Chapter 5
Five
Paisley
Paisley
The last three months I haven't felt like I've been home. Even when I'm laying in my own bed, under the roof I pay for, it doesn't feel like home. Nothing has since that horrible night. The one that changed everything.
But I don't want to think about that right now. I'm safe, alive, and in comfortable clothes. Which is surprising. Chase didn't tell me where the clothes came from, but he was right. They fit, and they're clean.
Glancing around the room, I can't help but wonder who was in it before me. I think definitely a girl or woman. It's decorated in a more feminine way than the rest of the house, but there aren't any pictures hanging up, or knickknacks on the bedside table.
When Chase brought me in here, he was definitely nervous.
"There's clothes in the dresser, and in the closet. I washed the sheets and blanket last week," he clears his throat. "I do it just in case someone has to stay here. So everything you need should be in there. Even feminine products if you need them."
I nod, licking my suddenly dry lips. "You're sure I'm not intruding?"
"I'm sure. This room is for whoever needs it. Kind of like how you don't want to get into what made you attempt to end your life, I don't want to get into what this room is."
I respect that. I have to. He's not pressured me, and if we're going to be stuck out here together that respect is going to mean everything. "Okay then, thank you."
"I'm happy to help."
The sounds are different there than they were in my apartment.
It's noticeably quieter here, but I'm not nearly as lonely as I'd been there.
The loneliness had been overwhelming at night.
Absolutely debilitating; one of the reasons I sat in my car with a gun today.
No one had understood, though. I'd tried desperately to talk to others about it, but my feelings were brushed off.
I'd never felt so alone in my life, and it had come to a head.
On the bedside table, my phone buzzes. It's surprising, since service out here has been spotty. It's come through once or twice, but now a ton of messages are causing it to go off. The storm must be over. Grabbing it, I take a look.
Bridget: Hey girl! I haven't seen you come out of your apartment today. Are you okay?
My next door neighbor, she's one of the only people who checks on me. Has been since I moved in.
Stanley: When are you going to come get your stuff, Paisley? I need it to be out ASAP.
This man...this man...has completely broken my heart. Looking down at my finger, the indention of where the ring sat is still there. He deserves not to have an answer. He didn't give me one, not when I asked him to be honest with me.
Me: I'm not in a position where I can get my stuff. Maybe donate it.
What I would prefer to say is go fuck yourself, but I still care about him. Even if he didn't care for me. Sleep won't be coming any time soon, not with all of these thought swirling around in my head. Sighing, I get out of the bed, put on a robe I found, and quietly head for the living room.
Chances are Chase won't be awake, and I'll be alone.
But as I enter the room, barely lit by the fire that's still burning, there's a ball of fluff on the couch, right where I was sitting earlier. "Oh my gosh, who are you?" I whisper as I cautiously walk over, and put my hand out for the cat to sniff.
"That's Biscuit," the deep, sleepy voice behind me says. "Because he likes making Biscuits with his feet all the time."
"You didn't have to get up," I say before I turn around.
Dark circles are evident under his eyes, and he yawns so wide his jaw cracks.
"I can be trusted to sit in here by myself.
You won't wake up and find me dead on the couch, I promise.
What happened this morning wasn't a one-off, but I don't feel as shaky as I did then. "
He drags his fingers through his hair. "I'm not thinking that."
"Yes you are, and it's understandable."
"Do you want to be alone?" He asks. "If that's what you want, then I'm okay to give you that, but if you don't want to be alone, then I'll stay here with you."
I give what he's said some thought. "Biscuit and I will be okay. You can trust us. I know after what you saw this morning, you're not sure if you can..."
"Okay, I'm going back to bed, but if you need anything, let me know."
I make a move to cross my heart. "I promise."
He tips his head, and then turns so that he can go back to his bedroom.
Waiting, I listen for the sound of the door shutting, and then relax, before sitting on the couch, and pulling my feet up underneath me.
The cat scoots over, resting his head on my thigh.
Considering this is the most touch I've gotten from anything in the last few months, it brings tears to my eyes.
And with those tears, a fucking floodgate opens.
Before I can stop it, I'm sobbing, snotting and gasping as all the emotions I've been shoving down into my stomach explode.
God it hurts, my chest aches as I close my eyes and let those tears flow.
The cat purrs, curling up closer to me, and the kindness almost breaks me.
I put my knuckle in my mouth to quieten the sounds.
Like I've done so many times over the past few months, I keep it to myself, and suffer in the silence.