51. Reese
I’m a fucking asshole. Now that Winnie is here, in front of me once again, I cannot figure out why I stayed away. On the off chance I didn’t feel so relieved when I saw her? What a stupid fucking thought. Winnie is my home. My safe place and the one person I’ve always looked forward to seeing, even in our hardest moments. Like now.
The bed is soft beneath me but feels solid compared to the girl in my arms. She’s straddling me, holding me just as tightly as I am her. Our combined cries are the only noise in the room, pouring out of us like the fucking dam just broke. My chest is soaked with her fallen tears, just as her hair is soaked with mine. It hurts. It’s so fucking painful knowing what we lost, but the fact we are together reminds me that just maybe we can get through it. Together. Always together.
“I feel so guilty,” Winnie whimpers sometime later.
I shake my head and bury my face deeper, breathing in her comforting scent. “Please. Don’t.”
“I can’t help it, Reese. Every time I think back to that night, all I can see is you… a-and the doctors. What they did—”
My lips take hers forcefully without thinking too much about it. All I know is I can’t bear her reliving that awful moment. She kisses me tenderly back, but her lips are unsure. I pull away and cup her damp face between my large hands.
“I love you, but I can’t bear to think about what you went through, Win. I’m sorry.”
Her lip wobbles, and my heart races, waiting for her to reply.
“You mean it?”
“Mean what?”
“You love me.”
Silly, silly girl. For the first time in weeks, a smile tugs on my lips, and I let it. It’s not big, but it feels good. “I’ve loved you since I laid eyes on you, Winnie Lewis. My love for you isn’t conditional. It’s forever, everlasting—through anything and everything we go through. This won’t be the only hard thing we face, but as long as we are together, it’s us against the world, baby.”
I flick the shower on and adjust the temperature. I guess Sawyer was right; I stink. Even Winnie was crinkling her nose at me after a while. Glancing over my shoulder, I watch as Winnie hooks the bottom of her shirt. I’m tempted to look away and give her privacy, but then I remember I’m Reese fucking Larson, and I don’t give Winnie Lewis privacy. Ever.
The shirt drops to the counter with a light thud, and then she hooks her pants. She must feel my stare because she looks up, meeting my gaze in the mirror in front of her. A deep blush creeps up her cheeks, but she doesn’t smile. Instead, something like dread filters across her pretty face. Furrowing her brow, she reaches for the shirt, stumbling over an apology that rips my heart to shreds. My feet carry me to her faster than she can unscramble the shirt and slip it on, and I grab the soft material and toss it out of her reach.
Winnie drops her face to her hands, and her shoulders shake. I thought we had cried it all out, but I guess not.
I wrap my arms gently around her, and she turns and curls against my chest.
“Why are you hiding from me?”
Her sobs cut through me like a blade made of ice. “Because where our baby should be is nothing.”
I squeeze her tightly and close my eyes, fighting the burn from turning into anything more. “It’s not nothing,” I say, probably way too late, but my voice is only seminormal. “Your stomach was our baby’s home and will be the home of future babies if we so choose to try. And if not, it’s a part of the woman I love, and that’s not nothing to me. It’s everything.”
“I love you.”
Instead of replying, I pull away and hook her pants, then peel them down her thighs. Dropping to my knees, I look up as I wrap my hands around her waist, placing my face at her navel.
Goosebumps spread over her body, pricking the skin under my hands. She shivers, but it’s not because it’s cold, as steam fills the small bathroom from the hot shower running behind me.
My hands threaten to start shaking, but her eyes fill with tears, and I know what she needs right now is for me to not lose my control.
I drop my gaze over her perfect tits and down to her navel. Although I just saw her naked abdomen, being so close surfaces emotions I can’t push away. Leaning forward, I press my lips firmly against her soft skin and let my eyelids drift closed. The photo of me kissing Winnie’s belly where our baby laid is in my wallet with the other snapshot of us. I’ve not looked at it since I placed it in there, but it’s constantly burning a hole in my pocket.
Winnie slips her hand into my hair, and an unwelcome noise erupts from my throat. Her hand tightens.
“I’m sorry.” I choke on the words.
“I don’t need you strong, Reese. I just need you.”
That’s been the issue all along. I thought I needed to heal before I faced Winnie again. Ready to take all her tears and hold her as long as she needed while being strong for both of us, but that’s not the case at all. This isn’t a process we face alone and come together when we are mostly okay again. Because, truthfully, I don’t know when I will be okay.
“I’m here,” I whisper against her soft skin and say a silent prayer to our baby before pulling away and meeting the eyes of the woman I love. They shine from unshed tears, but her lips that I love so much flick up in a soft smile that lets me know everything will be okay. Not today, or tomorrow, but eventually.