Chapter 21 #2
Alicia nodded, glad that he cared but thankful she could get out of here. The room reeked of shame – her shame – and neither of them needed to breathe that in.
Back in her lodge, Alicia did the only thing she could think of to block out the visceral self-loathing.
She picked up a paintbrush and returned to her landscape.
Fortunately, she hadn’t taken all her supplies to Jamie’s.
However, pushing away the pain would be doubly difficult because now she was trying to block out two things: the stuff she’d come to Scotland to avoid and Jamie.
At around four, the grey of the sky morphed to an elegant navy and it was too dark for painting. Alicia contemplated the image on the canvas. Considering she’d been in a place of upset, she hadn’t let her emotions supersede the art. A win.
There was a knock at the door. Jamie was standing under the porch light.
Out of sight he was difficult enough to push to the back of her mind, but the man in the flesh was an impossibility.
As soon as Alicia opened the door to those earnest features and the warm bergamot scent worked its magic, her insides became as marshmallow as the snowy landscape.
Jamie Butler did something to her she wasn’t in control of.
‘Hey. Can I come in for a wee bit?’ he asked.
Alicia wanted to say no, but it was too difficult and would be rude.
‘Um… sure.’
‘I wanted to check if you’re okay.’ His brow was lined with concern. ‘Has the time alone helped at all?’
‘Yes, a little,’ she said, softly.
‘I’m sorry if I said anything that offended you.’
‘It doesn’t matter. I’m fine now, truly.’
‘You sure?’
‘Yes.’
‘Alright, well, listen, would you like to have dinner with me? In the restaurant? On me, of course. I’d love your company and hopefully it will help take your mind off things a bit.’
Alicia’s answer should be a reflexive yes but how could she sit in a restaurant with other people?
What if Dean and Diana were there? What if Jamie probed her about what he had said to upset her, and she had to tell him and started to cry?
Or he reacted in a way that inflamed her shame?
Therefore, against all her true desires, she said, ‘Thank you for the offer, but I’m going to eat alone tonight. ’
His face fell. ‘Are you sure? I understand that you might not want to hang with the guy who says things to upset you, but I am disappointed, so if there’s anything I can to do persuade you––’
Guilt swooped in like a bird of prey. It wasn’t Jamie’s fault that she had posed for nudes and they’d been leaked on the internet. But how could she make this better? Should she tell him? Why was she so bothered what he thought? It wasn’t like they had a future together.
‘You have nothing to apologise for,’ she said.
‘You didn’t say anything wrong. But what you said brought back a bad memory for me and…
’ She stopped. Heart in turmoil. Her private life was smeared all over the internet, yet here she was having to explain it.
At the very least, the pictures should do that job for her.
‘What happened, Leesh?’
Leesh? Jamie was calling her Leesh. That should feel nice, but her heart was splintering. Could it be that he had developed a fondness for her – a fondness she was about to shatter with her revelation.
‘Can we sit down?’ Alicia moved to the couch and motioned for Jamie to join her. Despite his proximity, she focused on a vase on the far shelf while she spoke, although it did little to quell the nausea.
‘What you said hit on a nerve,’ she explained. ‘You see… God, this is hard. Like, really hard.’
‘Take your time.’ Jamie laid a brief, but comforting hand on her knee.
‘Okay. It’s like this. Before I left home, I got caught up in some scandal. It’s why I left.’ Breathe, breathe, concentrate on the soft curves of the vase. You can do this. He’s just a person.
‘You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to.’ Jamie moved to touch Alicia’s hand but she slid it away, pre-empting his response when he found out she was spread all over the internet in the worst possible way. Coming up in adult searches along with porn stars.
‘No, I do.’ God, how she wished the cup of cold herbal tea on the table was whisky. ‘When I was with Chad, I sent him some photos of me: photos where I wasn’t wearing any clothes.’ A beat passed as she let the idea settle in Jamie’s mind.
‘Okay.’ He gave little away, instead affording her time and space to talk.
‘They were just for him, nobody else. But when we broke up – which was quite acrimonious – those photos ended up all over the internet. Chad will never admit that he leaked them; everyone thinks it was a hacker, but I know it was him. He’s a vindictive man, and it’s exactly the sort of stunt he would pull, having the money to pay anyone to do it and keep it on the quiet.
Either way, I am utterly ashamed of those photos being out there and when you made that comment about me being nude on the whisky bottle, it brought it all back.
I figured that you were teasing me about it. That you’d googled me.’
Jamie was silent. Alicia couldn’t bear to look at him and see the change on his face. Hot stinging tears marched their way along her tear ducts, like an army of saltwater ants. Her hand trembled.
‘Hey,’ he whispered.
She looked at him and found that his expression bore nothing but compassion.
‘I had no idea,’ he said. ‘I didn’t google you, and if I had known, I certainly wouldn’t be teasing you about it. That’s an awful thing to happen to anyone. Alicia, I’m so sorry.’
He was calling her Alicia again. So long intimacy. Back to formality. Her hopes were cracking like broken ice.
‘I’m so ashamed, Jamie, but there is nothing I can do about those photos.
They will always be out there. What I can control is not being around people who judge me for them and accepting that some men will not want to be with me because of them.
So, I understand that you may see me differently, which means we won’t see each other anymore.
Or you think something else of me, in which case I also can’t see you. Do you see why it’s a dilemma for me?’
The lines on Jamie’s face became trenches of intense concern which were impossible to read.
‘Aye, I understand your dilemma,’ he said.
‘But I can assure you of several things. First, I haven’t seen or even heard about the photos.
I didn’t know who you were when I met you, and I didn’t go googling you the minute I found out.
I could have done, but why would I? I have you right here.
I could ask you anything about yourself and get the truth straight from the horse’s mouth.
Same goes for photos. Anything I need to see is right in front of me.
You’re blindingly beautiful in the flesh; why on earth would I look at you on the internet?
Second, if you took nudes and sent them to your ex…
well, I will admit to being exceptionally jealous of the guy, but only because he got to be with you first, had you as his girlfriend and I don’t.
If you sent him photos, then that’s between you and him.
Or it should have been. I can tell you’re ashamed, but you’ve nothing to be ashamed of.
If I’m honest, all I want to do right now is knock Chad Bradbury’s block off.
What a shitty thing to do to someone. It must have been so hard for you, especially if you came all the way to remotest Scotland to escape the fallout. ’
If Alicia had been asked to script a perfect response to her revelation, Jamie’s would be it. Truly he was exceptional. His words soothed and there was no doubt of his sincerity. But she had to tell him more.
‘There was other stuff too. A video of me supposedly off my face on drugs, which I do not do – Chad may have spiked my drink that night. He’s gone all out to ruin my reputation, and it’s worked.
My career as a model or actress is in ruins and it’s his doing.
’ Tears lumbered like clumsy raindrops onto Alicia’s lap.
‘Hey.’ Jamie shuffled along the couch. ‘Come here.’ He put his arm around her, pulled her to him, and tenderly kissed her head.
‘I’m sure your career isn’t in ruins. You’re incredible, Alicia.
You could do anything you wanted. Women bounce back from these scandals all the time.
I realise there’s a long way to go but the world is waking up to the ills of some powerful men.
This does not mean the end for you. Not if you don’t want it to. ’
With the back of her hand, Alicia swiped her eyes. Jamie was probably right; it was just so hard to believe right now.
‘Do you want to rebuild your acting or modelling career?’ He asked astutely.
And this was the million-dollar question.
Having her contract terminated was galling but the plates of her world had shifted now.
Showbusiness had bared its teeth at her and she could never unsee that side of it, never think they couldn’t turn on you on a dime, even if you were a Donoghue.
‘You know what? I’m not sure anymore,’ she admitted.
‘I came here to paint and to get back to what I truly love. Being here has been so calming and centring that it makes me want to forget acting and modelling again and focus on my art.’
‘Well, maybe that’s your answer. Maybe – if you can afford to – you go back to LA and paint. It sounds like that’s your true passion. And it’s where your family is.’
Alicia nodded and dabbed away another tear. Jamie was right. About the painting and her family. But how she wished he would tell her he wanted her to stay in Scotland with him. Her heart was well and truly moving its belongings into Jamie’s country, even if she physically was unable to.
Then, as if reading her mind, Jamie asked the question which had, over the past two days of being with him, moved to top of the pile of important questions.
‘Do you want to go back to LA, Alicia?’
Reflexively, the truth fell from Alicia’s lips. ‘No. I’ve never been so happy since being cocooned in this hotel with you. I know it’s not reality, but it’s the truth.’
Jamie removed his arm and inched back on the couch. Oh, what had she said?
‘Do you mean that?’
‘What?’
‘That you’ve never been happier since being stuck here with me?’
‘Of course. It’s been heaven.’
‘It’s been heaven for me too.’ His eyes glinted with indefinable emotion.
Alicia hoped he might be about to say something monumental, something that would both melt her heart and make it spring through the air like a dashing reindeer.
Something like stay in Scotland with me, or let’s buy a little cottage down the hill and live there together forever.
These thoughts were far-fetched and ridiculous.
She met Jamie two days ago, no way would his mind be working at such a fast pace.
It was the romantic setting, the snow and all the cosy wintery things making her feel like life could be like this all the time.
It couldn’t. Holiday romances ended and were best left that way.
And that, no doubt, was what he was about to say.
But Jamie said nothing more. Instead he scooped her onto his lap.
She draped her arm over his bear-like shoulder, the faint citrusy scent rippling comfort through her.
His other hand sat secure on her waist as he kissed her.
She would accept this kiss in place of words; Jamie’s kisses soothed everything.
He knew when to make them hungry and when to keep them gentle and tender.
Today he was tender with her, soothing her hurt with his acceptance and understanding.
‘You’re lovely, Alicia,’ he told her. ‘You’re beautiful and you’re smart and you’re insanely talented, and you deserve good things to happen to you. I hope with everything I have that they do.’
They already are, thought Alicia. Right here with you.