Chapter Thirty-Nine
Charlie had sent two text messages while I was at drinks with Leo, one letting me know his flight was delayed, and another asking if I could let the front desk know he was checking in late, because his cell reception was bad.
Hey, so sorry—just seeing these now, I hurriedly responded on my way back to the room.
I changed quickly and headed to the cocktail hour downstairs. The music was deafeningly loud. I scanned a welcome table with a thousand name tags to find mine. The ambience was thick with lawyers drinking away the social anxiety. Charlie hadn’t responded.
Two proseccos and several stiff conversations later, I found my way to the formal dinner with assigned seating. Waiters passed by with bottles of red and white. I was starving, tipsy, and exhausted at the idea of spending at least another hour chatting with colleagues I didn’t know.
“White, please,” I answered with a polite smile. On these few hours of sleep, red would have been a sedative.
I looked up to see a woman awkwardly leaning in from a few seats over, noticeably trying to read my name tag.
“They should really make the letters bigger,” she said uncomfortably.
“I’m Samantha, from the New York office,” I said, trying to sound approachable.
“Cathy, from Dallas.” She had the odd combination of a pleasant voice and an unfriendly expression.
“This is my first firm retreat.”
She screwed up her face. “This is my twelfth, if you can believe it.”
“Any tips?”
She held up her glass of wine. “Don’t be the drunkest, and don’t be the soberest.”
I leaned over and clinked my glass to hers. “I’ll try to remember that.”
I pretended to busy myself with carefully buttering my dinner roll as the rest of the table seemed to have rounded out with varying versions of Cathy. To my left was a retired partner who had trouble hearing but was still invited to the retreats.
It felt like there were over a hundred tables. I was envious of whoever was seated next to Charlie. The head partners for each office took turns addressing the room. I didn’t notice that my wine glass was never less than two-thirds full until I noticed the room was spinning.
“After-party, then hot tub. In that order.”
Leo’s arm was suddenly wrapped tightly around my shoulder, his face so close I could feel his breath on my skin.
“How did you find me in this labyrinth?” I asked nervously.
Don’t be the drunkest, don’t be the soberest.
Cathy had disappeared. Something told me she probably wasn’t ending the night in a hot tub with Leo Hirschman.
“When there’s a will, there’s a way. I figured I’d save you when I saw you were next to Anderson Salamander.”
“That was only rough because he couldn’t understand a word I said. Otherwise, he was surprisingly sweet.”
“There’s always a way to salvage the night. Follow me.”
I needed to find Charlie. And a bottle of water.
The “after-party” was a big room with makeshift bars, a strobe light, and a DJ. I was planted next to Leo, sipping water as he introduced me to other attorneys and made endless small talk. I promised myself I wouldn’t get another drink.
“You look amazing in that dress, Sam. Hope it’s okay for me to say that.” He leaned over, turning to face me directly.
“Oh, thanks . . . It’s just a dress. I’ve worn it to the office lots of times.”
He looked amused by my discomfort.
“Listen, there’s something big coming down the pipe.
I think you’d be perfect for it. I’ll be representing the biggest names in the business to acquire a specialty theater chain.
They’re gonna totally revamp the way people go to the movies.
If I can hold out until the investigation is over, would you be up for it? ”
I perked up. “You wouldn’t joke about that, right?”
He laughed. “Thought you’d say yes.”
I paused. “I just can’t take on anything until the end of the month.”
“Totally get it. I can do the ramp-up. We’re still finalizing the engagement.” He smiled and looked at me intently. “I’ll wait for you.”
I felt dizzy from the flashing lights. His attention somehow felt bolder. Was it just his marriage that had been holding him back? I wondered if they had separated and if I actually wanted to know.
“Be right back,” I said quickly.
Before he could respond, I swung open a door to the patio, cold air hitting me like an IV. I’d left my coat inside.
“Wondered if I’d find you out here,” Charlie said so quietly, I thought it was in my head.
“I’ve been looking for you,” I said, hoping Leo hadn’t followed me outside.
“Can we talk?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Are you upset with me?”
“Why would I be upset?”
“Because I bailed on New Year’s.”
I watched the air form smoke as I shivered.
“We didn’t have to spend New Year’s together. And I had to work anyway.”
“You never even asked why I wasn’t coming back.”
“It wasn’t my business.”
I turned to face him. “Look, if you freaked out, that’s okay. I get it. We both knew this was going to be impossible. You were just mature enough to do something about it.”
His glasses were fogging up again. He took them off and shook his head impatiently. “Like I said, you don’t know—”
“We meet again! Charlie, right?”
I watched Charlie watch Leo drape his arm around my shoulder.
Charlie nodded. “Hey, man. Good night?”
“Great night. Hate having this one all the way on the other coast though. Trying to get her to make a move out to LA,” he said, his words slurring slightly.
“How’s that going?” Charlie asked.
“Brought you a beer,” Leo said to me cheerfully. I peered at Charlie.
Leo stepped back. “Holy shit, I’m a jackass. I totally interrupted something here, didn’t I? My bad. I’ll let you two get back to it.”
Neither of us said anything.
He looked down at his watch. “Hot tub’s at midnight. Feel free to come by too,” he added unconvincingly, looking at Charlie.
“Sure thing.”
Charlie looked at me sideways once Leo was inside.
“That’s the partner you had a crush on?”
I took a sip of the beer. “He’s important, professionally. But any crush is long gone. Totally evaporated.”
“Doesn’t look like he knows that.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, he put his arm around you, and you just stood there.”
“What else was I supposed to do? Jump back and yell ‘cooties’?”
“If you’re not comfortable, you shouldn’t just let it happen.”
My eyes narrowed. “Well, next time you’re a first-year associate in that position, let me know how you decide to handle it.”
He looked hurt. “Look, I’m not trying to sound judgmental. I’ve been watching him cozy up to you for the last hour, and it’s not a good look. I know how important your career is to you.”
“You’ve been ‘watching’ me?”
“I mean, not like from a dark corner—but yeah, I was around enough to notice.”
“I haven’t asked for your opinion on any of this, you know.”
“I’m only saying anything because I care. I fucking care a lot. Things have definitely felt weird over these last couple of weeks, and I hate that. I don’t really know what to do.”
I felt embarrassed about Charlie noticing Leo’s attention. Was I that girl?
I wanted to tell him how much I’d missed him, how it was his attention I wanted. It was him. Not anyone else. Instead, I bit my lip. I didn’t want to have this conversation when Leo could walk back out any second. “I can’t do this. Not here,” I said helplessly.
“We don’t even know what ‘this’ is yet.”
“Whatever it is, I’m not good for you.” I took another sip of the beer, my lips almost sticking to the frozen glass bottle.
He looked exasperated. “Jesus, Sam. You’re just so hell-bent on convincing yourself that you’re not good for anyone that you’re going to miss out on something you’ll regret.
I’m not even saying that’s me. But I know all the arguments you make in your head.
And I don’t buy any of them. You can do all the things you want to do without getting hamstrung by some schmo. I’m not here to hold you back.”
I took another sip against my better judgment. I couldn’t find any words that seemed right. I could feel my eyes filling up.
“I think I’m falling in love with you,” he said quietly.
My emotions had gone full tilt.
I stared at Charlie. Behind him, Leo was hovering inside.
I took a shaky breath. “Charlie. We can’t do this here. Please understand that.”
Charlie reached into his pocket and handed me a room key. “Will you come by later so we can talk?”
I nodded and slid the key into my pocket as I watched him go inside.
“Clock’s ticking, little lady.” Leo reappeared, holding my coat. I felt like I was being hunted.
“I just need to find the restroom.”
I locked myself in the last stall and pulled out my phone.
Building B, Room 1601. I’ll wait up.
I leaned my head against the tile wall, fighting the urge to lie down on the floor. All I needed was for Elinor to find me passed out the next morning.
I begrudgingly put on the one-piece swimsuit I’d bought earlier without trying on, pulling my dress over it.
I squeezed my eyes shut and felt hot tears soak my eyelashes. I splashed cold water on my face, trying to put on more concealer. The altitude had sucked all the moisture from my skin, making it impossible to blend. I looked like a member of Cirque du Soleil.
I wondered if Charlie had gone back to his room. The idea of him seeing me in a hot tub with Leo made my stomach hurt.
I just needed to participate and be done with it.
Minutes later, I planted myself awkwardly on the edge of the hot tub. It looked like Leo was holding court, and for a split second I wondered if he’d forgotten about me.
I turned around to grab the water bottle behind me.
“It’s a bad idea,” Leo said, hoisting himself up next to me.
“What is?”
“Getting involved with the person you share an office with.”
I laughed nervously. “Not sure what you mean. We’re just friends.”
He traced figure eights in the bubbling water. “I’ve been around a long time. I know an office romance when I see one. And it’s just not a good idea. People always find out, and somehow you get taken less seriously.”
I wished I was drunk enough not to read between the lines.
“It’s not what you think,” I repeated halfheartedly.
There was no way he believed me.
“Look. You have a bright future here, Sam. Sky’s-the-limit type of future. Just trust me. It’s not worth it.”
I took another sip of water to stall. I hated thinking he was partly right. Had I really gone scorched earth on my entire life just to throw it all away on an office romance?
We were interrupted by a fratty senior associate parading around a bucket of Bud Lights. Water splashed everywhere. Leo took a towel and delicately wiped water off my face. He passed me a Bud Light.
I was finally recreating the college experience I never had, stuck at a frat party with no exit in sight. I felt asphyxiated by the steam and drunker by the second. If I didn’t focus on breathing in and out, I was going to pass out.
I tried thinking of coherent excuses to call it a night. All I kept thinking was if I left, he would know I was going to Charlie.
“Bar’s closed,” someone announced. A lifeline. I realized people were getting out of the hot tub, toweling off, trickling out.
“I should get some sleep,” I mumbled to Leo, putting my dress on without bothering to dry my legs or feet. I scanned the ground for my heels, nearly falling backward into the hot tub as I tried putting them on.
“Whoa there, you okay?” Leo steadied me, his arm cradling my waist.
“I’ll be fine.”
He smiled. “C’mon, I’ll help you back to your room. Elevator’s this way.”
I gripped my bag. Charlie’s room was in the same building as mine. Once Leo dropped me off, I could wait a few minutes and then find Charlie.
We reached the elevator, and I untangled myself from Leo’s arm, leaning against the wall to steady myself.
Before the doors closed, I looked up and saw Charlie.