44. Kayla
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
KAYLA
T he red-rimmed eyes I see in the mirror belong to the same face I left behind in my bathroom months ago. Despite looking like shit, I look like cleaner shit now that I’ve washed off the mascara that was running down my cheeks. I think I cried the entire hour-long drive back to Ashlie’s apartment, plus another thirty minutes on the couch as she showered and changed. I don’t feel tears on the edge of falling anymore, but I still feel terrible.
Tonight was an absolute disaster. I expected a little bristle from Chase, but he full-on ignored the fact I was sitting at the same table as him. He wouldn’t even look at me, and I’d know because I was staring at him all night long.
And the pond.
Ugh.
That whole conversation is one I’d like to scrub permanently from my brain. Seeing him like that—resentful and closed off, completely opposite of the guy I spent the summer falling in love with—was heartbreaking. And I feel horrible, learning what I said that day on the porch had that kind of effect on him.
“Girl, did you fall asleep in there? I have to pay that water bill.” Ashlie’s banging on the bathroom door snaps me back to the present. I turn off the water, completely forgetting it was running. She sounds annoyed, but when I open the door, her face is full of worry lines and sympathy.
“Sorry…” Tears well up in my eyes again, and she pulls me forward into a hug.
“If you don’t stop apologizing…” she whispers, squeezing me tighter as my shoulders shake. She leads me over to her bed and prompts me to sit on the edge. “None of this was your fault, girl.”
“I know.”
“Then why are you still blaming yourself like it is? You did your best based on what you saw. When you learned new information, you tried to make it right. He was the one acting a fool tonight, not you.”
“I know that, but if I would have listened to him?—”
“Then what? You’d be in a relationship with a guy you didn’t really trust? We both know that’s not true. You saw what you saw, you were just missing part of the equation. You didn’t know what you didn’t know. That’s not on you.”
“But I hurt him, Ash. I really hurt him. I love him, and he won’t even look at me.” My cheeks are on fire as the fresh tears roll down the same raw trails the previous tears traveled before. I’m really tired of crying, but clearly, I’m not the one in control here as a new wave pours from my eyes.
Ashlie sighs, turns on the TV in her bedroom, and clicks to our favorite comfort show. “Let’s get into this third season, see if we can take your mind off of it for a little bit.”
I move toward the headboard, curling up on one side of Ashlie’s queen size bed. Staring at the TV, unable to see what’s on the screen through the blurry wetness that steadily streaks down my face, I contemplate closing my eyes, hoping sleep will overtake me. The buzzing of my phone on the dresser across the room makes me freeze. I turn to Ashlie, eyes wide and heart pounding.
I’m terrified.
I don’t know whether I’m more scared of it being a message from Chase, or it not being a message from him.
“I’ll check it,” she says, rolling off her side of the bed. She taps my phone screen and shakes her head with a smirk on her face. “It’s Hunter. You want it?”
I nod and she tosses my phone across the bed.
Hunter
How you holding up?
Me:
Best. Night. Ever. Top 10, all-time favorite *sad face*
Hunter
Hang in there, sis.
Dad wants to know if you and Ash want to meet us for breakfast tomorrow.
Me
Who is us, exactly?
Hunter
LMAO! Just me, Dad, Artie. No Wilmingtons allowed.
Me
*thumbs-up*
Turning to Ashlie, I start to ask, “Do you?—”
“I already told him we’d go. He just wanted to check up on you,” she says without looking away from the TV screen, like they casually talk all the time.
“So are you two… What’s going on there?”
“We’re your best friend and brother who are worried about you. We’re just friends. That’s all.” Her eyes narrow at the TV, and the way she’s avoiding looking at me lets me know that’s not all of it. This must be the distraction I need because my eyes are suddenly drier than the Mojave Desert. Her drama trumps my drama.
“Ash, I saw the way you two were looking at each other on the dance floor tonight. His hands were a little too low on your?—”
“Okay, fine. We talk, but that’s it.”
“Like, how much talking?”
“ Ugh , why are you in my business?” Ashlie groans, pausing the show. She unlocks her phone and tosses it over to me. I pick it up and scroll through her messages with Hunter. They talk all right. Several times an hour, day and night. I abruptly stop swiping as I realize I might see some things I don’t want to see.
“I’m gonna give this back before I see any spicy pics that will require me to have to gouge my eyes out.” I shiver, scrunching up my face.
“He wishes.” She snorts, taking her phone back. “It’s not like that. We talk all the time, about everything. But he knows I’m a relationship girlie, and I know he has several girls on his roster, so we don’t cross that line.”
“So best friends who have a thing for each other?”
“I…guess? We spent a lot of time together this summer.” Ashlie shrugs, grabbing for the remote. “And he was there when I broke up with Bryan…both times. But we can’t ever be together. We’re too different. Now can we watch this? I don’t want to spend the whole night talking about Hunter.”
“Just talking to him all night, then?” I arch my eyebrow and smirk at her. Her phone buzzes between us, and her hand flinches to reach for it, before drawing back. “It’s Hunter, isn’t it?” I nod toward her phone.
She rolls her eyes, sucking her teeth while crossing her arms over her pink nightgown. Her phone vibrates again, and I fold my hands under my chin and smile at her. We both know I’m right. A third buzz has her snatching it up from the bed, biting her cheeks as she tries not to smile.
We pull up to Honey Brunches at seven a.m., early enough for me to make it through LA traffic and to the chartered plane by ten. I see Artemis bouncing in her seat through the red bricked restaurant’s window, her mouth moving a mile a minute as she talks away at Kendall. He’s so patient with her. The smile on his face is warm and loving, and I can’t help but wonder what it would have been like to grow up knowing him.
“Hey, didn’t you win an award yesterday?” I tease Kendall as I slide into the booth next to Artemis. The cozy café music lends to the whirring drips of the coffee machines in the background, adding to the relaxed vibe of the brown and black accented restaurant.
“ Oh. My. God! Can we have your autograph?” Ashlie fans herself dramatically, playing along. She sits next to me, and the disappointment that flashes over Hunter’s face makes it obvious the feeling between them is mutual.
Kendall chuckles, shaking his head as the people at the table next to us try to decide whether he’s famous. A set of short fingers wiggle between my back and the seat as Artie snakes her arms around me, giving me a tight squeeze.
“Hey, sis,” I say, hugging her back.
“Did you take a picture of your dresses?” She bounces, smiling up at me. “Hunter said Ashlie looked beautiful.”
My head whips over, first to Hunter, who has his head buried in his menu, then to Ashlie, whose eyes are wide as she stares at him.
“Oh, did he, now? What else did he say?” I ask Artie, eating up this best-friend-new-brother drama. I hand her my phone to see the pictures, flashing her a smile.
Hunter clears his throat, eyes narrowing at us. “Naw, that’s not how it happened. You asked me if she looked beautiful in her dress, and I said yes.”
“How’s that any different?” Ashlie baits him with a sassy head tilt.
Hunter opens and closes his mouth several times before Kendall leans toward him, whispering loudly, “You might want to quit while you’re ahead, son. You’re no match for these three. ”
I cover my snort with my hand as my shoulders shake against my best friend next to me. Ashlie knocks into me, and I can’t hold the laughter in anymore. Pretty soon, Kendall’s laughing along with me and Ashlie catches the giggles. Hunter sucks his teeth, trying not to smile.
“Man, teasing big brothers is fun .” I laugh, rubbing my hands together, feeling proud of myself.
“Yeah.” Artie nods. “Just wait until you find out about his collection of?—”
“Artie, I swear to God …” Hunter warns through his teeth.
Kendall clears his throat, and my two siblings roll their eyes, going back to their corners and burying their heads in their menus.
After finishing breakfast, and with a few more promises to see them during the holidays, we’re all headed to our respective cars. I hug Artie first, then move to give Kendall one of our newly accomplished, awkward side hugs. Finally, stepping in front of Hunter, I wrap both of my arms around him, holding on tight. He freezes, but relaxes just as quickly and hugs me back. Despite how horribly everything happened yesterday, I’m so very grateful to have someone like Hunter in my corner.
“Thanks for trying,” I whisper into his arm.
“Hey,” he says, pulling back. “Don’t give up on him yet, okay?”
I scrunch my lips to the side and shrug, at a loss for what to do about Chase. He made it clear last night that he didn’t want anything to do with me. I’m not in a rush to redo any parts of that heated conversation by the pond. I just want to get on the plane, go back to school, and forget this weekend ever happened. Hunter hugs me again before climbing into the passenger seat of Kendall’s SUV. Waving, I slide into Ashlie’s hatchback.
When we pull into the airport, I take a deep breath before looking over at Ashlie, ready to leave LA, this weekend, and Chase right here. Since I’ll be the only one on the eight-seater, I’m giving myself the hour-long plane ride to cry and get it out of my system. Then I’ll box up what’s left of the tattered shards in my chest, wrap it up nice and neat, and pack it away. My internship starts on Monday, and I need to leave this all behind in order to focus.
Ashlie wraps her arms around me, hugging me as well as she can over the center console. The tears I’ve been holding in all morning fall. For every one I brush away, two more replace it, and I have to pull away just to catch my breath.
“You decided, didn’t you?” she asks with a somber voice.
I nod my head, trying to get some control over my breathing.
“You’re not going after him.”
“Nope,” I whisper, shaking my head slowly as my blurry eyes look at the gearshift between us. This feels different than it did on the porch at The Bluffs Estates. Before, it felt like a decision had been made for me. Like my hand was forced by circumstance and I had no choice but to follow through with ending things. This is something else. This is all me, my choice.
The decision is mine, and I’m choosing to move on, leaving the messy parts tangled up how they are. Maybe someday I can look back on the good things from this summer, but right now, I just need to forget.
“Let me know when you get back. And hey,” she says, looking into my eyes. “It’s okay to take some of those tears with you when you get home. Don’t feel like you have to leave them all on the plane.”
I sit back against the window, puzzled by how she knew what I was planning to do.
“Girl, don’t look at me like that. I know you, and I’m just saying, it’s okay to feel sad about this for a while.”
We sit in silence, with Ashlie squeezing my hand as I take in her advice. I don’t know if I’ll follow it, but it feels nice to consider it. It feels nice to have her give me the permission I won’t give myself to cry for as long as I need to.
With one more deep breath and another wipe of my face on my sleeve, I grab my weekend bag from the back seat and head inside toward the private jet terminal. I just need to make it onto the plane before I can fall apart again.
Check-in is quick, and after they escort me back for a brief security screen, I’m ushered through the doors and onto the tarmac. With each step I take toward the plane, my body slowly comes undone. My shoulders slump, my footsteps slow, and the tears brimming behind my eyes threaten to release.
My seat.
I just have to make it to my seat.
I repeat it over and over in my head, to no avail. My foot touches the first step of the plane, and the floodgates open. I frantically try to wipe them away, looking at my shoes to keep from falling while hiking my bag up higher on my shoulder. Making it onto the threshold and inside, I swipe at my cheeks to clear my vision enough to find a seat in the middle of the cabin. My eyes move up the aisle to gauge how far I need to go, and I freeze.
Next to the seat I would have collapsed into stands Chase, one hand in his pocket and the other holding onto a small bouquet of pink lilies.
“Wh-what are you doing here?” I ask, my voice hitching in my throat. My feet feel stuck. I’m unsure if walking forward, toward him, or backward off the plane is the best course of action.
He bites the side of his lower lip and takes a breath before moving a step toward me. “I needed a quick flight back home, and Kendall offered me a spot on the plane.”
“But this isn’t flying to San Francisco…”
“Yeah. I know.”He takes another step forward, and I would take a panicky step back if only my feet could move. “I wanted to apologize for last night and figured an hour-long flight was a good way to do that.”
Chase takes another step forward, and I let out a shaky breath. He did all of this just to apologize to me for being rude? After all this time lost, all the hurt and pain I feel halfway responsible for, he’s the one standing in front of me with grand gestures?
“I was an asshole. I wasn’t in a good place, and I took it out on you.” He takes his hand from his pocket and closes the gap with one last step forward, putting the flowers on the seat next to us. Reaching up, he slips my bag from my shoulder and drops it in the seat opposite the flowers. “I don’t want to see you hurting, Kayla, and I’m sorry I said I did.” Timidly, he laces our fingers.
Chase’s eyes meet mine, deep dark blue enshrouded with guarded anticipation as he watches me. Waiting.
It’s my choice.
He’s waiting for me to decide what happens next, and I’m frozen. I had made up my mind, resigned to let him go and here he is, asking me to reconsider.
I want to reconsider.
I want back what we had before LA, and Maggie, and San Francisco. To accept the words he said to me on his porch, when he told me all the things he loves about me. However it looks, whatever form it takes, I want some kind of forever with him.
Chase looks down, and I feel him releasing our knitted fingers as he pulls away.
No .
I cup his cheek in my hand. With a sigh, he closes his eyes and nuzzles his face into my palm, and it’s like I can hear him silently releasing a long awaited, finally .
I lean in, brushing my lips against his, and his hand presses at the small of my back, pulling me closer. The kiss is soft—hesitant, nervous—as we give in to one another. Piece by piece, we knit the fragile fabric of our hearts back together, giving and taking what we need to feel whole again.
When he pulls away, his forehead rests against mine, and it feels like coming home. We stand entwined, just us two, alone together.
After several minutes, he leads me back to the middle row of seats, pushes the armrest up, and pulls me in close. “I missed you,” he whispers, fiddling with the ring on my thumb.
It’s my turn now. This guilt that has been eating me up since seeing the video, the guilt from last night, seeing what my words did to him, refusing to believe him, it all feels like this is my fault.
“Chase, I’m sorry. I should have believed you, trusted you?—”
His lips are on mine again, briefly, before he pulls back, shaking his head and looking into my eyes. “No. You believed what you saw and trusted yourself. I can’t be upset at you for that.”
“But all of this could have been avoided if I would have just?—”
Chase lands another kiss to quiet me, this one more determined than the last, before pulling away. “Stop. It doesn’t…” He shakes his head and takes a deep breath. “ This …” he says, reaching for my hand and placing it over his heart, securing it with his own on top. “This is what matters to me.”
The speaker overhead clicks as the pilot’s voice crackles through, prompting us to buckle up for takeoff. Chase lets me go long enough to secure his seat belt and reaches for my hand again, trailing the tips of his fingers back and forth across my open palm. The soft tickle of his fingertips on my skin is a feeling I’ve missed more than I realized. If he never stops touching me, never stops holding me, I think I’ll be just fine.
We watch the clouds pass by the window as the plane takes to the skies. As soon as it reaches altitude, Chase unbuckles to move closer to me. I lean in, angling myself to rest my head on him, my breathing slowing to match the rise and fall of his chest.
“Did you get the catering internship?” he asks quietly.
“Nope. Well, not exactly…”
His body stiffens, and I turn to look at him, his eyebrows pulled in with worry. “Because of what happened in the kitchen?”
“No, nothing like that. I got a different internship—a better one. I’m the first event planning intern for Seaside Catering.”
The look of relief on his face puts a smile on mine, and I turn back into our snuggle. “That’s amazing. You’re going to be great at that, ba—Kayla…” He buries his face into my shoulder, settling there for several minutes before asking, “Can we spend the day to gether? I’ll have my work buddy drive me back home tonight, but I don’t want to leave you yet.”
“Do you have to leave tonight?” I ask.
“No, I don’t have to. I just didn’t want to assume anything…”
I pull out of his arms and turn to face him again. After all the miscommunication we’ve had, I need him to hear me say this and see that I mean it. “Chase, I want everything back that we had before San Francisco.” I place my hand on his cheek. “I want you. I want to be with you, and I want you to stay tonight. Please stay.”
A smile, one I haven’t seen for far too long, stretches across his face. He reaches for me, pulling me in to smother me with the sweetest of kisses. Rubbing my nose with his, smiling as big as the day we met, he says, “I’ll stay, baby. As long as you want me, I’ll stay.”