54. Durvla #2
A smile blooms across his face and his eyes grow small again. It’s a genuine smile that warms my heart and makes my stomach flip pleasantly. I stop moving again as we make it through the pathway and into a small clearing surrounded by shrubs. “Dead end,” he says, unbothered.
We may be in the worst of situations, but in this very moment, it’s all distant. Kilkenny’s expression is tender. Stubble has grown along his jawline again, and it looks good on him. I find myself staring at it, then at his lips as he says, “Everything alright?”
“No.” I nod upward to the ribbons of color in the sky that preset the sun’s nightly descent. Soon, we’ll have to set off again. “Reality calls.”
“I know.” Kilkenny’s hands hang down at his side, the two now-empty skewers clutched in one hand.
“In another time, another circumstance, I think you and me would’ve gotten on very well.” I smile, but his face drops slightly.
“You don’t think we get on very well right now?”
“Well … we do.”
He steps closer and I’m forced to stare at his mouth. “What would’ve been different in other circumstances?”
“Well …” My breath catches in my chest, and I step back a little.
In other circumstances, I would admit that he’s so very handsome, so kind deep down, yet so afraid to show it.
Something changed him; something he didn’t want to discuss with his sister right away.
“Why didn’t you write more to your family after you were knighted? ” I ask. “Why didn’t you visit them?”
His face crumbles and he steps back as though I’ve dealt a physical blow.
I regret asking. “Never mind. You don’t have to answer. We should get going, to meet the others.” I start to walk away but his warm hand gently closes around my arm. Slowly, I turn back to him.
Regret is painted on his face. “Becoming part of the Royal Brigade means essentially relinquishing your original family. The brothers and sisters of the Royal Brigade become the only family that matter. We’re trained to consider each other thicker than blood.
We’re put into so many life-and-death situations where we rely on each other that we do form unbreakable bonds.
I, however, rose through the ranks so quickly, I barely had a chance to form such bonds.
Most of my subordinates were either jealous or intimidated by me.
So, I mostly kept to myself. Until I met Maura. ”
The tear that clings to his lashes sinks my heart.
He exhales slowly, turning away from me for a moment before continuing.
“Maura was fierce, never jealous or intimidated by me. Her parents were also rebels, and she had dreams of escaping from the Royal Brigade and running away to the Verge. Just … the three of us.”
My heart stops beating for a moment. “Three?”
Kilkenny nods. “Obviously, children had never been part of our plan—we were both diligently taking our fertility suppressants. So, when Maura found out that she was with child, she declared that it was fate. Her terror turned into excitement though, while I remained scared shitless.” He smiles but there’s no light in it.
“We were scheduled to be stationed at Paramount for a couple of weeks for recuperation and a small training collaboration with the Forayers, and Maura thought it was the perfect opportunity for us to escape.”
My head is still reeling around Kilkenny having a lover and a child on the way, once upon a time.
“I was in the infirmary chatting with Alys—I knew her as a friend of my mam, and she was aware of our ploy to get out of Mainland—when Carys wandered in. Alys had told me once before that Carys would someday be important to the rebel movement, and maybe it just stuck with me … But that’s when rebels stormed the infirmary. ”
I raise a brow.
“I’d been left in the dark. I would’ve never expected Maura to execute a plan behind my back. But she snuck rebels into the castle with the intention of killing Carys.”
“Damn …” I mumble.
“Indeed.” He sighs and scrubs his hand down his face.
“Carys’s guard was immediately shot down by an arrow, and I remembered thinking, she’s just sixteen.
She might’ve been the heir, but she’d done nothing wrong.
The next arrow that flew her way … I dove in front of it.
Absolute chaos broke out, and the next thing I knew … ”
His throat bobs as he swallows. He turns his face toward the sky and his breathing grows uneven until he focuses on me again. “Maura didn’t make it. I’d like to think that the arrow in her heart killed her immediately … Because the next arrow struck her in the abdomen.”
My stomach clenches so painfully that I press my hand to it. “I’m so sorry.”
He waves my sympathy away. “It’s been five years.”
“That doesn’t mean it hurts any less.”
His eyes are fraught with so much pain that tears come to my own.
I hesitate for the briefest moment before I slowly wrap my arms around his middle, my palms flat against his upper back and my head pressed against the hollow of his neck.
I feel him swallow again, feel his breath shudder before he rests his chin gently atop my head, his arms closing loosely around me.
I’m swept up in a tide of sadness for him.
I don’t know how long we stand there, but our surroundings begin to dim. I unwrap my arms and peer up at him.
“Thank you,” he says.
I shrug and smile gently. “We all need a hug sometimes.”
He sighs heavily and turns his face to the sky again. I catch a glimpse of that scar on his neck. That dream I had back in Paramount …. I want to ask him about it, but perhaps now is not the time.
Kilkenny looks down at me again. “We should get going. Find the others.” He extends his hand to me, and my lips curve up as I slide my hand into his.
Now my stomach flips for a very different reason.
I try not to dwell on the sensation as we take the path back the way we came.
Things are too complex to give in to feelings.
At the end of this journey, we’ll likely be going our separate ways—me remaining in sanctuary, and Tiernan off to be a hero, I’m sure.