Chapter 11
Eleven
Julie
I hadn’t been calm in days, and I felt like I was going to go out of my mind any minute from the anxiety threatening to boil over.
The worst of the storm had happened, but it would still be days before they got anyone out to clear the roads, which sucked because I really needed to get out of the house and get some fresh air.
Daisy sat at the table, finishing her breakfast, while Gage leaned against the island and drank his coffee as he studied me.
“Stop it,” I hissed as I walked past him and opened the fridge.
I wasn’t hungry but needed something to distract me. I looked around, trying to force myself to think about what I wanted to make for dinner. But the thought of food made my already upset stomach more queasy, so I closed the door and leaned against it.
“Mama, are we going to decorate for Christmas?” Daisy asked, pulling my head out of the intrusive thoughts I was having and making my heart sink.
I had been so consumed by everything with Joel that I had completely forgotten about Christmas.
My eyes welled with tears as I stumbled for the right words to say, because how do you break a five-year-old’s heart by telling them that you don’t have anything to decorate with?
I hadn’t even had a chance to do any shopping, which meant that we didn’t have gifts to exchange, nor did I have anything for Santa to leave for her.
Fuck. I was a terrible mother and was going to ruin Christmas for her.
“I was actually going to talk to you girls this morning to see if you wouldn’t mind helping me decorate the house,” Gage said, his smile sending calming energy through the room as it washed over me. “My grandmother loved decorating, so we have a ton of stuff.”
“Can we help him?” Daisy asked, looking at me with the biggest smile and eyes filled with hope.
“Of course, my love. I think that would be so much fun!”
“Yay! I’m all done with breakfast. Can we start now?”
“Ummm...” I hesitated, not sure how to respond.
“I need to grab the stuff from the garage, but while I do that, why don’t we put some Christmas music on?” Gage said, setting his coffee down on the island and walking with Daisy into the living room.
I stood there trying to pull myself together as I watched him pull Spotify up on the TV and search for Christmas music.
Once it started playing, Daisy grinned as she danced around Duke, who didn’t seem bothered in the least. She picked up the stuffed unicorn and held it with her as she danced in circles, having the time of her life.
Gage walked over, smiling at her over his shoulder as he stepped into the kitchen and pinned me against the fridge. His hand rested on my hip as his other hand gently brushed against my cheek with a tenderness that made my heart ache.
“You’re not a terrible mom,” he said so matter-of-factly that it felt like my heart was going to crack inside of my ribs and shatter with everything else.
“How do you do that?” I asked with a heavy sigh, letting my shoulders fall.
“Do what?”
“Get inside of my head and know exactly what I’m thinking and feeling.”
“I just know you, Julie. I have for a while now. You can’t blame yourself for things that have been out of your control. Keeping you guys safe has been the most important thing, so give yourself some grace that you don’t have stuff ready for Christmas. We will figure it out together.”
“But I don’t even have a single gift,” I said, lowering my face as I tried to hide the tears that threatened to spill over.
“Julie, we will figure it out together,” he repeated more firmly as he gave my side a gentle squeeze and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “There are pastries on the counter. Eat something and have some coffee so we can get started with all of the fun we’re going to have with decorating the house!”
His voice got purposely louder as he grinned at Daisy, who was now holding the unicorn, pointing it at us as she swayed with the music. Her face was so incredibly beautiful, but it was the smile that radiated pure happiness that made my heart swell. Maybe I wasn’t doing everything wrong after all.