the one who wants more in the future.
It doesn’t mean that one Deli died; it means that as our world changes, so do we.
We don’t have to take the eraser to everything that came before to live now.
You can’t always paint in black and white—colors and shades of gray make the picture so much richer.
I sigh, knowing she won’t understand. No one understands this but Rafe.
But I have to explain why I asked Taurus to let me be so she gets why it’s not the same as her taking off.
“I’m not—I feel unworthy since last night.
I can’t let either of you help me because I don’t deserve it.
I didn’t want to subject you to me wallowing in misery again. ”
She moves from the seat to the floor, and I struggle not to shrink away. Talia will take that wrong, and I can’t handle that right now. Unfortunately, I can’t let people touch me when I feel dirty. “That’s Sari’s line, you know. You’re stronger than that. You’re better than her and more amazing.”
“I can’t help what I’m feeling. I feel dirty. Used. Gross.”
“Why?” Her large grey eyes blink at me, and I lower mine to the carpet.
“I had this moment of clarity. I was listening to the ocean song as we talked, and I realized it didn’t matter what I intended everything to be.
If everyone thinks of me this way, my entire picture of myself is someone else.
Your reflection isn’t what you look like—it’s how others see you.
I suddenly saw a picture of a foolish girl who thought she was being free, having fun, and making friends.
The accurate reflection was the village bike they all passed around to make themselves feel good.
I realized I deserved all the stuff that followed, even the worst of it. ”
My mate frowns and shakes her head. “You’re not a whore and you’re not a village bike. You’re Taurus’ wife. You deserve nothing less than him loving you for the rest of your life.”
I pick at the loose threads in the carpet and shrug. “It depends on who you ask. I couldn’t let anyone help me because of that feeling. I didn’t want anyone to touch me because I’m dirty. That’s all I can tell you.”
“How do you feel now?”
Wrapping my arms around myself, I murmur, “I’m processing. I went out and did something that made me feel better. It helps when I feel like I accomplish things that have nothing to do with all the idiots.”
“Oh, no. Not another unscheduled—”
“No, I have plenty of actual files to work on. Unscheduled is for ballistic fits. I was only self-destructive. You gotta learn to gauge my raged-out emo fits accurately,” I say, giving her a lop-sided grin. “Work helps me do better at regulating those.”
“I’m glad. We’re both awfully proud of you.”
I wish I could believe that as much as she seems to.
A small smile curls my lips regardless because saying it better than not, and I tilt my head. “I still feel wonky, so don’t interpret my not being touchy as a slight. I still have some… icky black strings of goo I need to get rid of.”
“I should have kept my mouth shut.”
“Not saying things doesn’t seem to help us. I was repressing more than I knew.”
That’s true, but the amount of things I think none of us are saying is massive.
Rafe and I are still cradling our deepest wounds because we can’t even admit them to ourselves or each other.
Talia definitely has some shitty things making her behave the way she does.
Taurus is damaged from any number of situations he’s never told anyone and it’s not just the time she got shot.
We’re all the walking wounded.
“At what cost, though? Working through things is good, but we’re not doing it well enough if we keep injuring one another.”
I frown again, closing my eyes as I realize that for her, working through things only applies to things affecting her or the things that she wants to work through. The ugliness hiding behind the black door will never be a welcome subject.
“I’m getting better. I feel like a chunk of that betrayal sandwich is getting digested.”
Not enough to trust anyone with my Grail wound, but that’s not what we’re talking about.
Her expression gets fierce, and she growls, “You are not dirty. I love you, damn it!”
“I know you do, but so many things have happened. I’m reeling from the feeling that it was all a lie. It was a huge reality check. Would it help if I showed you that nothing today is leaving a scar?”
“As long as there aren’t any I can’t see, either.”
Clever, clever girl.
“There aren’t any fresh scars inside today, either.”
“Okay, show me.”
I hold my feet up in the air, grunting at the stretch but showing her that none of the bloodiness left marks. Once she looks, I hold my hands up and show her the knuckles and the palms. “See?”
“What about the fingertips?” Talia gives me a pointed expression.
“That’s cheating. Those are not from today, and I’m working on it. They weren’t from you, so it doesn’t count.”
“I should never have said that we would not have messed with you if we’d known your entire past.”
I close my eyes, trying to ignore the choking feeling of goo spreading around again.
That was the sentiment that really sent me into the tailspin and hearing it come out of her mouth is making my chest tighten.
I might even have a panic attack and my defenses are so piss poor that I won’t be able to hide it from her.
“It’s true. There’s no need to be sorry if it’s true.”
She gets up. “I don’t think I can be here. I feel bad inside—like, not a good person.”
Biting my lip, I work to keep myself calm. I’m trying to get out of the hole she dug by mistake. I can’t keep chasing her because she feels guilty.
She pins me with an agonized look. “You had Alistair, and you were healing from Wilde. I screwed that up. He screwed that up. Then you had Taurus to help you stay afloat. Because of me, you lost Sari and Wilde.”
I shake my head. “No. We both know Alistair was an illusion that would have dissipated. Sari and I have been a ticking time bomb for a long time. Wilde—that is not something I’m prepared to discuss. You had nothing to do with losing him.”
“What if it wasn’t an illusion?”
I sigh. “I can see how Rhea and Sari played me back and forth. They were always trying to outdo one another or using me to hurt one another. It was never about me—not even once.”
My mate murmurs low as she looks down at me. “You’re wiped and I’m feeling wrecked. Could we go to your room and talk more in the morning?”
Nodding, I lick my lips as I admit defeat. “I think I can do it, but if we end up with bruised bums, don’t blame me. I did a number on myself with my training today. It’s making everything feel like spaghetti.”
“Okay.”
I blink and nod my head like a genie in a fifties TV show, muttering ‘doink’ under my breath.
“Yes, master.”
Hopefully, that’s just a fun little joke and I don’t start feeling like I’m being kept in a bottle ever again.