Chapter 36
Paxton
Moving didn't take long when you hadn't accumulated much.
A few boxes of clothes, my baseball gear, the equipment bag I treated better than most people treated their furniture, a box of books I'd been meaning to read since college and probably wouldn't get to until I retired, two duffel bags of miscellaneous things that hadn't earned their own category yet. That’s what made up my life.
Pops had packed it all up for me. When I went to pick it all up, I walked through the space to make sure he hadn’t missed anything. I should have known he hadn’t. It looked like I hadn’t even lived here.
"You know I’m practically a professional mover," he'd told me.
We pulled up to Grizzly's place and climbed out. Technically it was now my place too. I just needed the finality of having everything brought in for it to feel that way.
Pops came to stand beside me as I took in the view of the place I’d now call home. "Nice morning for moving."
It was a great day for it. The weather was nice, and the forecast indicated it would stay such throughout the time we’d be unloading everything.
Given the time, there wasn’t a lot of movement from the neighbors just yet.
Maybe their sleeping in would give us peace before anyone wandered over to roll out the welcome mat.
Grizzly opened the front door before we reached it, proof he'd been watching for us. His shy smile had me grinning like a fool.
"Good morning.” His voice was still a bit sleep worn.
Pops stepped up onto the porch and kissed him on the forehead. Then he shifted past him through the open door saying, “Kiss and cuddle while I make myself a cup of coffee. We’re burning daylight, and I want you both focused instead of pining.”
My boy went very still. I pulled him into my arms, noticing up close how he had tears in his eyes. Pops accepting him confused my boy most days. Other times, like now, it brought heavy emotions.
“He loves you. Probably as much as I do. You’re his kid now too, baby,” I whispered, careful not to let the other man with us overhear. If he did, there’d be a whole grand speech about family and how we were his sons.
The man could be a bit long-winded when you got him going. Grizzly didn’t need to hear all of that when he was already in his feels.
I tilted his chin just right to give him a deep kiss, then I turned him toward the open doorway. “Let’s get inside before he raises a stink.”
For the next couple of hours, we worked to get everything inside and somewhat unpacked. Pops was adamant for us to use him while we had him.
“You’ll be happier knowing only the tiny details are left,” he told us when I asked why he was pushing for this.
The more we unpacked and broke down boxes, the brighter my boy’s smile became.
It was as if he could finally see our lives blending together.
My baseball gear was near the washroom, ready for when I needed it next.
My clothes were in the closet, and my shoes lined up on the shelf above all the hangers.
Everywhere I turned, there were pieces of me mixed with the life my boy had built. I stood in the living room for a moment after we’d unpacked the last box just taking it all in.
Pops had found the iced tea in Grizzly's refrigerator and helped himself to a glass. He came over to the couch, dropping down right beside my boy. He looked around the room with his slow assessing expression taking it in much the same way I had.
I could sense the moment he noticed the big, fluffy bear who’d been supervising our efforts—Grizzly’s words, not mine
Wells was sitting slightly off to the side on a folding chair I’d put out for him earlier in the day.
He’d been on the couch more often lately.
Grizzly had started leaving him in the living room, which was a beautiful shift from how he’d tucked that part of himself into a single room.
It was also a step up from Wells being in the bedroom.
Pops got up from the couch, walked over to the chair, and crouched down in front of the bear.
"Well, hello there, friend. I don’t think we’ve met."
Grizzly made a sound from across the room that he immediately tried to cover with a cough.
"Don't mind me," Pops said to the bear. "I know we haven't been formally introduced. I'm Paxton’s father.” He tilted his head, studying the bear. "You look like you've been around. Seen some things. Got any secrets to share?"
Grizzly's shoulders were shaking with silent laughter. I loved his happiness, but I also knew my pops. He would keep going for as long as I let him.
"Pops," I called out.
"I'm meeting more of the family." He glanced back at me. "This is important. You can't just walk into a house and ignore somebody." He returned his attention to Wells.
Grizzly had given up on trying to be discreet entirely. His hand pressed over his mouth as he giggled at the interaction.
Pops straightened up and looked at Grizzly. "What's his name?"
Grizzly's hand came down from his mouth, his emotions sobering quickly. "Wells."
Pops's eyes widened. He looked at the bear and then at me. "Wells," he repeated.
"Yes," Grizzly said.
"After—"
"Yes."
Pops nodded slowly, as if soaking up the news. I could see the wheels turning in his head. "You named a bear after my son. You used our family name."
"I did," Grizzly confirmed. “It’s the only name that seemed right.”
Pops pressed his lips together and closed his eyes. "Paxton," he choked out.
"I know, Pops. Pretty much had the same reaction.”
"This man… You have to…"
"I know, father.”
He turned back to Grizzly. "How did he find out?" He gestured between me and the bear. "How did Paxton find out the name?"
Grizzly's mouth turned down. "That’s a great question. Your son still won’t tell me."
"It’s not all that interesting of a story," I said.
Pops scoffed. "Let us be the judge of that."
“I guessed.”
Both men stared at me blankly, as if what I said didn’t make sense.
“You, what?” My boy blinked rapidly, as if trying to understand the words.
“When I dropped him off, I intended for him to be a comfort, but also as a reminder of how much I cared for you. Given that we both work in sports, last names are a big deal. When I sent the text, it was more me phishing to see if you’d done what I hoped you would.”
“You were bluffing.” Pops cackled after stating his realization. “That’s amazing. You are so your mother’s child.”
Grizzly’s expression shifted from confusion to understanding at Pops’s words. He whined, going somewhat petulant as he grumbled, “You’re a meanie. I can’t believe you tricked me.”
“It was more wishful thinking that trying to trick you, baby. I’m honored you thought to name him after me. He’s part of our family too.”
We chatted for a while after my confession. Topics ranged from baseball to design ideas to having a housewarming party for us. I knew if I mentioned the latter to any one of our friends it would be a done deal. It was a task for later since hunger had arrived with a vengeance.
My boy’s stomach growled mid-sentence. His ears and cheeks turned red.
“No need to be embarrassed,” Pops pointed out. “I could use a bite myself.”
We ordered lunch and ate it in the living room because we wanted to stick close together.
Sometime during the move-in process, our comfort levels with one another deepened.
Grizzly appeared to be more at ease with Pops.
That was a relief all its own. I wanted the two of them to be close since they were the most important people in my life.
My boy had gotten so comfortable, he even pulled his bear close to sit beside him. The small, casual domesticity of the gesture warmed my heart. The ease of the motion was new. It meant a lot that he trusted my pops to allow this part of himself out.
Pops had been quieter since the conversation about Wells, which meant he was preparing to ask something that might be a touch uncomfortable. "Can I say something?" he asked, gaze focused on Grizzly.
My boy looked up. "Of course."
Pops set his container down and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees.
"I know about what went down with your parents, and I want to be clear with you about where I stand now that you and Paxton are living together. What those people did wasn’t parenting.
That's not even basic decency. And you deserve to hear that from someone who knows the difference. Someone who sees you, who cares for you, and wants you to know how special you are.”
My boy’s lower lip trembled. Tears streamed down his cheeks. It took everything in me to not wrap him up in my arms. He needed to hear these words though. He needed to know the depths of which he was loved.
"I've been thinking about whether to say this for a while," Pops continued, "because it's not my place to tell you what to do about your family.
That's yours. But I can tell you what I see from where I'm sitting.
I see a man who built a whole life by himself.
Who took care of everyone around him and asked for nothing back.
That's not the history of a man who had good parents.
That's the history of a man who survived the absence of them.
“I'm not trying to replace anyone. I know I can't do that, and I wouldn't try.
But I want you to know you have a pops now.
If you want one. I come with opinions about food and an inability to stay out of other people's business.
Also, I will absolutely embarrass you in public without meaning to.
But I show up. That's the main thing. I show up, and I stay. "
Grizzly set his container down on the cushion beside him. His hands came to rest on Wells, and his fingers moved in the slow, automatic way he did when he was grounding himself.
"The call," he started, and stopped.
"You don't have to explain it," Pops said.
"I want to." Grizzly looked at him directly.
"When they called the office. When my mother said what she said.
There was a moment after Auden took the phone, where I was standing there thinking this is still what they do to me.
After everything. After all this time. I'm still the person they can belittle whenever they want.
I've been done with them for a long time.
I think I just needed to say it out loud to make it true all the way through. "
Pops nodded. "Then it's true. You’re my kid now. I’m going to tell everyone how awesome my sons are and brag like crazy. I’m the luckiest dad in the world."
The dam on my boy’s emotions broke. He began to sob, his face contorting into a look so broken I couldn’t sit by anymore. It was only Pops’s hand raising to stop me that held me back.
He moved to sit beside Grizzly, then he slowly wrapped his arms around my boy. I watched as my pops held the love of my life close, not once seeming bothered. If I had to guess, the look on his face was relief. Like he was finally free to openly care for the man who meant the most to me.
I’d watched Grizzly learn to let things in for months. It was the quietest, most significant thing I had ever had a front-row seat to. The gradual, deliberate expansion of what he would allow himself to receive.
And now this.
He’d spent a long time believing the wrong people's assessment of him. I’d done everything I could to show him it wasn’t true. But I wasn’t a parental figure for my boy. Not in the way he needed reassurance for.
That’s where Pops came into play. It’s where he thrived.
I couldn’t have asked for better parents.
My boy had been managing the wound his parents left without knowing that's what he was doing. Now he had my pops around to help heal the wound instead of pushing the pain down.
Grizzly’s tears slowed after a bit. Then he was wiping his face and pulling back with a somewhat embarrassed look. I shook my head, ready to tell him he was fine.
But then Pops decided to interject. “Also, I moved the mugs around. The one you had at the back of the cabinet is the best one, and it shouldn't be in the back."
Grizzly looked at me like I could explain the complete shift in conversation.
I held my hands up. "He's always been like this. You just have to try to keep up."
"I find it helpful to make myself at home quickly. It reduces everyone's stress." He gestured around the room. "See? Nobody's stressed. And when you decide to get a mug out, you’ll see what I mean."
Grizzly shook his head, though he was smiling. I motioned for Pops to move so I could take the spot by my boy. He rolled his eyes as he got up. The effect of the move was ruined by his massive grin.
This was family.
This was love.