Chapter Thirty-Nine
Maksim.
Damon stares at me with those silver flames of his; he opens his mouth then closes it, like he’s looking for the words to say, then opens it again.
“I believe Parker is correct in this aspect. I believe you are dealing with survivor’s guilt along with…
everything else. The sticky tar feeling that you feel has latched on to you?
That’s… depression.” he says carefully like I might implode.
I rub my fingertips over the length of the inside of my thumb and grimace. “I just need to know what happened to me. It’ll fix everything.”
“What happens if you never know, Maksim? The place was left in ruins.”
“I don’t know. It’ll take me longer to get over it?”
“You won’t ever just get over it, Maksim. You were taken, detained, starved, then hunted like an animal in the dead of a wintery night.” His words make my skin crawl like little tiny worms are writhing under the dermis.
I look away from him. “Don’t you think I fucking know that?”
“So then what happens when you don’t get over it because you may never know what truly happened to you? Your wife? Parker? Your marriage? The Cosa Nostra? What happens to all of them? It’s a heavy crown. Will it fall upon Sabrina?”
“Why are you saying this to me?”
“Because I am asking you a simple question, Maksim. Will you still treat Sabrina like shit and like she’s nothing more than a hole to you? What happens when she bears your children? Will you treat them indifferently?”
“No.”
“No, what, Maksim? Hmm? Will you let this continue to fester until it rules you? Or has you acting impulsively instead of instinctually and with your brain?”
“Why are you being a fucking dick?”
His brows arch then furrow like he’s surprised I’ve called him that. “Because these are possibly the questions ruminating in your wife’s mind at all times, Maksim. She’s mentally preparing herself to carry the burden of the weight of the crown if you cannot.”
“I… how do you know this? Is this what you two talk about?”
He shakes his head. “No, Maksim. It’s because we’ve seen her do it time and time again.
Every time she sits across from me in that same seat you’re in, I can feel her anxiety like clouds rolling down a mountainside.
As my patient, I cannot tell you anything she and I talk about in this room.
As her friend and yours, I can see her shrinking back into the pink armor she had on for a very long time.
The pink armor and smiley facade. She’s preparing herself to do it all alone. ”
I blink at the ground tentatively. “She hasn’t worn pink…”
“No,” Damon sighs. “She hasn’t.”
“She flung cupcake batter at me.”
“I was made aware.”
“We had sex. The three of us.”
He dips his chin without judgement, just waiting for me to proceed.
“It doesn’t fix everything.”
“No, it does not, Maksim.” When I don’t say anything else because really, what else is there to say, he continues. “There’s a group counseling—”
“Group counseling?” I bark out a laugh and get to my feet.
“Are you kidding me? You want me to talk in front of a group of fucking strangers to me, but they probably know who I am, and introduce myself? Hey, I’m Maksim Giordano, Capo dei Capi of the Cosa Nostra and owner of Eden.
Oh, and let’s not forget the worst Pakhan ever.
Yeah, I was kidnapped, and now I have survivor’s guilt because I promised a girl I didn’t even know I was gonna save her, and I couldn’t.
My wife, thinking she was pregnant, and our boyfriend, ran into open fire to save me, killing and pissing on the dude that raped her.
But poor little me, I can’t remember if I was touched down there, and it’s driving me so fucking crazy I have nightmares about it every night.
I wake up sweating, and yeah, there are days I can’t…
I can't look at my wife because it feels like I disappointed her.”
There’s something swelling in my chest, getting caught right in the middle of my sternum.
So I rub at it to make it stop. “They did something to me. Each time it was harder and harder to wake up. The last time, my legs… they wouldn’t work, Damon.
I thought they’d paralyzed me. She helped me the entire time while getting out.
Sometimes… sometimes I’m scared I haven’t woken up and this is a goddamn dream.
An endless nightmare-ish loop. I go to the office, I do all the things, then I go home to her, and she’s baking or studying, just being herself, but she’s not really herself.
“She doesn’t sing anymore. There’s no pink—which is fucking nuts because the entire house is an ad for Pepto. Then nighttime comes around, and I… I’m stuck there again. I wake up drenched in sweat, and it’s like I’ve been pinched and poked to death. It feels like bees swarming under my skin.”
“And that’s every night?”
I sigh, resting my hands on my hips. “Not… not lately.”
“And you’ve opened up to her about this?”
“Yes? No? I mean… they know bits and pieces.”
“So you’ve opened up to them?”
“As much as I can,” I reply honestly. “I just…” I hang my head back and look up at the ceiling of their house, where he’s been hosting our sessions due to the onslaught of snowstorms.
“Need to know what happened.”
I look down at him and nod.
“If you didn’t fight this New Year’s, what would that mean to you?”
“Nothing.”
“If you did?”
I shrug my shoulders. “Nothing.”
“I don’t think you should fight.”
“Then what?”
Damon stands to his full height and inhales sharply, exhaling in the same manner while fixing his lavender tie.
“I think there are more ways to spend the new year, and one of them is inside, with your wife, quite possibly handing her a brand new ring and reminding her why she fell for you in the first place. I’m not sure if you’ve even noticed, but she lost hers in Wales.
The woman deserves a ring, Maks. And she wants to wear yours. ”
“I already have an appointment with the jeweler that sold me the first ring. Noticed she wasn’t wearing it last night. It still won’t fix everything.”
He shakes his head at me as we head to the door of his office. “No, it won’t. But it’s a small start. Notice your wife sooner, Maks. Stop being afraid to look at her even when it’s hard. Otherwise you’ll miss it.”
“Miss what?”
Damon gestures vaguely while staring at me. “Everything.”
It feels like a warning.
“Hey, fuckface.”
I catch Parker in the home gym jump roping away like he does every day.
Parker looks up at me, brows furrowed, still jumping as the music switches to a different song.
He doesn’t speak to me, just keeps jumping along to the beat of Numb by Linkin Park.
He hasn’t spoken to me since we fucked Sabrina together the other night, and I hate to say it, but his indifference is beginning to irk me.
So I shut off the music. He lets out a groan and stops jumping like I knew he would. “Where’s Bri?”
“Out shopping with Raven and Jonas for baby stuff at the boutique in North Side.”
“What do you need, Maks?” he asks, throwing the jump rope to the hardwood floor and bending at the waist to stretch.
He stands tall and goes to the corner where a little sidebar is set up with a mini fridge that holds water and dry face towels.
He grabs a towel and wipes the sweat from his face, throws it over his shoulder, then reaches for a water bottle.
I lean against the doorframe, shoving my hands in my pockets. “I have an appointment with Sabrina’s preferred jeweler. Thought maybe you might want to join me.”
He blinks at me while crushing the bottle and twisting the cap back on. “You replacing her ring, finally?
I dip my chin. “While she’s with Raven.”
“And you want me to come with you?”
“I’m not sure if she told you that she filed… paperwork so we could all be married legally. I think if we both choose a ring for her… it would mean more. To her.”
The muscles in his jaw tic as he contemplates my words.
He slowly nods once and sighs. “Yeah, let me go get showered and dressed. I’ll meet you out front in thirty.
” Parker begins to stride toward me but pauses when he gets to me.
He looks like he wants to say something but doesn’t.
He keeps going, out of the threshold and then down the hall to go take the back stairs up to the second floor, where his room is located.
I need to change that.
Just as he said, Parker shows up to the Escalade in thirty minutes. When he climbs into the passenger side, he grimaces. “What?” I ask.
He shakes his head at me. “It’s just been a while since I rode passenger, and the last time I did, the driver was Tildy.”
I quirk a brow. “How was that?”
“You don’t want to know,” he replies, shutting the door.
I huff out a laugh. “That bad, huh?”
“Let’s just say I kissed the ground when she dropped me off on the side of the road,” he answers as I put the vehicle in drive and we take off.
Parker and I are of the same cloth, never really having to fill the silence between us or with anyone else, really.
We’re both vigilant and quiet in our nature.
I have knowledge he doesn’t, just like he has smarts and wits about him I do not.
We are similar and still so very different.
We’re just crossing the bridge and getting into the city when I decide to break the silence. “I took everything you said to heart, Parker.”
“I know you did. Still not gonna apologize for punching your throat in.”
“I deserved it.”
He makes an agreeing noise in the back of his throat, tapping his fingers on his thighs, peering out the window to the bay. “So, do you have a ring in mind already?”
“No, but I'm sure we’ll know when we see it. She said something to me right before she threw cake batter on me that really stuck with me, and I… I went online and found a few examples of what I think she’ll like,” I confess while we stop for slight traffic on the bridge.
I reach into my coat pocket and pull out my phone and hand it over to him after unlocking it.
He takes it and lifts it to his face, using his fingers to zoom in. “I think this will be good on a titanium band. Halo with white diamonds…”
My brow lifts and I smirk at him. “You know a lot about this.”
He grins. “Who do you think chose the ring you bought her?”
“You know my wife more than I will ever know her.”
He contemplates that while tipping my phone into the cup holder.
He faces forward again as I press on the gas, and I watch through my periphery as he shrugs.
“Just the same as you having a connection with her that I don’t.
I have known her and loved her longer, sure.
But you love her just as much as I do. I can see it on your face when you aren’t near her.
It’s why I don’t knock your fucking teeth in every day.
There isn’t a time limit on love. You can know someone is yours the second you meet them or it can take you two years to fall for them.
“Love isn’t measured in words. It’s measured in actions.
It’s measured in choosing them every day.
It’s choosing to fight the same fight together and not against each other.
It’s building a foundation no one else can tear down.
It’s seeing the flaws and still loving them despite them.
And you fell for her the same way I did—seeing past the facade and into the soul.
You took the time to learn her.” He taps his fingers against his thigh.
“Truth is, we’ll never truly know her. She’ll still surprise us every day, I'm sure. But that’s what’s fun about it.
Who she is tomorrow will be different from who she is today.
I get to know her every day… and I count it as a blessing.
Not a chore. So as long as you never see her as a chore—I’ll let you keep your teeth. And your balls.”
I take in all his infinite Sabrina wisdom and pocket it as we enter Manhattan. “Will you do me a favor then?”
“What’s that?”
“Keep me in line. I won’t ever cheat on her.
You have my word. But whatever’s going on with me, it’s gonna take me time for me to…
heal.” I sigh, hating how fucking vulnerable I’m being.
“So, when and if you ever need to, knock me the fuck out. I don’t need reminders that I married a woman worth a king’s ransom.
But I will need reminders that that’s what she deserves. ”
“I’d do that without your permission, doesn’t hurt that I already promised your dad I’d keep you in check,” he retorts with a shake of his head. “Your teeth, my kick, Maks.”
I dip my chin as I park outside of the jeweler, open the door, and hand my key to the valet.
Usually, Niko would be driving me to something like this as my consigliere, but he just returned from Boston late this morning.
Besides, who better to come with me than an extremely vigilant former bodyguard?
I open the door to the shop and we're greeted by the owner, Emilio, who closed it down for us. “Ahhh Massimo,” he says, kissing one cheek then the other, firmly gripping my hand, then letting go to do the same to Parker. I grin when I realize how easily he’s accepted the Italian way.
Even in Italy and Sicily, Parker fits in well, including learning the language.
After Emilio welcomes us in, he motions us to the table he has set up for us and directs us to sit down.
“So, tell me, tell me, Massimo. What are you thinking?”
We’re barely finishing up with Emilio and putting our coats back on to leave when my phone begins to vibrate with a message at the same time Parker’s phone begins to chime with an incoming video call. His brows knit together, and he answers as soon as we step out.
“Sis?” Parker answers.
Raven’s hands flutter about and I reach down into my pocket for my phone.
“Oh shit,” I hear Parker mutter at the same time I look down at my screen and let out a “What the fuck?”
Niko: Just a heads up
Niko: Sasha and I are with your wife headed to Tribeca to talk to dear old Daddy.