Chapter Twenty-Seven #2
‘How do you know that even exists?’ asked Kristoff. Lucy said nothing, and after a few seconds, realisation dawned on Kristoff’s face. ‘Right,’ he said quietly. ‘You’ve felt it before.’
‘I . . .’ said Lucy, feeling like the conversation was running away from her. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Come on, Luce,’ said Kristoff softly. ‘We’ve come this far. Be honest with me.’
‘Yes,’ said Lucy quickly, before she bottled out completely. ‘I had a connection with someone once, and it was a different feeling from how I feel about you. I don’t know exactly what it was, but it felt . . . special. And I don’t want to settle for less than that.’
Kristoff nodded slowly, a resigned smile on his lips. ‘Nate Lambert, right?’
Colour rushed to Lucy’s cheeks, and she swallowed down another rising wave of nausea. There was no point denying it; Kristoff deserved better than that. ‘Yes,’ she said, unable to look at him.
‘You and he got together in Zermatt.’
Lucy nodded. ‘Yes, but it was a one-off. We haven’t seen or spoken to each other since . . . you and I got together.’
‘Until yesterday.’
‘Yes.’
‘So the timing of this announcement isn’t a coincidence.’
‘Actually, yes,’ said Lucy, looking up at him and keeping her voice strong. ‘I’d already realised that you and I weren’t the real deal before yesterday. But I will concede that seeing him again clarified things.’
‘You’re in love with him?’
Lucy paused and considered the question. It felt so ridiculous, to say she was in love with someone she’d spent one weekend with. And a pop star, for goodness’ sake. They barely knew each other, and right now the whole thing felt like an embarrassing cliché.
‘I think so. I don’t know. All I know is that one weekend with Nate felt more powerful than—’
‘—three months with me.’
‘It sounds brutal, when you put it like that,’ said Lucy, feeling suddenly cold and empty. Was she a bad person? Had she led Kristoff on, made him think she felt more than she did? Or had she just read him completely wrong? It all felt so confusing right now.
‘It’s fine,’ said Kristoff. ‘I can take it. And I appreciate your honesty.’
They sat in silence for a minute, Lucy not knowing what to do next. Car after car drove past them onto the petrol forecourt, and a man comforted a screaming child who’d dropped her ice lolly. Flights took off and came in to land overhead with a whoosh and a roar.
‘What are you going to do?’ asked Kristoff. ‘About Nate?’
‘I have no idea,’ shrugged Lucy. ‘He and I are in really different places, and it’s unlikely things will ever work out between us.’
‘His loss,’ muttered Kristoff, trying to force a smile. It hurt Lucy’s heart that even now, Kristoff was trying to make her feel better. He really was the best of men.
‘But that isn’t the point,’ she said. ‘I want to feel the way he made me feel, even if I have to stay single for a really long time to find that.’
Kristoff gave a hollow laugh. ‘Despite feeling like shit right now, I have to admire your uncompromising commitment to your own happiness.’
‘It’s all I have,’ said Lucy. ‘If I don’t commit to that, who will?’
‘I would have tried,’ said Kristoff, his voice cracking a little. ‘You know that, right? I’d have spent my whole life trying to make you happy.’
‘I know,’ said Lucy, tears starting to pour down her face. ‘But you deserve someone who feels the same way about you as you feel about them. It’s what both of us deserve.’
‘Yeah, I guess,’ said Kristoff, pulling a pack of tissues from a slot in the dashboard and handing her one. ‘And it’s not like I need to settle for second best. I’m a super-hot millionaire.’
‘Yes, you are,’ laughed Lucy through her tears. ‘And you’re an incredible person. You definitely don’t need to settle.’
Kristoff nodded, then took a deep breath. ‘What do we do now? Much as I adore you, I’m not sure I can cope with dinner with your parents.’
‘I wouldn’t ask you to,’ said Lucy. ‘Park at Heathrow, get a flight to New York, and I’ll get a train back to Croydon.’
‘You sure? I can drop you there, then fly from Gatwick.’
‘I’m sure.’
‘OK.’ He leaned over to kiss her cheek, then pulled her into a tight hug. ‘You are the most incredible woman, Lucy Glover,’ he whispered. ‘Don’t settle for anything less than the love of your life.’
‘Thank you,’ said Lucy, blinking back more tears. ‘But only if you promise me the same.’
‘I promise,’ said Kristoff. ‘Let’s check in a couple of times a year, see how we’re doing.’
‘I’d like that,’ said Lucy, blowing her nose on the tissue.
Kristoff pulled back onto the main road, taking the turning at the traffic lights through the tunnel towards Terminal 5.
Her mind reeled with what had just happened, a mix of relief and fear and confusion and nausea.
Kristoff’s hands were steady on the wheel, and she reminded herself that he was the kind of man who would bounce back in no time, because Kristoff’s life had no jagged edges.
He’d walk her to the Terminal 5 Tube station, then call his Executive Assistant to ask her to book him on the first flight to New York.
Andy would collect his car later, and a line would be drawn under Kristoff and Lucy with minimal mess and drama.
By the weekend he’d already be open to dating offers, because in Kristoff’s world you didn’t waste time dwelling on the past. You looked up, and you looked forward.
What do I do now? thought Lucy. The short-term answer to that was easy, involving a series of trains to Purley before her mother’s dinner was physically ruined, rather than just emotionally spoiled by the breaking news that Kristoff Berg was never going to be their millionaire son-in-law.
Lucy would rather have her teeth pulled than face that conversation, but it had to be done.
The world beyond that, however, felt like an abyss of uncertainty; the kind of discomfort zone that Lucy had been avoiding for over a decade.
She had no idea where it might end, or whether Nate was anywhere on that journey.
But the decision had been made, and she had no choice but to face it.
She swallowed hard and tilted her chin, trying to quell the butterflies in her stomach.
Look up, Lucy, she told herself, taking strength from Kristoff before he was gone for good. Look up, and look forward.