34. CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Peace. Calm. Weightlessness.
Freedom—like a warm fuzzy blanket is wrapped around me and nothing and no one can ever hurt me again.
Nothingness surrounds me. No noise, no distractions, just light. Serene and never ending.
This is my place.
This is where I belong.
Just me, and… Who am I?
I bring my hand in front of my face and see creamy white, unblemished skin. Looking down, I run my fingers down my chest. I can feel it with my hand, but my body doesn’t recognize any sensation in return.
I slap my face, but only feel the sting against my palm.
I try to run my fingers through my hair but can’t feel it, so I dig in and scrape my nails across my scalp until I sense wetness.
My fingers are red. Blood and hair are wedged beneath the nails and something is dripping in my eye, but I have no compulsion to blink or wipe it away.
What is this place?
I run, but go nowhere.
I lookup, to the side, behind me.
There are drops of blood trailing. Floating in the air.
Again I claw at my head—ripping at it with both hands until they are coated. I flick them to see how far the blood flies, but despite my ferocity, it hangs in the air just beyond my fingers.
My vision is red now, so I tilt my head forward to watch more of myself float off into the ether that surrounds me.
“Hello?!” I scream, but hear no sound. Just the gravelly scratch of my vocal cords.
I try again with so much effort, my eyes lose focus.
Maybe I don’t like this place.
Maybe I need to leave.
I need to feel.
“Please! Let me go!” I cry… I think.
I fall to my knees and leave macabre handprints on the ground. But is it the ground? It looks the same as everything else, yet it’s solid.
I lean forward, and with all my might, I slam my head against it.
Splotches of crimson plasma whir around me as I bash my head, again and again, until the place that had so snugly embraced me is awash with torment and frenzy. Collapsing on my side, I slowly blink as the radiance around me fades. And throbs of agony pulse through my body until there’s nothing but cold and darkness…
Wet and sore.
I open my mouth and hear the dehydrated squelch of my tongue and lips. Earth and copper fight to be the dominant taste as I moan—sucking in air like I’ve just been brought back to life.
My lungs struggle to fill as they strain against my crushed chest.
I gasp at the stabs. There’s so many.
I struggle to see. One of my eyes is swollen shut, but with the other I can see its morning.
There’s dirt and a little grass.
Brown, and green, and red.
I try to move, and my feet fall from the bottom step.
How long have I been here?
Did Mum really not come to help?
I hope Blake didn’t see me.
“He’s pathetic, isn’t he?”
Dad?
“He was practically begging us to do it.”
Josh?
“Not sure if I can blame you, son.” Dad slaps his hand down on Josh’s shoulder. “What man could be around four fine pieces of ass and not touch them? Only a faggot one. So I guess you did him a favor. He doesn’t have to lie to me anymore.”
Why are they together?
I push myself up on my forearms and scan the backyard.
“He’s probably gonna try to convince us he isn’t a homo even though he’s taken it up the ass from four different guys.”
Josh laughs at my father’s crass words. “He just laid there and took it, too.”
“I didn’t,” my voice cracks out like my ribs are breaking all over again. “I’m not.”
“Huh?” my father scoffs, squatting down near the entrance of his shed. “You’re not a queer boy?”
Josh pats him on the back. “I think that’s what he’s trying to say.”
“That’s a bit fucking rich when I know you’ve been fantasizing about ramming some British man’s cock down your throat.”
“I haven’t.”
“There’s no need to lie to us.” Josh stalks forward and leers condescendingly down at me. “We know all about it. How you want him to dominate you, choke you, force himself inside your mouth so hard you can’t breathe.”
“You know he cries like a little bitch?” Dad pipes up.
“Ha! Look at his face.” Josh points with a foul glee. “He’s worried about him.”
“Probably wants to know how we got him here.”
“I’ll admit, he put up a decent fight, but we still managed to hog-tie him.”
“He’s in the shed, Kai.” Dad stands, spits in disgust, and pushes the shed door open. “Why don’t you come say hello to your boyfriend?”
“Jesse,” my voice breaks again, but I drag myself forward—inch by inch—along the cold and wet ground.
“He thinks he can save him,” Josh chuckles, his hands resting on his knees as he creeps beside me.
“The pair of them are beyond saving.” My father walks to Jesse, whose stomach down on the concrete floor, and kicks him in the kidney.
He cries out for me to stop. To not worry about him. To focus on myself.
“If you’re so determined to make the journey, you can watch him get punished like you did.” Leaving my side, Josh enters the shed and starts unbuckling his belt.
“Don’t touch him!” I try to scream, but it’s nothing more than a whimper.
Dad marches towards me and grabs me by the hair, drags me into the shed, and tosses me on the floor beside Jesse. “There. You happy now? Now he can look you in the eye while he gets fucked by someone else.”
“I’m sorry,” I tell him.
“It’s not your fault…” His words are kind, no matter how untrue.
“I’ll kill you.”
“I’d like to see you try.” Wretched as ever, Josh rolls Jesse onto his side and starts tugging at his pants. Then, as if someone is manipulating my body like a marionette, I find a strength I shouldn’t have, and leap on him.