Chapter 24
Twenty-Four
Chase
When Paisley comes back into the cabin, she's changed. The vibe rolling off of her is one of a woman who wants answers, and she's going to have them. This is the strongest I've seen her since she came to live here with me.
It gives me hope that she's going to be able to pull through this. That even if we can't make this work between us, she'll be able to go have a life with someone else. It isn't what I want, but it gives me comfort.
She takes off her outer wear, shoes, and then faces me with her hands on her hips.
I just stare back at her, knowing that whatever is coming from her, it either be the true beginning or the start of the end for us.
"Are you going to ever say her name, Chase?" She asks, her voice soft, but full of accusation. "You're not over her. There's no way you can claim to care about me, because you absolutely can't get over her until you can at least say her name. Say her name while you're conscious."
Shame beats down on my shoulders because she's right.
I'm holding onto this hurt to protect myself, and maybe I don't trust Paisley as much as I've told myself I do.
After all, one wife killed herself to get away from me, who's to say another girlfriend or wife won't. Maybe all of this has hurt me more than I thought it did.
"You act like you're okay, that none of this still bothers you, that you're the biggest bad ass to walk the planet. And you are. You're a protector, a man who loves with his whole heart, and who gives everything he has, but Chase you can't love me."
I close my eyes, inhaling deeply, letting my chest fill up with air, before blowing it back out. "I can," I argue.
"Then tell me," she begs. "Tell me exactly how you feel about me. Don't say I'm beautiful or that we're dynamite in the bedroom, or I'm one of my best friends. Tell me how you feel."
"You don't understand how hard this is." I rake my fingers through my hair angrily. "I don't want..." I clamp my lips down, mouth in a straight line as I shake my head.
"You don't want to what? Say it, Chase."
I turn away from her, I have to. Those hazel eyes of hers that are sometimes so green they remind me of the moss on the trees in summer, stare too deeply.
They see it all, and for once they're refusing to let me go.
She wants an answer, who cares if it hurts.
"Goddamn it, Paisley." I let out a breath like I've run a fucking marathon. "It hurts too fuckin' much."
She doesn't say anything, just waits for me to continue. Paisley's not giving me an easy out this time. She's not letting me start, and then stop.
"I loved her so much," I whisper. "So much, but it couldn't save her. She didn't want to live for me, when I did everything every day to make sure she was taken care of. I lived my life for her, and she couldn't do the same for me."
That's all it takes. I close my lips again, trying to stop the flow of emotions, but they're right there on the surface. My chin starts trembling and I know it's coming. What I've dreaded the last six years is coming to the surface, and there is absolutely no way for me to stop it.
"What's her name, Chase?" Paisley asks carefully, softly, as if she's approaching a wounded animal.
"Cara Leigh." It's been so long since I said her name, I'm not sure if I'm even saying it right. It sounds so foreign against my tongue.
"Tell me about her?" Paisley has a seat on the couch, motioning for me to sit next to her.
Sobs tear from my chest, as they wrench out from where I've kept them hidden for so long.
Tears pour down my cheeks as I let all of them emotions I've held a tight rein on, out.
"I met her my Freshman year of high school.
All of the different elementary schools went into the same high school.
She and I sat together in home room. The first day we met each other, by both going for the same desk.
From that moment on, we were inseparable. "
I swipe at my eyes, trying to clear them enough to see. Paisley's watching me with such compassion, such patience, that it makes me want to tell her everything. Even though it's the hardest thing I've ever done.
"We dated all through high school. Everyone knew we'd get married someday.
It was just a given, you know? Like the sun coming up in the morning.
" I laugh, but it's bitter. "We got married right after graduation.
Her parents weren't thrilled, thought we were too young, but we didn't care.
We were in love, and that was enough. Or so I thought. "
Paisley reaches for my hand, and I grip it like a lifeline.
"The first few years were good. Great, even.
We bought a little house in town, it wasn't any fancy, but it was ours.
I was working as a ranch hand, trying to save up to buy our own place someday.
Cara Leigh worked at the pediatric dentistry in town.
She loved kids." My voice cracks. "God, she loved kids. "
"What happened?" Paisley asks gently.
"I don't know. That's the fucked up part.
I don't know what changed." I lean forward, elbows on my knees, head in my hands.
"She started getting sad. Withdrawn. I'd ask her what was wrong, and she'd say nothing.
She'd put on a smile and tell me she was fine, but I could see it in her eyes. Something was eating at her."
The memories flood back, unwanted but unstoppable. Coming home to find her crying. The way she'd flinch when I touched her. The nights she'd lie awake, staring at the ceiling while I pretended to be asleep.
"I tried to help. I took her to doctors, to therapists.
They put her on medication, but it didn't seem to make a difference.
Or maybe it did, and things would've been worse without it.
I don't know." I'm crying again, can't seem to stop.
"I thought if I just loved her enough, if I was just a better husband, she'd get better.
So I worked harder, came home earlier, tried to anticipate what she needed before she even asked. "
"That must've been exhausting," Paisley says.
"It was. But I loved her, so I didn't care. I would've done anything for her." I look up at Paisley, needing her to understand. "Anything. It's why we started spending so much time out here. She loved it out here."
Her voice is gentle when she asks the next question. "What happened the day she died?"
I flinch at the question, but I force myself to answer. "I came home from work early. Wanted to surprise her, maybe take her out to dinner. When I walked in, the house was too quiet. I called her name, but she didn't answer."
My hands are shaking now, and Paisley holds them tighter.
"I found her on our back deck. Like I said before, she'd hanged herself. Where she loved to watch sunsets." The words are coming faster now, like if I don't get them all out, I never will. "There was a note on the nightstand that I found later that night. Just three words. I'm so sorry."
"Oh, Chase."
"I called 911, tried CPR, did everything I could. But it was too late. She was already gone." The sobs are violent now, shaking my whole body. "I held her until the paramedics came. Kept begging her to come back, to please not leave me. But she was gone, and there was nothing I could do about it."
Paisley pulls me into her arms, and I bury my face against her shoulder, letting out years of grief I've kept bottled up. She holds me, one hand rubbing my back, the other in my hair, and she doesn't say anything. Just lets me cry.
When I can finally speak again, my voice is hoarse. "After she died, I didn't know how I was going to survive. I sat with a gun in my hand so many nights, a bottle of scotch in front of me, trying to work up the courage to join her."
Paisley tenses, but doesn't pull away.
"But I couldn't do it. Couldn't pull the trigger. So I lived. If you can call it that. Sold our house, moved out here, took the job as a livestock agent, and tried to forget. Tried to bury it all so deep that it couldn't hurt anymore."
"Did it work?" She asks raking her fingers through my hair, lightly scratching my scalp.
"For a while. I threw myself into work, into taking care of this land. I convinced myself I was okay, that I'd moved on. But I hadn't. I was just... existing. Going through the motions." I pull back to look at her. "Until I pulled you out of that car."
Her eyes are shining with tears.
"You turned my life upside down, Paisley.
Made me feel things I swore I'd never feel again.
Made me want to live instead of just survive.
" I cup her face in my hands. "When you asked about Cara Leigh, it freaked me out.
I haven't talked about her in six years.
Haven't even said her name. It felt like if I told you, if I let it out, it would break something inside me that I couldn't put back together. "
"And has it?" she asks.
I think about that. About how raw I feel right now, how exposed. But also, how lighter. Like a weight I've been carrying for six years has finally been lifted.
"No," I say. "It hasn't broken me. If anything, I think it's started to heal something."
She smiles through her tears. "Good."
"I need you to know something." I take a deep breath. "I was holding onto the hurt to protect myself. If I didn't let anyone in, they couldn't leave me like Cara Leigh did. But it's been hell these last few weeks, not being close to you. Feeling this distance between us."
"I know. I felt it too."
"I love you, Paisley." The words come easier this time. "I love you, and I want you to stay. After the spring thaw, when you could leave if you wanted to, I want you to stay here. With me. Build a life with me."
"Are you sure?" Her voice is small, vulnerable. "Are you sure you're ready to move on?"
"I'll always carry Cara Leigh with me. She was a part of my life, and I can't just forget her. But I don't want to live in the past anymore." I press my forehead against hers, kissing whatever part of her skin I can find. "I want a future. With you."
"I want that too," she whispers. "I want to stay and build a life with you."
I kiss her then, pouring everything I feel into it. All the love and gratitude and hope I have for what we could be together. She kisses me back with the same intensity, her hands in my hair, her body pressed against mine.
When we finally break apart, we're both breathing hard.
"Thank you," I tell her. "For not giving up on me. For pushing me to face this."
"Thank you for letting me in."
We sit there on the couch, wrapped around each other, and for the first time in years, I feel like I can breathe. Really breathe.
The ghost of Cara Leigh will always be there. But she's not standing between us anymore.
And that makes all the difference.