Chapter Nineteen #2
“I wouldn’t rule it out. Jessica was a lawyer before she started jury consulting. But yeah, I’m afraid it’s in their blood.”
“Is it difficult having two at once?” It felt like a good balance of personal but also something I was genuinely curious about. One sounded impossible enough.
“Unbelievably. They terrify me. They’re five and already lecturing me about pronouns. The other day, they found out their preschool teacher is having a baby. When I asked if she was having a boy or girl, Aldous said, ‘They have to be born before they can decide, Dad.’”
I laughed. “That’s amazing.”
“We can’t keep up. We both have careers we love. Neither of us thinks we’d be good parents without fulfilling careers.” He paused. “But honestly, both of us trying to balance demanding careers with parenthood could all blow up in our face.”
I admired how seamlessly he melded personal and professional success. “It sounds like you’re being thoughtful about it all, which is the most anyone can do.”
He nodded. “What about you? Do you want kids?”
There were at least a dozen more pressing questions I needed to answer for myself before I could even think about kids.
“That’s hard to answer. I’ve never been sure.
But, if I imagine myself sitting here in twenty years, telling you that I never had one, I feel this sadness that I can’t explain.
Which makes me second-guess not having kids. Does that make sense?”
I blushed at the honesty of my answer.
Leo took a sip of wine. “I was never sure I wanted kids before Jess got pregnant.”
He looked at me sideways. “What about the boyfriend you mentioned the other week? The one you left behind. Did he want kids?”
I shifted uncomfortably, taken aback that he remembered. “We were married. He’s my ex-husband.”
He raised one eyebrow. “Jesus. You are interesting. I’m not allowed to ask how old you are, but just know I’m wondering.”
I usually hated feeling like divorce made me interesting, but something about the way Leo said it made me feel wiser and more mature.
Besides Charlie, I hadn’t talked to anyone in my “new” life about Ben and was still trying on ways that made me feel like I was in control of the narrative.
“I was very young,” I said slowly. “And he was a great guy. But we didn’t grow in the same direction.” I cleared my throat. “You know, things I should’ve thought about before walking down the aisle at twenty-two.”
He looked surprised, and I suddenly felt self-conscious. Had I overshared? Was I putting myself at risk of being taken less seriously? I couldn’t imagine someone like him relating to the choices I’d made. There probably weren’t any other thirty-year-old divorcées in his orbit.
Leo studied me carefully without saying anything. He picked up his wine glass and set it back down without taking a sip.
“It’s crazy to admit, but I almost got married in my early twenties too. I was even engaged. No one told me ‘all the things’ either, but I don’t think it would have mattered. Maybe we would have eventually evolved in different directions, but I never got the chance to find out.”
“Did she call it off?” I asked.
“She was killed in a car accident the summer after we graduated from college. Two months before our wedding.”
I felt the wine slow my ability to react. It was a devastating thing to share. It almost felt too personal to know.
“Oh my gosh . . . Leo. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. I shouldn’t have been so flippant about marriage,” I said lamely. The look on Ben’s face when I left for LA flashed in my mind.
He shook his head. “Don’t be sorry. It was a long time ago.
Life goes on, and mine has been good. It took me a long time to find someone who measured up to Anna.
But the fact that I had very few personal distractions allowed me to focus on my career, and now I’m forty-four, and my parents are finally happy I didn’t go into politics,” he said with an ironic smile.
I was having trouble finding words that didn’t sound like I was trying to be overly sincere.
“I guess what I’m saying is that it worked out.
I didn’t have another relationship until I met Jess in my mid-thirties.
I learned quickly that this job takes everything we have to give.
I’m sure leaving was a difficult decision, but I promise you, it’s easier being on your own.
You’re building something. It takes intense focus to do it right. ”
He smiled. “And, selfishly, I’m glad you made the decision that you did. The firm is lucky to have you.” He looked at his watch. “Jessica’s been tied up with a monthlong trial in Santa Barbara. I should get home before she goes to bed.”
“I should get some sleep too. It’s about one a.m. for me right now,” I said.
“Burning it at both ends is a good thing. Just keep doing what you’re doing.”
I felt validated. I loved Connor and Caroline, but neither of them seemed to understand that now wasn’t the time to figure out my personal life.
Ten minutes later, I rolled down the window of my Uber to take in the warm California air as my phone pinged with a text from Leo.
Thanks for a fun night. Client gallery opening tomorrow night on Melrose—if you’re still in town, join me?
I responded I’d love to join.