Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
Khesan
I am horrified to find Fiona and Shathar in Fiona’s bed together. The blankets have been pulled back, revealing they are nearly naked.
This can’t be. Has Shathar copulated with her already? My fury grows, imagining his cock inside her while I am asleep in my bed, nursing my bruised leg.
“Khesan!” Fiona sits up, her eyes wide. “Well, we… um… we’re…”
“It’s none of your concern,” Shathar says. His whole body is bare, and my eyes follow the sharp line of his muscle down to his hips, where his cock lies at half-mast.
Oh. And it is large.
“It is my concern!” I round on him. “Fiona is my mate, and—”
“As she is mine.” Shathar gets out of the bed, rising to his full height. Though he is shorter than I am, he looks almost… dangerous. “You have no right to come in here.”
My mouth bobs open to retort, but I don’t know what to say. He is her mate. It’s natural that he would want to be intimate with her. And yet, knowing they are in here doing it without me fills me with rage.
Curling my hands into fists, I try to keep myself in check. It will do me no good in Fiona’s eyes to punch Shathar in the face.
“He’s right,” says Fiona bitterly. “I didn’t invite you in, Khesan. What I do in my bedroom is my business and mine only.”
It feels like a dagger in my chest. I back away to the door, the hurt and the anger warring with one another.
She doesn’t want me here. Of course she doesn’t. But I simply couldn’t control myself when I heard Shathar moan that way.
“I’m sorry.” It hurts even more to say it, because I am not very sorry. “I just… I cannot…” My eyes squeeze closed because I feel as if I might simply explode. “I can’t do this.”
The words are painful, but it’s true. I can’t live my life wondering what Fiona and Shathar are doing behind a closed door while I am alone in my room.
“What do you mean?” asks Fiona, worry in her voice. The sight of her in only her bra and underwear is arresting, so I try to focus on her face.
I wish I knew what I meant, too. But I can’t think straight.
“I don’t know.” I turn my head, wishing I could expel all the emotion boiling up inside me. “But it is too painful.”
Fiona, too, gets out of the bed and approaches me. For a moment, Shathar looks like he may get between us, until he looks at my face. Then he steps aside.
My beloved mate holds her hand up to my cheek.
“I’m sorry it hurts you, Khesan,” she says in a quiet, soothing voice. “But I want to explore this, with both of you. If it is too much for you, then perhaps…” She trails off, lowering her head. “Perhaps it will not work between us.”
The words hit me with blunt force. I turn away from them, unable to control myself any longer. I thought my military training had taught me better than this, but it’s too much. I storm out and down to my own room, then slam the door closed. I’m panting as panic races through me.
Perhaps she is right. But how could I possibly give her up, when she means everything to me? When my whole life led to this, to finding her, to being with her?
I slide down the door until I am sitting on the floor, shaking all over.
Surely there is some solution. Surely this can’t be the end. I couldn’t stand living the rest of my life knowing I gave her up.
Eventually, I drag myself off the floor and get into my bed, though sleep never comes for me.
The next morning, I am loath to go downstairs and confront Fiona and Shathar again. But eventually I have to eat, so I make my way down into the kitchen. Luckily, no one is around. Fiona must have gone to her office to work, and who knows where Shathar is.
I make myself breakfast robotically, then drink some cold coffee. The beverage has grown on me. After a time, I hear the door to the basement open. Shathar steps out, and I wish I could simply evaporate. I don’t want to speak to him again.
He must feel so victorious.
When he comes into the kitchen and sees me, he freezes. We stare at one another, though I can’t read his expression. Eventually, I turn away and lower my fans, knowing that he has won.
“Khesan.”
I’m surprised to hear him say my name. His feet move across the floor until he sits down in the seat across from me.
“What do you want?” I ask, looking down into my coffee.
“I want to speak to you about last night.”
“There’s nothing to talk about!” I slam a fist into the table, rattling it. “I have lost, and I accept that.”
Though I don’t. Not really. But I have no choice, because Fiona is right. It is unreasonable of me to demand she never be alone with Shathar, not when she has a mate bond with him, too.
“Ashango,” he says in a calm, soft voice. My head jerks up. This is a word that we reserve for very few on Arshur, typically only a close friend. “You should stay.”
“Why?” I demand. “I would rather spend my life alone than listen to what I listened to last night. To hear moans from behind a closed door.”
Shathar furrows his brow. “I don’t want to win this way. It’s not fair.”
I snort. “There is no fair. None of this has been fair. The gods were not fair in bringing me here, or scenting Fiona.”
His eyes search mine, and I don’t like how it feels like they are seeing inside me.
“I have thought at length,” he begins, “and I would have responded much the same way had I experienced what you experienced. I can’t blame you for it.”
I think this is supposed to help, but it doesn’t.
“I have a proposal,” he continues. “But we should discuss it with Fiona.”
Proposal? I can’t imagine he has an idea that will solve this problem. So I wave him off and get to my feet.
“I am going to go pack. My time here has ended.”
Shathar watches me with a furrow in his brow as I get up out of my chair and leave the kitchen, heading up the stairs.
I’ve made my decision. If I tell myself that it’s for Fiona’s sake, for the happiness of my mate, perhaps I can move on. Though I know I never will.
I stay in my room all day, packing up each item I brought with me until my bags are full and my room is empty. Then I fall back on the bed, wishing this stupid planet would swallow me whole.
In the evening, there comes a knock at my door. I hear Fiona’s voice.
“Khesan?”
I don’t move or speak. I can’t trust myself.
Eventually, the knob turns and the door opens, and Fiona lets herself inside. Her eyes are red, as if she has been crying. I sit up quickly, distressed.
“Are you all right?” I ask, wondering if Shathar has hurt her in some way.
“No.” She seats herself on the edge of my bed. “I’m not. You want to leave.”
I nod slowly, rising to a sitting position. I can’t say the words aloud.
Tears pool in her eyes, and now I know why they are red. A few trickle out, sliding down her cheeks.
“Really?” she asks, hoarse. “But…”
I merely shake my head. “There is no other answer.”
“There must be!” Fiona is crying now. “I don’t want to say goodbye to you, Khesan!”
“But it will make your life easier.” I try to smile. “Now you will not have to choose.”
Her tears only run faster, and her voice cracks as she says, “Nothing will be easier if you leave. I’ll always wonder about you. I’ll always regret saying goodbye.” She bows her head. “But… I also understand.”
I put a hand on her shoulder to reassure her, when I hear Shathar’s voice.
“So, are either of you ready to hear my idea?”
He stands in the doorway, arms crossed.
I sigh. “Sure.”
“The problem is that Fiona and I were alone together, is it not?” he asks.
I nod. “Wondering what is happening behind a closed door… that I can’t stand.”
“Then I suggest that we not be alone.”
I tilt my head at him. “Clarify.”
“Would it set your mind at ease if you knew? If you saw what was happening, instead of wondering?”
Fiona sits up abruptly. “You mean… both of you in the room?” Her face turns even redder. “Like, watching?”
Shathar nods, and my breath stops in my throat.
It is an absolutely ludicrous suggestion. And yet, imagining that… my mind quiets. I would have to see them being intimate together, which would hurt—but it would hurt far less than being left out.
“Think about it,” Shathar says. He steps out of the room and disappears down the hall.
When Fiona turns to me again, her mouth is hanging open. Then she shakes her head as if dispelling a daze.
“Do you think that would work?” she asks.
Slowly, I raise a hand to her face and brush my thumb over her cheek. “It might. I won’t know until… until we try it, I suppose.”
A big smile takes over her face. She throws herself at me, curling her arms around my neck, and I gasp a little at the force behind it.
“Please don’t go,” she whispers, hugging me tighter. “Please.”
With a resigned sigh, I hug her back. “The last thing I want is to leave you. So I will attempt this—for you.”
She sniffles against me. “Thank you.”
I hold her closer, hoping that this is the solution.