Chapter 13
Hugo was afraid to speak. She must know of his feelings by now, but she showed no signs of wanting anything other than pleasure with him. Surely that meant something from a woman like Penny. She would give neither her body nor her heart lightly.
And what of her heart—her physical heart? How much danger was she truly in? She had seemed quite well during this time together despite her bouts of pain and fatigue, but he knew the attacks that would signal damage to her heart could come on suddenly after months or even years of apparent health.
He could not help but think of marriage.
Penny was the only woman he had ever wanted as his wife, but even if she agreed to marry him, what would their future be?
This magical daily life was precious to him, but he must leave her behind even if they married.
He could not risk her falling ill in the middle of the ocean with no one but a poorly-trained ship’s surgeon to help her.
She must stay in England where medical care would be readily available.
He could not think of a way around the necessity of leaving her behind when he sailed at the end of January. So, like a coward, he remained silent and tried to show her how he felt with his body.
They went outdoors for a few decorous circuits through the snow-covered garden in deference to Penny’s joints, avoiding the rest of the people at the inn.
The sky was lighter today, and Hugo suspected the weather would grow warmer within a day or two.
Already, men who would be able to reach their eventual destinations on foot had begun to filter out of the inn.
When the snow began to melt, this priceless time together would be over and he would need to part from Penny, one way or the other.
“Hugo?”
He turned, and a snowball splashed against his chest, showering his chin and cheeks with loose snow. Penny laughed aloud and bent to gather more snow for her next sally.
His last snowball fight had been the winter before he left for his first posting as a midshipman.
Slowly, he dusted the snow from his front and raised one eyebrow to give Penny his sternest sea captain glare. “Is that a challenge, Miss Montgomery?”
Penny stood there for a moment with her head cocked to the side, contemplating him, before a wicked grin spread across her face. “Yes.”
The next snowball struck him directly in the face.
With a growl, he scooped up his own handful of snow and began to pursue her while she shrieked with laughter, careful to keep his steps measured so she was just out of reach.
After all, what fun would it be for either of them to end the pursuit too early?
There was not much cover in the small garden of the inn, but he did the best he could, ducking behind thin leafless trees and low walls as Penny aimed for him, retaliating with loosely-packed ammunition that could not hurt her.
At last, she stopped and turned to him with a smile, one hand outstretched. Her face was flushed and her breath came quickly with the exercise and cold air. A few strands of her dark hair tumbled down from her bonnet despite the warm wool cap she had put on beneath it.
She had never looked more beautiful.
“Pax?” she said.
He looked at the snowball in his hand, ready for use, and let it drop to the ground. “Pax.”
With two strides, he was in front of her. He pulled her close and kissed her until she strained against him, one of her hands clasping the nape of his neck to keep him there.
Then she pulled back a few inches and looked him in the eye.
“I win,” she said.
And stuffed a handful of snow down the back of his neck with her other hand before fleeing back towards the inn, glancing over her shoulder to make sure he followed as she laughed in triumph.
“You little devil!” Unable to control his own laughter, he pursued her inside, dodging around a few stray Robsons as she clattered up the stairs, still laughing.
When she got to their door, she turned to press her back against it, her chest heaving with the exercise as she grinned at him.
He approached her slowly, feeling like a predator seeking its prey as he moved closer and closer until he pressed her against the door.
Her grin faded and her eyes half-lidded with arousal as he loomed over her.
Her tongue reached out to moisten her lower lip.
Unlocking the door, he walked her backwards into the room as he kept his gaze fixed on hers. Her skirts brushed against the foot of the bed as he closed the door without looking and locked it again. With deliberate motions, he unbuttoned his greatcoat and threw it aside, followed by his jacket.
“Do you yield?” he asked, and stepped even closer. With each breath, her breasts brushed against his chest. She gazed up at him as though mesmerized, lips parted.
“Yes.”
He cupped the nape of her neck with his icy-cold hand and she laughed aloud, trying to squirm away as he held her head steady for his kiss.
She was so vibrant. So alive, even with her limitations.
He could not bear losing her.
The thought made his desire for her even more urgent, and he swept her back onto the bed in a shower of giggles that quickly turned to moans of pleasure.
And then Hugo held her as tightly as he dared afterwards, fearful of what the future might hold.
He must ask Penny to marry him. He could pretend to himself that it was for practical reasons—to save her reputation, or to keep the Montgomery money in the family—but that would require him to lie to himself.
The true reason was the simplest. He loved her. He had loved her since they were children, and time had not changed that for him. Now that they had spent so much time alone together, he knew it never would. Even if they parted tomorrow, he would never stop loving Penny Montgomery.
That only made the prospect of asking her to marry him more terrifying.
She stirred in his arms and he looked down at her as her eyes fluttered open. She blinked, and then smiled at him as her gaze focused on his face. His heart squeezed for a moment as he caressed her cheek.
Her heart.
“Penny.” He cleared his throat around a sudden constriction, and her brows knitted. “Did they talk to you... did they tell you... do you know about your heart?”
Her expression shuttered, and she sat up with a scowl, forcing him to sit up as well.
“Who told you?”
“Everyone knows. Oliver told us.”
“There was no need for him to spread it to the whole family.”
“We had a right to know,” he protested, but he understood why she was angry. Why should her health be the business of the extended family, something else for them to gossip and criticize her for?
“There was no need for them to know. Not only is there no way to predict whether it will happen, it doesn’t matter.”
His surge of anger at her flippancy surprised him. “It doesn’t matter that your heart could fail you at any moment?”
The intensity of her gaze on his seemed to will him to understand.
“Even if I stayed at home wrapped in cotton wool, I could still die. There is no way of knowing or predicting when it might happen, if it happens at all. So… I choose to live for as long as I can.”
She regarded him curiously, and he squirmed a little under her gaze. “I don’t understand why this surprises you so, Hugo. Have you not had to come to a similar decision yourself?”
“What do you mean?”
“The war, of course. You must have come to some sort of peace with the idea you could die at any time.”
Hugo shook his head. “No. No, I have never come to peace with the idea. It is always at the back of my mind with every voyage. I do everything I can to avoid death.”
“I have no wish to die. I want to live as long as possible. But I also do not want to live my life in fear of it. Do you understand?”
“Yes,” he said. He wondered a little at his own cowardice at not being able to match her acceptance. Perhaps it was his stubborn insistence that he could not possibly die that had preserved him for so long.
Penny regarded him for another moment, then shrugged. “I’m beginning to get hungry.”
As they prepared to go downstairs, Hugo realized this was another reason for him to ask Penny to marry him—perhaps insist on it.
She clearly had no sense of self-preservation.
She needed someone to keep a sharp eye on her to make certain she did not take any unnecessary risks with her life or her health.
Who will watch over her when you go to Bermuda?
They ate their supper in the taproom under Mrs. Robson’s indulgent eye.
Hugo somehow succeeded in keeping his hands to himself though his palms itched to touch her.
He felt he would burst if he did not ask her the question immediately, but he could not.
Not in the crowded taproom in front of so many prying eyes. He could not take that chance.
As they returned upstairs, Penny said, “You were quiet at supper. Is anything wrong?”
“Not at all.” His stomach roiled. What if she said no?
He let them into their room and led Penny over to sit on the stool by the fireplace. She laughed.
“What is it, Hugo?”
Taking a deep breath, he sank to the floor to kneel in front of her, taking her hands in his. She gazed down at him, the firelight illuminating her beautiful face.
“I… Penny, you must know how I feel about you.”
She smiled, but shook her head. “I don’t know. Not really. Not for certain. You must tell me.”
Her gaze was so warm it made him ache with everything he had never thought to have.
“Tell me, Hugo.”
He swallowed hard. This was more terrifying than his first climb to the crow’s nest. More heart-stopping than his first battle.
But he must do it.
“Penny… ” His voice firmed. “Penelope Montgomery, I love you. I think I’ve loved you from the day we met.”
Her face lit up, more radiant than he’d ever seen her. “Oh, Hugo. I love you, too.”
He gaped at her. “You do?”
“Do you think I would have lain with you if I didn’t?”
He shook his head slowly. Other women might have, perhaps, but not Penny.
It was almost beyond his comprehension. He had yearned for her for so long, and now...