68. Wren
We stayed that way for a while, long enough for our breathing to calm and my damp skin to cool. When I gave a small shiver, Hawk noticed, pressing one more kiss to my collarbone before rolling off of me and tugging the blanket up over my body. He disappeared for a few moments, coming back with a warm, damp cloth and a cold bottle of water, and once we had made use of both, he turned off the lamp and slid into bed beside me, his body curled around mine from behind.
“We didn’t use a condom,” I finally whispered into the darkness, almost afraid to bring it up, and I felt his muscles stiffen against my back, he breath held as he considered my words.
“I know,” he finally replied, his words soft. “I’m sorry. I should have said something. Stopped and asked. But I just...couldn’t. Bird, I just couldn’t have one more thing separating you from me. Not anymore.” I squeezed his arm where it was latched around my chest, a smile on my face at his incredibly sweet words, and he nuzzled closer, his face buried in the mass of hair at the back of my neck. “I can take you somewhere tomorrow if you need a morning-after pill or whatever.”
“No!” I blurted, my voice louder than was probably necessary. “I mean, no, I don’t need to go anywhere. I’m on birth control.” Letting out an awkward laugh, I added, “One surprise baby was more than enough for me. I’m clean, too.” It was a statement, but also a question, one that Hawk didn’t miss.
“I’m clean, too, Bird.” He sounded tired, the words slightly slurred as he muttered them into my hair. “I promise. I haven’t been with anyone else.”
I frowned at the phrasing, but Hawk was holding me close, his fingers tracing circles over the soft skin of my abdomen, and I found I far too content to worry about anything else at the moment.
We lay there, the silence of the night washing over us, and it wasn’t long before I knew Hawk was asleep, his breaths soft and even. Surrounded by his warmth and his scent, I lay in Hawk’s bed and waited for a sleep that never came as I let those last words run riot through my brain, creating chaos in their wake.
What did he mean, he hadn’t been with anyone else? The man had been married for nearly a decade. I thought about the years since that night on the bus. Even though it had taken me a long time, I’d dated. I’d been with other men, moved on with my life because there had been absolutely no hope of ever seeing Hawk again.
The idea that he may have been celibate this whole time was ludicrous.
And yet, the thought filled me with a quiet joy. Because if that were true, then it just might mean that he’d been thinking about me as much as I’d been thinking about him.
That, in turn, made me feel something I’d not let myself feel in a very long time.
Hope.
Hope that maybe our convoluted situation could work out after all. That Hawk and I could have something amazing, in spite of all the history between us.
That Cooper would have an opportunity to know her father in a way I’d never even allowed myself to dream about.
I wanted to believe that was possible with every fiber of my being.
The ideas dancing through my mind were equal parts wonderful and terrifying.
But in the end, it was the terror that won.
The sky outside the window was just lightening as I slipped from the bed, the edges of the night slowly bleeding from black to gray. Standing there, looking down at Hawk, bathed in shadows, I couldn’t help but admire how incredibly beautiful he was. All our years apart hadn’t dulled my attraction to him one bit. The low morning light made him appear as though he was carved from marble, his face a series of soft curves and bold lines. In the daylight, Hawk had often appeared a bit harsh, his bad boy persona lending to aggression rather than openness.
Now, though, he was different, almost vulnerable. Looking at him, his face relaxed in sleep, the dark strands of his his hair making a chaotic mess on the pillow, he reminded me so much of Cooper that I couldn’t help but smile.
They were both so beautiful it hurt.
Moving as quietly as I could, I gathered my discarded clothes and dressed, stealing one last look at Hawk before I tiptoed out the door.
I wasn’t as stealthy as I’d hoped, though. I’d barely gone five steps when Charlie stuck his head out the door to his room, frowning at me.
“You’re leaving? Again?”
“It’s a school day,” I offered, hoping he wouldn’t press the issue. “I have to get Cooper ready and then I have to get to work.”
Charlie nodded, saying nothing, but the disappointment rolled off of him in waves. Continuing on to the front door, I reached for the nob, freezing when Charlie spoke again.
“He’s not going to let you go this time.”
Not turning around, I kept my gaze on the door, blinking hard to stave off the burn of tears I felt building as I shoved that dreaded hope a little deeper down.
“He will.”
“He won’t.” The words were spoken with such conviction, I almost believed him.
“He has a whole other life, Charlie. One that we don’t fit into.”
“You could. If you tried. If you gave a little and he gave a little, it could work. I know it could, Wren.”
Angry now, I spun around, crossing my arms to hold on to my racing heart.
“Why do you even care, huh? Why does it matter to you if I stay or go? Hawk has the whole world laid out before him. He’s got everything there, at the tips of his fingers, and all he has to do is ask. A world like that doesn’t have room in it for two girls from the Midwest.”
“You know, when I met you the first time, I thought, damn, this girl is something else. You were tough, different, and mature in a way none of the other bimbos that got backstage ever were.” My eyebrows went up, amazed that Charlie even remembered me from that night, never mind enough to have formed any kind of lasting opinion of me. “But seeing you here, now, sneaking out on him again, I wonder if I might have been mistaken. Maybe you are just a coward after all.”
Dropping my arms, I stomped toward him, my anger burning bright.
“You have no idea what I’ve been through in the last fifteen years, Charlie whatever-your-last-name-is. Not one fucking clue. I have worked my literal ass off to provide a life for my daughter in a town that actively hates me. I have dealt with parents who disowned me, men who thought a single mom was just the right kind of desperate to be taken advantage of, and every other bullshit situation you can possibly imagine. I have fought and crawled and sometimes even begged to make sure that Cooper never knew one single ounce of the heartache that I did at her age. So if you want to call me a coward, then you had better bring more to the argument than me sneaking out of a booty call in the middle of the night, because otherwise, you don’t have a leg to stand on.”