Chapter 9
NINE
It’s Sunday night and instead of our usual comedy movie, I told Jayden that I have something else in store for him.
The guilt over the urges I had is weighing on me and I need to remind myself that Jayden and I have a steamy connection and that I’m just going through something.
What I’m feeling right now . . . ? It’s just a wave of confusion that will be gone before it even fully sets in.
Jayden and I are on his comfortable corduroy couch, my fingers entwined with his.
Hairball meows loudly and jumps onto the dining room table, where the sun filters in from the window.
I’m glad he’s occupied with sunbathing because things in this apartment are about to get X-rated. I lean in to nuzzle Jayden’s neck.
“You’re . . . affectionate tonight,” he says quietly, a smile slipping onto his face.
I gently place my hands on his neck and pull him closer, kissing along his jawline, then his lips. “That’s not going to be a problem, is it?”
Jayden tilts away from my lips to respond before I can continue kissing him. “Absolutely not. The only issue is that we haven’t talked about the weekend. How did things go? Did you make any progress? Is your mom rethinking things?”
“Not yet.” I inch closer to him until my lips and his press lightly together, my words causing a vibrating sensation. “I didn’t get through to her this time. But I’m not going to quit.” I ramp up the intensity, slipping my tongue into his mouth hungrily and grinding my body against his lap.
“Whoa. What’s gotten into you?” Jayden pulls back slightly. “Are you kissing me like this because your mom cheating on your dad makes you realize how valuable our relationship is?”
I separate from him to say, “Something like that,” before going back to kissing him.
Whenever he begins to pull away, I up the passion.
I don’t feel like chatting right now. That can wait.
“Let’s take this to the bedroom.” I stand, pull my dress off, and grab Jayden’s hand, leading him into his bedroom where I dive onto his bed and pat the spot next to me.
Jayden’s cheeks and neck tinge pink. He takes off his jeans and golf shirt and lies down in his striped boxer shorts on top of his comforter, one socked foot crossed over the other.
I crawl seductively across the bed and linger over him, my brown waves swinging in his face as I kiss a trail down his chest and stomach.
“I could get used to this,” Jayden murmurs, as I run my fingers beneath the waistband of his boxers.
“Have you ever done the pretzel before?” I murmur.
Jayden widens his eyes and lets out a choked-sounding laugh. “I assume that’s some kind of sex move?”
“Uh-huh,” I say, still leaning over him. I would never tell him this of course, but lately I’ve been finding sex with Jayden a bit . . . vanilla. If I want to keep our passion burning hot, I need to make things spicier for both of us.
Jayden surveys my face and must realize from the inquisitive expression on my face that I’m serious about the question. “I have not . . .”
“Well, are you up for trying it?”
Jayden’s forehead furrows. “I mean, I love our regular positions. The pretzel sounds like an advanced move, at least the way I’m picturing it.”
“Well, let’s get advanced then, baby,” I say, leaning up slightly and taking one of his nipples in my mouth and biting down, semisoftly.
“Ouch,” Jayden cries, pulling away and rubbing his nipple and looking at me like I just killed his cat. “What was that for?”
I cringe. Oops—that didn’t go as planned. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It was just a little love bite.”
“Maybe this is a bit much . . .” Jayden trails off, his brows raised awkwardly. “I appreciate the enthusiasm but this sex move sounds kind of pornographic.”
Pornographic? Hardly. I openly roll my eyes at him. “Well, excuse me for trying to spice things up and take the initiative. I wanted to surprise you with a wild evening.”
“Sorry,” Jayden blurts out and sits up to kiss me tenderly on the lips. “You’re right. You’re trying something new, and I should be encouraging of that. Pretzel me, baby. I’m ready.” Jayden lifts both arms and legs into the air in a very unsexy show of being up for anything.
I try to ignore that and accept his invitation to try something tantalizing. Something totally not us. “Okay. I’m going to lie on my side, and you are going to put one leg in between mine and straddle my leg while on your knees.”
Jayden starts to move but then stops and rubs his head. “I’m sorry . . . I can’t really conceptualize that. What do I need to do?”
I lie on my side. “Now kneel beside me and slip one leg between my legs.”
Jayden awkwardly kneels between my legs and tries to straighten out his right leg. “This is some acrobatic shit,” he admits. “I feel like I’m going to pull a muscle.”
“You won’t pull a muscle,” I say, trying my best to sound encouraging.
“I think you’ll be great at this.” If a pair in their early sixties have this position in their repertoire and we’re half their age, we should have no problem mastering this.
“Here, I’ll show you,” I offer, leaning over the bed to lift my phone from off the floor.
I scroll to the same cartoon image that Zach showed me yesterday.
“Like this,” I say softly. “Do you understand now?”
“Ohhhh,” Jayden says, squinting at the picture like he’s trying to memorize it. “It’s so much easier to understand with the picture. That looks like something I can do.”
I eagerly lie on my side and Jayden assumes something similar to the position in the drawing.
He slides into me, and I gasp—this angle works well.
Fueled by the sound I make, Jayden continues, the rhythm of his thrusting increasing, faster and faster.
His hand slides across my abdomen and he grabs one of my breasts.
Suddenly, without any warning, Zach’s face enters my mind. I’m picturing the moment when our faces were pressed together. I hear a loud moan, and it takes a few seconds to realize that it came from me.
Jayden thrusts deeply with a grunt, then shudders, lets out a sigh, and falls backward against the mattress. “That was intense.”
“Yeah,” I say brightly, but meanwhile I’m completely freaking out. Why did I think of Zach? It wasn’t like I could control it—it just happened unexpectedly.
“Sorry,” Jayden says. “I tried to hold out a little longer but that noise you made turned me on. You must really like to pretzel.”
“I do,” I say quickly. “It’s just such a good angle.”
“Yeah, I get it,” Jayden says, lying on his back beside me and taking my hand in his. “You were right. We should try stuff like that more often. Keep it unpredictable and exciting. I liked that.”
“Me too,” I say, but I’m looking at the wall across from the bed because if I look at Jayden, I think my face will give me away. I’m disappointed in myself. For not being able to control myself, my actions, my thoughts.
The noises I make when I have those thoughts.
Several minutes pass. I take a long, deep breath, my eyes glued to the ceiling, finding the right way to explain what I’m feeling. We’ve always been open and honest with each other. I can’t start hiding secrets. “Jayden, I have something important to tell you.” I turn over on my side to face him.
Jayden lets out a soft snore. Passed out cold. I could try to wake him but maybe this is a sign that I really need to work on my apology first.
Jayden wakes up half an hour later and I’m still no further along in deciding what to say.
“I’m sorry. That pretzel move must have taken a lot out of me.” Jayden rubs his eyes. “Do you want to look up another Kama Sutra position?” He scoops me into his arms, and I feel my body stiffen, which is honestly alarming.
“Hmm . . . tempting, but I’d better head home. I don’t have any more outfits here for work tomorrow.”
“We should revisit the idea of you moving in,” Jayden whispers into my hair.
Forget stiffening, now I’m completely frozen. I feel like a statue. Or an ice sculpture. This is terrible timing. Why did he need to bring that up now when I’m an actual mess to begin with?
“What do you think?” Jayden says, tilting his head to survey my facial expression, which I’m pretty sure is a mixture of shocked and terrified.
“Well . . . I do like having my own place. What we have is fine. The way it is,” I say softly, feeling like a cornered animal even though I tell myself that I shouldn’t.
“What happened with your parents . . . It’s got me thinking.
Maybe your mom didn’t hear it enough from your dad.
How much he loves her. I want to devote myself to showing you and telling you how strongly I feel about you.
Every day. If you moved in, we’d have plenty of time to do all the things we’ve talked about doing.
We’ve been together forever. It’s the next step.
It just makes sense.” Jayden pulls me closer to him and I’m afraid he can feel my heart, which is nearly beating out of my chest. My hands are clammy.
My face feels hot. I need to get out of here. Now.
“Uhhh, I’m sorry. I’m not feeling so well. I think I’d better go home and lie down.”
“Stay here,” Jayden says. “If you’re sick, I’ll take care of you. You stay here and rest and I’ll get you a cool cloth and some Advil. Do you have a headache?”
“No,” I say, surprised by how loudly and aggressively that word came out. “I . . . I mean . . . no thank you. I think I need to be on my own.”
“Okay,” Jayden says with a cloud of disappointment in his expression. “It seems a little weird to me that you feel sick right after I ask you to move in with me, but if you need to go home, I can respect that.”
Jayden’s a good man. The best. Kind. Compassionate. Reliable. The kind of person who always makes sure I’m happy and comfortable. The kind of person who writes really nice birthday cards with all the reasons why he loves me. Any woman would be happy, would consider herself lucky to have him.
I need to get my shit together. Fast.