Chapter 56 Komal
AUGUSTIN NODS. “VERY WELL.”
“Yes.”
“Yes.”
“Good. In fact,” I suck in a deep breath. “You might not see me around Argleton as much anymore. Now that I know I’m not going to be mayor, I’ve decided to sign up for a training course for search-and-rescue.”
“You have?” His eyes soften with golden light. “How do you feel about that?”
“I’m terrified, but someone taught me that all things worth doing are terrifying.”
“I’m so happy to hear it. Would you—” Augustin holds out his hand. “I want to explain.”
My heart threatens to ooze out from between my ribs. I’m desperate for him to explain why he still doesn’t believe I’m enough for him and Hannah. But I also don’t want to know. I’m afraid that hating him might undo me.
We sit on a bench looking over Dulcina’s ritual circle. In this garden, I feel like I know Augustin a little better, that he’s given me a tiny piece of his heart.
Which only makes what he did that much more awful.
Augustin stares ahead, worrying his hands in his lap. His little tendrils encircle his wrists, as though trying to protect him. “I didn’t wish to hurt you.”
I snort. “Then you probably shouldn’t have humiliated me in front of the whole village.”
“I hated doing it.” Augustin’s face twists.
“When the husker attacked me, I thought that the only way to protect you was to make sure you were far away from me. I was going to take Hannah and leave, but I thought I had to break your heart first, because if I didn’t, you’d hunt us down like the delightful menace you are. And now, we are—”
“I know what we are. You chose Hannah’s safety. You made the right decision. Of course you did. But it doesn’t change the fact that you hurt me.” Too late. The tears fall down my face. “That’s not partnership.”
“I know. I have been in agony over it. I hurt you gravely because deep down, part of me still didn’t trust that you could love me.
I wanted to protect Hannah and protect you, and I thought I could only do that alone.
But I realised that I’m teaching her that the only way to be safe is to be alone. And that breaks my heart.”
“Mine, too,” I whisper.
Seeing Hannah standing on that altar, alone, her wound dripping blood into that labyrinth, broke something in me. She shouldn’t have to carry that on her own. I know too well what carrying a burden that isn’t yours can do to you.
“I want her to believe that she’s worth of love, and friendship, and all good things, because she is.
” Augustin’s voice cracks. “I realise that the only way for me to do that is to heal my own wound. And that begins with an apology to you. But that’s only the beginning.
I know that I’ve broken the bond we shared—”
“No,” I say.
“No?”
“No, you haven’t broken us. I’m not that weak, Durant.
I don’t fall apart just because a few vampires think I’m corrupt.
My people-pleasing days are behind me. And as for you and me – we were forged in the fires of love and village politics.
It’ll take more than a little public humiliation to get rid of me. ”
My words are light, but my heart pounds in my ears and my chest clenches and my breath stills. As I say them, I look over at him, and my heart is saying, I’m here, I want to try again, but I’m hurt. Be gentle with me.
And he looks back at me, and his eyes are twin flames of golden light, and his heart responds. Me, too.
All around us, red blooms unfurl, their petals bold and bright. But I barely notice. I have my eyes on a strange, wonderful, impossible man as he stares down at Irene’s note in his hands.
Something in his posture makes me suddenly very desperate to see what that note says.
I whip it from his fingers and slide my finger under the seal. He grabs for it but I hold it out of reach and read it out loud:
Augustin,
I know you hate me, and I don’t much care. You must understand why I took Hannah to your court. She is unique among our kind. She needs to be studied, and if she has Dusk Court blood then they are best suited to study her.
However, if we might set aside the problem of your Dhampir, your human has impressed me greatly these past weeks.
She has shown bravery, intelligence, devotion, and a certain chaotic bloodthirstiness that appeals to my baser nature.
As a member of the Conclave, I have the ability to grant certain rights to vampires outside of my court.
And so it is with honour that I grant you permission to give her the Kiss, as well as an invitation to align with the Midnight Court, should she so wish.
Yours,
Irene
For once, I have no words.
Augustin whips the paper from my frozen hand. “That’s not what it says.”
But when he skims it, his face twists. He looks back at me, eyes like two bonfires, all crackling and warm. He clears his throat.
“Is this what you—”
“Yes.”
His Adam’s apple bobs. “You didn’t even hesitate.”
“I don’t have to.”
Tendrils of ivy curl from the cuffs of his torn shirt. He looms over me, stopping an inch away.
“You make every decision in your life to please someone else,” he says, his voice low, dangerous. “I don’t want you to ever feel that way around me. I want you to tell me what you want. I won’t do anything unless you will it. If you want me to impale myself upon Alaric’s sword—”
“I don’t want that.” My voice doesn’t sound like my own.
“Then what do you want, Komal?”
“I want to be a vampire. Who doesn’t want to live forever and flounce about dramatically in period clothing and flawless skin?
And you’re not even allergic to garlic. This is good, because I love garlic.
Although, is it all holy relics that aren’t permitted, or only Christian holy relics, because Hindu—”
“Komal.”
“Yes! I want this for Hannah, so I can protect her better. I want this for you, because I want to climb into your coffin and play footsie with your cold feet and steal all the blankets.” My voice cracks. “But most of all, I want this for me. I’m ready. I want to be a vampire.”
His lips curl back into his shy, beautiful smile. The twin flames of his eyes flare into an inferno. As he steps closer to me, my heart ratchets up into a clatter. A train set loose upon the tracks, hurtling faster and faster towards falling completely in love with him.
Love.
The moment I think the word, I know it’s true.
I’m not afraid of it. I’m in love with Augustin Durant, with his stoic nature and his steadiness and the fact that he’s sitting in a creepy garden in a silk shirt and a rumpled, sodden pair of trousers, with mud and twigs in his hair, looking like a forest god.
I love that in the fiery depths of his eyes is the safety I didn’t even know I’d been searching for.
I’m safe with him.
Augustin’s eyes widen as if he can sense my thoughts. Or maybe he can smell the arousal pooling low in my belly at the sight of him. Apparently, damp men with twigs in their hair do it for me. Especially if I’m in love with them.
“Augustin…” I breathe.
He lifts his hand, and I’m so awed by the softness in his gaze that I lose my words.
“Before we go any further, I need to tell you something, and it could change everything,” he says, his tone serious. “I know we made an agreement to keep Hannah safe. To keep you safe. But I don’t know if I can honour it. I love you.”
Well.
Shit.
He moves closer on the bench, so we are toe-to-toe, magic prickling in the air between us. Vines curl around his wrists, but he doesn’t release them. Instead, he cups my chin between his fingers, forcing me to look up at his serious face.
“All my life, I’ve never fit anywhere,” he says. “But when I’m with you, the otherness never comes. I’m not an alien. Even when you hated me, you saw me.”
“You saw me,” I whisper.
“I have shut myself away for so long – a walnut with a shell so thick, my heart has become inaccessible even to me. I told myself it was to keep Hannah safe, but I’m afraid that if I’m truly honest, it’s to keep me safe, too.
If I wore loneliness as armour, then I didn’t have to face another betrayal.
But the armour is heavy, and I have walked so far alone, and I am tired.
With you, I’m laying aside my armour, because you are where I rest.”
“I hope…” I swallow back the lump that rises in my throat. “I hope that we’re not resting tonight.”
“If you want to rest, we will rest. If you want something more, then…” His eyes darken.
“I am your humble servant. But first, I need you to know the whole truth. Please forgive my clumsy heart for falling for you, but I had no choice. You captivated me with your unhinged behaviour, your bright smile and your beautiful heart. I’m tired of being afraid.
I love you. I want you more than I want my loneliness, and if you’ll have me, we will conquer every danger that threatens us together. ”
His thumb traces my chin as goosebumps prickle my skin.
Love.
The word that has been dancing in the shadows between us, long before tonight.
“I love you,” I whisper back. “You are my castle walls. You are the steady earth I need beneath me to feel brave. I’ve never been able to be vulnerable before, to expose the ugly things beneath the surface that make me feel like less than the Komal I show the world.
You don’t judge me – you encircle me with empathy and understanding.
The only thing you have to do is stand with me, and I’m a better person just by being beside you.
Also, your daughter is amazing, and I can’t wait to teach her my wild ways. ”
“If Hannah turns out as brave and wonderful as you, then I shall be delighted.” Augustin lets out a shaky breath as he smiles. “I worried you didn’t feel the same way, and I’d be forced to stare at you all night in agony while we waited.”
A cheeky smile crosses my lips as I push closer, pressing our chests together so my racing heart beats against his slow, immortal one. Blood to blood. “You can still stare at me all night, Augustin.”
I rock forward, craning my neck up to kiss him.