53. Dylan
53
DYLAN
T he next morning, I sat on Brad’s bed, still with no clothes on, and called my dad. Maybe it wouldn’t matter, but it felt like something I needed to do. Brad held me against his chest, and I could feel his warmth against me. Comforting.
“Hm?” came the answer. Not even a proper word or greeting.
“Dad? Hey. You have a minute?” My voice was quiet, even though I didn’t know why. Maybe I was just so used to the silence from him that speaking too much above a whisper sounded wrong.
“Mhm.”
“Um…maybe this sounds weird, but…I’m seeing someone. You remember my friend Brad?” Truly. I didn’t know if he did. I’d told him about all of them, off and on, in the little snippets of conversations we had over the years. I could probably recount each of them there were so few, or they added up to so little.
“Brad?” He sounded a little confused. “Sure, sure.”
Did he? Or was he just agreeing because he thought it would get me off the phone quicker? “We’re dating.”
“Oh? Good…okay.”
Brad’s arms tightened around me. He could probably hear what he was saying.
“Dad…I miss you.” Memories flashed in my mind of the guy he used to be. Of the man I missed, of the man he was before he ended up broken and sad. He’d take me and Frankie to the beach and play with us, building sandcastles for hours, even when it got too hot and we got tired. Dad’s enthusiasm made us want to stay and make it better, made us want to keep it going. Memories of Mom and Dad around the dining table, laughing over some joke that was always over our heads, but their laughter made us laugh too.
Even the way he was when Mom left. He’d tried his best to hold on for the two of us, tried to keep making us smile. He’d pull quarters out of Frankie’s ear to make us smile, he’d build blanket forts in the middle of the kitchen and we took up making jam for an entire summer.
When Frankie left, though, it all shattered. I hadn’t seen that dad since.
“Mm…you too.” Were his words.
Tears stung my eyes, and my hand shook.
Brad’s arms were strong around me, and he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss against my shoulder. “You can hang up, Dyl.” His voice was soft, gentle. Not trying to tell me what to do, but telling me it was okay.
I shook my head. “Dad. I’m sorry, but this isn’t fair. You’re still my dad…I still need you. I’ve needed you for years, but…you haven’t been there for me. And it isn’t fair. I know you’re having a hard time, you’ve had a hard time for years…I know that, but so have I. Do you think I don’t miss them? Do you think I don’t wish Mom was still around? Or Frankie?” I rarely said their names. I tried not to bring them up because I didn’t know what would set him off.
But I was tired of having to walk on eggshells around him. I’d been so careful for so long, and it didn’t make it better. He didn’t even have good days or good hours. It was all the same amount of sadness all the time. Maybe he had days that were better if I wasn’t around, but I didn’t know about them. Maybe he thought some moments were different, but not to my eye.
“Dylan…” Dad’s voice sounded strained, like he was trying to come up with the words, or maybe he just didn’t want to hear me anymore.
The tears rolled down my cheeks, and I gripped the phone tighter. “I won’t ask you to change, Dad, but just so you know…it’s hurt me a lot over the years. It still hurts me. I don’t think I’ll be home over break.”
“I’m sorry, Dylan…” his voice already sounded faded away, more and more like a ghost every day.
Wordlessly, I hung up the phone, tossing it somewhere on the bed. I couldn’t handle listening anymore. A tightness was in my chest, clutching around my heart. I didn’t want to be so sad about it. In so many parts of my life, things were amazing. I had Brad, I had my friends, it was senior year. I’d found music again, I still had skating. So what if I didn’t have my dad anymore? Or any family? I’d lost them one by one over the years as it was. I’d go back to Dad eventually, but I needed to protect myself, too. It was too hard to sit there for weeks on end and stare into the silence.
Brad kissed my shoulder again. “Are you okay, babe?” he asked, not letting me go for even a second.
I shook my head, and he pulled me into a tighter embrace.
“I’m sorry, Dyl. You’re so strong, and I’m proud of you for telling him how you feel, you know that?” His words were so calm and soothing, kissing my shoulder again and again.
I knew he meant it, I knew he felt it, but still the tears fell down my face. I didn’t like to let myself fall apart like this — I tried so hard to just keep it all in and not let anyone see it. Even Brad, the one person I trusted more than any other, but I just couldn’t help it. Everything had been building up for too long and I missed the Dad I used to have. Missed the family I used to have.
Brad was lucky to have a family that loved each other, that wanted to be there for him. My dad didn’t even show up to anything, he didn’t even drop me off at SVU freshman year. “I’ll be okay,” I choked out, trying to reassure him. I didn’t want him to worry too much, didn’t want him to think somehow I was going to turn into my dad.
“No, you’re not. And that’s okay. You don’t have to be, baby. I’ve got you, though, and I won’t let you go. So if you want to fall apart, just do it here where I can put you back together again.”
I managed a strangled laugh amid the tears. “Am I like Humpty Dumpty?”
Brad kissed my shoulder again, and I could feel that he was smiling. “Did you know they never actually said he was an egg?”
I laughed again, and this time Brad joined me. It was so ridiculous, but something about the absurdity of it was so funny we couldn’t stop laughing. The laughter turned into Brad kissing me, which turned into us laying on the bed, holding each other. He kissed away the tears on my cheeks, both from the conversation with my dad and from laughter. I kissed him hard, like I was trying to channel all my emotions into that one kiss.
Brad just held me, kissing me over and over and holding me tightly, like he was trying to tell me with every moment that he wouldn’t let me go. Like he wasn’t about to let me fall.
My heart swelled with love for him, and I knew that even if my family was all broken apart, he was going to be there to make me remember I wasn’t alone. I had him, always.