8. CHAPTER EIGHT
Alone again, I trudge down the stairs, slapping my foot with each step and feeling way too sorry for myself, considering I’d gotten my first solid sleep since arriving.
Waking up alone in a room separated from everyone else takes a lot of getting used to when, for ten years, I shared a dorm and for my entire adult life—to date, anyway—I’ve lived with Saxon and Romeo. Our first flat in central London only had one bathroom. And even though we didn’t have to fight over bathroom time when we moved into the terrace Saxon bought after the trial with his parents ended, if I didn’t see them in the morning, I always knew I’d see them at some point during the day. But now, with us working opposite hours, I’m not sure when I’ll see Saxon. And dragging Romeo along for a late breakfast/early lunch today is out of the question cause he’s a lying son-of-a-bitch.
Yes, you heard me right. He’s a deceitful sack of shit.
Remember when he said he wouldn’t sleep with Cleo?
Yeah, well, guess who tumbled out of the lift after him during the early hours of this morning?
And guess who didn’t stop her?
The nerve…
Stepping into the empty kitchen, I’m greeted by twenty-ish tables that look like giant white lily pads floating on a pond of misery. The fluorescent light reflecting off every surface hurts my eyes so much I contemplate leaving the way I came.
“Need a date?”
“Fuck!” I jump, gripping the fabric of my t-shirt over my heart as my body turns ninety degrees.
Of all the people in Canada, it had to be him.
Standing with his hands in his pockets, leaning forward and still holding the position he’d taken to whisper in my ear, is Kai. And he just stares.
He’s only a few inches taller than me, but I feel defenseless—and I’m really fucking not. I throw a better punch than both Romi and Sax, but right now, I don’t think I could swat away a fly.
Pulling back, Kai rocks onto his heels. It feels like he balances there for an eternity before he slaps his toes firmly on the tiles. “So, what d’ya say, pretty boy? Do you need a date?”
“Why?” My voice comes out so softly I want to run and hide under the nearest table, because…
Why is he here?
Did he follow me?
Why does he make me feel so small, and not in a bad way?
Why do I want to say yes to his invitation so goddamn badly?
“You’re cute when you’re flustered,” he grins, raising his shoulders. “You hungry?”
I nod. Words are of no use to me.
“C’mon. Let’s see what’s on today’s menu.” Stepping beside me, Kai presses his hand to my lower back, and I’m completely under his control. Eyes closed, I allow him to guide me because all my brain can focus on is the heat radiating from his palm into my skin.
“Anything take your fancy?” he asks, opening the fridge.
“Sandwich.” My stomach drops, and I have to stop myself from facepalming because I sound like a fucking moron who can’t put a sentence together.
Kai laughs as his hand leaves my back to reach into the fridge. But I don’t care. He can make fun of me all he wants as long as I get to feel the warmth of his touch again.
“White or brown?”
I stare at him blankly.
“Bread,” he sighs, closing the fridge. “You’re lucky you’re so pretty, ‘cause I don’t tend to waste my time on the dumb ones.”
“I’m not dumb.” My words are back. “I just graduated from King’s College.”
Kai puts the cheese and tomato in his hands down in front of several loaves of bread and leans forward on the counter with both hands. Biting his bottom lip, he spins his head towards me before letting his lip slide from between his teeth. “Feisty is far sexier than dumb.”
Refusing to give him the upper hand, I lock my stare with his and take a step closer to switch on the sandwich press without even looking. “You have no idea what I’m like… Where’s the cutlery?”
With a shaky breath, Kai breaks his eyes away to look down at my lips. “Top drawer.”
Stepping behind him, I roll my shoulders and thank whoever the hell is watching over me that I chose jeans instead of sweatpants.
“Plates?” I ask after closing the drawer.
Kai reaches out. “Why don’t you let me worry about that?” And takes the knife from me, his fingers grazing over mine as he removes it from my hand. “You pick us some drinks and take a seat.”
Typically, I’d rebut with, I can make my own fucking sandwich , but honestly, I’m very likely to pass out if I have to stand this close to him for much longer. So I ask, “Any preference?” And allow the fridge’s cool air to chill the burning of my face.
“Whatever. I trust your taste.”
I shake my head. How did he manage to make something so simple sound like a devious double entendre?
“On second thought, I feel like a Sprite. Is there any?”
“Ah-yeah.” I grab a can for myself, too. “Do you want a glass?”
“Nah. I’m not a fag.” The words fall from his mouth so effortlessly, but it’s the reaction his body has that catches me off guard. Ridgid, from head to toe. Like a statue. Too afraid to move, like he’s terrified of my response or what I might do to him.
“No worries,” I tell Kai, moving towards the closest table and out of the bubble of tension that surrounds him.
Cans down, I pull out my phone and open Messenger in search of a distraction from the reverie of thoughts threatening to overwhelm me. Romeo and Saxon are offline, but thank Christ for Mavis.
JESS : How was your first shift? You still owe me a pic of you in your uniform, btw.
MAVIS : What makes you think you deserve one, you naughty boy?
JESS : Touché. But it would be very much appreciated.
MAVIS : You still haven’t told me what I get out of the transaction.
JESS : My everlasting gratitude.
MAVIS : ??
JESS : That’s not nice
MAVIS : Sorry. Just so tired from work.
MAVIS: . . .
My eyes drift back over to Kai as I wait for Mavis to finish typing.
He looks different from behind. Leaner. Smaller. The oversized knit sweater he has on is so big it almost hits his knees. It reminds me of a kid trying on their dad’s clothes, pretending to be grown up and smart and in control. But from the front, he’s everything I envy. Even his style is on point. The V of the sweater is low enough to show off some of his chest tattoos, the sleeves are bunched at his elbows, and the front hem is tucked into a pair of baggy black trousers like he just stepped off a Tokyo runway. And he’s got bare feet, because why would anyone that cool ever need to wear shoes?
“They’re ready,” he says, grabbing some plates from the cupboard above the sink.
I hum in reply and shift focus back to my chat with Mavis.
“Fuck!” I exhale sharply at the picture she attached. Her uniform is better than I expected. Black fishnet stockings, a black bodysuit, a white apron that covers nothing, and all topped off with some frilly ribbon thing on her head.
“Did you say something?” Kai asks over his shoulder.
“Oh… no.” I lock my phone quickly and return it to the table. “Just a message from a friend.”
“Anyone I know?” All the bravo and command have disappeared from his voice.
“Yeah, actually. Mavis. From the airport.”
“Is she your girlfriend?”
“Fuck no,” I laugh, ‘cause if she was my girlfriend, I wouldn’t be sitting in an empty kitchen gearing up to eat a toastie when I could be fully exploring that sexy outfit.
“Sorry… You guys looked close, that’s all.”
Yeah? So why were you trying to fuck her in front of me then? “We’re just friends. Only met her on the last flight… She’s a great lass, though.”
“She seems it.” With a plate in each hand, Kai approaches the table. Placing one in front of me, I watch as he stares at my can of Sprite before stepping back and taking a seat. “I’m sorry.”
“Mate, it’s just a toasted sandwich. How badly can you fuck it up?”
“No. About what I said before… I mean… I’m not gay, but there’s nothing wrong with being that way.”
“Yeah, no shit. But what are you apologizing to me for?”
Kai’s lips tighten and it looks a whole lot like he’s trying to stifle a smile.
Wait! “Have you been fucking with me because you thought I was gay?”
The corners of his mouth tug upwards until a wide smile reaches his cheeks. “Honestly? No… I think you’re intriguing and easy on the eyes. But…” He pauses, his voice dripping with cockiness like he’s never doubted himself in his entire life. “Let’s just say guys rarely flirt back. Straight ones, anyway. Then, when you said you and Mavis weren’t together, I thought—”
“Well, you thought wrong! Very wrong. And I fucked Mavis, by the way.”
“Congratulations.” Chin up, Kai slouches in his chair. “Can’t say I’m not jealous. An ass that fine doesn’t come along often.”
“So what’s your deal, then? Is screwing with me just a fun way to pass the time?”
Kai leans closer to me. “I’m not screwing with you. I stand by everything I said. You are pretty, and I like feisty.” His eyes circle my face. “For a straight boy, you seem to like hearing that.”
“Yeah? And for a straight guy, you seem to spend a lot of time flirting with men.”
Kai nods as if saying, you got me . “Shoot me, I know an attractive person when I see one. Though, can I really be blamed? Especially when you respond so perfectly?”
Refusing to give weight to his line of questioning, I pick up the toastie and bite into it. “Shit!” I curse, spitting it out and grabbing my drink.
“Smooth,” Kai laughs. “You saw me get the tomato.”
“Yeah, well… Shut up.” Fuck me, that was pathetic.
“See.” He gestures towards me. “You’re flustered. And really fucking cute… Besides, if you thought I was fucking with you simply by flirting, then surely you were doing the same to me just before.”
I open my mouth but quickly shut it again, because… I don’t have an answer.
“Could it be, perhaps, that you liked the attention?”
And? So what if I do?
“Or, maybe you—like myself—can appreciate a person simply for being attractive, regardless of gender?”
Fuck, maybe. I don’t know. “I already told you. I’m not gay.”
“And I’ve already told you, neither am I.”
“Is this all just because I’m a new face? Because I kind of got the impression from Cleo that you’ve fucked as many people as she admitted to last night.”
With a dry chuckle, Kai slings an arm over the back of his chair to better face me. “Yeah, that could be it. Maybe your freshness is appealing to me. But then again, your friends don’t interest me in the way you do.”
“How can I interest you? You don’t know me.”
“Call it a sixth sense. In the same way I knew Cleo would have a great set of tits, I just know I won’t get sick of seeing your pretty face at work every day… Is that going to be an issue for you?”
Looking down at my discarded sandwich, I shake my head. I don’t want it to be an issue because it’s everything I want to hear, but can’t allow myself to admit out loud.
“Good, ‘cause we’re gonna be spending a lot of time together, you and I. And we wouldn’t want there to be any problems.”
“I don’t think we’ll have any problems.” With my head still lowered, I look at Kai and allow my gaze to linger longer than I would have been comfortable with a couple of days ago. As he smiles back at me, I watch the tip of his tongue push against the join of his lips.
“Got any plans for the afternoon?”
Yes! And they aren’t ones I had half an hour ago. “Kinda.”
“Something you need to do alone, or would some company make it better?”
Both! One hundred percent, both! “It’s an alone kind of thing.”
Laptop on the nightstand.
Curtains drawn.
Light off.
Air-conditioner on high.
Already down to my underwear, I’ve been pacing by my bedside for the past five minutes, psyching myself up.
I’m not proud of how abruptly I left Kai alone in the kitchen, completely disregarding the food he’d made for me as though it—along with his company—were some toxic waste I needed to flee from. That’s not me. I’m usually the life of the party. The instigator of mischief. Everyone’s best friend. I’m that happy-go-lucky guy skirting at the sidelines of characters like Saxon, cleaning up messes, and apologizing for shit I didn’t do. Not fighting for hidden meaning in dialogue and vying for the spotlight. If this is the kind of crap you need to put up with to play a leading role, maybe being a supporting cast member isn’t so bad after all.
Stopping, I turn perpendicular to the bed and take three long, deep, drawn-out breaths. But unfortunately, the whole in through the nose out through the mouth bullshit isn’t helping.
Ok, Jess. You’ve never backed down from anything in your life, so why start now?
Because it’s hard to argue with someone who’s always right, I nod in agreement with my internal monologue but gingerly sit down, anyway. Scooting towards the headboard, I lean against it and rest my laptop on my thighs.
My fingers move at the speed of light, and my heart beats even faster as I type, ‘How to know if you’re bisexual’ , into the search bar.
I click on the second choice. ‘Am I bisexual? 10 things to know’ and close my eyes.
I always thought the first step was meant to be the hardest, but not in this case. I may have opened the page, but until I read it I exist in a Schrodinger’s box of happy denial where I can convince myself that my current reality is just an hallucination, and I’ll wake up in a hospital bed somewhere proving that none of this shit is real.
But, no dream has ever felt as lucid as how he looks at me…
Ahh, fuck a duck! Here goes…
Sex dreams … Okay. Apparently, they mean nothing. Good to know.
I scan the article, and find no solace among any of its words, especially not in the definition of what a bisexual is. I get no ‘a-ha’ moment or any overwhelming clarity. If anything, I’m more confused than I was before I started.
Putting my laptop on the bed beside me, I shimmy off my boxers and move into a flatter position. Computer on my chest, I open Pornhub.
PAWG, doggie, anal, gagging… What a wonderful array of algorithm-chosen videos based on my previous searches, but one in particular stands out to me. A MFM threesome.
Is it a sign? I’ve watched countless before…
Opening it, I skip past the advert and tuck my hands under my pillow.
A few minutes in and the video is having an effect. I can feel my cock pulsing every time the chick’s ass is slapped, and I’m fully hard by the time one of the guys separates her cheeks and starts licking her asshole. But it’s all her. To me, the men are only there to facilitate her pleasure. I barely look at them, and god knows they hardly acknowledge each other. Even when they’re filling two of her holes, I’m not gripped by the hotness of their proximity. I’m transfixed by the look of ecstasy on her face.
First confirmation: I still crave pussy.
Time to dig deeper.
I type in the word ‘gay’ before quickly deleting it.
‘Male on male first time’ . Ambiguous enough to make me feel comfortable pressing enter.
Oh God!
My eyes widen, and my stomach almost explodes out through my belly button.
Not dissimilar to a lot of my previous searches, I’m shown a lot of threeways, but with very different thumbnails. Every fiber of my being is screaming for me to choose one of them because at least there is a woman involved.
At least I can fall back on that if I’m turned on.
At least I wouldn’t have to face the full reality.
But I know it’s cheating.
Scrolling, I bypass age gap, twink, fetish, and several other tags I don’t bother sticking around long enough to figure out until I find two regular looking guys. Nothing overly exciting.
As the video plays, I don’t feel anything. Positive or negative. Not grossed out, not excited. Just… indifferent.
I decide to close my eyes and just listen to the audio.
I may know what the actors look like, but all I see is Kai and myself. The more dominant lines pour from his mouth as he tries to coax me to undress. I give in. Let him touch my stomach. Kiss my neck.
The soundtrack compels me to open my eyes, but disappointment tugs at my chest when I focus on the actors and they aren’t us.
Almost instantly, my arousal subsides.
Second confirmation: Guys don’t do it for me, Kai does it for me.
But now I’m horny with a soft dick. And as for right now, Pornhub and I aren’t on speaking terms.
Returning my laptop to the nightstand, I grab my phone and open the picture Mavis sent me. The neckline of her bodysuit is so low cut it even makes her small tits look plump. And fuck, her nipples are hard.
Remembering what they’d felt like as I ran my tongue over them in the first class bathroom, my hand lowers to my cock. Stroking myself, I study the line of her tiny waist as it curves out to her thick thighs.
With real-life memories abounding, I lock my phone and toss it aside.
Imagining she’s at work in the bar, I approach her from behind and kneel. Grabbing the fishnet tights, I rip a gaping hole in them before pushing the bodysuit aside and digging my tongue into her cunt.
Dick fully hard, I pump myself faster.
I’ve had the real thing and nothing will ever compare, but it still doesn’t feel like all the other times I’ve fucked myself to the memories of girls’ past. Grit and determination will get me there, but who wants to feel like they’re floundering when they come?
I know what I want.
There’s no point denying it any longer.
Pushing Mavis aside, I’m back in the empty kitchen—its bland color palette making me feel insignificant. Standing just inside the door as I had this morning, I don’t startle when Kai whispers in my ear. Instead, I sink into it. Our bodies are so close, yet still too far to touch.
His lips graze over my ear lobe before he pulls back.
A breathy sigh escapes me.
Next, his hand is against my back, guiding me and repeating all the same words from earlier.
He calls me dumb and I bite back.
He says I’m feisty and I want to prove it.
I take the knife from the cutlery drawer, but this time I don’t relinquish my grip on the silverware.
He tugs at my hand, and I stare him down—pulling his grip back.
I smirk, silently daring him to fight harder.
He does.
His grip moves to my wrist, and he yanks me forward.
Our chests press together.
Our noses almost touch.
Dialogue is out the window because the mere thought of close contact so innocent has me furiously pumping towards climax.
I focus on his lips. So supple for a man’s, and I can almost feel his breath against mine as his chest rises and falls.
With one hand still around my wrist, he uses the other to grab my ass and heaves my hips towards his. He’s so strong. Dominant.
I dig my fingers into my thigh—gripping as harshly as I want him to.
I can feel his hard-on against my own. Big. Confronting.
Hot.
I gasp.
It’s almost too much.
My heart is pounding so hard I feel like I need to hold my breath so my lungs don’t take up too much room.
But I still want more.
I’m so close to coming, but I lower my grip and push through.
My free hand moves to my balls, tugging them gently.
I want Kai’s touch on me.
I need to know what it feels like to be jerked off by him.
He’d know when to speed up or slow down and—
I wanna know how his lips feel wrapped around my cock…
Suddenly, he’s kneeling between my legs on the bed.
His hand is around me.
He leans forward, the same cocky simper he always wears on his face as he runs the tip of his tongue over my slit.
Then he kisses it, the plump pinkness of his lips separating before circling his tongue around the head.
My hips buck, subconsciously craving him.
I want to know the warmth inside his mouth. What his throat feels like when I force my way deeper. If he’d gag on me. If he’d love being used.
My hand moves in time with the bobbing of his head.
Then he pulls back, licking his lips. “Come for me, Jess. My belly needs your cum.”
I’m there. He’s back on me.
I coat the back of his throat.
He thanks me for it…
I’m a panting mess.
My hand relaxes and hits the mattress as an eerie serenity washes over me.