Chapter Seven
Debi
Falling in love is a lot more fun than I thought it would be.
Jenna and I write lots of songs about heartbreak and the hard edge of love. Funny because until recently, neither one of us had a clue about it. We dated boys during high school for sure, but none of them ever made a difference in our lives. They never challenged us or made us grow at all.
Being with Devin is different than I thought being with someone would be like. You hear about romance all the time. You never get to see it or feel it. Devin is all about romance. He sent flowers, got my favorite caramels, he opens doors, and always holds my hand.
He also does things to my body that I am growing addicted to. We lie in bed for hours, his hands on me, his mouth, giving each pleasure until we’re exhausted. I want more but he sets limits. I am not sure if he is just trying to drive me mad with need or wants to convince me he’s a good guy.
Good guy or not, I want to bang him.
Chuckling at my own thoughts as I circle the rink, I can’t help my smile when I look at him. He skates backwards, nodding his head to the Mariah Carey song filling the skating rink as he shows off on his skates. Laughing, I push faster to catch up to him, playfully pushing him as I sing with the song.
“ You've got me feeling emotions ,” I harmonize as we spin on the floor, colored lights twirling over us. “ Deeper than I've ever dreamed of. ”
Devin grins big because the lyrics fit us perfectly. Holding hands, our fingers woven tightly together, we circle the floor to a dozen more songs. I sing them because that is what I do, and he draws me close to kiss me or presses his mouth to my neck as he holds me against him. We’re in perfect harmony with one another as we behave like young kids in love.
Because we are. Two kids falling in love even if it is the scariest thing we’ve ever done.
“Want to go grab some pizza?” I suggest with a nod at the concession stand. The smell of pepperoni and the sweet marina has been enticing me.
“Sure, baby, whatever you want.”
Skating to the edge of the floor, he steps up first, turning to help me up. I swear, he is the best guy I have ever met. He does all the things men in those sappy romance movies do. I have no idea how I get to be the girl he chooses, but I am not giving him up.
Gliding across the neon rainbow carpet, we laugh about how unstable we are on our skates at our old age compared to the other kids filling Skateland. At the concession stand we quickly order before I see a familiar face that strikes me cold. All the music, all the noise, and all of the laughter around me fades to silence.
A cold sweat breaks out on my back, and I begin to shake. Not here, not now, not while I'm with him. My stomach knots once I see the recognition twist her weathered face. Well, shit. There is no way to escape this trainwreck now. It is too late.
Devin grabs me and pulls me close, his eyes searching my face full of worry. I wish that he did not read me so well. That he just this once could overlook the clear signs of the panic I am in.
What I really wish is that we were anywhere else. If I could be anywhere else this very second, anywhere else at all in Pine Grove I would rather be there. Sucking in a shaky breath, I start to tell him it is time to go. That I have had enough skating, that our date is over.
I am seconds from lying right to his handsome face.
“Baby, what is it? What is going on?”
“N-no, nothing is wrong,” I stammer as I watch that crooked, wicked smile as she approaches us. “We just…I just need to go. We need to go right now. Please, can we just…”
Devin turns his head as if he feels her slithering over here. Once he sees her, his eyes snap back to mine. Complete horror washes over me because he sees what has shaken me up. It just confirms my worst fears. He can look at her and see the connection to me. He can see that she is tied to me, tied to my trauma, to the emptiness inside of me.
I am crushed. Destroyed. Because if he can look at me and see her then my fears that I will ultimately become my mother were true. It is the same fear that created that cavern, that ache inside of me, refusing to ever let me be happy. Just. Like. Her.
“Well, look who it is sweet little girl,” she drawls with that thick accent that I trained out of myself.
“No. Nope. You do not get to talk to me get to pretend as if you know me. You never knew me. Forget I exist because for you, I don’t I never did,” I break off on a sob before I force it down. I will not let her see me this way. I won’t let anyone see me this way.
“Oh, I know you, little girl. I made ya’, didn’t I? Looks like you got your claws into a nice one here, huh? You say I never did nothing for you but looks as if I taught you something after all, didn’t I?
Spinning on the skates, I tower over her crooked frame as I glare down at her. “I learned nothing from you. I am nothing l ike you .”
“Sure, you did, little girl. Out here with a man, having him take care of you. Ain’t that just what I taught you, girl? Ain’t that all I know?”
“Well, you sure as hell don’t know how to be a fucking mother. Or a loyal wife. A decent human being. Crawl back under whatever rock you came out from under.”
“Ah, cry, cry you spoiled little bitch.”
“Whoa,” Devin moves in front of me protectively. I have no idea how to take it. I want to tell him to go, to leave, to never look back and forget about me the way my mother did. Another part of me wants to hide behind him forever because I am tired of not being protected. “You’re not going to talk to her that way. Not in front of me. Do what she asked—go back to wherever the hell you were hiding. Debi does not need you.”
“Ooh, big man,” she cackles, sucking at the cigarette stuffed between her dirty fingers. “Might not protect her if you know what trash she is.”
“If you were a man, I’d clean your fucking clock,” Devin growls at her, moving his arms behind him to wrap them around me. “You keep talking I might just forget. Get lost—and fucking stay lost.”
My mother gapes up at him with that worn face, those glassy eyes, and then she huffs and brushes past us. She never says another word. I am shaking. No. No, it is not me shaking. It is Devin. His big body shudders as he keeps me pressed to his back, his hands tight on my waist.
“Calm down, baby,” I whisper, rubbing my hands down his tense back. “She is gone.”
Tears fall from my eyes as that sob rips out of me at last. I fall against his back, my arms closing around his shoulders. We’re moving but I don’t even care. I just hold him tight, afraid to life my head, to see what is going on, afraid that everyone will be watching us.
They were always watching me. Talking about me. Whispering mean, hateful things about the poor girl with the drunkard mother. Everyone in town knew her. She was always out making scenes at all the bars, trying to hustle money on the corners, offering all she had to get another drink.
We’re in shadows, the place we always wind-up in. Devin moves, spinning us on our skates. Pressing me against the glowing neon wall, he lowers his head to press his brow to mine. I grab fistfuls of his shirt, tugging him closer, holding him as if I’m afraid he might slip away.
“Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me alone, Devin. Please. I couldn’t…I could not stand it if you left me now,” I am shivering as he crushes his hard body against mine, as if he knows I need to feel that he’s there.
“I won’t. I would never. I will never. You are not her. Baby, you are not that woman, and you never will be. I will never ever let her get close to you again. I swear to you. Look at me, Debi, look at me baby,” he demands, the tone giving me no choice but to obey. I see the truth in his light eyes, and I nod. “I promise. You never have to see her again if you don’t want to.”
“I don’t,” I sob, hiccupping as I burrow my face against his chest. “I hate her. I hate her. I tried not to for a long time. For too long. I just…I do, I hate her. I never want to be her. I am not her,” I rush my words out, remembering what she said about using men. “I swear to you, I am not using you. I am not…you do not have to take care of me. I am going back to school. You do not have to take care of me.”
“Oh, baby, yes I do,” he husks, startling me as he cradles my face in his big hands. “That is what we do when we fall in love, ain’t it?”
We’re both total wrecks, cuddled up in the corner of Skateland. Music pumps through the bubblegum, popcorn scented air. It could be just another summer night just like a hundred I spent before. Hiding out here or the mall. Staying at Jenna’s as long as I could.
It is not just another summer night. Not another night where I have to hide out or lie to myself about what was going on at home. I stopped pretending a long time ago. Pretending she would get sober for me. That she would change for me. Show me she cared about me.
“Let me get you home, baby. We need to talk.”
Suddenly I want to skate off the way I would have when I was a young girl. Tell this boy to get lost and pretend I did not care he was judging me. I had to grow thick skin. Become tough. Put on dark makeup to hide my sadness, sing about broken hearts and homes.
But I don’t run off to pretend I am not falling apart. I do not tell him to get lost; I would be lost without him. I do care what he thinks about me, what he could be feeling about me. And I do not want to be tough or hide my sadness. I don’t want another broken heart.
I hoped we had found a home with each other—now I fear it was all just broken.