Chapter 14 #2
My gut twists, and I feel like I’m going to be sick.
What I can’t do anymore is lie to her. I force myself to look at her, to let her see the devastation I’m holding inside.
This last event just solidified for me that I can’t give her what she wants.
I refuse to be like my father, and avoiding marriage would be the opposite of what he’d do.
“No.” My voice is low and filled with remorse for the pain I’m causing her.
I hear her sharp intake of breath in response.
“I don’t want to get married, Winnie, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
It doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend my life with you.
I can’t be like him. Look at what happened tonight.
I feel like I cheated because some club whore kissed me, and all I could think about was having to tell you and how much it made me feel like him.
Like Rose. Two people I swore I never wanted to be like, and I felt like them. ”
“You aren’t your father, Finn. You’re so much better than he ever was,” Winnie cries, with her arms wrapped around herself. Her words should feel like a balm on my soul, but the events from last night are still too fresh.
“I don’t see myself ever changing my mind, Win. I know I promised you. This kills me, but I just can’t do it.”
Winnie walks over to me, her arms wrap around my neck, and she cradles my head against her chest. I just destroyed her heart, saw the devastation on her face, and she’s comforting me.
I don’t deserve this woman, but I’m going to make it my life’s mission to be everything she needs.
Hopefully, one day she won’t care about a ring, a piece of paper that means nothing, because she’ll still have me.
We’ll still have the life we’ve dreamed about, just without the legalities.
I’ll convince her it's for the best. I’ll love her hard enough that in the end, it won’t matter because I love her no matter what.
I’m not sure how long she holds me for. I don’t know who makes the first move to maneuver us farther on the bed and under the covers. I fall asleep with my arms around her, listening to her breathing, feeling her softness surround me. “I love you, Winnie.”
“I love you, Dodger.” Her voice sounds faint. Far away. Maybe it should worry me that she used my road name, not the name only she is allowed to use, but right now, I don’t want to ruin the peace I feel with her tucked into my side. For the first time in a long time, I let sleep take me under.
My alarm blares from across the room, jolting my body out of a dead sleep.
The deepest sleep I’ve had in months, maybe years if I’m being honest. My eyes blink open, and the ceiling above me looks foreign for a second before the events of the last forty-eight hours come rushing back in.
I’m in our apartment. I came back to see my girl.
Blindly, I reach for her across the mattress, but my hand glides across cold sheets instead.
“Win?” I sit up, the sheets pooling around my waist. The room is still except for the ceiling fan.
The blinds are still down, but sunshine is poking through the cracks.
Stumbling from the bed, I reach for my jeans and pick them up off the floor before reaching into the pocket.
My phone slides out, and I’m greeted with various text messages.
BULLET: Are you coming in today?
PREZ: Take a day if you need it. I’ve heard only good things.
PREZ: I take that back. Get here now. Joce said she saw something disturbing.
CLEAVER: Sorry.
BULLET: Yo, might want to check your phone.
BULLET: You’re a fuckin idiot.
PREZ: Get here now.
“Shit,” I mutter to myself before throwing my dirty clothes inside the hamper.
Hurrying around the room, I grab new jeans before reaching into the closet to grab a clean t-shirt.
Only the closet is practically empty. Five of my shirts hang on one rack, and the other side is bare, the pink hangers sitting empty.
I back out of the closet and pull out the top drawer of the dresser that usually holds all her random shit.
A sewing kit, buttons that she’ll never actually sew back on her shirts, fuzzy socks that she gets as gag gifts from co-workers, and her extra supplies of tape, pins, and tights.
My chest aches, and it feels like I’m having a heart attack.
I’m staring at an empty drawer. I’m vaguely aware that I haven’t grabbed my cut as I bolt to the bathroom.
My hands open doors, drawers, and I pull back the shower curtain, only to find everything empty.
Her razors, shampoo, conditioner, her creams of all kinds, everything is gone.
“Win!” I call her name. Maybe she just moved her stuff into the other room because we had a fight and she needed space.
I just need to see her, and everything will be alright.
Rushing across the hall, I open the spare room door.
The room looks undisturbed as I open the drawers and closet. Empty again.
“Winnie.” Her name comes out as a growl this time. I spin around and speed walk down the hallway to the main living area.
The blinds are open, letting the sunlight in, but the room is quiet, eerie.
The couch looks undisturbed, and the magazines that usually clutter the coffee table are all gone.
The kitchen is clean, spotless, and not even her favorite coffee mug is sitting on the edge of the sink.
It feels like someone reached inside of my chest and has my heart in a tight grip.
I need to just breathe. Is she gone? Did she just need space?
Did I miss a memo that all her clothes may have just needed to be dry-cleaned today?
I’m grasping at straws when my eyes land on the key bowl by the front door.
My feet shuffle forward against my wishes.
Deep down, I know that once I look, it will change everything.
Winnie won’t just be out to breakfast with her friends.
She won’t be at the club helping set up for a fundraiser.
She won’t be grabbing breakfast from our favorite place because we had a hard night.
Once I look in that bowl, it will be over.
The woman I love will be gone. After years of putting up with my shit while I fucked around, too scared to tell her the truth, she finally did the one thing she should have done long ago.
My hand reaches into the bowl. My fingers close around the cold, metal key chain.
My eyes slam shut against the rush of emotion and memories.
I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me.
I finally pushed away the woman who stood by me, who loves me unconditionally, and I punished her for it.
I lied to her to keep her with me. I let the club and my wants overshadow our relationship.
I let her down. Falling to my knees, I clutch the daisy to my chest. I don’t even realize I’m crying until I taste the salty tears on my lips.
I really fucked up this time. But this is Winnie, and this is me.
I’ll give her space, some time to cool down.
Then I’ll get on my knees and beg for her to forgive me.
My phone vibrates again, and I realize I don’t have more time right now to find her.
Quickly, I pocket my phone and the key chain before grabbing my cut and heading out the door.
I’ll handle the club business. I’ll see what Prez’s issue is, and then I’ll reach out to Win and bring her home.