44. Brad
44
brAD
E verything was already bouncing off the walls by the time I arrived at the Lambda party. It was just a rager Jason threw on a whim, since he said no one could stop him now that he was the head of the frat. My lecture was late, and I was already behind in the class. This wasn’t great since it was still early in the semester, but I’d never done that well in my classes. I just did enough to scrape by so I could keep playing ball.
I’d have to ask Micah for a hand later on, or maybe Shane if he could spare the time. I’d ask Alex, but he was already slammed with his own schedule that would just get crazier once basketball started.
Winding my way through the house, I smiled and raised a hand in greeting to people as I passed them. Mostly familiar faces, we’d already had bid night and the new pledges were all hanging with the rest of us. I’d chat them up later, but I was hunting for some faces I knew and loved instead. I found Shane and Alex in the kitchen, where Shane was rolling his eyes at some story someone was telling in their vicinity. Alex had his arm around Shane’s waist, looking vaguely amused. Whether it was at the story or Shane’s reaction, I couldn’t be sure.
“Hey,” I greeted them both, “Anything good yet?”
Shane shrugged. “The usual. Charlie ditched this one, so Theo is going to do something stupid before long.”
I laughed. “Sounds about right. Where are Micah and Jason?”
“Shockingly, not fucking yet,” Alex said. “I think they’re in the backyard.”
“So maybe we can’t verify if they’re fucking or not.” Shane laughed.
“Ah, naturally. Dylan?” My mouth felt dry, and I didn’t know why. Did I think that if I asked about Dylan that they’d figure out something was up?
“Last I saw, he was in the living room. Talking to…someone? I don’t know,” Shane hummed, already turning his attention back to someone else.
Well, it wasn’t like I could expect a detailed report. I still didn’t know why Dylan was acting so distant, not really . We just hadn’t talked much. Things were busy, though. Life was crazy. This year was high pressure, and I didn’t have the capacity to figure out every little thing. Not right now. If ever.
Against my better judgement, however, I grabbed a drink and headed back to the living room. I must have missed him on my first pass through. He had a way of blending in — he was small and slouched a lot. If this was any other party, we would have been hanging out, right? That didn’t mean things needed to change.
When I found him, however, I froze. He was smiling, a little lopsided and still somehow so sleepy, talking to one of my frat bros who was well known for trying to get in everyone’s pants. Dylan rarely said more than hi to him, because he wasn’t into that. What was worse was how my bro leaned in, the way he looked like he wanted to devour Dylan whole.
A burning jealousy formed in my stomach, mixed in with confusion and a strong serving of guilt. Was Dylan flirting with this guy? Was he doing it to get to me?
I sighed, trying to find the power to just turn around and ignore it. I’d ask him about it later if I got the chance. But would I? As much as I was making excuses for how I was busy and he should have understood that…I knew things were messed up and it was all my fault.
After we’d got back from Europe, I hardly contacted Dylan. I’d only focused on my family and training to make sure I went into this year as strong as possible. No regard for what was going on between us, even though I’d known what his home life was like. I knew how it made him feel. Okay, so he didn’t tell me in any explicit details, but he’d made enough offhand remarks and comments that I could fill in the rest. At least enough to know it was bad.
Yet here I was, just leaving him alone and barely checking in on him. What kind of boyfriend was I? A selfish one who just cared when it was convenient? That wasn’t the guy I wanted to be.
Against my better judgment, I walked away from Dylan and my bro. I didn’t want to think — I needed a drink.
I didn’t see Dylan for another hour, staying holed up in the kitchen as I helped people do keg stands and drank a steady supply of warm beer. When Dylan walked in, I waved, smiling like nothing was wrong. He just stared at me for a long moment before nodding in my direction and went to grab another drink. He was still around, which was good. It meant he probably hadn’t hooked up with my bro, right? The bad news was, he still seemed pissed. Or hurt. Maybe both.
Once again, I realized if I lost him now, I’d lose his friendship and everything we’d ever had. There was no going back from this, there was no maybe we’d figure it out. This had been our shot to figure it all out, and I was blowing it. I was making it all about me and forgetting what he might have been feeling.
“Dylan…” I began.
He jerked, like something scalded him. “Don’t, Brad. Don’t bother. I get it.” He looked at me with this heartbreaking look in his dark eyes.
Like I’d wounded him deeply, like there was already no going back.
“Dyl. Come on.”
“No, Brad. You come on. It’s too late for that. I understand…you’re ashamed of me. I don’t fit in with your life. Or maybe…the life you want. I’m not dumb, Brad. I know you better than I know myself. Please don’t deny it.” There was that look in his eye. It pierced through me.
I opened my mouth, trying to figure out what to say. As much as I hated to hear the words come out of his mouth, I couldn’t deny them. I’d been so scared of how my family would react to him, I’d been scared of how he’d fit in with my life later on. Which maybe was stupid, but that kind of thing was important to me. My family was everything. “Dylan, it’s not…I don’t want to hurt you. You’re my best friend…and…it’s complicated, but it’s not that I don’t want you…”
His jaw clenched, but even worse than that was the way his eyes suddenly looked misty. I could handle anger — I knew how to deal with that. Crying, sadness, heartbreak…that was a whole different game. “It’s probably better if we just…forget all of this, right? You take Theo and Shane. I’m out.”
Without waiting for me to speak, he turned on his heel and walked away.
My stomach sank. Fuck, this was bad. Guilt overwhelmed me, made me feel hot all over. How had I let things get this bad? How had I let him just get hurt and walk away?
Because he didn’t lie. Because nothing he said was wrong, not really.
I had feared what it meant if I let him into my life. I was scared of what it could be. Which seemed insane, considering I’d wanted him for so long now. I wanted him to be mine and I could finally call him my boyfriend. Now here we were — suddenly, we weren’t anything.
He didn’t even want to be my friend. He was willing to give up the rest of our friends as long as it meant he didn’t have to be around me anymore.
I only had myself to blame.