Chapter Three
It was nearly nine o’clock when we finally returned to the bench. A part of me knew it was time to say goodbye and that we should just leave it at that. Another part of me didn’t want to let today go without the promise of another. But today was perfect, and I felt like if I tried pursuing anything more it would seem less magical, and I wanted to remember this day as just that. Magical.
“I guess I should go,” I said reluctantly. “Thank you for an amazing day. Really.”
“Can I walk you to your car?” he asked.
“My car is just right there.”
“Oh.” He looked as disappointed as I felt at not having any excuses to prolong the moment. “Can I give you my number?” he asked.
“Yes, hold on.” I pulled my phone out of my pocket and realized it was dead. That was probably a sign.
“Here, I’ll put yours in mine,” he said before realizing that his phone was also dead. He laughed a little. “Wait!” he said suddenly. He pulled out his receipt from the bookstore bag and scribbled his number on the back. “There we go.”
“How old school,” I said, taking the thin receipt from him. “I’ll text you once I get my phone charged so you have my number too.”
“I guess this is goodbye, then.” He held out his hand, and I smiled a little as I shook it.
“Bye, Tobias.”
He squeezed my hand ever so gently, then just as slowly pulled me in closer to him and lightly kissed the top of my head before walking away.
At that moment I thought I might melt right into the cold ground. I made the decision to walk straight to my car without turning around for fear that I would be tempted to do or say something that I would be really embarrassed by later. It was hard, but I was trembling so much that I knew if I didn’t completely focus on putting one foot in front of the other, I would fall over. I unlocked the door to my Impreza, and as I started to open the door a gust of wind blew it wide open and the receipt with his number right out of my hand.
“Oh!” I tried to catch it, but it was no use. It was gone.
Maybe it’s better this way, I thought to myself. This way he doesn’t get the chance to disappoint me. Feeling utterly disappointed, I started my car and headed back to campus.
When I returned to my dorm room, he was there waiting for me. I wasn’t surprised, though that did nothing to appease my annoyance.
“Hello, Dad,” I greeted, with as much disdain as I could muster.
“Where have you been? I’ve been trying to call you all day,” he demanded.
“I know,” I said, crossing my arms protectively across my chest.
“I have been worried sick.”
“Sorry, I just got tired of waiting for you.”
“I’m sorry I was late, but you would’ve known why had you answered your phone,” he countered.
“What sort of crisis kept you this time? Let me guess? Something to do with Blair, I’m sure,” I said, bitingly.
Blair was Dad’s new trophy wife, and ever since they got together I have been low on his priority list. She was everything my mom wasn’t. Tall. Blonde. Thin. Always had perfectly coiffed hair and shiny red lips. They met when she was still in graduate school—and while she was not taking one of his classes at the time, she was still technically a student. They waited until after she finished her dissertation before going public, but everyone knew it had been going on long before then. And even though she was not the reason my parents split—they had been unhappy long before she entered the picture—I still held on to the belief that she was the reason he stopped trying to make his marriage work, so I couldn’t bring myself to accept her. The whole thing was an embarrassment. Especially since they announced they were expecting a baby this spring. What nineteen-year-old wants to think about her father getting frisky with some twenty-something-?
Somewhere between believing in fairy tales and happily ever afters, and discovering that reality wasn’t always sunshine and roses, I grew up and accepted that all of that stuff about soulmates and true love was, well, a bunch of horse shit.
“I’m sorry I missed out on our plans again. Things are just a little crazy now. Forgive me?” he pleaded.
“Don’t I always?” I sighed. It wouldn’t be so upsetting if it wasn’t so expected, but what else could I say? These days, he was anything but dependable, and there wasn’t really anything I could do about it but accept it and not let the disappointment control my life.
“Thanks, Sweet Pea. I promise to make it up to you,” he said, though I knew it was just another promise he wouldn’t keep. “It’s late. I better get back home.”
“Yeah, sure. I should probably get some sleep.”
“I hope you … and your mother … have a good Christmas.”
“Thanks, Dad … you too.”
He left, and I entered the solitude of my dorm room. My roommate, Alex, had already left for break so the room was quiet, but I didn’t mind, especially after today. The quiet allowed me the freedom to think about the day … at least the good parts. I would have preferred not to have it tarnished by thoughts of the real world, but maybe it was good that my day ended on such a sour note. Maybe it would help ground me, bring me back to reality, because otherwise it would be easy to lose myself in the what-ifs. I plugged my stupid phone in and got to work packing for Christmas break. After I finished, I showered and slipped on my warmest flannel pajamas.
Before I got into bed, I grabbed the brown paper bag from the bookstore and pulled out Little Women. I lovingly placed it on my bookshelf next to my tattered copy of Leaves of Grass and smiled as my mind drifted back to Tobias.
What if I would have asked for his last name? At least then maybe I would be able to find him on social media.
What if …
Against my better judgment, I fell asleep thinking about all of the what-ifs I swore I wouldn’t.