Chapter 4
POSY
The morning came far too quickly, the sun dancing over my eyelids. I did my best not to shift, not to make a single move. Because if I did, he would know I was awake.
His body rolled over me, protectively holding me in his embrace as if we had been doing this for decades rather than the few short hours we had given each other to sleep.
I wanted to say that I could blame it all on the alcohol, but that wasn’t going to be the case. It couldn’t be when I had been clear in my intentions, my consent, and the fact that the only regret I had was that it was going to be the last time.
My head didn’t ache, which told me indeed I hadn’t had too much to drink, and I was grateful for the water we had chugged in between our bouts of heat.
Though heat wasn’t the right word for it.
Glimpses of exactly what had happened the night before filled my brain, and I let out a sigh without thinking.
Because he had made sure that everything we had done was exactly how I had always thought it would be.
Rough and yet soft, caring and attentive, and yet giving each other pleasure in a way that I hadn’t thought possible before.
I ached between my legs, and I knew I would be sore for a couple of days.
My breasts were tender, and I knew tiny little bite marks and bruises would cover my body, and it would all be taken in pleasure, and memory.
Just like I knew he had similar marks over him.
One set of sheets was tangled on the floor—we had found a spare in the closet—and now we were huddled under layers of blankets and quilts, with his front to my back, his leg positioned perfectly between mine so that we spooned into one another.
I could feel his rock-hard erection pressing against my lower back, but neither one of us shifted.
Because Cullen had heard that sigh of mine. His arm tightened around my waist, and that’s when I realized his large hand cupped my breast, as if he had done it in his sleep, a perfect space to nestle after a long day.
My lips curved at that thought, and I had to wonder exactly what he would think about that.
“I know you’re awake,” he whispered. His warm breath slid over the back of my neck, and I shivered into his hold, unconsciously snuggling in for more warmth.
Truly we hadn’t needed the countless quilts and blankets. Not when he was a heater himself.
“Posy? Would you like me to get out of bed?” he asked softly, and I swallowed hard before turning in his hold.
He shifted slightly, and now his cock pressed against my belly, our legs entangled. I put my hands on his chest, nearly covering my breasts as I looked up at him.
“I’m awake.”
“Yes. You are,” he repeated.
Of course I hadn’t said the correct thing. After all, I felt beyond lost. Beyond trying to figure out what the heck I was doing.
“I can see the panic in your eyes,” he said after a moment, and I bit into my lip, my hands curling against his chest.
When he let out a deep sigh, I scrambled out of bed, not knowing what I should do.
If I reached for him, I wouldn’t be able to stop. I wasn’t sure what he would do though. And that was the worst of it all.
Because he was my friend. And now I was afraid I was going to lose him.
“Posy,” he said after a moment. He sat up, the blankets pulling around his waist. When he slid his hands through his hair, pushing it back from his face, I pressed my lips together. I’d wrapped one of the quilts around myself, standing there as if I were lost beyond redemption.
“I’m… I don’t know what to say.”
“I guess you don’t have to say anything.” He frowned, and I shook my head, feeling as if I were losing something precious. “Did I hurt you?”
My gaze shot up, meeting his, and I moved forward without thinking. He stood up quickly, tying one of the sheets around his waist, and I put my hands against his chest once more.
“You didn’t hurt me at all, anything that happened was exactly what either one of us wanted.
At least at the time…” I said, my voice trailing off.
Cullen cursed and pulled away from me. It was as if ice slowly began to make its jagged way through my chest, and one of the only people I could ever rely on walked away, leaving me a broken husk.
“I’m sorry. I really shouldn’t have kissed you.
Either time. I mean, I don’t want to ruin what we have.
You’re one of my best friends. I love hanging out with you, I just like being with you.
But I don’t know. I mean, you’re one of the only people who helps me get out of my house.
How silly is that? And here we are, ruining it because we can’t help what our glands want.
And I just said the word glands. Who says the word glands?
” I asked, my voice rising with each panicked sentence.
Cullen was in front of me then and cupped my face.
“I’m going to need you to breathe, baby. Breathe.”
“Did you call me baby?” I asked, my voice slightly breathy.
When his lips curved, I smiled at him. “Yes, I did call you baby. Though I’m going to need to find another cute name for you. Too many of our friends use the word baby.”
“Oh.”
“I need you to calm down, okay? Because I think we need to talk.”
“Usually it’s the woman saying that.”
“In movies from the nineties and aughts, but not now. We’re going to move forward, because, Posy, I’ve been falling in love with you. There.” He lowered his hands and began to pace again as I stood there, barely keeping the quilt over my shoulders.
Had he just said what I thought he did? No, there was no way. Cullen could not love me. Or at least start to fall in love with me. We hadn’t even kissed before the mistletoe. And yet…
“Love?” I croaked.
He winced before reaching for his jeans.
“I can’t have this conversation when we’re both naked.”
“Oh, thank God. Because I’m one panicked movement away from losing this quilt, and then it’s one of my worst nightmares. Having an awkward conversation with someone you care about and then you’re both naked.”
He winced when I said the word care, and I knew I needed to fix it. I just didn’t know how. I really wasn’t good at this.
“Here, we sort of piled your clothes last night. And well, we do have our suitcases for clean ones.”
I nodded, then pulled on my jeans and a sweater. I’d shower and change for real later, but I didn’t have time to make an outfit when my life seemed to be changing with each passing gasp.
“You said love.”
“I did. And I’ve been freaking out about it for a while now.”
“Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“Probably because I was afraid I was going to fuck it up. Much like I’m doing right now. Yes, Posy. I’m falling in love with you.”
“But you never said anything.”
“Yes. I realize that.” That’s when I realized we were just repeating the same circular argument, and I let out a breath.
“I didn’t know. I just thought we were friends.”
“We are friends, Posy. You are one of my favorite people in the world and I wasn’t going to ruin our friendship, ruin what we already have together for what could have just been our glands, as you put it.”
“We must never use that word again.”
“I agree,” he said, his lips twitching. “But in all seriousness, I didn’t know what you felt. I still don’t know what you feel. So I wasn’t about to ruin a great thing in my life. I’m almost forty, Posy. I’m not a fucking kid. I’ve had serious relationships. Fuck, I’ve been married. Just like you.”
I nodded, trying not to think about my ex-husband in that moment.
“We’ve been through this before with other people.
And we both know what happens when it doesn’t work out.
It’s shitty, and then you lose that person in your life.
But I wasn’t friends with my ex-wife before we got married.
And things didn’t work out for either one of us.
But I don’t know what I’m going to do if I lose you now.
My family is huge. There’s so many of us, and they’re all starting families now.
I’m one of the only ones left unmarried, and I was the first one to even cross that bridge.
And here I am, standing in front of you, feeling like a goddamn teenager because I don’t know how to tell you that I want to be in your life.
I don’t want this to be a one-night mistake. ”
“Cullen,” I interjected.
“It’s okay, I’ll get you to your parents’ house, and we can forget this ever happened.”
“Cullen. Please listen to me. Because now you’re the one freaking out.”
“I guess I am, aren’t I?” he asked, that grin on his face again.
“I’m thirty-five. I’ve been married before, and I know that according to society I’m too late or nearly too late to begin a family, but I want one. It wasn’t in the cards the first time, and frankly, I’m not sure if it’ll ever happen, but you as my friend? I want that to always be.”
“Damn straight.”
“And I want a chance to fall in love with you, Cullen,” I said, eyes widened. “I want a chance to figure out something that could be amazing. And take a leap that I was so afraid to do. I’ve lost too many years, and I don’t want to lose anymore.”
And then Cullen was in front of me, hands on my cheeks again. “Thirties aren’t the end you know, at least that’s what my friends tell me.”
“That is true, but maybe they can be a new beginning?”
“Look at you, sounding like one of those books you narrate.”
“I want a chance to fall in love with you Cullen,” I repeated.
“Good. Then you can catch up.”
And then his mouth was on mine, and I knew that being snowed in with my best friend might have been the best near accident ever.
* * *
Five years later.
“Tasha, please stop banging that spoon against that pan,” I said as sweetly as I could as my three-year-old daughter sat on the floor, grinning up at me.
“Yes, I know you love that pan, but Mommy has a headache.”
“Mom! Mom!” Jake said as he ran into the room, our eight-year-old son grinning at us with his backpack over his shoulder. Cullen walked in behind him, our infant daughter in his arms.
“Oh, did you get your paper back?” I asked, smiling as Jake wrapped his arms around my waist.
“I got an A. Can you believe that? Me.”
“I’m not surprised at all,” I said with a grin.
In the past five years, life wasn’t always easy, but I had learned to take a second chance when I never thought it was possible.
Because not only on that long stretch of road did I fall in love with my best friend, I also started a whole new life I was never prepared for.
Because we not only celebrated Christmas at my parents’ house, we celebrated the day after Christmas with all of Cullen’s family.
Because just like that, we were family.
After all, we had been accidentally dating for a good two years. Just nobody ever bothered to tell us we were already on that path.
We had adopted Tasha and Jake together, only a little over two years ago now, and they were two joys and lights in our lives.
So having baby Natalie at the ripe age of forty, had been quite a shock.
We hadn’t been trying, because neither one of us had wanted to worry ourselves like we had the first two years, and now, here we were, proud parents of three, and exhausted.
I spun Jake around the room, before picking up Tasha and watching as Cullen walked towards me, Natalie still in his arms, looking happily up at her father.
“I thought you were going to take a nap,” Cullen whispered before sliding his lips over mine. I sighed into him, that familiar feel of him still feeling new at the same time. The paradox of it unyielding.
“I was in the mood for a snack, and you had kidnapped my baby girl.”
“She needed Daddy time, and now Jake’s home from school, and I see Tasha is starting a band,” he said as he tickled our daughter.
I sat Tasha down, and she chased after Jake, before Cullen handed me Natalie and forced me to sit down on one of the kitchen chairs.
Then I proceeded to watch the love of my life make us dinner, cleaning up messes and letting me rest.
Because this was the man who had not only gotten me out of my house all those years ago but had broken me out of my shell.
And I loved him more than anything.
“Hey, did you hear our favorite cabin is open for the next holiday season.”
“You do realize that both sets of our parents will murder us if we spend Christmas in a cabin alone.”
“That is true, but I already have a plan.”
“Oh?” I asked, keeping an eye on the two other kids while I nursed Natalie.
“We’re heading to my folks’ house, and your parents will be there as well, then we’re going to have Mommy and Daddy time only thirty minutes away in our favorite cabin.”
“Are you telling me that you want me to leave a then six-month-old, as well as the other two, with both sets of grandparents?” He opened his mouth, probably to explain what a good idea it was, but I started laughing. “I’m in. Totally in.”
He moved around the kitchen island and pressed his lips against mine again. “That’s good, because I already booked it. I’m evil that way.”
“I guess it’s good that one of us takes the initiative.”
“With you, I’ll do anything.”
And then he went back to cooking dinner, and I nestled in my chair, forever grateful for a snowstorm, a broken car, and a tiny cabin in the woods.