Chapter 28
Juliet
The hotel was dim and quiet as I dragged back to my room, heartbroken and exhausted. Even though I hadn’t promised Finn anything, I’d still stayed for too long and kissed him raw, as if I’d never see him again. As if I wasn’t going to see him at the wedding in a few hours.
We were going to dress up for this wedding, and we were going to make nice. And when it was over—then what? I couldn’t answer. I was too tired and confused and sad to sort my thoughts. I wanted to sleep, but that wasn’t going to happen, because Vicki was standing outside of my hotel room, leaning against the wall, her arms crossed, waiting for me.
I frowned at her as I rummaged for my room key. I’d left her saying goodbye to her guests at the pier after the party ended. Mom and I had helped the caterer load his dishes, and I’d paid the shady captain his money. Vicki had been busy hugging Melanie when I left.
“What’s wrong?” I asked Vicki now, taking in her messy hair and smudged mascara. She was supposed to be in her own room, getting her beauty sleep for the wedding tomorrow.
“You didn’t say goodbye again,” she said. “And where have you been?” She narrowed her eyes, probably noticing my reddened lips. “Jules. You were hooking up?”
I was suddenly so tired I felt like crying. “Can we not?” I asked, and opened my door, walking past her into my room.
“Who was it?” she asked, following me. “You can’t have met someone, so that means—Jesus. It was Finn?”
Of course she’d figure it out. It was hardly a complicated mystery. She’d probably have guessed long ago if she’d had a five-minute conversation with me. I was bad at secrets. My face gave everything away, and I could never school my reactions and feelings the way good liars could.
I untied my sneakers and pulled them off, keeping my back to her. I walked toward the bathroom. I didn’t want her to see the tears that threatened to spill.
“How could you, Jules?” Vicki followed me. “This is my wedding, and you fooled around with the best man? Don’t you take anything seriously? You couldn’t even?—”
I whirled on her. “Not one more word,” I said to her. “Not one. Don’t talk to me about Finn, or I’ll pack my bag and go home right now. He is off limits. You can judge me and slut shame me, but do it behind my back like everyone else does, okay?”
Vicki drew back in shock, and her gaze traveled my face. I’d lost the battle with the tears, and I could feel them running down my cheeks, ruining my makeup. “Jules, no,” she said. “I wasn’t.”
“No? Oh, I’m sorry, my mistake. You were just making sure I knew that Finn is too good for your piece-of-shit sister, that the idea of us together is a joke. Like I don’t have feelings. Like I’ve never had any fucking feelings.”
Vicki looked stricken. “You care about him,” she said, her voice soft.
I made a scoffing sound and turned away. I walked into the bathroom and picked up the makeup wipes I’d left on the counter, scrubbing them over my face, erasing myself. Erasing everything about me. Making me nothing again.
Vicki followed me to the bathroom doorway. “Jules, I’m sorry. I thought you were just fooling around.”
“Because you didn’t ask,” I said, twisting the tap to turn the water on.
She sounded chastened. “No. I didn’t.”
I grabbed a hotel facecloth and doused it in the water, staring at it intently. I couldn’t look up, into the mirror. The last thing I wanted to see was me.
“How long have you been seeing each other?” my sister asked.
That made fresh tears run down my cheeks, hot over my scrubbed skin. I lowered my face to the sink and hid my tears in the water.
I love you, he’d said.
Finn loved me. Only now were those words truly sinking in, a delayed reaction, and they ricocheted through me like a bullet. He loved me, and all I could do was cry.
Vicki waited in silence. She stayed in her spot in the doorway.
“I feel everything for him,” I finally confessed into the sink. It was true. He made me feel love and terror and anger and insecurity and happiness like I had never imagined. He made me feel calm and centered, yet upended at the same time. He made me feel lust and jealousy and hope. He’d said that he’d never felt more alive, and neither had I, because being with him made me realize that I’d been living half-dead for years, going through the motions. Not feeling, trying, hoping for anything. Afraid of failure and disappointment. Telling myself I was being smart.
Being alive was painful, and it was frightening. I couldn’t feel this way and still navigate the rest of my life alone. I couldn’t feel this way without Finn.
Vicki was still waiting, so I scrubbed my face again and said, “I feel everything for him, and I can’t stop. I keep trying to stop. It doesn’t work. I feel more and more and more, and it shouldn’t be happening, but it is. It’s burning me up inside.” I twisted off the water and braced myself on the counter, still staring down, unable to look in the mirror. “I know everyone thinks we don’t fit. I knew you’d be mad. That’s why I didn’t tell you, or Mom. I tried to make it not happen, Vicki, I really did.” I finally raised my gaze and looked at her in the mirror, avoiding the sight of my own face. “I swear I tried, but he’s Finn, you know? He’s Finn.”
“I know.” Her voice was soft and understanding. “I’m sorry, Jules. I want you to be happy. I promise.”
I stood, pulling a towel from the rack and mopping my face with it.
“I came here to thank you for the party,” Vicki said.
“You’re welcome,” I mumbled.
“It was perfect. I had a great time.”
I sniffed and looked at her. “I didn’t organize very much. The boat was Nicole’s idea. The music, the flowers, and the food were all Finn. My idea didn’t work.” I was out the money for the pizzas that never showed up, and I hoped the police wouldn’t come calling, asking about a boat that had been used without permission.
“They did those things for you, though. Not for me.”
I shrugged. “Maybe.”
Vicki sighed out a breath, her gaze moving past me to the wall. “I’m sorry I pressured you into all this. I’m sorry I pushed you into organizing a bachelorette. I know it isn’t something you find fun. I just—I don’t know, I wanted this wedding to be special, and not just for me and Alistair. For us.”
I stared at my hands, unseeing. “I’m sorry, too, that I’ve been such a shit about it. I feel like I’m letting you down. Like you see me as Dad, and no matter what I do, you always will.”
It was Vicki’s turn to blink hard, trying not to cry. “You’re not Dad, Jules,” she said. “I got so lucky with Alistair. He showed me what it’s like to be treated right by a man who sticks by you, a man who wants to be your partner. Because Dad sure as hell didn’t show us that. But even though I wouldn’t trade my life for anything, part of me is jealous that you get to be so free. I think you’re cooler than me.”
“Obviously,” I said, trying for a joke. I was rewarded when her shoulders shook in a quiet laugh. “Look, I’m cooler, and you’re a great mom who’s got her shit together. Can we agree on that and move on?”
Vicki nodded, wiping her eyes.
“Dad screwed both of us over,” I said. “Three of us, including Mom.”
She took the towel from me and wiped her eyes. “Did he ask you for money?”
“Yes. I left him on read.”
“I blocked him.”
I widened my eyes and gestured dramatically. “Ooh, look at Miss I Have a Spine over here. Nicely done.”
She laughed again. “That asshole.”
“Let’s put that on his headstone.”
“Let’s.” She reached for me, and I let her. We hugged for a long minute, and I tried to remember the last time I’d hugged my sister. I couldn’t think of when it was.
I was going to hug my sister more, I decided. I was going to call Nicole and visit her regularly, too. I was going to visit my niece and nephew. I was going to make it easier on myself, because shit didn’t have to be so hard. You didn’t get any awards for being sadder and lonelier than everyone else.
“I’m going on tour with the Road Kings,” I said into Vicki’s shoulder.
“That’s awesome,” she said into mine. “I think Mom’s in love with Tina.”
I shoved her out to arm’s length and stared at her. “Excuse me? Mom is what?”
“She’s in love with Tina. I think they’re in love with each other, actually.” Vicki shook her head. “I didn’t notice it until the party tonight. Didn’t you pick up vibes?”
When I thought back on it, I sort of did. It was in the way Mom had brought Tina’s drink to her as if they had done it a hundred times, the way Tina knew Mom so well. The way Mom had said I worry, and Tina had said Yes, you do.
“They’ve worked together a long time,” I said. “They could just be good friends.”
“They left the party together to come back to the hotel,” Vicki said. “And I got nosey, so I checked with the front desk. Tina doesn’t have her own room. She’s staying with Mom.”
I gripped Vicki harder, but still. “That could be a budget thing.” When I’d toured with The Muffins, I’d bunked with my girlfriends all the time.
Vicki shook her head. “It’s a room with a king size bed.”
We stared at each other, speechless. Mom had been so adamant that Tina should come to this wedding and meet everyone. It was so important to her. She’d wanted to impress Tina, and she’d wanted us to get along. I’d never known her to date a man since Dad. And Tina was plenty rich enough to get her own room.
At the fitting, we’d asked Mom what her type was, and she’d blushed and dodged the question.
“Oh, shit,” I said.
Vicki clapped a hand over her mouth. Our gazes locked.
“Mom is in love,” I said.
“It’s shocking,” Vicki whispered as she lifted her hand. “But kind of awesome?”
“Why didn’t she tell us?” We were hissing as if Mom might overhear. “We’re both open-minded. Did she think we’d be mad?”
“What if they get married?” Vicki hissed back. “We’ll have a mom and a stepmom.”
“That’s so freaking cool.”
“It’s scandalous, though,” Vicki said. “Tina is Mom’s boss! How long has it been going on? What will they do? I want them to work it out.”
“So do I.”
We smiled at each other.
“Finn is the best guy, Jules,” Vicki said. “I mean, the best guy.”
“I know,” I said, and she hugged me again.