37. CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
I pace from Saxon’s door, back to the lift, and turn down the hallway towards Romeo’s room for the fiftieth time in the past ten minutes. Or maybe it’s been an hour. All I know is I slept late, tore myself away from Kai, walked down three flights of stairs, and have been loitering here ever since.
Ok, Jess, you can do it. Just go inside.
Two days ago, he finally apologized. Albeit right before asking a pretty huge favor of me, but the words I’m sorry coming from Saxon’s mouth are rarer than rocking horse shit, so I know he meant it. Fresh from Romeo finding out about Kai and me, it would have been a great time to spill the beans—the whole enchilada, and any other Mexican food-based puns you can think of—to Saxon. But any joy I’d amassed from that morning was ground into the dirt when he confirmed all the stories we had heard about Andy were true.
I have minimal experience dealing with her personally, and her intrusion into mine and Saxon’s conversation that day was more akin to being slapped with a wet fish than anything pleasant. She threw a mug at his head and tried to strangle him, for Christ’s sake. They converse in nothing but profanity and insults. And she has no ass at all to speak of, but he fucking stalks her everywhere she goes. She must have knocked back in whichever screw was loose, because I’m no closer to understanding what goes on inside that clusterfuck mind of his than I was back in Hackney.
Kai, on the other hand, won’t say a word about her. He’s always been team Andy, but only nodded silently when I relayed Saxon’s story. And he’s refused to help me in any way with this virtually impossible mission Saxon has me on…
But today is about me.
No, Andy.
No mummy and daddy issues.
No, I hate working the night shift, whining from Saxon .
“Get the fuck inside, you creeper.” Saxon throws the door open and walks back inside his room with all the malice of a kitten playing with a sock.
Kicking the door closed behind me, I lean sideways at the end of the small entryway and eye the Nintendo 64 console hooked up to the smallest TV I’ve ever seen.
“Goldeneye? Really?” I ask with a, you know, you’re about to get creamed, look.
With a roll of his eyes, Saxon slides from the edge of his bed to the floor and moves the red controller from beside the TV to the empty space between us. “Just shut up and play.”
I kick off my shoes and make myself comfortable beside Saxon as he selects the two-player option.
“Rock, paper, scissors, for who gets Natalya?” he asks, holding out his fist towards me.
“I’ll take her.” I smugly wave off his hand. “You’ll need all the help you can get.”
“Ever the smug little shit. So suddenly boastful for someone who hasn’t picked up yet.” Knowing Saxon as well as I do, I can hear every calculated nuance like his words’ hidden meanings are being blasted at me through loudspeakers.
An hour.
An hour is all it takes to break my almost fifteen year undefeated record… Four times!
“Oh, come on!” I yell, throwing the controller to the floor.
“What can I say, Jess? You should probably get laid as well if you wanna improve your game… Kai would probably let you hop on.”
Smug fucker. He’s held his composure the whole time. And even now, he’s flicking through the game options like he said nothing untoward.
Thrown for a response, I know I’m not helping my cause. But without Kai by my side to ease the blow of possible rejection, my inner saboteur is refusing to let Saxon win even though it’s exactly the bloody reason I’m here in the first place.
“C’mon, your lips are tighter than a duck’s ass,” Saxon urges, his tone more contrite as he rests his head on my shoulder. “This isn’t like you.”
Sighing, I run my fingers across my forehead before dragging them down my face.
I already know he knows and I’m stupid for ever thinking he didn’t, but I can be a real spiteful cunt when I want to be. And right now, I’m not sure if I’ve made him pay enough for running his mouth at The Donegal and dragging us into his mess.
“It’s Kai, isn’t it?”
Oh, for the love of god!
Pulling away from Saxon, I gather my knees to my chest and rest my chin on them as I stare blankly ahead.
“Jess… You twat. We don’t care. You know we’d never judge you for shit like this.”
Fuck you, Saxon. Sometimes you really piss me off when you say the exact right thing.
“I get it. You’re confused that you’re a bender now—“
“I’m not bent!”
“Ha, got ya to talk.”
“Fuck you.”
“That’s Kai’s job,” he utters skillfully before continuing. “I don’t think you’re gay, if that’s what you wanna hear. Not the whole way, anyhow. Not that Romi and I would give a monkeys if you were… You’re just…confused? Bisexual, maybe?”
But I’m not confused. Not anymore.
I know exactly where my sexuality lies.
I love women—worship them and their juicy backsides. But Kai is my special place. That one person in the world that was created just for me.
“Look, I don’t have all the answers but surely one of the thousand new terms that’re being thrown around would fit.”
“I don’t care about labels. And I don’t care what people think about me, or call me, as long as I’ve still got you guys.”
“Um, all your shit’s still at my house.”
Releasing a much more relaxed breath, I swivel on the carpet and push Saxon with my feet out of both frustration and thanks. “I’m so fucking obsessed by him,” I spew out. “It’s exhausting.”
“Stop it, would ya?” Saxon slaps the bottom of my foot. “Just get out of your own head and do whatever the fuck you want. This is our year to do with as we please. Romi and I have your back and if you and Kai wanna rub your dicks together, dock, give each other rim jobs—all that fruity stuff. Have at it! Don’t let us hold you back. Go and be rainbow fish together.”
A contagious laugh erupts and Saxon grabs me by the ankle and yanks me towards him. Hand in my hair, he messes it up—dragging it down over my face before tackling me to the ground.
“Just one more thing.” He looks down at me with a half-cocked grin. “You better get a shit-ton of lube. Cause, Jess, I hate to tell ya, but you’re definitely the bottom in this pairing.”
“Oh my god,” I groan, squirming beneath him. “Don’t you think I know that? Why the hell do you think I haven’t had a shag yet? We’re at total loggerheads… But…”
“Yeah?”
“Some real awful shit happened to him when he was younger. So it’s not like I can expect him to let me climb on.”
“Shit, man.” Saxon sits up and rubs the back of his neck with no intention of getting off of me. “He might come around… One day.”
“Yeah, maybe.” But I don’t even believe my own words.
“It is a little hypocritical of you, though.”
“Excuse me?” I cough.
“Did you not defile Mavis’s dumper?” He reaches out and taps my cheek, all self-righteous and totally correct. “And she’d never done it before. And she fucking loved it?” he mocks my posh, but still West Country, accent.
That’s it. Stubborn Jesse is back with a vengeance.
What happened with Mavis is completely different—
“C’mon. Give it a try.” Saxon holds down one of my arms while rubbing his index finger under my chin. “You might love getting your prostate tickled.”
“Enough.” I wiggle my hand free and push him off of me. “When I hear you’ve let Andy peg you, we can talk about it further.”
“That does sound kinda hot.” His eyes wander upwards as he pretends to give it some serious thought. “But… I’d rather just stick a dildo in her cunt while I fuck her in the ass.”
“Aren’t you a delight? Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?”
“The bitch wishes.”
“She’d probably wanna charge you for it.”
“You’re a fucking menace,” Saxon says with a tight smile as he sits back against the bed—letting me know our conversation has reached its limit.
“Come on,” I say, picking up the controller again. “Round five. Get ready to have your ass handed to ya.”
Sliding the key into Kai’s door feels like home in the way that if someone else says it, it sounds like the cringiest thing you’ve ever heard. But if it comes from you, you get uncharacteristically sentimental.
The two people in the world who mean more to me than any other have given me the green light to be—and be with—whomever I want. Not that I was ever really seeking their approval or I wouldn’t have kissed Kai in the first place.
Locking the door behind me, I can see the bottom half of Kai’s bare legs as he sprawls out on his bed.
His room is identical to mine in practically every way. A mirror image. The same dated desk and procured chair sit along the wall opposite the semi-double bed made up with old hotel linens. The god-awful curtains I’ve spent far too many hours staring at while contemplating my life hang loosely at the window. The small wardrobe and chest of drawers have been rearranged, but in Kai’s case, they actually house his clothes because he’s grown up enough to put them away. Small sketches of black and white images that he’s ripped out of magazines are stuck to his wall in what I can only assume is a what’s next in his list of tattoos. And his room holds onto a faint aroma of cigarettes, which strangely is the only time I ever smell it anymore. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen Kai smoke at all recently.
“How’d it go?” he beckons from the bed, and a smile creeps onto my face at the sound of his voice.
Watching as the hand that had been holding his phone drops from his chest to the mattress, I stop to take him all in—only in his underwear and looking like an absolute dream. My eyes linger on the bare patches of skin on his thighs where some of those tattoos might go, and I have a sudden compulsion to grab a Sharpie and scribble my name there instead.
“So?” he asks again, like he isn’t sex on a fucking stick laid out before me.
Sombering my face, I kick off my shoes, then rummage through his desk drawer. “A little demoralizing at first.”
Kai frowns cutely and holds his arms out to me. “What happened?”
Tucking the felt-tip pen I found in my back pocket, I fall onto his chest, nuzzle into him, drape my leg across his, and let out an overly defeated sigh. “He knew exactly what the fuck was up.”
Without saying a word, Kai strokes my back, and the energy permeating from his body into mine is like nothing else I’ve ever experienced. It’s like… intimacy on another level. In complete silence, he’s able to give me everything I’ll ever need. And it makes me feel almost guilty for my little ruse.
“Yeah, we played Goldeneye, and I lost to him four times before he finally stopped teasing me,” I pout like a child. And the second I finish talking, the hand that had been so tenderly caressing the line of my spine swiftly rises to clobber me in the back of the head. Which I deserve, but it still hurt.
“Don’t get rough with me, motherfucker,” I growl down at him from my new position, straddling his stomach and pinning both his hands down.
“You’ve obviously never swapped stories with Cleo, then.” Still and calm as can be, Kai’s eyes squint ever so lightly with authority. “I’ve been going gently on you this whole time, Pretty Boy.”
Kai’s obvious oral fixation has had me taking the dominant lead so far. But strangely, the thought of him forcing himself on me because he just needs to have me so goddamn badly has the base of my spine itching. “You gonna give me those bruises I asked for?”
“That depends. Are you telling me you’re gonna let me fuck you?”
The rumbling bubbles up my back, into my chest, then my throat—tightening like a hangman’s noose.
I think it does.
“I’m not saying no, but I’m not saying yes yet either.” My head bows in feigned contemplation.
Slipping his hands from beneath mine, Kai crawls his fingers over my knees to my thighs and makes his way to grab my hips. “I think that’s one step closer to knowing how good it feels to be inside you.”
Jesus fucking Christ on a motorbike!
My stomach shouts again, except this time, it’s a ravenous roar that drowns out the screaming of my cock for fulfillment.
“I think he’s trying to tell me something.” Kai’s large palm creeps beneath my shirt and presses flat against my stomach, and a spark—hidden to the untrained eye—appears in the corner of his left eye.
“Oh, really?” I play along. “And what is he trying to say?”
“That he wants you to go get dressed in something hot. Preferably your tightest jeans, if you want my opinion.”
“Why? So you can have fun peeling them off before I deny you what I know you want most?”
“God. Is it always about sex with you?” With a huff, he rolls his eyes, turns his head away, and tries his best to act offended.
“Hard not to be when I’m dating the sexiest thing on two legs… But seriously. You wanna head over to The Donegal? Should I see if Romi wants to—”
A finger presses to my lips, hushing me. “I’m trying to ask you out, you fucking clown,” he smirks, dragging my bottom lip down as he removes his finger. “Just me and you. The Christmas lights have started in town and… I thought it would be nice.” An almost too overly masculine edge weighs down the final words of his invite. And it’s so bloody cute how he’s trying to cover up his sensitivity and embarrassment at wanting to do something sweet.
“That sounds great,” I say deeply, matching his tone as I scoot down his legs until I’m sitting on his shins. “Any more outfit requests?”
“Hair pulled back.” As I reach for the pen, I watch as Kai’s eyes travel around my face to loiter on my neck. “Boots. Your black Wranglers… That floral button-down that shouldn’t look good but on you is hotter than the sun. And your gray overcoat.”
I nod my approval and pull the pen cap off with my teeth.
“You’ll get a lot of attention, but at least you’ll look good on my arm.”
“Who says I’ll be on your arm?” I lean forward and bob my head to the side with more sass than I thought I had in me.
Beginning with a capital J, it’s only when it’s completed that I realize I started too big and have to switch to lower-case lettering for the rest of my name.
“You’re adorable when you’re trying to act in control.”
Are you forgetting how you crumble when my fingers are anywhere near your mouth?
“Who sucked who’s dick?” My sass continues unabated.
I sit up, return the pen’s cap, and toss it on Kai’s desk.
“Yeah, and I’ll let you in on a little secret…I fucking loved holding you in the palm of my hand. Didn’t think sucking cock would be something I’d like as much, but those noises you were making were irresistible.”
I gulp and fight every single urge swelling inside of me. “Do I at least get to pick your outfit?”
“Have at it, Pretty Boy.”
Goddamn it, I turn to mush every time he calls me that.
The sun is still setting when Kai pulls the van into one of the town’s backstreets. We’re just two blocks behind the high street, but it’s mostly residential, with some houses converted into small businesses and inns.
Offering me a chaste smile, Kai hops out of the van. Through the side mirror, I watch him stroll several meters down the footpath before looking back at me with a, you gonna follow me, Pretty Boy, smirk.
I know he said all eyes would be on me tonight, but with him around, I don’t see how anyone could look in my direction. Having requested he shave his undercut, the dark brown sides highlight the long indigo-blond that he styled messily back and to one side. I know Kai doesn’t have much money, but what few clothes he does have are well chosen, and look so much more than they’re worth hanging from his body.
I wrap a Burberry scarf around my neck as I climb out of the van, then meet Kai at the entrance of a narrow alley that leads through to the high street, where I kiss him. It’s not passionate, but it’s more than a peck. And when we part, he holds his left hand at waist height, spreads his fingers, and twists his wrist a few times. “Your choice. To hold, or not to hold.”
“Give me that,” I deadpan and snatch his hand, because what’s the point of having a hot-ass boyfriend if it’s only in the privacy of our bedrooms?
Through the alley I’m led, and part way through, we cross paths with a mother pushing a stroller, and I squeeze Kai’s hand nervously. Meeting her eyes, she nods with a kind smile, and I exhale the relief—and shame—from my body because I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to worry what strangers will think of me. Of us. But, fuck the world, because so many people are still filled with so much hate.
At the end of the alley, Kai stops, turns to me, and pecks my lips softly. “Thanks for coming. It’s my first ever date… So, yeah…”
My nostrils flare and my lips press together as I try to not smile too hard. “No one is ever going to believe how sweet you are.”
“Good. I’ve spent a lot of time building my brooding and cocky image.”
“Well, I’m honored to be your first date, anyway. But I’m starving, and I might have to eat you if you don’t feed me soon.”
Kai squeezes my hand and shakes his head like he’s contemplating whether or not to take me back to the van and forget about dinner. “You’re killing me,” he says, biting his lip, but ultimately drags me out of the alley and onto the footpath.
Instantly, my eyes light up like a Christmas tree—which is ironic, because the narrow alpine street looks more festive than Regent Street in London. Both ends are barricaded so no cars can enter, and the ground is covered in the lightest dusting of snow. Hung overhead between the buildings are millions of white and blue lights. Every tree that lines the footpath twinkles, and craft and food stalls are set up the whole stretch of the street.
It’s only after I’ve taken it all in that I notice Kai’s eyes on me, and how they’re beaming with the satisfaction of my surprise, making me want to kiss him all over again.
“C’mon, this way.” He jerks his head. And as I follow, I accept my story is being rewritten by an inked god in excessively baggy cords and black Chuck Taylors, and that I’m pretty sure I’d follow him anywhere…
For the next year…
Until Uni starts again. Because I can’t expect him to move to the other side of the world for me…
“I hope you like Japanese.”
Chinese or Indian I’d expect, but a Japanese restaurant seems a little unusual for such a small town.
“I don’t know if I like it,” I admit, despite Saxon being half-Japanese. “If it isn’t sushi, I’ve never tried it.”
“Well, prepare to have your mind blown.”
Past the delicious smells wafting out of the stalls, Kai guides me to the end of the street, where many people have brought folding chairs and are sitting watching a band perform on a temporary stage. Between the last two buildings, I’m pulled into an even more compact alley until we enter a weird back street. To our right, there’s an external wooden staircase, and my eyes narrow as Kai starts walking towards it.
“Don’t you trust me?” he fake sulks.
More than you’ll ever know. “Can’t say I’ve been to many back alley, second floor restaurants with no signs.”
“Isn’t London full of this shit?”
“Yeah, but only posers ever go to them.”
“Fine. If you wanna miss out on the best meal of your life, we can go somewhere else,” Kai says bluntly, pulling me back towards the high street.
I tug my hand from his and stubbornly cross my arms—playing along. “No. I wanna go here.”
“Alright, if you insist.” Kai rolls his head, then raises his arms and whacks them against his thighs in a fake huff.
The stairs are so tight we have to climb them single file, and at the top, Kai taps his hand against a small piece of metal on the door. “See, they do have a sign.”
Inside, I’m punched in the face with the intensity of smells, smoke, and atmosphere. No bigger than our rooms at the resort, bench seats line each side with stools opposite them, long flat-top grills run between the seats, and at the far end is a small bar and kitchen.
“Ah, Mr. Kai,” an elderly woman’s voice cuts through the j-pop and conversation as she hobbles towards us with her arms held out.
“Good to see you, Tanaka-San,” Kai replies, accepting her hug.
She waves her arm, “Come, come,” and guides us to the last open seats right next to the bar. “You having same, or you want to look at menu?” she asks like her words are racing against Usain Bolt as she waves the laminated sheets in her hand.
“Still feisty as ever, Tanaka-San.” Kai cheekily snatches the menus from her. “We’ll start with two Sapporo draughts, and I’ll let this one know what’s good.”
“Don’t speak to me like that.” She pulls on his ear. “You know everything here is good.” Then, with an overzealous cackle, she disappears into the kitchen.
My forehead crinkles as I accept the menu from Kai. “I thought I was your first date?”
“You are.”
“So Mr. Regular comes here alone?”
“Sometimes I do.” He shrugs.
“So how did you find out about this place, then?”
“Japanese chick I was fucking.” Averting my gaze, I watch as he studies the menu.
“Hmm. First date, my ass.”
Two glasses are slammed down between us, interrupting my interrogation.
“We’ll start with the veggie gyoza, then have the chicken yakisoba and the wagyu okonomiyaki.” Kai gestures to me. “Do you want anything else?”
I haven’t even looked at the fucking menu.
Straight-faced, I hand him back the menu as Tanaka-San squats down to click on the gas beneath our table.
“Full hot in ten minutes, gyoza in five,” she barks before waddling off again.
“Were you ever going to ask my opinion?”
“No. I had no idea what to get when Yuki first brought me here—”
“Ha! See? A date!”
“Eating dinner with a person you’re fucking, a date does not make.”
“But eating dinner with someone you aren’t fucking, does?”
Hovering his hand above the grill—feeling its warmth—Kai kicks me under the table. “I don’t know if you’re fishing, or just being a dense cunt. But you know I’m not the best with my feelings, so I don’t feel like spelling everything out for you.”
“Then suppose I’m dyslexic,” I say dryly.
Touching his fingertips to the grill top, Kai leaves them there until he can’t handle the heat anymore, and rubs his thumb against them. “When I came here with Yuki, I wanted food, not her company. I didn’t care what I looked like. I didn’t even shower after we fucked… You…You’re the first relationship I’ve ever had. You get to see my vulnerability. I actually want to spend time with you outside of my bed.”
Running his fingertips over the condensation on his glass, Kai then raises it to his lips and I realize this is the first time I’ve ever seen him drink.
“Why are you drinking?”
“Because I like to.”
“Why didn’t you any of the other times we’ve been out? You could have had a couple and still been fine to drive.”
“Never felt safe enough.”
“What?”
Putting his glass back on the table, Kai continues to swirl his fingers over it instead of meeting my gaze. “I was terrified that first night the four of us went to the bar… Back in Romeo’s room when you were putting him to bed, I… I couldn’t breathe… I couldn’t move… I was just stuck to the wall all pathetic and helpless, just like I was back then…It’s one of the reasons I pulled away from you.” Raising his beer again, Kai downs the remainder in one go and exhales all the tension from his chest. “Don’t ask me to do that again, you cute, insecure, little prick.”
“Veggie gyoza,” Tanaka-San bellows as she slides the fried dumplings off her spatula and onto the grill. “One more Sapporo,” she sings—clinking Kai’s empty glass against my mostly full one, asking, you too?
I shake my head and she’s gone before I can say, ‘No, thank you’.
Following Kai’s lead, I pour some soy sauce into the small shallow dish in front of me, then take the second bottle marked 'vinegar’, and add it as well.
“Chili?” he asks, removing the lid of a small pot and showing me the hundreds of seeds and red flakes inside.
I shake my head faster than Tanaka-San talks, because me and spicy food do not mix.
Continuing to follow along, I take a pair of chopsticks and fumble with them until I manage to hold on to a gyoza long enough to dip it in the sauce. “Fuck, that’s hot,” I gasp, sucking cool air into my mouth and waving my hand in front of it.
“What did you expect?” Kai laughs, despite doing the same. “Good though, hey?”
I nod, blowing on the other half I’m still holding.