25. Liam
25
LIAM
R iding the train to work, I replay the events of the last twenty-four hours, wondering where I went wrong. What I should have done differently. Maybe if I hadn’t gotten so angry at Whitney after seeing her with Mikey. Maybe if I hadn’t gone to her room when I heard her call out for me.
Who am I kidding? I couldn’t have ignored her even if I’d tried.
Whitney is… unavoidable. She’s woven herself into the fabric of my life, more and more by the day, and now she’s buried somewhere deep inside my chest. If I want things to stay even remotely normal between us, I can’t afford to keep her there.
Last night was everything. The sight of her coming undone in the mirror, the feel of her clenching against me. I thought I couldn’t get enough after the first time, but after last night, I don’t know how I’m supposed to stay away.
Even though she said to my face that she’s not interested. That she doesn’t want me.
Was I too much?
My stomach drops at the thought that I might have pushed Whitney too far or made her do something she didn’t want to do. She seemed as into it as I was, but what if I misread something? What if she can hardly stand to be in the same room as me?
That’s certainly how it felt when we first met. Hate at first sight. Still, I thought in the months since we’d returned from Vegas, something had changed with us. As bizarre as it was that we were, in fact, married, we seemed to get along well. I actually looked forward to coming back to the apartment at night, to seeing her meticulously studying her design plans for the salon or making cocktails in the kitchen.
I thought she’d started to see me — the real me.
I thought she liked what she saw.
Guess it turns out she just wanted a good time. That’s all I ever am. A good time, a fun night out, but when it comes to the real shit, when it comes to real life, nobody wants me.
Just like Luke.
If I’d been a better friend, if I’d been someone he could rely on, someone who people trusted, he’d have talked to me about what he was going through. He wouldn’t have felt so alone.
He wouldn’t be gone.
When I get to Abe’s, Darius is there taking chairs down from the tables and setting up. After I get the bar stocked and ready, he nods his head towards the backdoor as if to say get going . I step into the back alley behind the bar for a smoke, finding Jackson sitting on the stoop with a comic in his hands.
“Hey,” I call out, and his head snaps up at my voice. “I thought you were done skipping school,” I say, unable to keep the accusation out of my tone. He ignores my question, turning his gaze back down to his comic.
Inhaling my cigarette, I shake my head. “What are you reading?”
His round glasses slide down his face as he holds the comic up. X-Men.
“Doctor Strange is the best.”
“Yep,” he agrees, barely glancing in my direction.
“So… about school?—”
He puts the comic down, rolling his eyes. “I finished all my homework already. Who cares if I miss sometimes?”
“Homework only counts if you’re there to turn it in. What do your parents think about all this?”
“My dad doesn’t care,” is his empty reply.
Ambling over to his side, I sit down on the stoop next to him, then nudge his shoulder. “You know, me and your brother both think you’ve got a solid future ahead of you. I know it can feel like your dreams are silly or impossible, but they aren’t.”
He’s quiet, and I can only hope that he’s considering my words, that perhaps I am getting through to him as Darius hoped.
Pushing through the voice in my head telling me that this is useless, I continue on. “You still have plenty of time to submit applications, and if money is an issue, there’s a lot of organizations that can help with fees and all that stuff. I can help you, if you want.”
He doesn’t respond, so I press on my knees and lift myself up. Glancing down at him, he meets my gaze, his expression unreadable.
“Thanks,” he says eventually. “I’ll think about it.”
“You have my number, right? Text me anytime.”
He nods, and I can sense that the conversation is over, so I head back inside. When I get back behind the bar, Darius crosses over to me, his expression hopeful.
“What did he say? Did it work, you think?”
I shrug. “He wasn’t too receptive, but I think I got through to him a little bit. I hope I did.”
His shoulders seem to loosen as he relaxes, leaning against the bar. “Thanks, man. I appreciate it.”
“Keep me updated,” I tell him.
Something about Jackson reminds me of Luke. Maybe it’s that Luke’s glasses always used to slip down his face during class. I’d catch his gaze during exams while he’d push them back up his nose and send me a signature smile, one that said we got this.
I miss that fucking smile.
The next day, I’m in my room avoiding my roommate when my phone rings with a call from my dad. For a moment, I consider ignoring it, terrified that he’s going to ask about school and all my secrets will come tumbling out. Instead, I press the phone to my ear.
“Liam! I can’t wait to see you.”
Despite myself, I grin at the sound of my dad’s voice. “Yeah, me too. Should be fun.”
“Damn right. It’s been too long. You’re so busy with school, I never get to see you.”
I suppress a sigh. It’s time. I have to bite the bullet.
“Listen, Dad. I’m not in school anymore. I’m off it.”
Silence greets me on the other line.
“Dad?”
“What do you mean?”
“I dropped out. Also, I’m married.”
My dad roars with laughter for a solid minute before he settles down, chuckling lightly. “Good one, Li.”
I shake my head. “I’m not joking. I know it’s a dick move to tell you like this, but I knew you’d figure it out when you came to visit, and I thought it was better to tell you before.”
He quiets. “You’re serious?”
“Yeah.”
“Well.” He clears his throat. “I wish you’d told me. These are major life decisions, Liam.”
“Trust me, I know.”
“Who is she?”
“She’s… ” I trail off, unsure what to say. I settle on the truth. “She’s amazing. I’ve never met anyone like her.”
He hums, and I imagine he’s smiling. “Does she have anything to do with you dropping out?”
“No. I did that before I even met her.”
“Li, what’s going on? If you’re in love, I can understand, but you’re making a huge mistake quitting school?—”
“Dad, please no lectures right now. Can you just respect that I need to make my own decisions, even if they end up being mistakes?”
He pauses for a moment. “As long as you’re happy, I’m happy. I’m excited to meet her.”
My heart skips a beat. “Me too.”
“Am I still alright to stay with you? Don’t want to interrupt the newlyweds.”
I groan. “Yeah, you’re fine. You can stay in my old room.”
Yet again, Whitney and I are going to have to share a bed. As if the first time wasn’t bad enough. I hardly survived waking up to her scent, to the feeling of her wrapped around me. Now that sex is entirely off the table, it’s going to be pure torture sleeping next to her.
“Can’t wait. I’m thrilled to meet her. Has your mum spoken to her yet?”
I shake my head, grimacing. “Haven’t gotten ‘round to telling Mum, either. Suppose I will when I visit for the holidays.”
“Liam. Why are you keeping secrets?”
“I don’t know. I’m sorry. I’m just… ”
Lost?
Fucked up?
Lonely?
“I love you, Li. I’ll text you when I’m headed to the city.”
“Right. Love you, Dad.”
I hang up, feeling like an absolute prick. It’s bad enough that I’ve dropped out, but now I’m lying to my family about a fake marriage that has an expiration date? Maybe Whitney was right. Maybe I shouldn’t have told them at all.
But somehow, telling my dad about me and Whitney has filled me with an unexpected feeling of pride. A swelling in my chest from hearing my dad congratulate me.
For a moment, it made us feel… real.