Chapter 15
Him
He leans forward over his phone, hunches his back.
He doesn’t want anyone to see what he’s doing.
To judge him for it. Because he knows what they’d think, his workmates.
They wouldn’t understand. He should wait until he gets home where it’s private, but he doesn’t have the willpower for that. He needs to see her now.
He presses play on the YouTube video, watches a commercial for hair loss treatment, hits ‘skip’ as soon as he’s able. He runs his hands down his grubby jeans. How long since he washed them? He doesn’t like being dirty, but stuff like that, he finds it hard to prioritize.
It’s childish, the film, all those sounds and stickers, and he likes that, he thinks. Although it is confusing, lots of different feelings prickling his skin. But he likes the innocence of the bright colors and bubbly music.
And she’s beautiful. God, so beautiful. He fights the urge to stroke the screen, to pretend he’s touching her hair for real. It’s so rich and warm. It reminds him of his mother’s and for some reason that makes this thing he’s doing, connecting with her in the only way he’s able, feel right somehow.
She’s standing on a deck overlooking a garden. Not a big backyard, but neat and lush with a swimming pool in the distance. He wonders if she likes to swim. He used to swim too, but that was years ago. Not sure he’d even remember how to do it now.
She’s holding hands with her little sister, Aspen it says in the comments. A twin. She’s cute, but too young to be interesting to him. She backs away as Maple takes a step forward. Or Maybe Maple. Her handle is so perfect that it speaks to him on an almost spiritual level.
He watches the bucket above her tip, the water flood out, splatter her head, drip down her face. Soak her white T-shirt. He runs his tongue over his lips.
He wonders if she knows that the water has turned her top see-through, that her lilac bra is now on show.
He feels bad for her. Like it’s his job to protect her but he can’t do that because he’s not there, just watching on a tiny six-inch screen hundreds of miles away.
Sat in the back of a work truck on his lunch break, workmates in scruffy clothes milling around.
Maybe he should just go see her. Fuck it. Jack in this job and drive to Utah. He doesn’t know where she lives, but he’s sure he could find her if he put his mind to it. A girl with millions of followers leaves her mark.
But is that really what he wants? Or does he prefer to look at her like this?
When she doesn’t know he’s watching.