12. Anton
ANTON
She lingers in the doorway to her room longer than she needs to, teeth resting on her lower lip as she looks at me. And I can tell there is a lot going on inside her head, she just doesn’t quite know how to put it into words.
“What is it?” I ask her, drying my hands on the towel I used to finish up the dishes and tossing it back towards the counter. She has been looking at me like that all night, her gaze softening now when it meets mine, instead of tensing with the usual terror I’m used to from her.
“Nothing,” she replies, twisting her hands in front of her nervously. “I was just... just wondering if you would...”
She trails off before she can come out with it, some part of her still reticent about telling me exactly what is going on inside her head. I guess it shouldn’t surprise me. After all that she has been through, all that she has born witness to, anyone would be nervous.
Even though she has nothing to fear out here with me. At least, from what I can tell.
My men, the handful that survived the attack on the mansion, are scattered across the city, each of them reaching out to me in turn to let me know their location and their survival.
I have about a hundred men stationed in the surrounding suburbs, keeping watch on the trading routes that lead in and out of the city, and I have touched base with all of them to let them know what happened, though I’m sure news of it has spread quickly.
I have not even gone back to the scene of the attack, not sure that I could cope with the sight of the house in ashes like that. I got a call from the fire department that I ignored, not wanting to talk to them or anyone about what happened there.
Only reason I would run it past them was if I wanted to claim on my insurance, and God knows, I’m not going to try and pull something like that out of the bag. The house is gone, that’s all that matters. The only thing I can do to fix it is making my brother pay for what he has done.
He has no idea about this safehouse, mercifully, nobody does.
I have kept it under wraps even from my own men, a cabin in the woods that I have had carefully stocked and prepared for a potential visit should I ever need to put some distance between myself and New York. Now, I’m glad I did. It’s kept her and the baby safe, and that’s all that matters.
As for me, I feel like I’m a caged animal, pacing back and forth behind the bars of my enclosure as I search for a way out. I don’t do well with playing it cool, especially not after an attack as brutal as that one.
Normally, I would have made a move to strike back the first chance I got, something to make the attacker pay for even thinking that he could stand against me.
But this is my brother I’m talking about, the one person who I need to be more careful with.
He has an inside track to this world, to my world, and one wrong move could cost me everything.
“I was wondering...” she begins, mustering up every bit of certainty she can. “Uh. If you would mind sleeping with me tonight?”
She raises her eyebrows as she looks at me, and, for a moment, I have no idea what to make of it. Sleep with her? Does she mean...?
“Not in that way,” she corrects herself quickly, as if seeing what is going through my mind. “I just... I’m not used to having all this space to myself. I could use the company.” She glances down at her belly. “We both could.”
Now, that’s a damn dirty trick.
“I’ll take a shower first,” I reply gruffly. “Get yourself comfortable. You need me to bring you anything?”
She tips her head to the side, raising her eyebrows slightly. “I think you’ve already done enough for me tonight,” she replies, and I notice her fingertips flex at her side.
It’s almost as though she wants to reach out and touch me, though she seems to think better of it.
I know how she feels. There’s a strange tension in the air, both of us all too aware of the desire that still threatens to get the better of us, the desire that we both try to contain in any way we can.
It makes things a whole goddamn heap more complicated, of course, but that’s how I got into this mess in the first place. Because when she looks at me with those big hazel eyes, there’s not a damn thing in the world I could deny her, even if I wanted to.
“Thanks,” she murmurs, and she turns to head into her room, leaving me to get myself cleaned up and ready for bed.
I take the shower, like I told her I would, and as the water rushes over my body, I try not to let my mind linger too long on her. Because God knows I have been doing enough of that as it is already, letting her get stuck in my head, stuck in my chest, the thought of her body wrapped around mine.
The way she moved on top of me in the car, like she couldn’t imagine anything or anyone mattering more. I know that, even now, I want her badly, but the question is whether she is willing to overlook the enormity of everything that comes with being with a man like me.
I change into sweatpants and head through to her room, hesitating for a moment outside the door.
I could just tell her no. I could just walk to my own room, let her hear the door clicking shut, and realize that there was no way I was going to let myself be alone with her after all that has happened.
But I can’t. I don’t want to. The promise of her presence is something that I can’t even think about denying myself, and I’m not going to start now.
I push the door open, and she lifts her head sleepily from the pillow, smiling when she sees me drawing close.
“Hey,” she murmurs, and she tugs back the covers, indicating for me to join her. I stare down at the clear sheets next to her, her hand resting beneath her head, delicate fingers tangled slightly in her hair.
“Hey,” I reply, and I slide into bed beside her, pulling the covers over myself swiftly. I’m shirtless, the way I always sleep, but for some reason, being shirtless around her seems as if it carries much more weight than it does when I’m on my own.
I listen to the sound of her breathing next to me, hands aching to touch her, to pull her against me right where she belongs.
But I know that’s not what she asked for.
And I need to keep my distance. It’s all too easy to get tempted into something here, to let my mind get drawn in by the promise of her right next to be in bed, but I know that whatever we have here, it’s not like we can just pick up where we left off back in the city.
I don’t need to make things any more complex than they already are, and, soon enough, her breathing smooths out, and I look over to see that she is fast asleep beside me.
I take the opportunity to study her face, drinking in the sight of her features before me. She’s a strikingly beautiful woman, there’s no doubt about that. Her full lips, the curve of her cheek, her hair, dancing across the pillow beneath her.
It doesn’t surprise me that Arten found himself so obsessed with her. I’m not sure I wouldn’t have ended up the same way, in his circumstances...
I push that thought aside. No. No, I’m nothing like my brother.
I would never, in a million years, assume that I could just buy a woman’s company, or force her hand due to her debts so that she had no other choice.
That’s the kind of shit a monster does, and I’ve sworn to myself I will not let this life turn me into a monster, no matter how close I might find myself coming at times.
I wonder, briefly, how long it has been since I last had a woman in bed with me like this. Not for sex, God knows I’ve done plenty of that over the course of my life, but actually sleeping over.
It’s not something I make much of a habit of, nor do the women that I’m with.
If they ever make it back to my place at all.
Normally, when it comes to hook-ups, I want something fast, anonymous, something that will ensure the woman in question does not wind up drawn into my world and put in danger as a result. And yet...
And yet here I am, lying next to a woman who has asked me to stay the night with her. A woman who has a bond with me deeper than anyone else in my entire life ever has. I can’t stop thinking about that part, the part that ties us together so deeply, the part about our damn child.
I’m going to be a father. I’m going to be a father.
I have been turning that over and over in my head since the moment I found out, trying to figure out where this leaves me, how I feel about the entire thing.
I’m excited, sure, at the thought of holding my child in my arms for the first time, but I had imagined that I would raise my family in the home that I had grown up in.
The home that my brother has stolen from me, the one he has made sure I will never set foot in again.
I doubt that he knows a thing about the pregnancy, not yet, at least, but when he does, he will be ever more twistedly satisfied that he has taken my home from me.
From us.
I reach over to brush some of the hair out of her face as she sleeps, and Maya makes a small noise, turning over and shuffling back towards me.
I let my hand move down her body, resting on the curve of her waist. Even through the oversized tee she is wearing, I can feel the shape of her beneath my fingers, distracting in all the ways I know it shouldn’t be.
I brush those thoughts from my mind, and keep my hand resting there as I look past her and to the window on the other side of the bed.
It’s a clear night, the moon high in the sky.
Beautiful, in a way, peaceful. So much so that it’s hard to believe anything else could be happening out there in the world.
Hard to believe that there is anything, in fact, outside of this room, outside of this woman.
I pull her a little closer and close my eyes. I don’t know how I’m going to sleep tonight, but I’m sure I’m going to do it a damn sight better with her at my side.