Chapter 20
brANDON
Ihadn’t talked to Lexi for a few days. When she texted me her apology, I wasn’t ready to respond. I needed time to cool off, and I had hoped that giving her some space would be good for her, too.
I opened our text thread.
Lexi
Hey, I’m really sorry about last night.
I sat staring at the message. I knew I wanted to respond, but I didn’t know what to say. Did I want to continue with our current arrangement? Could I separate my feelings for her from the sex?
Dylan came and sat on my station. “Hey, whatcha doing?”
I closed my messages app and put my phone down. “Nothing, waiting for my next appointment. You?”
“My appointment canceled. No one wants to go out in this weather. I hate the snow,” Dylan complained.
“Aw, come on, man, it’s not that bad. I mean, aside from business slowing down some. It’s beautiful. It makes the city seem so peaceful.”
“Peaceful? People drive like fucking assholes in this shit.” He continued, “and I can’t remember what it feels like to be warm.”
I laughed, “Dramatic much? You’ve got the heat in here set to like eighty-five degrees.”
“It’s set at seventy-five, thank you very much. Anyway, I’m cutting out of here early. Coco was meowing at me on the kitty cam. I think she needs some extra snuggles today.”
“You and that fucking cat.” I shook my head and let out a laugh.
“Hey, Coco Baby is an angel and deserves all the snuggles.” Dylan hopped off my station and slapped me on the back. “Have a good night, bro. Be careful getting home later.”
“Will do. You too, even though you only have like a block to go.” Dylan was lucky enough to find an apartment down the street from the shop.
It was in the heart of everything—perfect for a young single guy in the city.
My place wasn’t too much farther away, but it was far enough that I usually drove when the weather was bad.
I loved the snow, but not enough to risk losing toes to frostbite.
Dylan laughed. “See ya tomorrow.”
I reopened my text thread with Lexi.
Me
Hey, sorry I didn’t respond the other day. It’s okay. You were very clear about what this was between us. I’m sorry I overreacted. I’m just not used to fucking without feelings getting involved. I’ll try to keep my shit together. Promise.
I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to keep my feelings out of it, but I was going to give it another try.
I just wanted to be around her, in whatever capacity she’d allow.
Maybe she’d soften to the idea of me in time.
And if not, I was definitely headed for heartbreak, but I’d have to deal with that later.
My phone dinged with an incoming message.
Lexi
I’ll try not to be such a bitch and let you catch your breath before I throw you out next time. I’m not used to fucking a guy who has feelings.
Lexi
Sorry again.
Me
No need to apologize, really. I gotta run. My next appointment is here. You working tomorrow? I’ll be there in the afternoon for a few hours, playing Santa.
Lexi
Yeah, I’ll be there. Maybe I’ll stop by if it’s not too busy.
I put my phone away and greeted my next client with thoughts of Lexi running through my mind.
The next day, while I was getting ready for my Santa shift at the hospital, I couldn’t stop thinking about Lexi.
I should have pushed her more—gotten to the bottom of why she was so against relationships, because I didn’t merely want to fuck her.
I wanted to date her, but I didn’t press the issue.
Didn’t even bring it up. And why not? Because I was a pussy.
That’s why. I’d rather see her in secret as a fuck buddy than not see her at all.
She didn’t seem like the type to stick around and figure shit out. She seemed like a runner.
Damn, the parallels between this and what happened with Nathan and Daphne were crazy.
The only difference—Lexi wasn’t fresh out of a relationship.
She was utterly against them. Period. Oh, and we were sneaking around like teenagers.
Why Daphne and Nathan couldn’t know about us escaped me.
I knew Lexi had promised Daphne, but why was Daphne so against it, anyway?
We were both consenting adults. Was she afraid our dating would be weird because they had just started dating?
Whatever the reason, I wanted more, but was settling for sex, which was so unlike me.
I hoped I’d be able to keep this up until I could figure Lexi out and break down her walls.
When I arrived at the hospital, I did my best to shake off my thoughts of Lexi.
I needed to be present for the kids. Rounding on the floors was the hardest part of this volunteer gig—that was where I’d come into contact with the sickest kids.
The pediatrics floor was usually more fun and lighthearted, but as I moved into the pediatric ICU and oncology floor, things always felt a little heavier.
Despite that, I maintained my jolly Santa persona, hoping I’d brighten an otherwise bad day for at least some of these kids.
If I could elicit even one smile from each kid, I felt like the day was a success.
After making my rounds, I went to the cafeteria to finish my shift.
There, I saw kids who were visiting loved ones who were in the hospital.
It was a little easier to stomach for me, although it hit a little closer to home.
I wasn’t believing-in-Santa age when my mom died, but spending countless hours in the hospital while she was getting treatments took its toll on me, nonetheless.
That’s actually how I ended up volunteering as Santa.
I’d see all the kids during Christmastime in the cafeteria, visiting the jolly guy, smiling at a time that may have been the worst of their lives.
When my mom died, and after I started feeling more like myself again, I wanted to do something, anything, to give back—something that she would have been proud of.
Christmas was always her favorite, and it just felt right.
The kid on my lap beamed up at me as he told me all about the new video game system he wanted for Christmas.