Chapter 31
Durvla
I’m going to be arrested—clearly Kilkenny knows that I’m an Undesirable.
He admitted that he’d enforced the sanctioned banishment of Undesirables.
It isn’t until the next day that I encounter him alone.
He’s waiting atop Ghendor as I arrive at the stables.
I have so many questions burning in my mind as I clamber onto Mirren. But Kilkenny takes off without a word.
There’s an incessant dull ache in my head today, the dizziness and nausea creeping in behind it, but I manage to keep up with his pace as he takes a path that’s familiar now. We arrive at the hedge maze and walk to the clearing without exchanging a word.
We stand face to face, the fountain flowing beside us.
“Ask your question,” he signs, and my heart races.
So, I didn’t imagine it! “You can sign?” I ask aloud.
“That’s the first question you choose to ask?”
I track the movements of his hands and his lips.
He’s a little slower, translating his words very literally rather than more concise signs.
Still, he is surprisingly fluent. He’s going to report me and they’re going to banish me to the Wastelands.
After all of this! I’m not going back home.
It’s over. Black spots and waves of darkness tunnel my vision.
The hair on the back of my neck rises, and that annoying tingle in my fingers returns.
“Find your center!” Kilkenny motions.
I almost can’t believe what I’m seeing, or that he’s telling me to control myself when everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve is rapidly unfurling.
For so long, I’ve hidden this part of me.
I’ve worked my rear off learning how to read lips, resisting the urge to sign instead of speaking as it became increasingly difficult for me to fathom what my own words sound like.
My entire life has been shrouded in secrecy.
Pain swells in my head and chest and I realize that I’ve been holding my breath. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to breathe.
“Deep breaths. Find your center, like we’ve practiced in meditation. Your secret is safe with me. Knight’s honor.” Kilkenny’s hands move urgently, though some of his translations aren’t exactly correct. Still, it’s comprehendible.
The words throw a blanket over my rising fears, but anxiety still fights for dominance.
For a few heartbeats, I inhale and exhale slowly. “How do you know how to sign?” I ask when I can breathe again without having to think about it.
“I said I’d keep your secrets, Garrick. I didn’t say I’d tell you mine.”
I glower at him and press my lips together to keep the hostility inside my head.
“We’re going to work on sparring tonight since your sacred princess-dressmaking-hands are free.”
I puff out my chest as I sign my spoken words: “Haven’t you heard? I’m leaving tomorrow after the Feast. I’m going back to Cluain Baile. You’re not obligated to teach me anything anymore.”
His brows disappear beneath the dark hair falling onto his face, the few silver strands standing out. “Then what do you have to lose with one last lesson before you leave?” He gestures to his face and goads me on. “Hit me.”
My lips tug down. He obviously hasn’t reported my deafness or my ailment to anyone, and he’s continued to go out of his way for these lessons. I’m certain he should be catching up on rest when not on duty; I don’t understand why he’s chosen to help me.
I exhale and get into a fighting stance like he’s shown me many times before. Then I go in for a strike.
My heart is still racing from my lesson with Kilkenny—I never imagined I would come to enjoy the inexplicable lessons.
But now, bathed and dressed in fresh clothing, I’m buzzing with disquiet.
My chamber feels awkward now that I’ve completed Carys’s dress.
With the Feast not until tomorrow and my return to Cluain Baile quickly approaching, my mind is a nonstop tumble of what-ifs and the very real question of what now.
My hands itch for something to do, so I fight to find a comfortable position in bed and dive into an epic adventure novel I borrowed from the library.
My door flies open and Carys strides in like a woman on a mission, her gold and raven tresses billowing out behind her, pale cheeks flushed, golden eyes ablaze.
Behind her, Kilkenny gives me a semi-apologetic look.
By the time I focus on Carys, she’s already said whatever she had to say and turns to walk back out of the room.
“No time to explain,” Kilkenny signs.
I flip the book over on the bed to save my page and get to my feet. Without the traction from my boots, I slip from the sudden shift in position and nearly fall over.
“Meet us at her room,” Kilkenny motions before taking off after Carys.
As quickly as I can, I lace on my boots before rushing after them. By the time I arrive at Carys’s quarters, she and Kilkenny are already inside. I freeze in the doorway.
Carys’s room looks as though it was in the path of a tempest. “Great Lierwen and Rhianu …” I mumble under my breath.
Except I must’ve spoken rather loudly because Kilkenny’s gaze snaps to mine and I step back.
I take in the overturned chair, the sheets and drapes on the bare floor.
The plush rug has been rolled back and stands upright against one of the posts of Carys’s bed.
Stationery is strewn all over the floor and Lowri is shuffling pages back into order and placing them atop a disastrous desk.
Ellynne stands near the fireplace, trying to talk Carys down as the princess paces endlessly.
Kilkenny approaches me. “You got through to her in the library somehow. Can you … ?” He nods his head toward her.
Kilkenny steps aside as Carys suddenly rushes toward me, a wild look on her face. “Can you fix this shit pile excuse for a bedchamber?”
I blink, unsure of how to react.
“Godsdamned useless Grounder.” She throws up her hands and turns away from me.
Resentment constricts my throat, and I swallow tightly around it as Kilkenny fixes me with a look that says be calm. This is not the Carys I got to know yesterday in the library.
Volatile emotions, she’d mentioned. Emotion soup. “What do you want me to fix?” I blurt as she resumes pacing, her fingers speared into her hair.
She spins to me, her long hair flying behind her.
“This mess.” I note the way her face contorts, the way her throat bobs and her chest heaves—the word snagging on a sob.
In those two words, there’s so much anger, frustration, confusion …
fear. She’s speaking of something deeper than the literal mess around us.
“Alright. Maybe we can start by putting up a force field.”
Kilkenny’s brows dip, as do Ellynne’s. Carys just stares indifferently at me, but she swipes her hand across an escaped tear on her cheek.
“You know, like Osha the Lightweaver?” I try again.
She continues to stare at me, but there’s a stillness to her now that wasn’t there a moment ago.
I turn to Kilkenny. “Do you mind if I maybe speak with Princess Carys alone?” What am I saying? My palms grow clammy at this possibility. I’ve handled meltdowns from Taig before, but he’s a tiny five-year-old and Carys is not only taller than I am, but intimidating too.
Kilkenny frowns, cautious. But he nods and turns to Ellynne and Lowri. He says something to them and they hurry out of the room, Kilkenny a little slower. Casting one last look over his shoulder, he closes the door behind himself.
I need to distract Carys. She’d wanted to know more about me before Kilkenny interrupted in the library. I may be grasping for straws, but …
“I know relationships can feel fickle. You could have many things in common with someone, maybe even trust them, but they’re outside of who you are, and it’s so difficult to know what’s going on inside someone’s mind. What their true intentions are.”
Her fists are clenched at her sides, her body rigid.
“I’m from the Grounds. Across the bridge. A very different lifestyle. Yet, you and I can bond over things like books. Dresses. Food.”
She doesn’t move a muscle, her focus on the floor.
I need to play into her curiosity about me.
What did she want to know? I release a breath and my cheeks burn prematurely.
“You asked me if I was fond of someone,” I say.
“The truth is, romantically, I’m not. I’ve never felt that …
special something that people speak of. No sparks.
No racing heart or sweaty palms. No butterflies in my stomach. No fantasies …”
Her fists unclench and her body slowly relaxes. She lifts her head, but it’s clear she has no clue what I’m talking about.
“The love stories in the book of fairytales are all sort of similar, aren’t they? Enidwen and Caedmon—well, alright maybe not that one. Osha and … what was his name again?” I know his name, but what I don’t know is where Carys is mentally right now.
“James,” she says.
“Right.”
“Maeve and Catriona,” she adds.
I nod. “Sam and—”
“Donegal.” She smiles as if proud about completing my sentence, but there’s still something unsettled about the smile. With a heavy sigh, she sinks down to the floor, pushing her curtain of hair out of her face and over her shoulders as she crisscrosses her legs beneath her dress.
I sit in front of her, mirroring her position. “So many great romances in Erleyan history.”
She gawks at me. “It’s fictional.”
“I’m not entirely convinced that romance isn’t purely fiction. At least for me.”
For a while, she stares down at the tiles, her long fingers tracing the lines in the floor design. When she glances up at me, she appears less frazzled and more like the Carys I’ve gotten to know. “So, you’ve never been attracted to anyone?” she asks.
My shoulders sag with relief; there she is. There is that lucid spark. I shake my head.
“So, then you’ve never …” Her eyes widen, her brows hidden by her disheveled hair.
Heat blooms in my cheeks but, again, I shake my head. Then I shrug.
The corner of her mouth lifts very subtly as if she’s too exhausted to muster a full smile. “Don’t be embarrassed. If you want it, I hope the perfect moment and the perfect lover finds you.”
I smile, warmed by her sincerity. “Thank you, Carys.”
A while later, I usher an exhausted Carys to bed and open the door. Lowri is no longer there, but both Kilkenny and Ellynne stand behind Carys’s door like a pair of concerned parents. I gesture toward the bed and shrug. “I can help tidy up,” I offer.
Ellynne smiles and nods gratefully. “Much appreciated,” she says.
Afterward, I’m exhausted and retire to my own bed for a much-needed nap. Just three more days and I get to go home.