Chapter 30 #2
“Raven.” His name escapes me in a shuddering breath, and my shoulders slump as I lower my blade.
Faster than a strike of lightning, he stands in front of me, warm hands cradling my face as he tilts it up to his. But as he leans in to kiss me, dread rises so swiftly—so violently—I flinch, taking a step back.
Raven tenses and drops his hands. The muscles in his jaw bunch, and his eyes track me. Neither of us move, both simply watching the other. I take a tentative step closer, relishing the warmth emanating from his body, but he doesn’t touch me again.
“I thought you would be long gone by now.” The words rasp from my too-tight throat.
“So did I.”
I look away from his amber gaze, his words momentarily stunning me. Of course, I understand that we shouldn’t have found them still here. “What happened?”
“It was slower than we expected, traveling with the weapon. The crate has been hard on the horses.” He pauses, exhaling deeply as his gaze drifts away.
“It must have been enough time for Prince Keres to send out missives, because the guards were already in Port Serre when we got there. I managed to get a message to Nikolas, and he’ll meet us in Port Belana.
There isn’t much of a guard presence stationed there, so as long as we get there ahead of any reinforcements, we should be able to slip past their defenses. ”
I nod quietly, my mind scrambling to piece together the fragments.
After my escape from the palace, it’s only a matter of time before more guards are sent after me.
That’s if they aren’t already in pursuit.
We’ve covered impressive ground so far, thanks to stolen fresh mounts that spared us the need to rest. But how long can we outrun the consequences before they inevitably catch up?
“What happened, Starling?” Raven’s question fractures my thoughts. “Myna and Sparrow have told me all they know, but neither knows exactly what happened while Keres had you locked in that room.”
The blood in my veins turns to ice, snatching away any warmth I was feeling. I step away, turning my back to him and approaching the stream.
“Nothing that matters,” I say, but the words feel hollow, even to me.
Raven’s silence stretches, heavy and expectant, and for a moment, I consider telling him everything.
The words hover on the edge of my tongue, but the memory of Keres’s hands, his voice, his cruelty, slams into me like a wave.
I swallow hard and turn away. “We should leave before first light.”
“I need to know what we’re dealing with.”
“What you already know is enough to guide our next steps. First, we rest. Then we leave Eretria.”
“El—”
“Raven, I’m not talking about this now. I need a moment alone.”
Silence follows. I can feel his eyes on me, the weight of his unspoken questions. But I don’t turn around, don’t give in to the urge to explain myself. It’s too much, too raw, and I need time to process everything that happened.
I remain still until his footsteps fade into the night.
Only then do I finish undressing and dip myself into the stream.
The icy water bites at my skin as I scrub away the dirt and sweat, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t wash away the feeling of Keres’s hands on me.
The memory clings to me like a second skin, suffocating and inescapable.
I stare at my reflection in the water, the rippling surface distorting my features.
I scrub until my limbs are raw. Despite that, I still don’t feel clean.
The taint runs bone-deep, staining my very soul.
When I finally emerge, it’s like I have shed a layer of my skin, but patches of the old one still cling to me, a snake caught in shedding scales. I quickly dry myself and dress, lacing the collar of my tunic high to hide my ugly truths beneath.
Lark is leaning by the front door of the homestead when I return, his eyes tracking me as I approach.
“You’re on the first watch, then?” I ask, forcing a fragile smile.
“Sure am. Head in and get some rest. You can take my spot next to Nyssa.”
“Thank you. You can wake me when you end your shift.” I hesitate a moment before adding, “It’s really good to see you, Lark.”
His eyes soften, and I note the way he keeps his arms tucked at his sides. “You too, Starling.”
I swallow roughly as I pull away and head into the house.
The fire still crackles in the hearth, casting dancing shadows across the walls.
On the far side of the room, Nyssa is curled up in a makeshift bed of blankets.
My eyes drift toward Raven to the right, where he watches as I step through the slumbering bodies and settle in behind Nyssa’s back.
She lets out a soft sigh, rolling over so she’s facing me and carefully taking one of my hands between hers. The heat of her skin sinks into my chilled fingers, and it’s only then that I realize how cold I am. My body is shaking with small tremors.
“Are you okay?” Nyssa whispers to me, concern etched into every angle of her face. Her hazel eyes search mine, and I fight the urge to close them.
“I don’t know,” I say just as quietly, the words trembling as they leave me.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
Those three words echo through my skull. Relentless, raging waves crashing against stony cliffs. And I know, like the stone, the waves will eventually wear me down. They’ll carve me up with enough time and force.
Changing me.
Eroding the person I am, until years from now I become unrecognizable.
“We’ll get through this. Soon we’ll be back in the Sorrows, and we can leave this all behind.”
Nyssa’s hand tightens around mine, her warmth grounding me, but it doesn’t stop my spiraling thoughts.
I don’t know if I’ll ever feel clean again.
I don’t know if I’ll ever stop seeing Keres’s face in the shadows.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same. But as Nyssa tucks the blankets around me, her presence steady and unwavering, I cling to the faint hope that maybe, just maybe, I won’t have to face it alone.