Chapter Twenty-Three
My head was in a perpetual state of haze.
I was going through the motions of my life, but there was a disconnect; I was merely existing. I forced myself to keep going to class, even though I thought for sure Dr. Kiuchi hated me.I avoided eye contact with Tobias, afraid that if I looked at him my resolve would disintegrate and I’d rush into his arms.So every torturous day for the last four weeks of class, I was the last to arrive and the first to leave. Dr. Kiuchi had regraded all of my previous papers like Tobias had said he would. I managed to keep my low A. That was an uncomfortable conversation, but it could have been much worse if it had turned out that Tobiashad given me preferential treatment. Though anyone who knew Tobias would have known he would never have done that in the first place.
The only bright side of my gray state of existence was that Alex’s threat had kept Julie’s mouth shut, so at least there weren’t the whispered rumors I had previously feared. In fact, she seemed so worried that Alex was going to kick her ass if she made one wrong move that she didn’t even crane her neck to see the grade I got on my papers anymore. That was something at least, not that it made anything easier.
I missed him.
Does he miss me, too? I knew it wasn’t fair of me to wonder. After all, I was the one who ended it, but that didn’t stop me from doing so anyway.
The semester was over and there was no longer that obstacle keeping us apart, so what was keeping me from reaching out to him? From telling him that I was sorry and that I missed him? What would he say? Deep down, as much as I missed him, I knew there was a reason I was holding back. I just hadn’t quite figured out what that reason was yet. All I knew was that I was sad, and I had very little time to make up my mind before I was gone for the summer.
I found myself wandering around the bookstore he had taken me to that first day, but even the lure of books wasn’t enough to get him off of my mind. I was about to give up when I heard the chime of the door and happened to look up just in time to see his face.
His careful smile didn’t quite reach his hesitant eyes, as though waiting for my reaction.
“Hi,” I said softly.
“Hi,” he responded just as quietly.
It took every bit of self-control I had not to throw myself at him. I wanted nothing more than to be held in his arms once again. I wanted to tell himI missed him and that I loved him, but mostly that I was sorry.But this was not the place for any of that.
“Can we go somewhere?” I asked. “Private?”
My phone buzzed, but I ignored it.
“I know a place,” Tobias responded. He held open the door and then led me to his car. I knew we were far enough away from campus the chances of anyone seeing us were slim to none, but at this point what did it matter? Regardless, I still found myself glancing over my shoulder as I got into his car. Old habits die hard, I thought.
My phone buzzed again, and this time I looked. “It’s my dad.”
“Answer it. It could be important,” he said.
Reluctantly, I did. “Hey, Dad.”
“Tamsin! It’s time. We’re here at Mercy West. Blair is all checked into her room, and she’s doing great. Are you…?” I could tell he was struggling to ask, but eventually he spit it out. “I mean, did you decide…Are you going to be here to meet your brother?”
“I, uh, yeah, I mean…” I stammered, unable to focus enough to answer him. I needed to talk to Tobias. I bit my lip and looked up at Tobias who was staring at me with a curiously perplexed expression. I was certain the indecision was blatant on my face.
“I really want you here, kiddo,” Dad pleaded softly.
And I think that’s what finally convinced me. He said he wanted me there. Not we,as if he and Blair were one and the same, but singularly. It was important to him that I was there.
“Okay, yeah. I just need to go get my car, and I’ll head over.” I hung up with him and turned back to Tobias.
“What’s up?” he asked, and I knew he was probably confused by the bits of conversation he just heard.
“Blair is having her baby, and he wants me to be there,” I told him simply.
“Well, yeah, of course, he does. It’s a big day for him,” he said, thoughtfully cocking his head to the side. “But you don’t want to go?’
It still amazed me how clearly he understood me without me having to speak my every thought. He just knew.
“It’s not that I don’t want to,” I started to say. I mean, I wasn’t evil. I liked babies as much as the next girl, but this particular baby was the final nail in the coffin that was life as I had previously known it to be. There was no going back now. “Okay, it’s exactly that. I don’t want to. He’s starting a new family with his new wife, and I’m not sure exactly where I fit in that picture—or even if I want to.”
“I’m sorry. I get it,” he said astutely, “but I think you’ll regret it if you’re not there.”
“I don’t know,” I mumbled.
“Don’t think of the new baby as a barrier, but rather a bridge.”
“Don’t get all philosophical on me,” I said, only pretending to be annoyed because, let’s be honest, I kind of loved it when he went into teacher mode.
He smiled warmly in response to my tone before tenderly brushing a wayward hair out of my eyes. Just the smallest touch of his hand sent tingles down my spine, and I involuntarily shivered in response.
“Are you excited to meet your baby—sister? Brother? I’m not sure you ever said.”
“Brother.” I paused, giving myself time to think. “And honestly, I’m not sure. I mean it’s kind of weird. I’m going to be twenty this year...You know, I always wanted a baby brother. I just wasn’t expecting to be twenty years older than him.”
“I see your point,” he agreed thoughtfully.
“Plus, even though I know that my mom and dad aren’t getting back together, Dad having a baby with another woman sort of makes it more real, I guess. I don’t know if I’m explaining this properly.” It seemed so childish when I said it out loud.
“No, it makes sense,” he said, “but—”
“It’s not really the baby’s fault, though.” I cut him off, somehow knowing exactly what he was going to say.”
“Right. He’s definitely innocent in the matter,” he said with an approving smile. “Do you want me to take you back to your car?”
“Not really,” I admitted.
“I’ll drive, then.”
“You sure?”
“Yes,” he said earnestly.
I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet, either.
He turned the volume down to just background noise and input the address of the hospital into his GPS. When he rested his arm on the middle console, I slipped my hand into his. He squeezed it tightly and smiled.
“Thank you.”
“Anytime,” he responded.
“I still can’t believe after today I won’t be an only child anymore,” I said, more to myself than to him. “They’re naming him Henry.”
“I like that”
“Me too. Reminds me of Henry James.” I blushed, remembering the first conversation we had.
“Strong name with literary ties; can’t go wrong with that.”
We pulled into the parking lot of the hospital then, and I found myself more excited than I thought I would be. A little nervous too, but there was a note of excitement starting to worm its way front and center that hadn’t been previously present.
“Ready?” Tobias asked as he turned his car off.
“I suppose.”
The blonde at the front desk was obnoxiously smacking her pink bubblegum, and I couldn’t help but question how sanitary that was.
“Can I help you?” she asked in between smacks.
“Yes, I’m looking for Blair Seger’s room. She’s, uh, having a baby.”
“Are you family?”
“Um, well, I mean, kinda? She’s my stepmom, so yeah. I mean through marriage, and—yes. Yes, I am.” I finally managed to get the words out.
“How hard was that?” Tobias whispered teasingly into my ear, and it sent shivers down my spine. I elbowed him in return.
“Down the hall, take the elevator to the third floor. The waiting room is the first door on your right.”
It didn’t take us long to find the waiting room. I sent Dad a quick text letting him know I was there, and he appeared around the corner within a few minutes.
“Are you ready to meet your brother?” Dad asked, unable to contain his excitement. He looked younger than he had in years.
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Everything happened so quickly! Seven pounds four ounces, and he has red hair.”
“Aw, um—wait,” I said turning back toward Tobias. “You don’t have to wait for me. Dad can drive me back to campus later.”
“I don’t mind. Besides, I’m well equipped to handle the wait,” he said, holding up one of the old books he must have grabbed from his backseat. “I have plenty to keep myself occupied.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive, now go on,” he said, sitting down in one of the orange waiting room chairs. “Go meet your baby brother.”
“Okay,” I said before turning to my dad. “Lead the way.”
Dad glanced uncertainly at Tobias, and I wondered if he recognized him from Parkhurst. Before he could ask me about him, I asked, “How’s, um, Blair?”
“Blair did wonderfully.” Dad beamed as he led me down the hall toward her room. “He’s perfect.”
Blair was cuddling her new baby when we entered her room. She smiled sleepily when we walked in. “Hi, Tamsin.”
“Hi.” I returned her greeting.
Henry was wrapped—swaddled, I guess—in a white blanket with pink and blue footprints all over it. Blair had to hate the cheesiness of it, and I regretted not getting the Aztec blanket when I saw it.
She pulled back the blanket a little to reveal his cute, cherub face and the wisps of red hair Dad was so thrilled about. It was redder than mine, but mine used to be a lot lighter when I was a baby, so maybe his would darken as he got older too.
“He’s perfect,” I said, feeling a strange warmth spread across my chest.
“Would you like to hold him?” she asked.
I nodded, and she gingerly handed him to me. I took a seat beside her and stared at my baby brother. “Hi, Henry,” I whispered to him. “I’m your big sister.