Chapter 15
15
London was such a crazy, intense whirl of noise and lights after the peace of the French countryside that Josie’s head throbbed when she finally made it home to Greenwich.
Walking into her apartment was like stepping back into the past. The air was stale and fusty from being sealed inside for the last couple of weeks and the atmosphere was cold and soulless compared to the warm comfort of the farmhouse.
She spent a while wandering around it in a spaced-out state, mentally changing the furniture and the decor so it would feel more homely. She needed to put some pictures on the walls and introduce a bit of colour to the place. Focusing on something simple like that helped distract her racing thoughts from what she’d left behind in France, at least in the short term.
It occurred to her that she spent so little time at home, her surroundings had never really intruded on her consciousness before. They were just the background to her life. Now they seemed more important than that. She needed to be reflected in her own home. There was nothing there at the moment that was intrinsically ‘her’. The place had no personality.
Was that what had happened to her? she wondered with a shock. Was she actually as bland as her apartment? The thought terrified her. Perhaps that was why Connor had seemed so comfortable with letting her go. She’d just been a warm body in the right place at the right time for him.
The muscles in her throat squeezed so hard, as she tried to stop the tears, it actually hurt. Flopping down onto the sofa, she put her head in her hands and tried to will her locked jaw to relax.
At least that proved she’d been right to go. She couldn’t allow herself to care about someone who treated her with such easy indifference.
Pulling her knees up to her chin, she wrapped her arms around her legs, curling herself into a tight ball. She shouldn’t have let herself get sucked into the excitement of a crazy fling, she knew that now, but it had been like a dream. It was as if someone else had taken her over, making her do things she would never usually do.
Worst. Mistake. Ever.
But she was damned if she was going to regret it. It had happened and it was best to fold it away into the cupboard of her mind and move on.
The most frustrating thing was that she was in much better shape to make a relationship work now she’d made some life-changing decisions about how to fix what had gone wrong before. She’d been floundering before she’d met Connor, focusing on the wrong things entirely and missing out on the simple joys of life – like laughing and cooking and playing and having spectacular sex. He’d brought the happiness back into her life for a few tantalising days, then shut the door in her face.
Suddenly the thought of forgetting Connor was too much to deal with, so she got up and distracted herself by playing her piano, hammering away on the keys with her headphones plugged into the keyboard so as not to disturb the neighbours, until all the passion and angst drained out of her.
* * *
The following morning Josie woke up groggy from too little sleep. Her head had spun with thoughts of Connor and what might have been until the early hours, making her twitchy and tense, until she’d finally dropped off into a troubled sleep just as the sun made an appearance through the chink in her curtains.
Dragging herself out of bed, she had a speedy shower and dressed in one of her work suits.
Shrugging on her jacket, she took one last fleeting look in the mirror.
Not good.
Her eyes were puffy, as if she hadn’t slept for a week, and her skin looked sallow beneath her tan.
So this is what unhappiness looks like.
* * *
There was a subdued atmosphere hanging amongst the smattering of colleagues who were already diligently working away at their desks when she arrived at work.
A few people glanced up as she passed them, the expressions on their faces ranging from wary to downright hostile. Jeez, she had a lot of making up to do here.
Abigail was already sitting at her desk, madly typing away on her computer. Josie couldn’t help but marvel at how different she was from her brother. Abi only came up to her chin when standing, making her just over five-foot tall, and her dark hair and eyes were in total contrast to Connor’s blond, blue-eyed appeal. There was a trace of family resemblance around their eyes, though, and as Abigail looked up and smiled at her, Josie felt a pang of horror as she recognised Connor’s grin.
She hadn’t bargained on feeling like this around Abi. She’d been so focused on getting back to work it hadn’t occurred to her how she’d deal with being around Connor’s sister. She would have a daily reminder of him now.
Her discomfort must have shown in her face, because Abigail frowned.
‘God, Josie, you look terrible. I thought a holiday would have done you some good, not made you more tired.’
‘I just didn’t sleep well last night, that’s all.’ She brushed off Abi’s concern, desperate to focus on what needed to be said here and to forget all about the reason for her restless night.
Abi continued to look at her for a moment, before gesturing for her to sit down on the leather sofa in the corner with her. ‘You want some coffee? You look like you could do with some.’
‘No, I’m okay, thanks.’
‘Did you actually manage to get some rest while you were away?’
Judging by Abi’s expression, she clearly thought Josie had been working and angsting about the business the whole time she was in France. Going by her rough appearance that morning, it was a reasonable assessment.
‘I did. After the first couple of days I didn’t do any work at all.’
At least she didn’t have to lie about that. Unfortunately, the memories of what she had done threatened to trounce her composure before she’d had a chance to apologise for her crazy behaviour.
Abi raised her eyebrows but didn’t say anything.
Sitting up straighter, Josie folded her hands in her lap, her heart thumping in her chest. Apologising to Abi was going to be more nerve-wracking than she’d anticipated. Her palms were sweaty as she primed herself to say the words she needed to get out, pushing any qualms out of her mind.
‘I’m so sorry for all the problems I’ve caused recently. I’ve been selfish, expecting everyone to fall in line with what I want and losing my temper when they didn’t. So childish.’ She shook her head and gave Abi a sheepish look.
The relief on Abi’s face provided the first shot of happiness she’d experienced since leaving the farmhouse.
‘I’ve been working too much, and it’s affected my judgment,’ Josie said, leaning forward in her seat, ‘But my head’s on straight now and I’m ready to get back to it without losing my temper – or my mind – again.’
‘That’s great to hear.’
‘And I’m going to apologise to the rest of the staff in a minute. I want them to feel they can approach me with any problems and that I won’t bite off their heads and spit them out.’
Abi chuckled. ‘You can be a bit fierce sometimes.’
Josie sighed. ‘Yeah.’ She squirmed inside as she remembered how stern she’d been with Connor when he’d first shown up. And how little it had affected him.
‘Well, I’m glad a holiday helped.’
Before she could check herself, Josie blurted, ‘I met Connor at the farmhouse.’
Abigail became very still.
‘He arrived a few days into my holiday and needed somewhere to stay.’
Abi turned to look at her, her dark eyes roving Josie’s face. ‘I’m sorry. His lawyers said he was in South America.’ Her voice wobbled a little and her eyes flicked down to her lap. ‘How is he?’
Josie regretted her insensitivity. The mention of Connor’s name clearly had Abi rattled.
‘He’s fine,’ she said, careful to keep any emotion out of her voice.
Stubborn and emotionally stunted, but physically fine was what she really wanted to say. In fact, he was more than fine. Her skin warmed at the memory of his strong body holding her close. A blush crept up her neck and she willed it not to reach her face and give her away.
‘What happened? Did he let you stay?’ Abi asked, obviously fighting to keep her cool in the face of the unexpected bombshell.
‘Yeah, after a bit of negotiation. He’s a tough cookie, your brother.’
‘Tell me about it.’ The pain in Abi’s eyes confirmed exactly how she felt about him. ‘Did he… say anything about me?’
‘Uh…’ she began tentatively.
Should she really be telling Abi this? No was the honest answer, but she wanted to hear Abigail’s side of it. To make sense of it all. She had to know the other side of the story or it would eat away at her for ever.
‘He did tell me a bit about the rift between you both.’
Abigail looked at her sharply. ‘What did he say?’
‘Well, he was cagey about it, but he insinuated that you went back on your word to you grandma and gave your inheritance to your parents, then threatened that if he didn’t do the same, he’d never be welcome in the family again.’ She kept her voice light, as if suggesting she didn’t believe a word of it.
She so wanted to know that it hadn’t happened like that. She needed to hear something negative about Connor to give her a reason to believe he wasn’t as perfect as he seemed. A way to ease the torment of missing him.
Abigail sighed and dropped her head into her hands, rubbing them across her face. Finally lifting her head, she looked Josie full in the face, her eyes filled with pain. ‘All totally true, I’m afraid.’
Josie was floored. She’d never expected Abigail just to own up to it in such a straightforward manner. Surely there had to be more to it than that? She waited for her friend to continue, her fingers tapping nervously on her legs.
Abi took a deep breath before answering. ‘I was really jealous of his relationship with our grandmother. They got on so well and I always felt left out.’
She looked away, her gaze skirting around the room, finally returning to a spot on the floor in front of her.
‘I was really unhappy as a child. Our parents didn’t give us much attention and I took out my anger on the people closest to me: Connor and my grandma.’ She rubbed a hand across her forehead. ‘I used to try to get Connor into trouble all the time – just for some attention, I guess – and he hated me for it. Anyway, when our grandma died, she left us her inheritance – gave most of it to Connor and a small amount to me. It nearly destroyed me at the time. It was proof that she loved Connor more than me and I didn’t know how to handle that feeling.’
Her voice broke on the last word, and she paused for a few seconds to regain her poise.
Josie put a reassuring hand on her arm, her heart sinking with wretchedness for her friend.
‘Then the opportunity to help our parents came up,’ Abigail continued when she’d steadied herself. ‘They needed a huge cash injection to keep their business alive and suddenly I was of interest to them. I felt wanted – needed – for the first time in my life. I’m ashamed to say I gave in straight away and promised them the money. I was still furious with Connor and I tried blackmailing him into giving up his share too. He refused, and I helped my parents kick him out of the family.’
Her eyes filled with tears.
‘I’m not proud of what I did. I wish I could take it back and make everything right with us again. But he’s not interested in talking to me any more. I’ve tried so many times over the years to get him to speak to me I’ve lost count. But I can’t really blame him for not wanting anything to do with me.’ She brushed a tear angrily away from her face. ‘Connor always handled things so much better than me. I was a mess. Still am, really.’ She smiled sadly through her tears.
He was a handler, Josie realised. Clearly, he’d been doing it all his life, and the thought of allowing someone else to dictate how he felt or reacted or suffered was too much for him. It was safer and easier to be alone, with only himself to manage. She could comprehend that. Not that it meant losing him hurt any less, but it helped her to be able to understand why she couldn’t have him. It wasn’t a failure in her; it was an inability to trust in him.
At least that was what she was choosing to believe.
Poor Abi. She knew exactly what it was like to be on the receiving end of Connor’s disdain, and it wasn’t fun.
Putting out a hand, she rubbed her friend’s arm gently, hoping in some way to show her she still loved her and she understood. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘What for?’
‘For bringing it up.’
Abi gave her head a small shake and seemed to pull herself together. She let out a long sigh and smoothed her hands down her skirt, composing herself.
‘It’s okay. Just something I have to live with.’
Josie’s frustration levels slammed into the red. It was absolutely gutting to see the two of them divided over something that had happened so long ago.
‘So, Josie, what exactly are you going to do to get the staff back on your side?’ Abi asked, breaking into her thoughts and lightening the sombre atmosphere with a hopeful smile.
‘I’m going to start by grovelling,’ Josie said, standing up and taking a breath, determined to make something right. The only thing within her control.
Striding to the other end of the room, where she’d left her bag and a box that she’d brought from the bakers that morning, she pulled out a chair and stepped up onto it, turning to face the now full room.
Clearing her throat loudly, she waited until she had the full attention of the staff before beginning her apology, her hands sweaty and shaking at her sides.
‘I just wanted you all to know how sorry I am for being such a bitch recently.’ There was a low murmur of whispers, but she chose to ignore them and plough on before she lost her nerve. ‘I’m going to try really hard from now on to be more patient and hopefully more approachable. If not, you have permission to kick my butt. Hard.’
There were a few giggles at this, and she took heart at the friendly response.
‘I know it’s not much, but I’ve brought in a cake for you all to share as a token of my appreciation for all the hard work you’ve put in recently.’
She reached down to the table next to her and lifted the cake she’d picked up that morning, which had the word ‘Sorry’ iced on it in large letters.
‘I’m going to skulk away now, and leave you all to it, but I’ll see you tomorrow,’ she said, stepping down from the chair and turning to give Abi a smile. Her friend smiled back and gave her a silent clap, nodding her head in appreciation.
She was under no illusion that she was going to be totally forgiven right away, but it was a start.
* * *
Josie felt drained for the rest of the day. She paced aimlessly around London, barely taking in her surroundings.
The South Bank hummed with life as she wandered past bars filled with people out enjoying a drink in the sunshine. Their chatter and laughter rang out across the water, mixing with the hypnotic sound of the tide lapping against the shore. Josie imagined she was floating above it all, in some kind of dispossessed state. Disconnected.
The sun penetrated her clothes and warmed her skin. Vitamin D. Good for her happiness levels. Her stomach plunged as Connor’s words filtered through her mind.
How was it possible to ache for someone so much?
Being with him had made her question exactly what she wanted from life. He’d drawn back the veil to show her how much fun she was missing, leaving an aching sadness in her belly for all the wasted opportunities, all the friends she’d let fall by the wayside. She was proud of what she’d helped achieve with the business but, like any addiction, she’d let it overtake her life to the point where it had become unhealthy.
Cold turkey with a side order of Connor had been a roaring success.
Connor. She’d got over her crazy workaholic attitude. Now she just needed to get over him, too.
The hopelessness of the situation came back to haunt her every so often, and she had to duck into a shop or gallery in order to give her brain something else to focus on. There was a constant tight feeling in her throat and her stomach churned, so she didn’t even bother to try and eat anything.
She knew what she needed to do. She needed to arrange some counselling to work through her anger issues, stop living in Maddie’s shadow and be her own person – take responsibility for her actions. Make the effort to start seeing friends again, cut back on the amount she was working and get her bloody life back.
Meet someone new, perhaps?
Sadness crushed her at the thought. She didn’t want anyone else. Connor was so right for her in a lot of ways.
But he didn’t want her. Not for a proper relationship anyway. He’d made that very plain.
* * *
Connor had been sure he’d be able to banish the thought of Josie and leave France with a clean conscience.
But he couldn’t.
He’d thought he’d be pleased to be on the move again. But he wasn’t.
There hadn’t been a day in the last week when he hadn’t thought about her, and it was becoming a problem. He was having trouble sleeping, which was really unusual for him. When he did sleep, he dreamt about Josie, and when he woke to find he wasn’t holding her, he felt as if someone had punched him in the gut.
He’d gone out every evening to sit by himself, nursing a beer and thinking, thinking, thinking.
A couple of brave and not unattractive women had approached him in the bars as he’d sat staring into his drinks and he’d talked to them, willing his recalcitrant brain to give them the opportunity to impress him, but he’d found them puerile and dull compared to Josie’s exhilarating company.
She was one of a kind, that woman, and he’d let her slip through his fingers.
After his family’s dismissal of him he’d spent so long on his own he’d forgotten how to care about someone else. Josie had reminded him of how good it could feel. The problem was, she’d also highlighted how terrifying it was to trust someone with his affections again. Hence that panic attack.
He’d been searching for unconditional love from his partners – something he’d been missing since he’d lost his grandmother – but he had no right to expect that. He needed to earn it.
It occurred to him that he’d used his family’s lack of interest in him over their business as a convenient excuse when he’d wanted to end a relationship, because Josie’s passion about her career, her drive and determination, were the things that he valued most about her.
He spent his days in a sleep-deprived daze and started making mistakes with the project, which he couldn’t afford to do.
He missed her. He missed her smile; he missed her energy and her passion. He missed the way she played music on her legs as if they were a piano, and the way she looked at him with those beautiful, intelligent eyes.
He’d told himself to forget her when she’d left him in France, that there was no point pursuing anything with her. The whole gamut of arguments had run through his head. She was too wrapped up in her career to be worth the effort. He wanted her, but he didn’t want it to turn into anything too serious. It wasn’t fair on either of them. She was too work-focused. He was too transient. It would never work. He’d be an idiot to open the whole thing up again.
None of those arguments seemed to work. She was still all he could think about.
It was going to take a lot more than he’d first thought to get Josie Marchpane out of his head. She’d somehow instilled herself into his psyche and no matter what he thought about, she wouldn’t goddamn go away.
Perhaps he’d finally found a reason to stop leaving? Was Josie going to be the one who helped him find the peace he’d been craving for so long? Could he allow himself to trust that they had a future? Could she be the one to keep him grounded? There was a good chance that he could answer yes to all those questions.
Without the distraction of Josie’s dynamic presence it had all come rushing in on him. The emptiness. The total singleness of his existence. She’d opened Pandora’s Box in his mind and all the angst and pain had come rushing out.
Before meeting Josie he’d been fine, hopping from girlfriend to girlfriend over the years, never getting too involved, never giving too much of himself. That had been why Katherine had riled him so much – she’d been more demanding than the rest and he’d found himself plagued by her to the point of being stalked. Poor Katherine. He knew what it felt like now to want someone so much you were willing to make a fool of yourself for them.
It was time to stop running. To turn around, face his fears in an open and honest way and trust they wouldn’t knock him on his ass.