20. CHAPTER TWENTY
I’ve never deserved a day alone so much in my life.
Torture is the only way I can describe the past week. An emotional fucking roller coaster of hate and uncontrollable lust. It must be how stalkers feel being so close to the one they want but never able to actually have them. Except, from my point of view, I’m not getting anything out of the relationship. Sure, the person being stalked doesn’t tend to know it’s happening, but the stalker gets off on manipulation, reactions, and stolen trinkets. What do I get? The person I want right in front of my face. I could reach out and touch him if I wanted, but my well of fulfillment is drier than a nun’s vagina.
But then, there’s the way he looks at me when he thinks I won’t notice. Or the way he’ll pick a fight with anyone who dares talk to me with even the slightest suggestion of intent…
I hate how he lets everyone else know I’m off limits, but fuck, I’d miss it if he stopped.
It’s toxic how much I get off on it. How easily I’d crumble to him if he just said the word.
I’m his needy whore, and it’s my little secret.
Hah … If Mum could see me, she’d have a conniption.
Her son—so willingly powerless. Destroying the image she worked so hard to create.
God, that turns me on more than it should…
“Kendrick, get your hand off your cock and take them out!”
“Meh,” I mumble into my headset—allowing my player to remain idle while fetching my last beer from the bedside table. “You take this one,” I offer, swigging down the can in one go.
“You better have a ten out of ten between your legs.”
I throw the empty can at the bin but miss. “When was the last time you saw your mum?”
“Fuck off. My dad’d kill you.”
“He likes to watch.” Rubbing salt into the wound, I exit the game before PussyMagnet69 has a chance to reply, and spring to the bathroom because I’ve needed to piss for the past half hour. I don’t care what anyone says, there’s no better relief in the world than being able to pee after holding it in. It’s fucking ecstasy.
Hands washed, I look at myself in the mirror wearing only my underwear—cause it’s the most comfortable attire to game in. You look good; I tell myself with a nod and run the tips of my fingers over my abs. They’re not overly pronounced, more skinny-boy than anything else. But I’ve got good thighs, a decent set of shoulders, and, fuck it, I’ve got nice hands, too. Plus, I’m strong. Uncharacteristically, so. Romi and Saxon have six inches on me in height, but I’ve always had them beat when it comes to strength. And not because I put in the effort. The pair of them are always in the gym, where I tend to get my exercise virtually. But for some unknown reason, it’s my right hook that ends most of the fights Saxon gets us into.
Moonwalking out of the bathroom, I shoot myself finger guns in the mirror because I’m amazing. Afternoon tipsiness aside.
Back in my room, I hear Kai’s door close and engage sleuth mode, because the six beers made me do it.
Eye to the spyhole, I see him—sexy as ever—and sigh. But then, fuck. Did he hear me? Because he stalled after taking only two steps and is turning towards me. Or my door, more specifically. Convinced he can see me even though there’s no way he can, I hold my breath, but can’t pull away. Even through the distorted fisheye, I can see how tortured he is as he runs his hand through his perfectly imperfect, faded blue locks.
Hmpf. Serves him right, I think to myself, all bratty and indignant. But then I almost lose my balance when he braces his weight on either side of my door frame and… sighs. I know I heard it. So before I can think it through, my liquid courage is taking over and I’m twisting the door handle.
“You know, it’s rude to loiter around outside people’s bedrooms,” I say smugly, tossing the door open and mirroring his position. My hands only just below his.
Kai springs back, the look of surprise on his face vanishing instantly as he drinks me in.
Gratified, I smirk, and cross my arms over my chest. Knowing full well, it makes my biceps look bigger. “Like what you see? It’s okay to touch.”
Forcing his hands into his pockets, Kai remains silent and strong. But his mouth betrays him and his tongue pokes through his lips and runs from side to side until his eyes are on my cock.
Deliberately, I adjust myself and smolder. “He’s getting excited. You’d have to expect that, though. With how you’re staring.”
“I… I’m…” Kai stutters, and I revel at seeing him flustered for a change.
Stepping back, I push my door open and lean against it, leaving enough room for him to enter. “All you have to do is come inside. I can tell you want to.”
“I can’t.” His hands are back on the door frame, almost like he’s physically stopping his body from giving in to me.
“Why not?” I step back to him, half expecting him to move away. And not doing it is his downfall. “It’s only the afternoon. No need for any awkward sleepover discussions,” I say coyly.
“That’s not fair, Jess.”
“Why?” I inch closer.
“It’s not fair to tease me like this.”
“And it was fair for you to lead me on, then hit the brakes with no explanation?”
Kai’s head tilts forward in what I know is shame, though it only brings his face closer to mine. “It’s not as straightforward as that… You… Fuck.” His breath hits my chest. “Jesse, you do things to me. And it’s too hard to explain.”
“Is it because I’m a guy?”
“No… Well… Yes, and no.” I look at his eyes, but they’re focused lower. Where? I’m not certain. “I want you more than I’ve ever wanted any girl. I mean, I still know I’m not gay, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling empty when I’m not near you. So… whatever the label is, that’s not what concerns me.”
“There’s no way I can understand unless you tell me what the problem is… If it’s not ‘cause we’re both guys, then what’s—”
“Yeah, I fucking know! I don’t care that you’re a dude. But also, you being one is the fucking issue! I just can’t—”
“What can’t you do?” The last few inches of air between us are forced out of the way as I press my chest against his. He’s trembling, and I know I am, too. But as he breathes in and pushes back against me, I know he has to feel how right this is.
“I… I…” He breaks away and stumbles backward, almost hyperventilating. “That was mean.”
“How? We both want each other. It’s fucking killing me that you’ve ignored me all week.”
“It’s been hard for me, too.”
Like fuck it has. “Seemed pretty easy from my point of view.”
“Well, it wasn’t,” he snaps back. “You’ve no idea what it’s like to be me.”
“That’s right! I don’t. But you only have yourself to blame. You won’t tell me a goddamn thing about yourself… Just let me in, Kai. I’m not going to hurt you.” I take another step in his direction and he stumbles back to his door.
“I… I can’t. Guys are… We can’t be trusted. We only think about one thing.”
“That’s not true. You hardly know me. You have to build trust.”
“No. Trust makes you weak… I’m sorry, Jesse. I can’t do this. It doesn’t matter how I feel. I don’t think I can ever be what you need me to be.” His voice softens. “Especially when it makes him right.”
“Him? Kai, you have no idea what I want. I don’t even know. But that’s what getting to know a person means. We might be horrible for each other, but we won’t know unless we try.”
“You’re right. I know you’re right! The whole fucking world knows you’re right. But that doesn’t help me. It doesn’t change what happened.” His eyes widen as his own words hit his ears. Gripping his shirt, he wrings the fabric firmly in his hands.
“Kai? I’m sorry for whatever happened to you. But that wasn’t me… It’s not now.”
“Don’t you think I fucking know that!?” he barks. “You’re not a genius. It’s not like I’m hearing this for the first time. I’m fucked. My whole life is fucked. And the sooner you accept that knowing me will only fuck your life over too, the better!”
“There’s no need to be rude. And you don’t get to dictate my feelings. You aren’t the only one on the planet hurting, Kai. You wanna talk about fucked up shit? I can share some stories, but it’s not a competition. Fine. I don’t know why you feel the way you do. But my heart broke on Monday night when you screamed for help.” Kai’s face pales in shocked horror. “I almost broke the door down. Then, when Alma came, I tried to get in to help you, but she wouldn’t let me.”
“Wha… What the fuck?” His chin trembles and his hands trace back and forth over the front of his thighs.
“Are you okay? You’re scaring me.” I move my hand towards him but rapidly retract it.
Kai looks like fear personified.
Every bone in my body wants to help him, but I’m scared of what he might do.
“Go back inside your room,” I tell him, as calmly yet assertively as possible.
Shaking his head, he just stares at the floor—his hands wound back in the fabric of his shirt.
“I’m leaving now, Kai,” I tell him, and slowly move backwards until my door is closed and my eye is back at the spyhole.
Nothing in my own life has ever warranted a reaction that strong. From Saxon, I’ve seen it. With Romeo… Close. Giant, screwed up situations aren’t new to me. But I can’t imagine what Kai thinks is too much for me to hear. Shit, even if he killed someone, I’d probably let it slide if he could convince me they deserved it.