16. Brad
16
brAD
T he next morning, by the time we got settled on the plane on the ride to Berlin, I was full of regrets. Not only had I hurt Dylan’s feelings by being completely stupid and not thinking before speaking — again — but now I’d agreed to be friends with benefits in the middle of these swirling feelings. It was a dangerous game, knowing that I’d had these feelings for so long. How was I supposed to just turn those off and agree to fuck him with nothing more coming into play?
How could I leave it like that when I’d seen his face fall? I hated disappointing people, and Dylan especially. He didn’t know just how much, but I felt like a complete asshole for sleeping with him instead of talking it out or explaining myself.
I guess those wishes at the fountain weren’t an instant investment.
We split up on the plane — I crammed next to Shane and Alex, and he was somewhere with Charlie and Theo from the glance I’d gotten before being stuck in the aisle. I hoped Shane and Alex wouldn’t debate the entire time.
It was only supposed to be about a five-hour flight, which I was thankful for. Shane was in the window seat, Alex in the middle. I couldn’t figure out if it would be worse if they ended up arguing or being overly affectionate, and hoped they’d do neither and just exist for a bit.
Unfortunately, being stuck on a plane meant I didn’t have much to do but think. About how I should have just turned Dylan down gently. Or as gently as possible. Instead, I pissed him off and then agreed to it to make it up to him. Not that I didn’t want to. On the contrary, wanting to fuck Dylan and have the excuse to kiss him as much as I wanted occupied a fair amount of my thoughts.
Was this smart, though? I was already thinking of the million ways things could go wrong. Everyone else could find out, or I could hurt him, or he’d find out I’d been harboring feelings for him and that would ruin everything.
Dylan was my best friend. I didn’t want things to get fucked up between us.
“What’s with you?” Shane’s voice cut through my thoughts.
I blinked and turned to look at him. He was watching me with a raised eyebrow, curiosity burning in those dangerous eyes.
“Huh?”
Playing dumb was my best defense, hopefully Shane would just get annoyed and move on.
“You. Brad. What’s up? You rarely look so deep in thought.”
“You might hurt yourself, man,” Alex chimed in, smiling charmingly despite his words.
I snorted. “Nothing, I must just be tired, you know? How was shopping?”
“Oh, fine. I bought and Alex ate. What did you two end up doing?”
Did he suspect something? Shane was eternally suspicious, so maybe he did, or maybe he just sounded that way. Since he’d had his revelation last semester, however, he hadn’t pushed. Maybe I was just being paranoid.
“Went to that fountain and just hung out. Ate pizza.” I shrugged. It all seemed so simple, and on paper it was. There had been nothing special about anything we’d done, but it all felt like it was part of this tangled web of confusion. At least for me, maybe Dylan had it all figured out. “You must be glad to be done with the internship, yeah?”
It was easier to ask other people about themselves. My thoughts drifted again as Alex talked, and the two of them started talking about differences in Italian versus American laws. That was about the extent of my attention span. I turned, trying to glance at where Dylan was. As I looked around the plane, Jason and Micah were still all wrapped up in each other, laughing about something on Jason’s phone.
Theo’s head was visible right in front of them, hanging out the aisle like he was bored. My gaze drifted next to him, with Charlie and Dylan’s heads leaned in together as though looking at or talking about something.
My stomach clenched, and I realized I missed him already. We were here on the same plane, going to be in the same place soon, but I still missed having him next to me. Just taking in his pretty expressions or the way he’d fall asleep anywhere. Summers always seemed to have some kind of effect on him.
This time, the pang in my stomach was guilt. He was probably only doing this so he wouldn’t have to think about things at home.
That didn’t really make me feel like a great person for thinking only about myself and my dick.