Chapter 25
Merritt lost track of Niko as soon as she got offstage, pulled away by the chaos surrounding his win.
The last glimpse she caught of him, laughing and dazed, before being swallowed into a mass of people made her heart feel like it was expanding past the walls of her chest. She, on the other hand, was hit with a wave of exhaustion, her social battery fully drained.
She pulled out her phone and wrote him a brief but enthusiastic text of congratulations, letting him know she was going home and to come pick her up whenever he was done.
She wove through the crowd, looking for Olivia and Dev to see if they were ready to go. But when she spotted them, her heart shriveled right back up again, falling, unobstructed, into her toes.
Olivia was leaning against the wall next to the front door, arms crossed, mouth set in a thin, unhappy line, as Dev inclined his head toward her, talking quietly, clearly trying to soothe her. She shook her head firmly.
Merritt swallowed.
This probably had nothing to do with her. She shouldn’t jump to conclusions.
Just then, Olivia saw her, and her gaze darkened even further. She pushed herself off the wall and walked briskly out the front door, Dev on her heels.
Maybe jumping to conclusions was the right move, after all.
Merritt quickened her pace, closing the distance between them as she followed them outside.
“Liv. Olivia,” she called, and her sister stopped short, then turned on her heel.
“Is it because I asked you not to?” Olivia’s face was pale, her voice strained. “You just couldn’t fucking resist?”
Merritt stopped, too, several yards shy of where Olivia stood, reticent to get any closer.
Dev looked between the two of them, uncomfortable. “Listen, I think this is all a misunder—”
“No,” Merritt interrupted, responding to both of them at once. She’d been sure that she and Niko hadn’t been too obvious up there, but of course, nothing got by Olivia. “I’m not—I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not telling you. It’s just…we wanted some time to figure things out first.”
Olivia’s chin crumpled and she looked away, but not before Merritt saw a whole range of emotions—anger, disappointment, worry—flicker over her face.
When she spoke again, her voice was low.
“I really, really hope you know what you’re doing.”
Olivia met Merritt’s eyes again, her face set, and Merritt felt like she’d been headbutted in the stomach. It was the expression of someone who’d been let down too many times by someone who no longer had the luxury of the benefit of the doubt.
She thought about how she’d missed Olivia’s college graduation because she’d gone to a party hosted by her touring drummer, and instead of getting on her flight to the East Coast the next morning, she’d somehow found herself on a spontaneous road trip to Taos, “borrowing” both his girlfriend and his car.
She thought about how she’d attended their wedding in the haze of her umpteenth breakup with Adrian, getting so drunk she’d lost her shoes, throwing herself around the dance floor like she was performing her own exorcism, not even realizing she’d slashed her foot open until she noticed the spiral of bloody footprints in her wake.
Of course she had no fucking idea what she was doing, and Olivia knew that better than anyone.
Maybe better than Merritt herself did. She flushed from head to toe with the shame of being seen in the most unflattering light possible, made even worse by the knowledge that it was exactly what she deserved.
She stood there, frozen, watching Olivia’s and Dev’s retreating backs as they walked toward the car without waiting for her. Then she turned, too, her feet carrying her back inside, the light and noise both overpowering and strangely muted.
She spotted Nora almost immediately, standing with Jeff, her arms around his waist as he smiled down at her. Merritt hesitated, not wanting to interrupt their moment, but Nora waved her over.
“That was a blast,” Nora gushed. “I’m so glad we came. And look,” she said, pulling out her phone. “I won the table.”
“And about ten other listings,” Jeff said, with good-natured exasperation.
“That’s amazing,” Merritt said, a little robotically, then pulled herself together. “Thank you for showing up, and for being so generous. I know everyone here really appreciates it.”
“It was our pleasure. Really.” Nora glanced at her phone. “We should probably get out of here. Do you need a lift home, or are you going with your sister?”
Merritt felt her face redden. “Uh, no. I mean, yeah. They already left. A ride home would be great.”
Nora turned to Jeff. “Are you good riding back with the rest of them, so Merritt and I can have a few more minutes to catch up?”
Jeff nodded, then pressed a kiss to her forehead before disappearing into the crowd.
The two of them made their way through the parking lot, the lights on a sleek silver sedan flashing as Nora unlocked it from a distance. “Are you celebrating with Niko tonight?” she asked, sliding into the driver’s seat.
Merritt was quiet, busying herself with putting on her seatbelt.
“I think I have to end it,” she said, almost to herself, no longer able to ignore the lump of dread in her stomach that had been expanding ever since she’d seen Olivia’s face. She’d hoped saying it out loud would give her some relief, but it only made her feel worse.
Nora let out a peal of startled laughter. “I feel like I missed a few steps here.”
Merritt sighed and gave her the briefest outline of Dev and Olivia’s long-standing objections to her and Niko’s union, their decision to go for it anyway, and her confrontation with Olivia that evening.
“They think the whole thing is destined to crash and burn. And I’m not totally convinced they’re wrong. ”
“Why do you think that?”
She shook her head. “I don’t know how to explain it. He’s so sweet, and genuine, and, like…earnest. I don’t think he has a critical bone in his body. I mean, you saw him tonight, he’s literally Mr. Crested Peak. The whole town loves him.”
“I think I see the issue here,” Nora replied dryly, flipping her blinker on as they paused at a stop sign.
Merritt cast a sidelong glance at her. “What?”
“I’ve never seen you go for anyone like that. You like a mean, pretentious, neurotic, self-centered intellectual. Or an unhinged, unshowered, chain-smoking, carve-your-name-into-their-chest-the-first-night-you-meet-them dirtbag.”
“Wow,” Merritt said with a laugh. “That was upsettingly specific.”
“Am I wrong?”
Merritt let out a defeated exhale. “I don’t want to, they just always seem to find me. They’re the two wolves living inside me.”
“Well, there are other wolves in the sea. Or, wherever they are.”
Merritt snorted.
“You said this is just until he leaves, right?” Nora asked. “Just for fun?”
“In theory.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“I’m the problem,” Merritt said wearily.
“I’m always the problem. I don’t know if I know how to keep it fun.
” She paused, gathering the courage to say what she’d barely been able to admit to herself, much less to Niko.
“The way I feel about him…it’s overwhelming.
It feels like we’re deluding ourselves that we’ll be able to have a clean break.
I’m afraid of fucking him up, and I’m afraid of fucking myself up again. ”
“You say that like it’s out of your control.” Nora’s voice was gentle.
“It feels that way, sometimes. But this is a different kind of out of control than usual. It’s not scary, it’s…exciting. Which is scary.” Merritt laughed ruefully, looking out the window. “God, listen to me. I sound like a teenager.”
“Is that such a bad thing? Finding someone who makes you feel that way?”
Merritt sighed. “I just…I feel so turned around. At this point, I can’t tell if I should trust my instincts or do the exact opposite.
It’s been two years since I’ve been with anyone, since Adrian, and you know what a toxic nightmare that was.
I…” She took another long pause, her throat tightening.
“Sometimes I think that’s the only way I know how to love someone. ”
She should’ve stumbled over using the word love, but it wasn’t just Niko she was thinking of. It was Olivia, Nora, and the countless people who had, at one time or another, sworn they could never live without her, then subsequently excised her like a tumor.
Nora pulled up in front of the house, then leveled her with a serious gaze.
“You’re not too damaged to love, Merritt.
Yes, you have a past, but who doesn’t? You’re being so hard on yourself about things that haven’t even happened yet.
I can already tell you’re not the same person you were two, or five, or ten years ago.
Have a little faith in yourself. People can make incredible changes, if they want it.
If they work for it. I’ve seen it. And you’re making a lot of assumptions about him, too. Maybe he’ll surprise you.”
Merritt let out a choked laugh. “Damn. You’re really good at this. This is why you’re not allowed to be the train wreck.” She glanced over, a little abashed. “I don’t know how much I’ve really changed, though, if I’m dragging you back into my mess after five minutes.”
Nora laughed. “Hey, I’ve been doing my own work, too. I wouldn’t let you drag me if I didn’t want to be dragged. Plus, I’ve been keeping a tab for the past fifteen years, so you’re on the hook for approximately forty-seven midnight breakdown phone calls.”
“That’s more than fair. I’ll keep my ringer on.
” Merritt paused. “But really, though. You can call me whenever, about anything. I want to be there for you again. I think I can do it now, better than I used to. I…I really miss you, Nor. I know I owe you more than I can ever repay. But I’m glad you’re going to be here. I’m glad I get the chance to try.”
Nora smiled, even as her brow creased with emotion. “Me, too.”
Merritt leaned across the console and wrapped her in a hug as best she could, making plans to see each other again before Nora returned to LA in a few days.
When she let herself into the house, the downstairs lights were already off, so she made her way to her room undisturbed, accompanied only by the dull, persistent throb in her chest.