Chapter 14
Alicia
Alicia was inquiring about Jamie’s life aspirations, but perhaps it came across as an accusation of something else.
He was shifting a little uncomfortably on the couch, like he’d been caught with his pants down.
Now that was an interesting image. She examined the sketch of him on her canvas and imagined the jeans gone.
Then glancing up at his real face, she saw that he needed an explanation.
‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘I was thinking of… Oh, never mind. So, what is it that you want from life, Mr Butler? What are your hopes, dreams and ambitions?’
‘From life? What do I want from life?’ Jamie’s shoulders loosened, although not enough to diminish their glory.
‘Yes, sorry. I should have made that clear.’ Alicia was so at ease in his company that her curiosity ran amok.
Creativity surged, as did intrigue and inquiry.
The best parts of who she was popped up like fresh seedlings through the soil.
And that was amazing because Alicia had been wondering if her creative roots had shrivelled and died.
As for her sexual roots, after all the damage inflicted by Chad, she never believed she would want another man in that way, let alone trust one enough to sleep with him.
But Jamie, he changed all her settings, like a force field that interfered with her radar without even trying. And she’d known him for one day.
‘Okay, my hopes, dreams and ambitions?’ Jamie mulled the question. ‘Are you sure you don’t want to start with my favourite colour or sandwich filling or my star sign?’
Alicia giggled. ‘Whatever you are most comfortable with.’
Jamie reclined a little more on the sofa, stared at the ceiling and appeared to give the topic serious consideration.
‘In terms of what I want from life, I think – like any Piscean man whose favourite colour is blue and who loves a cheese Ploughman’s – I want safety and security for myself and for those I love.
I want to make my dad proud and my mum not to have to worry about anything.
And one day I’d like a woman and some children that I could love and adore. Nothing highly original, I suppose.’
‘Maybe not.’ Alicia swept her brush across the canvas.
‘But I like it.’ What was important wasn’t the originality of what Jamie had said but that his priorities were not money, fame or the respect of millions.
She didn’t doubt he was already comfortable financially and commanded respect, but he also had a family who must be proud of him, and that was the thing he placed most value on. That told Alicia a great deal.
‘Bit boring, though?’ he said.
‘No, not boring at all.’
‘How about you?’ Jamie asked. ‘What do you want?’
It was easy asking the question, but answering it was a different ballgame. Alicia deflected. ‘Well, first I want to finish this painting of you and make it the best it can be.’
‘I’m sure it will be.’ Jamie didn’t push but he must sense her playing the avoidance game.
He would also know that unless he filled the silence, she would have to answer.
It was weird because she hadn’t considered in such a long time what it was that she wanted from life.
She’d gone back into acting because of Chad persuading her.
And since life had come crashing down, she’d been operating in emergency mode to get through each day.
‘The truth is,’ Alicia admitted, ‘I’m not sure how to answer that question.
I’ve been a little lost for some time and I came on this break to work out what I want.
’ That was putting it mildly, but a good way of describing things without describing things.
‘But I will try.’ She cast her eyes across the artwork in front of her, let herself be aware of the comforting feel of the paintbrush, the crackling, woody fire that was burning across the room and the snow still falling in her peripheral vision like a white throw that shielded her from the world.
This was perfect. And this man, like some kind of topless Scottish cowboy, made it even more so.
‘I think,’ she concluded, ‘that all I want is to be able to be the most authentic version of myself and be understood accepted and respected for that. If that doesn’t sound too pretentious, which it probably does. ’ She blinked back salt water. Shit.
‘Hey, no it doesn’t, not at all?’ Jamie sat up on the edge of the couch, triceps flexing reassuringly as he pushed himself up. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Yeah, I’m good. Sorry. I’ve been on a bit of a journey to recognising what it is that I want. I guess I shouldn’t ask awkward questions that I can’t answer myself.’
‘Ha, well, it’s fun finding out about whatever you want to tell me. Although I’m still curious about your favourite colour, sandwich filling and star sign.’
Thank goodness Jamie had lightened the conversation a little. ‘It is fun,’ Alicia agreed. ‘You’re fun to paint and fun to hang with, Jamie Butler. And the answers are pink, shrimp and avocado salad and I’m also a Pisces.’
‘And there you go.’ Jamie settled back a little more as if his work was done.
‘Indeed. Useless, huh?’
‘Kind of. So tell me your biggest fear.’
Alicia raised an eyebrow. He was joking, right?
‘Don’t worry.’ Jamie shot her a smile that put her heart at ease. ‘There’s harmless getting to know you and too much too soon, and that question is the latter.’
It was a relief that Jamie was joking and Alicia’s warm laughter intertwined with his. Then she was distracted by something outside the window. Something that made all the warmth bleed out of her soul.