54. Wren
”What the fuck? ” I whispered, my back pressed against the wood of my front door. “I mean, what the actual fuck?”
This couldn’t be happening. Not after all this time.
My heart pounded furiously in my chest, so hard I wondered if Hawk could hear it through the door.
Fuck. Hawk Jameson, standing on my front porch.
Deciding I needed to be as far away from him as I could, I fled down the hall and into my bedroom, closing the door behind me as I tried to rein in my panic.
What the hell was I gonna do? How dare he show up here, at my fucking door? And how dare he do it looking so damn good? It had been a few years since Black Kite had been in the press. Ever since news of the band splitting, they’d all been laying rather low.
Not that I followed them or anything; no, I was forbidden from engaging in all things Black Kite, but that hadn’t stopped my eyes from wandering to the tabloid magazines when I was in the grocery store checkout line. And that didn’t stop me from seeing the news stories when they scrolled across my TV screen.
Black Kitebreaking up had been the story of the decade. There wasn’t a channel on the planet that hadn’t made some mention of them. After all, not since Fleetwood Mac had there been a bigger scandal. The record label’s darling daughter cheating on her lead singer husband with his bassist and best friend and completely blowing up the band? It was outrageous and unbelievable, so of course people couldn’t get enough. It was months before I had stopped seeing Hawk’s face every time I needed to pick up a carton of milk or stock up on toilet paper.
I’d hated it.
But eventually the hype had faded, and another scandalous celebrity had taken center stage in the court of public opinion. I’d managed to shove Hawk into the dark corner of my mind that he occupied.
The trouble was, he never fucking stayed there.
Making my way over to my dresser, I lifted the lid of the small wooden jewelry box on top, pushing aside the cheap bangles and discount earrings until I found the small velvet pouch I kept hidden at the bottom. Undoing the drawstring top, I poured the guitar pick out into the palm of my hand and stared at it, the only reminder of Hawk that I allowed myself these days.
Well, not the only one.
“Mom?”
Jesus Christ. He’d seen her. It might have only been a second, but he’d laid eyes on Cooper, and that terrified the hell out of me. I’d made promises for the sake of my daughter, and if Hawk was here now, what the hell did that mean?
If he thought he was going to be able to take my daughter from me, then he was sorely mistaken.
“Mom?” Cooper asked, her voice getting louder because I had taken too long to answer her. Knocking on my door, she only paused a moment before barging in. “What are you doing?”
“Nothing, kiddo,” I said, my back still to her as I curled my fingers around the pick, its rounded edges digging into my skin a little. “Just thinking.”
“Well, can we think about dinner? I’m starving.”
“Sure thing,” I laughed, sliding the small memento back into its bag and replacing it in the box once more. Taking a steadying breath, I glanced at myself in the mirror, swiping at the mascara smudges under my eyes before I turned to her with a smile. “Come on. You can help me cook while you tell me all about practice.”
She rolled her eyes, but nodded, following me down to the kitchen.
“What playlist do you want tonight?” I asked, turning on the wireless speaker we kept in the room for just this kind of occasion. “I think it’s been a while since we did a 90s night.”
“It was literally last night and you know it,” she said, shaking her head. I paused, watching as she scrolled through her phone, her free hand tucking her dark hair behind one ear as she concentrated on finding the perfect music for our cooking session.
Hair that very closely resembled that of the man who had just been standing on my stoop.
What the hell was I gonna do? Cooper had stopped asking about her dad years ago, when my pathetic non-answer of he just can’t be here with us seemed to be enough.
What would she think if she knew he wasn’t with us because he didn’t actually want us?
“Alright, I think I found it.” Pressing play, Cooper watched for my reaction as the first notes of the song started to play.
“The Cruella soundtrack?” I asked, pleasantly surprised. “A worthy choice, my girl.”
“Thank you,” she replied, giving a cheeky little curtsy before heading to the fridge to start prepping the salad. Cooper was great with a knife, but she really didn’t like handling meat. She’d actually been coaxing me into eating less and less animal products lately, advocating instead for things like meat-free Mondays and bean and tofu substitutes when she could. She wasn’t a fan of red meat at all, so when we did cook what she referred to as our ‘predator food’, it was always chicken or fish.
I didn’t mind that at all, to be honest, but it meant that tonight, I was responsible for seasoning and browning the chicken breasts while she diced all our favorite veggies.
“So, I talked to your Aunt Sabrina today,” I started, going for casual. “She wanted to know if you wanted to visit her when the school year ends. A little girls’ trip, just the two of you.”
“Did she actually invite both of us, and you’re just declining so you can stay back and work?” she asked, entirely too smart for her own good.
“Actually, yes. But you know I really should work. But that doesn’t mean that you and Auntie Bri can’t have a great time. You know she’ll take you to that salon you like. I’ll even let her add some highlights to your hair if you want. Something fun for the summer.”
I watched her eyes light up at that.
“Really? Even if I want purple ones?”
“Why not?” I said, remembering when I was a teenager and had Sabrina secretly shave half my head just to spite my father. “It’s just hair; it’ll grow back.”
“Epic,” she gushed. “I’m gonna tell Jillian. Dropping the knife, she picked up her phone, likely to text or snap or whatever it was kids did to communicate with each other these days. “You’re the best, mom.”
Adding some oil to the hot pan, I smiled as I placed the chicken down, listening to the happy humming of my daughter as she shared the exciting news with Jillian.
Once the meal was finished, Cooper and I took our plates to the dining table, the music still acting as a companion as we ate.
“So, about that guy...” Cooper suddenly said, causing me to choke on my chicken.
“Excuse me?” I gasped, reaching for my glass of water to try to clear the obstruction her out of the blue question had caused. “What are you talking about?”
“That guy earlier. Who was he?”
“That...” I trailed off, my mind racing for what to tell her. I absolutely did not want to lie to her, but I wasn’t ready to offer her the truth, either. “That was someone I used to know.”
“It’s just that you’ve never had a guy over before. Are you going to, like, date him or something?”
She asked it so casually, I might have thought the question didn’t affect her except for the fact that she kept her eyes on her plate as she moved her food around, clearly uncomfortable.
Her question made me uncomfortable, too. This had obviously been brought on by Hawk’s appearance this evening, and while there was no way that Cooper could know who he was or that he was her father, I still didn’t like the way this conversation made my stomach clench.
I didn’t like lying to my daughter, but at the same time, I didn’t have the first clue about what to tell her when it came to Hawk.
“No, I am not dating anyone,” I said vehemently, shaking my head for emphasis.
“Why not?” She raised her head, pinning me with her sea blue stare. “Why haven’t you ever dated anyone?”
“Cooper,” I laughed, feeling my cheeks heat. I had had all the talks with my daughter; she knew about all the things that a young woman of the new millennium should know about, like how to protect yourself from creeps and grown men with wandering hands. She knew all about sex and reproduction and her own body’s functions. We’d covered puberty in all its revolting glory.
Repeatedly.
So, why did having this conversation make me feel like I was fourteen again myself?
“I don’t have time for dating, Coop.” I shrugged, feeling a wave of sadness wash over me.
I really hadn’t had time for much of anything in the last fifteen years, but I actually had tried dating a long time ago, which had been a dismal failure.
Sabrina had been living with us at the time, and she’d nagged me over and over until I finally went out with the guy she’d been trying to fix me up with for weeks. Evan was some regional manager for the local big box store that Sabrina had been working at at the time. He’d been sent to our little corner of the world to take over running our location.
According to Sabrina, he was perfect for me because he was new in town, had no idea about all the bullshit that had plagued my family for years, and he was ‘respectable and hot in that business daddy kind of way.’
So, after weeks of hearing about him after every one of her shifts, I finally relented, and agreed to a date.
One date had turned into two, then half a dozen, and I found myself really enjoying spending time with Evan. He was older than me by almost ten years, but that only made him more appealing, because unlike the guys my age, he wasn’t still looking to go out partying every weekend. Instead, I found myself taken to nice dinners in restaurants with cloth napkins and menus in other languages. Evan opened doors and held my coat, and I thought I might have found everything I was looking for.
He was even aware of Cooper, and while I had felt it was too early to introduce my three-year-old to a man, I was definitely picturing us becoming a little family, white picket fence and all.
It wasn’t until after I’d slept with Evan that I learned he already had a family. One with a wife and two kids that he was in the process of moving to town.
The blowout fight we’d had was huge, and it had resulted in him asking why I thought a man would ever be interested in something permanent with ‘damaged goods’ like me.
When I’d told Sabrina, she’d threatened to murder him, but settled for quitting her job without notice, because she was ride or die like that.
It was the first and last time I’d attempted to find some kind of relationship for myself. Since then, every ounce of energy I had had gone into making sure that Cooper had everything she could ever wish for and that she’d never find herself discarded by her family like I had been.
I’d die first.
“I’m just saying,” Cooper went on, oblivious to my spiraling thoughts. “If you maybe wanted to date someone, that’d be okay.”
“Did your Aunt Sabrina put you up to this?” I asked suspiciously.
“No, but you know she’d agree with me. You should find a boyfriend, Mom. That’d be cool.”
“There’s more to life than—”
“Boys,” she cut me off with an eye roll. “I know. You may have mentioned it once or twice. I’m just saying. You’re allowed to put yourself first once in a while, you know? And that guy might be a good place to start.”
Something in my heart cracked at her words, my sweet, compassionate, mature daughter. She was too precious for this world, and I worried that one day, she was going to have her heart broken in the worst way, and that there’d be nothing I could do to stop it.
But for now, she was still here, still mine to protect, and I planned on doing just that.
Even if it meant I had to protect her from Hawk Jameson and whatever scheme he might be up to.