Chapter 20 Daphne
Chapter twenty
Daphne
I didn ’t realize it could be like this.
I’m snuggled against the front of my ripped, fur-covered lover, and I nuzzle my face against the softness of his chest hair.
Andri wants to make me happy, to please me in ways that I didn’t think were possible.
He sighs, and his arms pull me closer as he sniffs the top of my head, pulling in a big whiff of my scent.
“Why do you do that?” I whisper into his pecs. “You seem to smell me an awful lot.”
He shifts in the bed, pushing me away slightly and tucking his chin so that he can see me better.
“Is the reason that you smell amazing not enough?” He looks down at me with those sleepy hooded lids before sniffing my head again, this time with gusto.
“I don’t even wear perfume—and I’ve just been using the free unscented hotel soap.” I laugh, batting him away. “I just smell like…me.”
“That’s my favorite smell.” Andri’s grin cracks wide.
I lift my forearm to my nose and take a whiff. I smell the same as I always do, maybe even a little sweatier given our recent activities.
“I mean, if you say so.” I give up, tucking my arm back underneath his.
He pulls the down comforter up to my chin, and I know it’s for my benefit only, seeing as he wears practically nothing on the slopes.
“Are you ever too hot?” I ask, honestly curious.
“I mean, I hope you think I’m always sexy,” he jokes.
I roll my eyes. “You know that’s not what I meant!”
“I know… I guess I just adjust to temperatures better than most. I prefer the cold, if that’s what you're asking, it feels the most natural for me.”
I frown, now wondering if I’ve caused him some kind of discomfort by having to be near my heat-seeking self all the time. He catches on quickly, though.
“But not nearly as natural as I feel being around you.” He pauses, looking down at me with adoration. “Can I ask you something?”
I nod.
“What do you want this”—he gestures broadly at us both, flicking his fingers through the space like he’s trying to define something invisible—“to be?”
Every muscle in my body tenses. The handsome and kind snowman’s question shouldn’t terrify me, but it does.
Andri is amazing—steady, kind, with a quiet humor that sneaks up on me when I least expect it.
I’m having so much fun with him…and yes, if I let myself picture it, I could see a future with him.
But somehow, the idea of putting a label on this fragile, perfect thing between us is setting off every alarm bell in my body.
Gerald never asked what I wanted, he rushed me into the engagement. Swept me up in some grand gesture, like my engagement ring was some prize that white trash like me was lucky to earn. Yet at the time I was ecstatic, so sure that I was safe and I’d finally found my home.
So sure that I mattered to him.
I didn’t know that forever came with conditions. That his version of forever included another woman’s lipstick on his collar and my silent complicity.
I jumped into our engagement because I was afraid of being alone.
Scared of what my life might look like without someone to prove that I was worth keeping.
With Andri, I can’t let fear steer the course of my life.
I want to be sure. I need to know that we're both in this for the right reasons, and for the long haul, before I hand my heart over again.
I realize I’ve taken too much time to answer. The corners of his mouth have slowly tugged down with disappointment. I hate that I’ve made him doubt, even for a second, how much I care about him.
“I like you so much,” I rush out, my words tumbling over each other. “You are so wonderful to me, and I’m so so grateful you’ve been here to help me pick up the pieces of my life again.”
His expression softens, that fond warmth blooming back in his eyes. It gives me a seed of courage, but not enough to swallow my truth.
“But—”
“Oh, there’s a but,” he says softly, the faintest crack in his voice. That crestfallen look returns, and it hurts more than I want to admit.
I swallow hard. “It’s not necessarily a bad but,” I say quickly, but the words sound thin even to my own ears. “It’s just me…I’m still figuring myself out…I don’t want to rush into something again and mess up what we have right now.”
He turns his head, and I can see his jaw flexing, like he’s trying to rein in his disappointment.
“I’m not your ex, you know that right?” he whispers.
“I know, you couldn’t be more different…you’re amazing.”
“Then why does it feel like I’m paying for what he did to you?”
The question barrels into the center of my heart. I open my mouth, but no words come out. He’s not wrong, and I hate that. Because Andri has been nothing but patient with me.
“It’s not fair to you…I just—when you asked me what I wanted this to be…
” I search my brain for the right words.
“I wanted to say everything. I wanted to say that you’re all I think about, that your touch makes the world make sense again.
But there’s still that injured part of me, the part that Gerald wounded, that needs to heal before I can promise you anything.
” I bite the inside of my cheek after I confess the broken part of myself to him.
“I don’t need forever right now.” He takes a deep breath. “As long as you're honest with me, I promise to be patient.”
“I can do that, because I want to be here with you…I want a life together where I’m healed.”
He pulls me back against him, and I revel in the strength of his arms and the warmth of his body. My throat gets tight, and his acceptance of me as I am right now has tears threatening to crest.
“Take all the time you need.” His voice is low and steady. “Because I’m not going anywhere.”
A weight is lifted off my chest, and I can’t help it when my cheeks are streaked with wetness. I look up, and all the sadness and anxiety has melted from his face. He lies there now with a look of determined patience.
I don’t say anything else, I just grip him back with every ounce of power left in my body. For the first time in a long time, my future doesn’t feel like an inevitable threat, but a possibility I can be excited about.