25. Sonny
Sonny
If you love something, set it free.
That proverb feels the most relevant on days like today. Days where I share a little piece of me with the world. Today it’s this listening party followed by a midnight release of one song. A single, whose purpose is to build buzz and hype surrounding the upcoming album.
We’ve been teasing it for weeks, releasing snippets, sharing parts of my studio sessions, all of the things, and the reception has been generally good. That early positive reception doesn’t dull the doubt that tries to sneak in and tell me that this release will be a failure, that I’m a failure.
The ability to release music that I actually enjoy creating and is a greater representation of who I am is an amazing privilege that I don’t take for granted.
I made these songs for me, more so than I have anything else that I have ever released.
Yet I would be lying if I said that I didn’t want others to enjoy it too, that I don’t pray for success to drown out the noise that my brain tries to make me believe is fact. For that, only time will tell.
From the very beginning, the mood that I wanted this album to exude has been connection.
Not only do I want my fans to feel more connected to me, the real me, but I also wanted to feel more connected to them.
One of the best ways I could think of to attain the latter was through events with smaller crowds.
That desire spawned the idea of pop up listening parties. Spontaneous, low cost events across the country to share some of the songs from the album and some that didn’t make the final cut.
“I thought I might find you out here.”
I smile at the sound of her voice. I don’t open my eyes until I hear her footsteps stop, coming to stand right beside me. Finally I open my eyes and look over at Laila. Amusement shines in her deep brown irises, a smirk on her lips.
“I’m that predictable huh?”
“Maybe just a little.”
Laila pushes up on her toes to give me a kiss. She intends for it to be a peck, a soft press of her lips to mine, but when she pulls away I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her back to me. I place another kiss to her lips,and slide my hand down to squeeze her ass.
“Are you nervous?” Laila asks.
“A little bit,” I reply honestly. “I’m not usually but this feels so-”
“Vulnerable?” Laila says, filling in the word for me.
I nod. “Yeah. It’s a lot easier to not be worried when you’re singing about shit that doesn’t matter. If people didn’t like it, it wasn’t a big deal, but this is sharing a piece of me and I want it to be received well.”
“It will.”
She says it definitively, leaving no room for the doubt I’ve previously allowed to weasel its way in.
“Thank you.”
“OH MY GOD, SONNY!”
A shrill woman’s voice startles us both. I use my left arm to maneuver Laila behind me, putting her between me and the wall of the building and shielding her from the woman that’s approaching us.
I look past her to see where she could have possibly come from when this area was supposed to be blocked off and secure. I don’t see anything off putting and it seems like she’s the only one who’s found her way back here.
“I’m Carly and I absolutely LOVE you and your music. I can’t believe I’m actually seeing you in person!”
“Are you here for the event?” I ask, still trying to figure out where she came from.
“I wish,” the woman says, sticking her bottom lip out in a pout. “I tried to get a ticket but they sold out so fast.”
“Yeah, it surprised us all. We’ll be doing more events in the future though-, so maybe you’ll be able to come to the next one.”
“Yeah, but you probably have at least one extra ticket right?”
The woman tucks a piece of her light brown hair behind her ear and bats her blue eyes, probably thinking that will help her get what she’s seeking.
I shake my head. “I’m not in charge of the tickets and unfortunately we’re all sold out.”
“Yes, but they work for you. I’m sure they could find one more ticket if you asked them to.”
“It doesn’t really work like that-, but if I could I would,” I lie, hoping that she’ll take no for an answer.
I don’t want this situation to escalate, especially not with Laila here. I try to keep my voice light while I talk to her, hoping that if I stay cordial she’ll leave quickly.
“Well, can I have a picture then at least?” the girl asks, preparing to raise her phone to take a selfie.
I clench my teeth. I was hoping that she wouldn’t ask for that, knowing that my denial of her request could lead to this situation becoming unpleasant.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m not taking pictures right now.”
The girl frowns. “It’s just one quick picture and you won’t even give me that.”
Early on in my career I set the boundary that I wouldn’t take pictures with people who saw me while I was just out and about in public. At an event or during a meet and greet, absolutely, but anything outside of that, no.
I wanted to establish some separation between me and my fans for both my safety and as a form of respect to me as a human and not just an entertainer. Since I set the precedent early, I rarely get approached for photos.
“I’m sorry,” I repeat.
“Yo Sonny -”
Xavier steps out from the building, the rest of his sentence left unfinished. He takes a second to assess the scene between me and the woman before he steps in to put an end to it.
“You aren’t supposed to be here ma’am,” Xavier says, stepping towards the woman. “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
“What? No!” the woman shouts. “Sonny was going to get me a ticket to the show tonight. I’m his biggest fan!”
“No he’s not,” Xavier says.
“This is how you treat your supporters?” the woman yells as Xavier takes her arm and starts leading her away. Once they’re no longer close I turn to Laila.
“Hey, are you okay?”
She nods, but I can tell that interaction made her uncomfortable, her body tense and eyes focused on the direction that Xavier and the woman went.
“Let’s go back inside,” I say.
I take her hand in mine, walking to the door and pulling it open for her to enter first. We make our way to the dressing room and Xavier is already standing there. Laila goes in and I stop in the doorway.
“Everything handled?” I ask.
“I handed her off to one of the other guys. She’s off the premises and they’re doing another walk around to make sure no one else can get through.”
“Thank you,” I say and start to walk into the room when Xavier puts a hand out to stop me.
“You want to tell me why you were out there without eyes?” Xavier asks.
“I just needed a minute.”
Xavier shakes his head. “Doesn’t work that way, boss.”
“I know, my fault.”
More security was hired for this event, new guys who I hadn’t worked with before.
Xavier had been talking to some of the other security guards when I slipped away.
One of the guys had started to follow me outside but I waved him off, just wanting a minute alone.
Xavier would’ve never listened to that command-, but this guy obeyed my request without any protest.
“It won’t happen again. You need security with you whether you want it or not,” Xavier says, his voice stern. “Your safety isn’t something we can play with. I’m not gonna be the one that has to tell your OG that something happened to her son on my watch.”
***
There’s an excited, anticipatory energy in the room, even with only a little over a hundred people in attendance.
The lights are turned down low to create a calm, comfortable environment.
The first thing that I notice is that I can see the crowd, like really see them and their details.
They aren’t just blobs of light that all mesh together like how it is when you perform on a larger scale.
Rows of chairs are lined up in a half circle around where I’m standing. Every seat filled and all eyes on me as I bring the mic in my hand to my mouth and begin to speak.
“I just want to start out by saying thank you to all of you for coming out tonight.”
The room erupts into cheers and claps and I pause, smiling, taking it all in.
When the room quiets, I continue. “I feel so very blessed to be able to have this experience with y’all. Without you I wouldn’t be able to do what I love. I’m eternally grateful for all the support I’ve been shown over the years and that you took time out of your day to be here tonight.”
“Almost four years ago, I met someone and one of the first things they said to me was that I was an asshole.”
Snickers erupt through the room.
“Y’all think it’s funny but I’m being for real,” I say, chuckling myself. “But she was right, I was an asshole. I had strayed so far from the man I wanted to be, too caught up in trying to reach the highest highs that I lost myself in the process.”
The crowd hums, nods and murmurs of understanding flow through the space. I look around, taking everyone in but also scanning, searching for a set of deep brown eyes that I have become intimately familiar with. The beautiful woman that turned my world upside down in the best way possible.
She’s in the very back of the room standing near the mixing booth with Morgan.
I’m sure the choice is meant to make her inconspicuous and for the other people in the room, it probably is.
For me, Laila is a light that can never be dimmed or hidden.
She may not want the attention of everyone else in the room, but she’ll always have mine.
I tear my gaze away from her and engage back with the crowd as I walk back and forth in the small space, continuing to talk.
“That conversation was the wake up call that I needed.. These songs are heartfelt and real and -” I pause, glancing around the room. “Vulnerable. I hope you enjoy. Thank you.”
***
My phone is flooded with notifications. An overwhelming amount of missed calls and texts from friends and family. Two notifications catch my attention immediately, three back to back calls from Morgan followed by a text message.
Morgan
Call me back asap.
I ignore the rest of the notifications, tapping on the missed call from Morgan to call her back.
“Have you been on social media yet?” Morgan asks when the call connects.
I furrow my brows in confusion. “Nah, not yet I just woke up. I saw your message and called you. Why? Is the song performing badly?”
“No, it’s not that.”
I can tell simply from the tone of Morgan’s voice that something is wrong.
“Then what is it?”
“Someone posted photos of you and Laila together from last night along with a bunch of unkind things to say about the both of you.”
My stomach drops at her words. “Fuck.”
“I need you to stay off social media for right now. I’ve already scheduled a meeting with the rest of the team to figure out the best way to address this.”
“I need to see the photo.”
“Sonny, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Seeing the photos won’t change anything and we need to focus on establishing a game plan right now.”
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve gone against Morgan’s advice during the time that we’ve worked together. It’s her job to manage me and she does it well. But this, this I can’t agree to.
“I respect your opinion a lot, you know that, but this is about Laila. I can’t be in the dark on this.”
Morgan lets out a deep sigh. “You really aren’t going to let this go are you?”
“No. I’m not.”
There’s a long pause of silence before she speaks again. “Fine. I just sent it to you.”
I pull the phone away from my ear and open the message Morgan just sent me.
The photos are grainy, clearly taken from a good distance away but zoomed in. The first is just me standing outside with my eyes closed and the rest are from after Laila came outside with me.
For the most part, in the photos Laila is covered. My body shields hers from the camera so only a small fraction of her side profile is visible. Until the last one.
It was taken right after we broke apart from our kiss, my hand still on her ass. Even through the pixelation, Laila’s entire face is on display.
“I gotta go.”
“Sonny I know this isn’t what either of you wanted-, but we need to talk with the rest of the team and-”
“And I will, but I need to talk to Laila first. I told her this wouldn’t happen and here it is. I have to talk to her.”
Before Morgan can even respond I end the call, navigating to Laila’s contact and pressing the button to initiate a FaceTime. The call rings and rings but she never answers.