38. Liam
38
LIAM
“ P ass me that rag,” Darius calls from the other side of the bar.
It’s been two weeks since Whitney and I got back from our trip to England. It’s been fairly quiet at Abe’s since New Years, and I haven’t seen Jackson around much either. He texted me a couple of times to ask for advice on tutoring jobs, but other than that, it’s been mostly radio silence. I’ve chalked it up to the holiday break, but now that the new year is in full swing, I wonder where he’s been.
“Where’s your brother?” I ask Darius, tossing the towel in his direction. “Haven’t heard from him much.”
“He’s been busy. Trying to catch up on all the work he missed last semester. Plus, he’s working on this scholarship thing. I guess you got through to him, so, thanks.”
“No problem,” I reply.
“I just don’t want him to be crushed if we can’t figure out the money shit. College is expensive.”
He’s not wrong. I was lucky enough to get financial aid and scholarships, but I’m still paying off student loans. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have to worry about those costs anymore, now that I’m done with school.
“I know,” I tell him. “But there are options.”
Darius hesitates. “He wants to apply to Columbia. My dad told him that was the dumbest thing he’s ever heard.”
“I went to Columbia.”
He raises his eyebrows at me, surprised. “Yet again… what the fuck are you doing working here?”
I chuckle, shaking my head. “Long story.”
He gestures around to the empty room. We closed up twenty minutes ago, pushing out the last stragglers who refused to move on. “I got time. Besides, all ever I do is talk about myself. I wanna get to know the guy I’m working side-by-side with every day.”
Taking in a deep breath, I lean against the bar and start talking. I tell Darius about Luke, about our adventures during undergrad and the two of us going to Columbia together. How we bonded over video games and a mutual love of Star Trek . How he fell in love, and it didn’t work out, and it sent him into a spiral that I didn’t notice. Darius listened to all of it thoughtfully, without interjecting with questions.
Then I tell him about Whitney, about how I needed a place to stay and she needed a roommate. My plan for the money. How slowly I stopped caring about my half-baked plan and focused more and more on the woman in my life. How she broke through my walls and became the best thing I have.
“So now, I’m in love with my wife, and I still haven’t told her. I’ve got all this money that I don’t know what to do with. I feel guilty as hell for even thinking about abandoning Luke’s quest and the promise that I made to him — to myself. But I just feel… I don’t know. I see Whitney and she’s so full of life, so full of dreams that she’s chasing, and it’s like she’s just glowing with it. I wish I could be more like that, but I still just feel so… lost.”
When I finish my monologuing, it’s quiet for a moment.
“Damn,” Darius says eventually, shaking his head. “That’s a lot.”
I bark out a weak laugh, nodding. “Yeah, it is.”
He shrugs. “You’ll get there. When you know, you know. Shit always works itself out.”
“Wow, you’re chock full of inspirational quotes. You an optimist, Darius?”
“You gotta be.”
We’re both quiet for a few minutes as I consider my situation. It’s time for a change. For something. I can feel it in my bones, in my chest, the desire for something new. Maybe it’s the new year that has me itching for an opportunity to start fresh. To figure out my path instead of just wandering around, waiting for something to happen. I’m not sure what it is yet, but Darius’ words ring through my mind, like a buoy to hold onto, something to keep me treading water as I navigate these changing tides.
When you know, you know.
The next day, I get back from the gym to find Whitney clad in an apron and fuzzy socks. The apartment is warm and inviting, a scented candle burning in the corner. It’s another frigid January day, and I’m starving, so the sight of my wife dancing around our cozy kitchen sends my mouth watering for more than one reason.
“Hey, baby,” I say, crossing towards her.
Say it.
I love you. I love you so much. Please be mine forever.
“Hi,” Whitney replies, her eyes filled with warmth.
I wrap my arms around her waist, hugging her against me. “Missed you,” I mumble against her, feeling drunk on the sight of her in our home. She grips me tighter, perhaps sensing that I need her embrace right now.
Always.
She nudges me. “You’re in a good mood.”
I love you.
“How was your day?” she asks.
“Good.” I sit at the counter, watching her. “Darius and I went to the gym together.”
“Who is that?”
“My coworker at Abe’s. We ended up talking for a while last night after our shift ended. He’s a good friend… I think.”
Stirring what appears to be a curry on the stove, Whitney smiles over her shoulder. “I’m glad you have a new friend. God knows you need to hang out with someone besides me,” she teases.
“But I like hanging out with you,” I shoot back. “How was your day?”
She turns off the stove and gets two bowls from the cabinet. “It was great. All Rhodes looks amazing. I can’t believe how close I am. Busy as hell, but close. It feels good.”
I smile. “You deserve it.”
Whitney crosses over to me with two bowls of rice and curry, setting one in front of me. “Thank you,” she says.
“Thank you .” I point to the bowl of food. “This looks amazing.”
“What did you and Darius talk about?” Whitney asks.
“Luke,” I reply. We both chew quietly for a moment. She glances at me curiously, giving me the space to go on or change the subject.
“It’s been a weird few months,” I start. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what my mum said. Maybe I made a mistake dropping out so quickly. I can’t help but have regrets. Can’t help wondering what might have happened if I’d stayed.
“I don’t know what I would have done without you these past few months. I got into all this because I wanted to honor Luke, to fulfill his life’s plan, but the truth is I wasn’t living for myself. I loved Luke, I really did, but I’m starting to think that he wouldn’t want this for me. He’d want me to do my own thing, forge my own path.”
“I think you’re right,” Whitney says softly.
“I guess I just wanted to make a difference. Change the world. Maybe that’s stupid.”
She reaches out, placing her hand over mine. “It’s not. You have so much to give. Maybe it’s not about changing the world. It’s just about changing one person’s world. I think that can be enough. With my salon, it’s not like I’m really making a difference in the grand scheme of things. But if just one person who comes through our doors leaves feeling better about themselves, it’s a win. That’s important, too, and Liam… you’ve changed my world. Completely.”
The warmth of her words settles deep into my bones. Into every part of me. I want to wrap my arms around her and never let go.
It’s just about changing one person’s world.
I’m reminded of Luke’s original mission statement. Of the importance of effecting individual changes as well as structural ones. An idea flashes through my mind as clear as day. The answer, so obvious and so simple that I don’t know how I didn’t see it before.
I suddenly remember Darius’ words from the previous day: when you know, you know.
“I have to make a call,” I tell Whitney, pushing out of my chair, my mind spinning.
Rushing out of the room, I slip my phone out of my pocket and dial Darius’ number. He doesn’t answer, so I shoot him a text, and then send one to Jackson, too. Amped up, I glance at my phone to see a text back.
Darius: What’s up?
Liam: Can I come over
Darius: Bro are you booty-calling me?
Darius: Where’s your wife?
Darius: Lol
Liam: Shut up. Have an idea. Wanna talk in person.
Darius: Ur being weird.
Liam: Can I come over or not?
Darius: Yeah, come through.
He sends me his address, and luckily it’s only a short bus ride away. I go back into the living room where Whitney is still sitting at the counter. She glances in my direction as I pull on my fleece.
“I have to go,” I tell her. “I’ll be back later.”
“Is everything okay?” she asks, turning to face me. “You just got home.”
“Everything is fine.” Staring at the woman in front of me, I realize that yet again, Whitney has been my guiding light. Her words, her advice has given me the realization I’ve been waiting for. I cross the room to her, my heart racing. “You’re amazing.”
I drop my head to hers, kissing her.
“I—”
Now isn’t the time. I’m junked up on adrenaline and halfway out the door. She’s eating curry in her fuzzy socks. But I can’t contain it. I can’t go another moment without telling Whitney how I feel about her.
“I love you,” I hear myself say, the words spilling out of me.
She blinks up at me, her expression one of total shock. A million emotions seem to flash across her face as she processes what I’ve said. I bring my hands to the side of her face, my thumbs caressing her cheeks.
“I love you,” I repeat, because it sounds so damn good hearing it. Feels so damn good to say it. “I’m in love with you.”
I close my eyes for a moment just to savor this moment. The rightness of it. When I open my eyes again, Whitney stares back at me, her mouth opened slightly. She closes it and swallows, her brown eyes searching mine.
That’s when I realize something.
She’s not going to say it back.
I feel it pass between us, the moment where she would have said it. Where she’d throw her arms around me and say I love you, too. Instead, it’s silent. Another beat passes. Another opportunity. The pressure of it bares down on me, impossible to avoid.
“You don’t have to say it back,” I choke out, hating the words as they fall from me. “I just… I’ve been wanting to say it. For a while.”
She shakes her head, seeming to break out of whatever trance she was in. “Liam?—”
“It’s okay. Really. I’ll be back later, and we can talk,” I manage, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead and turning on my heels.
I have to get out of here. Grabbing my coat and my keys, I turn to her for one last moment before opening the door. I wait for another beat to give her another chance.
She could say it now.
We lock eyes, a breath passing between us as I wait for the words that I want so badly to hear. The three little words that aren’t coming.
“I’ll see you later,” I whisper into the silence, then I turn on my heels, heading out into the cold.