Chapter Eighteen #3
Nick snorted. While it wasn’t exactly easy coming to grips with his demons, it was going to be a cinch when compared to convincing Alex to give him another chance.
Especially after the way he’d fucked things between them up.
Good thing she was such an amazing person.
It was the only reason a doofus like him might have a chance of making this work.
Alex picked up the kettle bell and hoisted it onto the proper shelf. Everything was so bloody confusing she didn’t know whether she was coming or going. Or why she was putting this stuff away and not packing it up.
She and Janelle still hadn’t had any luck finding a building to lease in their price range, which meant everything needed to go into storage.
Her crawlspace at the townhouse was only half full, so there was lots of room.
Janelle was going to use her garage to house the big stuff.
She said she’d keep her car parked in the driveway until they found something.
Alex had a couple of job interviews lined up at the end of the week.
One for a receptionist position at a physiotherapy office, which was only part time, but at least it was still in a slightly relevant field.
The other was for an office assistant at a real estate firm.
It was full time, which was the only thing appealing about it.
But mostly, she was trying not to think about Nick. Or how she’d screwed things up.
The fact she’d never gotten the chance to tell him how she felt was like one of her medicine balls was hanging on a chain around her neck.
She’d meant to tell him when she got to Nebraska. But then there’d been the funeral and everything. He’d been so upset. Comforting him had led to the kissing and the touching and the love making.
And then, just as she’d been about to finally tell him she loved him, he’d gotten the call about being traded.
She straightened the mats, making sure the edges were all lined up.
The shelving was custom designed to fit all of her equipment.
Disappointment made her throat tight. Maybe she and Janelle had reached too far, too fast. Did too much for a startup.
But it had felt wrong not to. They’d worked so hard to make it happen.
She was such a failure. At everything.
“Hey, you.”
She looked up. Janelle stood in the doorway to the gym. Alex glanced at her watch. It wasn’t quite nine o’clock. No way Janelle was here of her own volition.
“I’m assuming Em called you?” Alex continued straightening the equipment.
“She did.” Janelle walked over and sat on one of the stability balls. “She said when she called you last night, she could tell you’d been crying.”
Darn it. She’d hoped she’d masked the aftermath of her meltdown when she’d talked to Em, but apparently not.
“Yeah, last couple of nights have been rough.” That was an understatement.
She’d managed to keep it together on the flight back from the funeral, but as soon as she’d gotten home to the empty townhouse, she’d sobbed until she was hoarse and then crawled into bed.
Sleep had eluded her for most of the night.
When she finally managed to nod off, it had been anything but restful. And last night had been no better.
Every time she closed her eyes, she saw the stricken look on Nick’s face, first when she’d broken his heart, and then again when he’d realized his dreams were shattering around him and there was nothing he could do to stop it from happening.
And then her heart broke all over again.
She’d gotten up early this morning and had taken her new car on a little drive out of the city. It wasn’t raining, so she’d walked one of the trails, trying to find her center. When she was out of sorts, heading out into nature always made her feel better. Except today. Her heart hurt too much.
“What happened?” Janelle patted the stability ball next to her.
With a sigh, Alex sat down and told her friend the whole story.
About how she was already feeling out of sorts because of the business, and then Nick offering to buy them a building.
Of how she’d overreacted and broke things off with him, mostly because she was afraid of getting hurt.
And then about the funeral and how she had wanted to tell him how she felt, but he got the call about being traded, and the moment slipped away.
“Wow.” Janelle planted her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands. It was impressive, given that she was sitting on a ball and everything.
“And, he bought me a new car.”
“What?”
Alex nodded. “Yup, he left it and all of the transfer documents at my house on Em’s birthday. Didn’t say anything, just left a thank you card and the keys.”
“Holy shit, Alex.” Janelle’s eyes were almost as wide as the ball she was balanced on.
“I know, right?” Heat pricked the back of her eyes, but she blinked hard. She’d cried enough over the last few days to float the ark. “And the worst part? I think he was going to ask me if I wanted to continue our relationship. You know, after he went back to New England.”
“But he didn’t get a chance to, and then everything happened—”
“I’ve screwed everything up.” Alex rubbed her gritty and swollen eyes. “I’ve tried to call him a couple of times, but I’ve chickened out at the last second. I don’t know what to say.”
“How about that you love him and you’re sorry you freaked out and could he please, please, please forgive you?”
She made it sound so easy. “I can’t say all that over the phone. That’s not the kind of conversation you even have over video chat.”
“Then go to San Francisco.”
She said it so matter-of-factly, Alex was speechless for a second. She couldn’t go to San Francisco. Could she? No, that was ridiculous.
“I can see from here that you’re already overthinking this and trying to convince yourself you can’t do it.” Janelle pursed her lips, giving Alex the why-are-you-doubting-me-because-I’m-always-right raised eyebrow she usually reserved for Malcolm.
“What if he doesn’t want to listen? Or worse, what if he does hear me out, and then he decides I’m not worth the trouble and says no anyway?” Alex’s voice was barely audible by the time she got to the end.
“Then you’ll come home and have a good cry, and I’ll help you through it and then you’ll get on with your life, knowing you did everything you could to try and make it work.
” Janelle reached over and took her hand.
“But if you don’t go, you’ll spend the rest of your life wondering what would have happened, and that is far, far worse. ”
Alex sighed again and buried her face in her hands. The hope and doubt swirling through her felt like it was going to tear her in two. She looked at her best friend. “I don’t know if I can do that.”
Janelle patted her arm. “And I’m telling you that you can. There’s nothing standing between you and happiness except fear. Are you going to let fear decide your future?”
She took a deep breath and let the words sink in.
Janelle was right. She’d been so afraid of being hurt, she’d pushed him away before he could reject her.
The way her parents had rejected her, the way Kevin had rejected her.
And now she was using that same fear as a reason to not reach out to Nick. Tell him how she felt.
It was ridiculous. She was stronger than this. Nick had told her so. It was time she actually believed it.
She stood and picked up the ball, placing it back in its spot. Janelle did the same.
Alex turned and headed toward the door.
“Where are you going?” Janelle sounded giddy.
“To book a flight to San Francisco.”